Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Here's one thing i have been wondering, as i have seen so many different opinions around. When you are in a relationship/marriage, where do you draw the line with having friends of the opposite gender, if you draw any? Do some things have to change with them? What are your opinions? Edited October 3, 2012 by Milluw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Oh, i just realised i should have posted this in the marriage/relationship category Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Friends of the opposite gender when DH is around. Never alone with them. Never having conversations on the phone or online or over email, beyond quick and cordial. Telling DH exactly what was said and when. Things absolutely do change. You put the energy that you would give your old friendships into your friendship with your husband. You find friends of the same gender to confide in and hang out with. Those are just the safe and respectful boundaries that keep your marriage safest. Edited October 3, 2012 by Eowyn removal of fatigue-induced stupidity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'm confused. Why would there need to be a line drawn at all for me to have friends of the same gender as I am? Or do you mean friends of the opposite gender? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Oh, gosh. I read same and thought opposite. I need to go to bed, I can't brain anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 That's okay. I read it as opposite gender too. That's usually what the questions are about. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 As for same gender, my opinion is that it's good and important to have friends of the same gender. Just be sure your time spent with them and talking to them doesn't negatively impact your time or relationship with your husband. :) I tried to make DH my whole life and world for a long time, and we're both happier since I've found some girlfriends to hang out with and talk to sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 *Facepalm* - Opposite gender, ofcourse! (Getting sleepy) Sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Nothing changed with my friends or my husband's friends. Friendships don't end just because my husband and I decided to build a life together. Boundaries didn't change. I didn't have any boundaries with my friends that crossed the line of marriage even before I got married. I don't even understand that concept. They're my friends, not my "potential husbands". I didn't have any potential husbands except for 2 people before my husband. And those 2 both got married before I did so those boundaries have been changed before I met my husband. If my husband or I still harbored the idea that we're going to "get it on" with any one of our friends, we wouldn't have gotten married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 My husband used to be in a local band here in SLC and was in it for about 10 years before we married. I'm aware of some of the women he had been involved with during that time, and I know that he continues to have female fans from his glory days. Although he is retired, the band still does gigs regularly in the downtown scene, and some of those fans will try to get in contact with him via Facebook etc. We have a rule that we only add family and friends to Facebook. So these women are never added but if he were single - no biggie. So yes, things do change and you gotta know who's your number one and priority. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Being the social hermit I am, I really don't see many of my pre-marriage friends very regularly. For the guy friends in that category: most of them are related to me, married, or gay. Not a big concern there. However, I would say to draw a line at being alone. Even if nothing will happen, I find it respectful to my spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the replies! Im a bit conflicted about this subject. As i understand the sentiment of something changing, theres still some things that doesn't make sense to me. The majority of my friends are of the opposite gender. I also have plenty female friends, but thats just how it is. Making friends i have never thought about genders.. i never thought it would be relevant to me unless it would have developed into more. And i know with many of my friends - that is just not an option, i dont view them as more than just that. They become more a brother or a sister. I spoke to someone i know who is getting married, she told me that men and woman cannot be friends without there being some kind of subcontional flirt going. Im not saying that couldn't happend, but i just feel like i would rather have my partner go out and experience those feelings and trust that he would be honest with me and learn to deal with it emotionally to become stronger as a couple, than tell him he then can't do this and that with the opposite sex. But then ofcourse, the risk of something going wrong will be higher. Did the church ever make a statement about this? Edited October 3, 2012 by Milluw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 It's not about not trusting it's about caution. The idea that if trust is sufficient caution is unwarranted isn't one I personally subscribe to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'd wager that most affairs start with "We're just friends" and "I'd never betray my spouse". Your marriage is the most important relationship you'll ever have, outside of the one you have with your Heavenly Father and the Savior. It deserves to be protected with every ounce of caution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Before I got married, I had guy friends I would chat on the phone with or spend time with alone, but I knew that would have to end. If I do see any of them, it's as a group or with my husband. If things ever became rocky, I didn't want there to be the temptation to confide in my guy friends because too often confiding leads to trouble. I have seen way too many "friendships" turn into affairs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 It's not about not trusting it's about caution. The idea that if trust is sufficient caution is unwarranted isn't one I personally subscribe to.To me, trust is not the issue. Our "Personal Code" is the issue. It's like committing cold-blooded murder. It's just not in my personal code. I don't avoid friendships so I don't get tempted to kill somebody when they make me angry. But, sure, it's possible for me to get in a fit of rage and commit murder in a moment of insanity. The answer is not to isolate myself from people as a precaution. The answer is for me to constantly practice being the master of my own destiny with the help of God. My husband and I share the same personal code. It's why we got married in the first place.Make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Dravin actually worded it perfectly.And rereading his post, he is not implying that trust is the issue.. He's saying that not taking precaution tends to be the slippery slope. As Eowyn had stated earlier, it's likely that many affairs are committed by individuals under the impression that they'd never fall to temptation of adultery. So being mindful of our actions and taking precautions (aka making boundaries) is important. I don't know any healthy relationship that does not uphold boundaries to a degree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 anatess, it sounds to me as if you are saying your husband or you won't cheat because it just isn't "you". And sorry, but I don't buy it. We all have the potential to commit sin, even something as awful as adultery. Just thinking, "I can handle this" isn't enough in today's world of temptation and sin. Most people don't start out thinking they are just gonna go commit adultery. So many, many times it starts off as a friendship. Alone time with someone. Confiding in someone. It's the little things that lead to greater issues. Not all marriages will need the same boundaries for friendship with the opposite sex, but some boundaries are needed. A couple needs to discuss this (prior to marriage is ideal, but at least after marriage) to decide what is best for them individually and as a couple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 And rereading his post, he is not implying that trust is the issue.. He's saying that not taking precaution tends to be the slippery slope. .What im just wondering is, what is the right way to precaution it? And when it should be precautioned. Isnt taking those precautions from the beginning, saying from the beginning those are the dangers in the relationship. Wouldn't it be better to treat each friend as an individual and not discard them in a sense just because of their gender - and then say that if there should arise some sort of a problem.. each one in the marriage should honest and speak to each other about it, and then decide together what is the best thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 We all have the potential to commit sin, even something as awful as adultery. Just thinking, "I can handle this" isn't enough in today's world of temptation and sin.But that is the same with so many other things in the world today that you face. If you were to precaution every risk thrown at you so that they would not occur, then what would the point of being here be? Im not saying throw yourself into it. More like getting to know yourself through trials, to find out where you need to put bounderies to yourself along the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 But that is the same with so many other things in the world today that you face. If you were to precaution every risk thrown at you so that they would not occur, then what would the point of being here be? Im not saying throw yourself into it. More like getting to know yourself through trials, to find out where you need to put bounderies to yourself along the way.Huh? So, if you are married and find yourself attracted (emotionally, mentally, physically, whatever) to a male friend, you should just continue the relationship as you always have? So that you can get to know yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irishcolleen Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Every marriage is at risk of infidelity. I think married couples should use boundaries that protect the marriage. As a married man or woman you should never be alone with a person of the opposite gender. You should never tell the person negative things about your spouse. You should go to your spouse first for advice, comfort and companionship. Many affairs start because one spouse starts to develop an emotional connection to a friend that takes the place of the connection they should be developing with their spouse. I have three friends who have divorced in the past five years due to infidelity. I think the affairs would have been prevented if the offending spouse had put up boundaries to protect their marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Isnt taking those precautions from the beginning, saying from the beginning those are the dangers in the relationship. Wouldn't it be better to treat each friend as an individual and not discard them in a sense just because of their gender..Discard? Who said anything about discarding friendships? I have never discarded a friendship just because I got married and make my husband my priority. Genuine friends understand this lifestyle change. When you get married, your focus and attention is on your spouse, and everything else is second fiddle.I don't understand what the put-off is with having certain boundaries in a relationship. I choose not to engage in 1-1 activities with male friends to show respect for my spouse. I choose it. Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page and uphold the same boundaries. I don't see why setting up boundaries is so difficult to swallow for some people. If you could lessen the odds of placing yourself in inappropriate situations - wouldn't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Huh? So, if you are married and find yourself attracted (emotionally, mentally, physically, whatever) to a male friend, you should just continue the relationship as you always have? So that you can get to know yourself?No, what i mean is that if those feelings should occur, i would first then set the boundery and pull back from the friendship. In stead of pulling back in a way, when that might have not even been the case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Every marriage is at risk of infidelity. I think married couples should use boundaries that protect the marriage. As a married man or woman you should never be alone with a person of the opposite gender. You should never tell the person negative things about your spouse. You should go to your spouse first for advice, comfort and companionship. Many affairs start because one spouse starts to develop an emotional connection to a friend that takes the place of the connection they should be developing with their spouse.I have three friends who have divorced in the past five years due to infidelity. I think the affairs would have been prevented if the offending spouse had put up boundaries to protect their marriage.Thats something i agree with though. I would never for example go to the movies and sit alone somewhere all night with someone of the opposite gender. The spouse do have first priority. But things such as if a friend of mine had some personal problem, they wanted to speak to a friend about, and he might want to speak to me about those problems. Why would there be anything wrong with that? Also meeting up in a cafe to talk, where theres lots of people for example. As long as you pull back from the friendship, as soon as any emotion above friendship would happend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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