Single adults in family wards

[JosephP]

This new message started out as a reply to someone in the advice area, and I instead decided to post it here as a new thread.

I was replying to this single sister who was writing about feeling lonely in her ward, and she was getting the usual advice that she should just try be more outgoing, friendly, etc....

I'm 57, male, divorced, and have a strong testimony. I've sat in the same place at every meeting for several years, no one has ever invited me to sit with them. In fact for the past few months, the same couple has began sitting next to me, because they always come late and they can be certain there will be nobody else sitting there. I've been very outgoing, friendly, even invited many couples to my home for dinners and games. While we always have a great time, I can count the number of invitations to their homes on the fingers of one elbow.

This summer I was off work, I work for the schools, and decided I'd get active doing service projects for ward members. I told everyone I was available, even announced it in Priesthood Meeting for anyone who needed help. All summer I got two calls, and one canceled at the last minute. So I know the frustration of being told to just make an effort, be friendly, put yourself out there.

I asked/hinted to be called as the ward SA Rep, hoping to get envolved organizing things. Activating the singles can be like inviting the High Priest group to a rap concert. No one's interested, few participate. It's very frustrating. Even in the SA council meetings almost every discussion is centered on the single sisters. Sometimes both men and women are mentioned, but I have not once heard any talk specifically on the needs of the single brothers.

The new church handbook places the responsibilities for the single adults back at the ward level. Though I try to remind them at ward council meetings, the only response has been from the RS for the single sisters. EQ and HP remain mostly silent on the subject. Of course other wards are different, and I don't mean to generalize.

Until the families in the ward, who are rightful busy with the needs of their own families, look up and remember those members of the ward who have no family, and welcome them, nothing can get better. Singles hanging out with other singles usually just talk about how hard it is being single in the church.

But ulimately the reposibility of including everyone in the church as welcome friends rests not with the leadership, but with the members...

[mnn727]

So I am curious, what exactly do you want the Church to do?

At one time I was a divorced 40 yr old at one time and frankly handled that just fine on my own.

Rather than the Ward Council you may want to talk with both the Bishops counselor that is over the single adults, and also the Stake High Counselor who is over the Single adults.

One thing my Stake does is to sponsor a FHE for older singles (30+), they have called and older couple to have it at their house -- been going on longer than I've been in this Stake (6 years now).

[JosephP]

I don't expect the church to do anything more than it already is. The vast majority of singles aren't making use of the programs being offered now, more programs aren't the answer.

As I said in my last line. The responsibility doesn't lie with the leadership, but with the members. I was hoping this would be seen by members who would then go to church Sunday and make an effort to reach out to a SA, invite them to FHE, or a trip to the mall. There lies the answer, not in more SA programs.

Thanks for your advice. Both the Stake President and my Bishopric are doing all they should. I was hoping to encourage the general membership, not fault leadership.

Edited October 12, 2012 by JosephP

[beefche]

I understand your frustrations. I was the Stake SA rep for a couple of years. Very few men showed up to activities. What I found to be helpful was to not wait for an invitation to help. You can find out who the single men are in the ward, and either contact them yourself, or ask his home teacher if you can accompany him to teach and thus get your foot in the door.

Then, you just need to be a friend. And it seems so one sided for a long time. But, having that friend (a real friend, not one who only invites you to church things) can be so important (as you know) to a single someone.

So, next time there is an EQ or HP activity, invite the single men to go together to participate. Organize a monthly game night in your home and expect that it will take some time for people to show up on a regular basis. Go to the temple on a regular basis and invite people along with you (even if it is to do baptisms/confirmations--alot of SA aren't temple endowed).

It is frustrating to feel that your overtures of friendship aren't being returned. But, once you start to focus on the good service you can provide (even if people aren't accepting it), you'll see more opportunities for service and eventually, you'll see success.

Thank you for being so compassionate on a much overlooked group of people.

[Guest]

There are a couple of new converts in our ward, a father and son, who are probably 60-something and 30-something. The son and my husband have a lot in common and get along well. But my husband works so much that he can't really maintain the friendship. The son has called our house before asking for a ride to work when his car was broken down. I was the only one home and it would have been inappropriate for me to pick him up and drive him to work, though my husband would have been happy to if he hadn't been working himself.

My point is, I think you're at even more a disadvantage for fellowship, being a man. Other men are typically spending most of their time working and looking after their families. I know my husband doesn't socialize a lot. What little socializing I'm able to do is with the other sisters in my ward, including a single sister who I know gets invited to a lot of the girls' night out kinds of things.

I'm sorry people aren't more reciprocal to your efforts. I'm sure it's nothing personal, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

[Vort]

This new message started out as a reply to someone in the advice area, and I instead decided to post it here as a new thread.

I was replying to this single sister who was writing about feeling lonely in her ward, and she was getting the usual advice that she should just try be more outgoing, friendly, etc....

I'm 57, male, divorced, and have a strong testimony. I've sat in the same place at every meeting for several years, no one has ever invited me to sit with them. In fact for the past few months, the same couple has began sitting next to me, because they always come late and they can be certain there will be nobody else sitting there. I've been very outgoing, friendly, even invited many couples to my home for dinners and games. While we always have a great time, I can count the number of invitations to their homes on the fingers of one elbow.

This summer I was off work, I work for the schools, and decided I'd get active doing service projects for ward members. I told everyone I was available, even announced it in Priesthood Meeting for anyone who needed help. All summer I got two calls, and one canceled at the last minute. So I know the frustration of being told to just make an effort, be friendly, put yourself out there.

I asked/hinted to be called as the ward SA Rep, hoping to get envolved organizing things. Activating the singles can be like inviting the High Priest group to a rap concert. No one's interested, few participate. It's very frustrating. Even in the SA council meetings almost every discussion is centered on the single sisters. Sometimes both men and women are mentioned, but I have not once heard any talk specifically on the needs of the single brothers.

The new church handbook places the responsibilities for the single adults back at the ward level. Though I try to remind them at ward council meetings, the only response has been from the RS for the single sisters. EQ and HP remain mostly silent on the subject. Of course other wards are different, and I don't mean to generalize.

Until the families in the ward, who are rightful busy with the needs of their own families, look up and remember those members of the ward who have no family, and welcome them, nothing can get better. Singles hanging out with other singles usually just talk about how hard it is being single in the church.

But ulimately the reposibility of including everyone in the church as welcome friends rests not with the leadership, but with the members...

Joseph, this is a real problem area, and I don't quite know the answer. I know that our high priest group leadership spends a lot of time talking about how to fellowship quorum members, not just new baptisms (of whom we have several) but also long-time members who have been in the ward for years but maybe don't feel a part of the group. We are friendly and try hard, but as others point out, the men are all working 9-12 hours a day and simply don't socialize much during the week.

When I was in the elders quorum, I suggested a book club. Another time or three, I invited any interested parties to chip in to buy a UFC event. No interest in either, not a peep. If it did not involve playing video games, they simply were not interested. And since I lost my taste for most video games about fifteen or twenty years ago, that doesn't work so well for me.

Wish I knew the answer. I suspect that the very structure of our society prevents us from living as we would like. In Zion, I think such things would be more obvious and doable.

[JosephP]

My point is, I think you're at even more a disadvantage for fellowship, being a man. Other men are typically spending most of their time working and looking after their families. I know my husband doesn't socialize a lot. What little socializing I'm able to do is with the other sisters in my ward, including a single sister who I know gets invited to a lot of the girls' night out kinds of things.

I'm sorry people aren't more reciprocal to your efforts. I'm sure it's nothing personal, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

I'm glad you understand, and can relate diectly to the problem. I certainly don't take it personally, nor am I finding fault with anyone, least of all the church, for the reality of the problem.

My attempt here is one purpose, and one purpose only, to encourage people in the church to extend the hand of friendship to a SA, and maybe to encourage others to do so as well. They can't be expected to intrude into families, they must be invited.

[JosephP]

I understand your frustrations. I was the Stake SA rep for a couple of years. Very few men showed up to activities. What I found to be helpful was to not wait for an invitation to help. You can find out who the single men are in the ward, and either contact them yourself, or ask his home teacher if you can accompany him to teach and thus get your foot in the door.

I've focused on two brothers in my ward to do that with. I also asked the bishop to call a female SA rep, which he did. I was having a hard time telling the SA women about an activity, I don't want them to see it as a personal invitation. I'm engaged, but in a long distance relationship, so I appear more single then I am.

[JosephP]

Joseph, this is a real problem area, and I don't quite know the answer. I know that our high priest group leadership spends a lot of time talking about how to fellowship quorum members, not just new baptisms (of whom we have several) but also long-time members who have been in the ward for years but maybe don't feel a part of the group. We are friendly and try hard, but as others point out, the men are all working 9-12 hours a day and simply don't socialize much during the week.

When I was in the elders quorum, I suggested a book club. Another time or three, I invited any interested parties to chip in to buy a UFC event. No interest in either, not a peep. If it did not involve playing video games, they simply were not interested. And since I lost my taste for most video games about fifteen or twenty years ago, that doesn't work so well for me.

Wish I knew the answer. I suspect that the very structure of our society prevents us from living as we would like. In Zion, I think such things would be more obvious and doable.

I know exactly what you mean, guys don't tend to "do things together", I think generally that's how the sisters socialize. Most men I've known are willing to work together, and socialize up a storm while doing it, but once the job is done, they scatter. I've tried to come up with natural ways to design activities around that mentality, but not much luck.

[seeking_peace]

I've been single for 3 years now. I've heard your same complaint from many different single people. However, it hasn't been my experience. Maybe because I've lived in the same ward for so long, that I am not "that single sister." I am "Seeking" and everybody knows me already.

In facet, I feel like I'm invited to more social events then when I was married. Either people feel sorry for me....or they didn't like my ex very much.

[dahlia]

It seems that the interesting SA events are held in Chicago or other places around the Midwest, but hours away from here. I'm not going 4 hours away to go to a dance in Chicago or a picnic, etc. It's just too far. We have had a SA meal after the stake conference, but, and I am ashamed to say this, it is mostly women. I see women all the time. I want to meet some men.

I don't know if we have someone who's calling it is to worry about SAs, but there's not much for us in our ward, plus I have a double whammy because the ward is full of young grad students, doctors, post docs, etc., so people tend to be in their 30's. My son's age... : (

I have a nice social life with a few sisters, so I don't feel left out. I would just like to meet an LDS guy (and ldsingles kept matching me with people in Utah with 8th grad educations, so I let that go...).

[skippy740]

I've been very outgoing, friendly, even invited many couples to my home for dinners and games. While we always have a great time, I can count the number of invitations to their homes on the fingers of one elbow.

What does your home teacher know about how you feel?

Next - being a single adult does not mean that one needs to be 'adopted' by another family. We (I include myself because I'm separated and practically single) have lives to live.

Also, if a single adult constantly tries to parade their status, you may be invited to 'meat-market' activities.

My brother is a mature 25 year old and he just got married about 6 months ago. He was a single adult ward gospel doctrine teacher. He couldn't stand the immaturity in his ward and rarely went to the activities - partly because he was engaged. Yes, this is a lower age bracket, but it makes me wary of participating in the future.

Being single is not a handicap, nor is it a "special class citizen" in the gospel. Yes, you're not married or sealed. So what. Live the gospel the best you can, participate in activities the best you can and get to know others.

The last thing I will want when my divorce is finalized is to be considered on a "special bishopric list" of single members to "get them married off" or participating in single adult activities. Don't make me a 'special case'. I'm a big boy and I can participate in activities all by myself.

[Sharky]

But ulimately the reposibility of including everyone in the church as welcome friends rests not with the leadership, but with the members...

Singles in the ward are not the only one's so often forgotten.

Not long ago I had a conversation with a brother in my ward. He has attended Preisthood a few times though rarely stays thru Sacrement meeting.

This brother has a wife & 2 children who do attend meetings.

As I listened I was struck by the simplicity of the situation. He hates Priesthood. All too often he listens to lessons about fellowshipping, extending the hand of fellowship, & wonders if anyone else there needs a friend, if anyone ese there finds church one of the loneliest places on earth.

So, rather then to feel so lonely he elects not to attend.

My thoughts turn to, I believe it was Gordon B Hinkley, that taught Friendship. In fact, as I recall, he flat out stated that Friendship seems so basic that we forget how to be a friend or what being a friend is, we forget to put forth the effort, we forget to learn how to be a friend ... so basic that we overlook it.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Sharky
replaced a bunch of "i" with a bunch of "o" ... fingers typed wrong key

[Hemisphere]

Dear Joseph,

I feel with you as it is indeed a problem. not just in your ward / branch. however I disagree on the not invited thingy. there you ought to be seating yourself whoever has a place free next to them. I rotate and thus get to know the people =) saying hello breaks habits of not doing it.

however the single problem starts all the same when you are older then 27. when I joined the church, I learned quickly that in Germany, if you didnt grow up with the crowd and you are too old, you dont get to sample any goods. you are instantly disregarded as some people require you to be born in the church and be an RM else, you should not bother trying. once I even got asked if I pay my tithing in net or growth.

personally, the church lets anyone who is not ysa anymore just fend for themselves. I live in a family branch and there is a massive lack of prospects and it doesnt make it easy that the demographics in my town suck. personally I have been to two conventions and I learned that I wasted my time tremendously with the added collateral of insults

Edited October 15, 2012 by ArcticTofu

[Shortstuff]

My brother is in his early 40's and would never admit to being lonely in a family ward. I wish there were other single men to fellowship him. I know they are in my ward but I don't know who they are and I wonder if like him they keep a low profile because seeing the families is tough. Going through a divorce now I don't feel right attending singles things until it's final but I want to if only to get him out there since no one else is reaching out to him. While everyone else is "sorry" for me I think that he is excited to have another single to hang out with. I commend your efforts and wish more of the single men would be more outgoing like you.