Moving forward from an emotional affair...


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Ugh...how did this happen? I am a returned missionary, come from an amazing leadership family in the church, pretty much been on the straight and narrow my whole life. I married a year after my mission to the most amazing spiritual loving husband. My husband's job the last 2 years caused him to be away alot and not home until 9pm at night most nights. I really started to get lonely so I really got close to my best friend. We would get together numerous times a day.

Her husband was home alot and we ended up getting to be close friends. I told my husband that I thought we were too close and we talked about it openly. It was almost weird how much we had in common and how funny we were together. We would flirt some but always had our guard up and my best friend was always there. We were not alone ever. My husband was the elders q. pres and this guy was the first counselor. We trusted ourselves too much. Me and my best friend had a couple conversations about her husband and she asked me if he had ever said anything or tried anything or if she could trust him?

I struggle some with self esteem and he made me feel good about myself. I didn't think too much about him but when I was with him I felt happy, excited and motivated. I noticed I always wanted to look my best around him. Anyway their family moved away. Only 5 minutes after they drove away he started texting me that he was in love with me, wanted to be with me, wanted to make love to me etc. I felt guilty that I felt happy and flattered that he said these things to me. I told my husband right away. This man was also my husbands best friend. We all were just so close. The man told me he only thinks of me when he has sex with his wife, etc. For about 3 weeks we texted each other. I cut the texting off 3 times and he would not text me for about 3 days then text that he missed me and how hard it was for him not to text me. I loved the attention. I felt sexy again. I felt alive. but I felt terrible for my husband and how could I feel this way. I was never in love with this man but more loved the attention he gave me. I told my husband this and we talked openly about the situation.....all but one thing. There were 3 times when we "sexted". It was mostly him typing things but I also did a little bit. He sent me a few pictures he took of himself at the gym in the bathroom but had shorts on. After 3 weeks I sent him a text that said ur relationship needs to be done, he sent one back that said....you don't understand because you go home to a great husband and I go home to a cold shoulder. He accidentally sent that text to his wife, my best friend and it had my name in it so she basically knew.

I have not talked to him or his wife since that day. I wrote her a letter and apologized and she wrote me back and is obviously hurt and doesn't want to talk to me ever again. Here is my issue.... I told my bishop about the situation and texting and my feelings and told my husband too but I didn't tell my husband or the bishop about the sexting. It was mostly the other man and I didn't send inappropriate pictures of myself to him but I know that is justifying it. It has been 3 months now and I am wondering if I need to go back and tell the bishop about the sexting and my husband? I have prayed about it and feel peace again in my life and feel the Spirit so much more now then before but should I tell the bishop and my husband about the sexting or just move forward? My husband never brings it up and seems like he has forgotten about it. I feel good that I don't think about the guy anymore. I really feel like the Lord took that away from me. I still daily have a hard time with my best friend...wishing we could talk and I could help her through this trial but I know now that I will always be the "other woman" in her mind now. I hope their marriage will be ok.... Should I go back and tell the bishop and my husband the sexting I left out?

Thanks

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Here is my issue.... I told my bishop about the situation and texting and my feelings and told my husband too but I didn't tell my husband or the bishop about the sexting. It was mostly the other man and I didn't send inappropriate pictures of myself to him but I know that is justifying it. It has been 3 months now and I am wondering if I need to go back and tell the bishop about the sexting and my husband?

All sins need to be confessed. Some can be confessed solely to God. It doesn't sound like sexting someone else's husband is one of them.

Go see your bishop.

My husband never brings it up and seems like he has forgotten about it.

I'm betting he hasn't.
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I have brought it up a few times wanting to talk about more detail but my husband just says...I forgive you completely and I trust you and he said he would rather not know details and doesn't want to talk about it anymore and just move forward? Also while talking to my bishop, he seemed to make light of it because nothing physical ever happened. He just told me to focus on my husband and our marriage covenants and if I was still struggling communicating with him or thinking about him to come back to talk to him.... He said this was the first time dealing with an "emotional affair"

Edited by MovingForward
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I'm sorry. Maybe I read you wrong but didn't you say that you had concealed the sexting conversations from your husband and your bishop?

If you are harboring doubts and guilt about this, you need to come clean just so your mind will rest regardless of the way the bishop may react. Most likely you'll just confess and that will be the end of it.

Not sure with your husband. He says he trusts you and has forgiven you. But if he knew about the sexting, would he be able to say that completely?

Don't let this little thing fester. Clean it out. Clean it out.

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I have brought it up a few times wanting to talk about more detail but my husband just says...I forgive you completely and I trust you and he said he would rather not know details and doesn't want to talk about it anymore and just move forward? Also while talking to my bishop, he seemed to make light of it because nothing physical ever happened. He just told me to focus on my husband and our marriage covenants and if I was still struggling communicating with him or thinking about him to come back to talk to him.... He said this was the first time dealing with an "emotional affair"

Sorry - was what you just wrote supposed to alter the advice you're getting?

It doesn't alter my advice...

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I would say that I sugar coated the sexting part. Not giving the details to my husband or bishop. I told them both that me and this man told each other what we liked about each others bodies but not the details....I guess I should be more clear. I never told my husband or bishop that this turned me on. If I am thinking about it then I guess i should go into more detail? or do I just need to repent more to feel clean?

I appreciate your advice...

Edited by MovingForward
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I would say that I sugar coated the sexting part. Not giving the details to my husband or bishop. I told them both that me and this man told each other what we liked about each others bodies but not the details....I guess I should be more clear. I never told my husband or bishop that this turned me on. If I am thinking about it then I guess i should go into more detail? or do I just need to repent more to feel clean?

Hm. Repent more? I'm not sure what you mean. This isn't about repenting more. This is about repenting once and doing it right.

Look. Let's get to it. Your husband seems gentle. And your bishop ....rather unaffected. You have this little part that is gnawing at you. What is it that you are afraid of? There is no reason to stay so frozen unless you are afraid. So....what is it?

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I have brought it up a few times wanting to talk about more detail but my husband just says...I forgive you completely and I trust you and he said he would rather not know details and doesn't want to talk about it anymore and just move forward? Also while talking to my bishop, he seemed to make light of it because nothing physical ever happened. He just told me to focus on my husband and our marriage covenants and if I was still struggling communicating with him or thinking about him to come back to talk to him.... He said this was the first time dealing with an "emotional affair"

If your husband says he forgives you and doesn't want to know the nitty-gritty, then respect his wishes and thank God you have a husband that didn't toss you to the curb, as some might have. (Not saying that he should have or that you deserved it, just that some men would have.) If he ever changes his mind, be prepared to tell him all, or at least all he wants to know.

If you feel you just must confess, talk to your bishop.

If you simply feel like you have to tell your husband, approach it like this:

"Honey, you have told me you don't want to hear about details. Thank you for trusting me. But I am so ashamed that I want you to know what happened. I did not have sex with him or send him nude pictures or anything, but I am ashamed at what I did. I would feel better if you knew. I know it's nothing that awful, but it's awful for me, and I feel so ashamed and sorry. Can I tell you?"

Then let him call the shots.
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Do you think men would be more hurt by a sexual affair than an emotional one and woman the opposite? It just seems like my best friend is really suffering with this and said it would have been better if we just had sex than to hear that her husband was in love with me and never had any physical. My husband was hurt and shed a tear or 2 but he said he felt better about it since there was not any physical contact. Which is worse? Emotional or sexual? Sexual seems worse to the church but both break covenants.

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Deciding which is worse is an individual decision. If you husband has stated he doesn't want to know details then please don't share them with him. That would be a huge mistake, and selfish of you. If you feel you need to talk to the bishop about it then go and see him. Since you have cut things off I would probably not bother the bishop, it sounds like you talked things through and while you didn't get into detail you did discuss what you "liked" about the other man and that was probably enough. Basically I would say you need to get over it, and concentrate on your husband.

Oh, and he isn't over it, nor has he forgotten. He is giving you a huge chance to prove yourself, don't blow it by continuing to bring up the past. The more you bring up post confession the more he will wonder what else is being left out.

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I agree with those that have said he hasnt forgotten. How could he? The love of his life attracted to another man and only one step away from a full affair? I would imagine that everytime he kisses you etc... he may wonder if you really like/love/ or are attracted to him. Maybe not, but this is something that he will have to deal with the rest of his life as well. I agree with the Bishop, focus on your husband, but also focus on what drove you to this and why you slipped. Has he treated you any differently since this happened? Paid more attention to you? less? Paid you compliments? You mentioned that you were lonely, has this changed?

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I know that my husband has not forgotten but it does seem like he has moved on. He seems happy and loving and says for the most part trusts me because I told him from the beginning when we started texting. He just doesn't want me to keep bringing it up or know the details because he says he just wants to move on. I think I will respect his wishes unless he asks later. I think this will sit in my mind until i go to the bishop again and tell him the details. My husband actually got a new job at an engineering firm when this was all going on and is now home early and we spend lots of time together now and we are really healing and feeling happy again. I just feel like some of the details of the texting sit at the back of my mind and I am carrying the guilt of those.

I have been questioning myself alot and why this happened. My husband and I have a great marriage. We have sex about 6-7 times a week after being married for 7 years and still very attracted to each other. I think I was lonely cause my husband was gone so much for work and I was flattered that this man had such strong attraction to me and said he was in love with me. I was addicted to the attention. I don't really feel like I had strong feelings for him because I don't think about him hardly ever anymore? I also think my personality is fun and I love new exciting things and am a real doer....this other man was the same. My husband is more of a stay home and watch a movie kinda guy so we are trying to find balance and do more fun exciting things together. Many lessons learned here.....

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I and my husband recently went to a conference for people like me who have either had affairs or had issues with acting out sexually. Spouses were also invited.Speaking in this conference were a husband and wife. The husband was the person with sexual issues, the wife didn't have these issues. The wife said she felt it was not a good idea for people to tell their spouses everything about their acting out because she said it felt like she was being dumped on.

Once, I had an emotional affair. Recently, I had a physical affair. My husband knows about the affairs, but does not wish to know the details. To recover from these affairs, I've been attending a 12-step program. In this program, I have a sponsor to guide me through the steps. Regarding my affairs, I do tell the details to my bishop and my sponsor. Neither any of my bishops (there have been multiple ones) nor my sponsor have told me to tell my husband the details of my affairs. I haven't even told my husband how many times I had been with the man I was physical with.

With my emotional affair, I told the bishop, and nothing else became of it discipline-wise. With my sexual affair, I am going to a disciplinary council.

Prayers sent up for you. You CAN overcome this. I know, I've overcome before. And I'll overcome again. Apparently, affairs are something I and maybe you also need to always, always, Always be safeguarding against by drawing near unto God.

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I have brought it up a few times wanting to talk about more detail but my husband just says...I forgive you completely and I trust you and he said he would rather not know details and doesn't want to talk about it anymore and just move forward? Also while talking to my bishop, he seemed to make light of it because nothing physical ever happened. He just told me to focus on my husband and our marriage covenants and if I was still struggling communicating with him or thinking about him to come back to talk to him.... He said this was the first time dealing with an "emotional affair"

I think your husband, no offense, is foolish for not wanting to know details. This could "tempt" you to do something like this again with a different man. The feelings of excitement you had make sense to the "natural man" but spiritually they are very, very wrong.

They are making "light" of it most likely because they don't know about the sexting. The sexting is kind of a big deal IMO. I'd be angry if my wife was being flirtatious with someone else and I'd be livid if she was sexting someone because clearly there is something wrong!

Sexting with someone who isn't your spouse is going to cause feelings inside 1) because it is sexual and 2) the thought of being with another can/will cause excitement to some. Don't let any of this creep into your mind. Purge it out right away! You're not talking about doing something immoral with a single person being single yourself and fact that you served a mission or came from a leadership family doesn't provide you any protection, IMO, from the temptations of the devil.

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I can't believe some people here.

Physical is way worse! You allowed what came into your mind first to be acted out physically.

This is why we came to Earth. To allow good or bad thoughts into our minds and then to freely act accordingly. David didn't REALLY mess up until he had sex with Bethsheba and then sent Uriah to be killed in battle.

Edited by Smeagums
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I think your husband, no offense, is foolish for not wanting to know details. This could "tempt" you to do something like this again with a different man. The feelings of excitement you had make sense to the "natural man" but spiritually they are very, very wrong.

They are making "light" of it most likely because they don't know about the sexting. The sexting is kind of a big deal IMO. I'd be angry if my wife was being flirtatious with someone else and I'd be livid if she was sexting someone because clearly there is something wrong!

Sexting with someone who isn't your spouse is going to cause feelings inside 1) because it is sexual and 2) the thought of being with another can/will cause excitement to some. Don't let any of this creep into your mind. Purge it out right away! You're not talking about doing something immoral with a single person being single yourself and fact that you served a mission or came from a leadership family doesn't provide you any protection, IMO, from the temptations of the devil.

I don't know. I think it would be more important for the husband to find out why his wife needed to go to another man. Trust me. She wasn't tempted by the sex. That came way later. If I remember right from the OP, her husband was away a lot. And this man friend dude paid attention to her. I think she was feeling lonely and unwanted in some degree. And the other man said his marriage was in the ditch. Most likely he was looking to have his emotional needs met in some way. Maybe she made him feel heard, or strong, or needed in some way. Whatever it is, the temptation isn't about having runaway sexual thoughts. The temptation comes when partners feel unwanted, unseen, or inadequate.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I decided to tell my husband the details. It was hard and my heart was racing but I am so glad I did. I feel lifted and I feel peace again. I was feeling nervousness before. He was hurt and we cried and hugged but he was understanding. He said he knew, things don't have to be said to be felt but I needed to say it. I really appreciate that my husband recognized that it was both of us that need to work harder. He appoligized for being away so much and being exhausted when he got home and often not communicating with me but we are doing better with that.

I have one more question.... I know in my mind that this emotional affair was very wrong. I see that it could have destroyed 2 temple marriages and families. I blocked him on facebook, I got a new phone, they moved away for his job, I am running away from the situation because I know it is wrong. I have confessed to the Lord, my bishop, and husband and feel the Savior closer now in my life than I have in a long time. My questions is how can i know something in my mind so strongly but my heart still has a desire to be with the other man? I miss him. I try not to but I think about him but wonder what he is doing. My heart just hurts for him. I want to feel again how he made me feel alive, beautiful, loved, excited etc. I would never contact him but I do feel tempted. I know this man would be open to continue our communication if I was open to it but I won't. I just wish the desire would go away! I have tried to create these same feelings with my husband by texting him sexy pictures of myself when he is at work, having date night each week, talking alone more each night, having sex everyday, and serving him more by making his favorite meals, etc... I love him so deep in my heart but it still feels comfortable and non exciting. Is there a way to have exciting love again? Have I not repented because I still have a desire to be with this man even though I know I would never and it makes me sick to think how wrong this is. Is having the temptation there a sin or only acting on it?

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Hmm.. I do not think temptation is a sin. Wasn't Christ tempted? We know he did not sin. Actions constitute sin. Both in thought and body. I do not have any advice as to how to avoid thinking of this other person, other than when you start to do so, think of something else, concentrate on a hobby/hymn/scripture. Time will heal and make you forget.

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You are trying to do things with your husband that make you feel the way you did with this other man. Wouldnt that remind you even more of the other guy? I beleive that we need our own reasons to love the person we are with, free from those reminding us of our other desires.

The reasons I love my wife today are more broad that when we first were married. They are also different. But those reasons are ours and ours alone.

The feelings you had for this other guy, wrong or right, were real. That will make it hard. But dwelling on those feelings will not help you move on.

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