in despair

[pooter1]

Everything is unraveling.We are full tithe payers and have struggled to pay our bills since we have been married.We have juggled and worked over time.Recently we took out a private loan to pay some bills for the month.Had the cops at our house because of my son who does not want to follow our rules.He threatened suicide AGAIN and they took him to the hospital.My life is becoming a nightmare!! Sometimes I sit in the corner and just scream, no words,just scream.I pray and pray.Go to church,go to the temple,accept callings. This morning we wake up and sewage is coming through the tub. I feel like Im sewage. My point with this is I am a negative person because I have ALWAYS had negative things happen to me no matter how much tithing I pay,no matter if I didn't work to raise my kids when they were young,No matter how many callings I have accepted.This is my lot.I truly keep the commandments and live the gospel out of fear. I must still believe in god because nothing has changed with how I do things.I do fear him very much.God can let anything happen. Just because you live the gospel does not mean your are going to be happy in it. Thanks for listening.

[pooter1]

If you are tired of hearing from me.I guess if your on the other side of this I would get tired and roll my eyes to.Does anyone know where I can get help to survive until God takes me.Ive made it 40t years but I do feel like Im getting weaker the older I get. Another website maybe?

[JudoMinja]

Angel- I'm so sorry you're going through so much hardship. If you would like to read some of my thoughts, and the thoughts of the many others who've contributed to these threads, about the bad things in our lives working for our good, you can read shyguy's "Why Does God Allow Bad Things to Happen to Good People" or Dark Jedi's "Why shouldn't I have my name removed?".

However, it sounds to me like you're really looking for comfort here, so I'll refrain from that kind of discussion on this thread. Instead, I want to let you know that the Lord shares your pain. He weeps with you for your suffering. Likewise, I and many others can sympathize and empathize having been through similar experiences and sharing your pain. I know it is hard. Just hold on. Don't give up on yourself.

Have you tried asking for assistance from the church at all? Much of what you're describing like the problems with the bills and your sewage going out are things they could help you with, so that you don't have to feel so alone and overwhelmed.

[applepansy]

Angel, I'm so sorry. I've felt what you've felt.

I used to joke that I would only "survive to the end." Then one day I asked the question "I know I have to endure to the end but do I have to be happy about it?" So I looked it up in the scriptures and the answer is YES! It took me a little while to get over that and since then I've worked to be cheerful despite all the garbage that goes on in my life.

The more I'm able to be cheerful the better things have gotten.

[pooter1]

Thank you for your comments. Im really in a mess.Sometimes I can bring myself out of this but its slow going this round. Trying to find strength.i just need it to slow down a bit so i can catch up and take a breath.

[Backroads]

You need a big hug and a chocolate donut.

[MorningStar]

Angel, have you ever kept a gratitude journal? I hear that makes a big difference. I did a thing with my kids calle "daily praise". They did so many things to annoy me, I decided to make myself write down something good they did that day and helped how I felt towards them. I can look around at any given moment and see dirty laundry somewhere, pen on the carpet, dishes not put in the sink, etc., but I have to choose not to focus on the negative.

A friend of mine has been in the hospital for two months and today was finally the day she got frustrated. She has patience and positivity that hardly anyone has and I don't know what makes her that way, but she is amazing. She has a gift for seeing the good even when things are horrible. She has had medical problems her whole life, can't have children because of them, couldn't drive for many years until a car was customized for her, but she would take the bus to volunteer at hospitals nearby.

My husband and I have struggled financially pretty much our whole marriage too. We live in a two bedroom apartment with four kids and our manager could kick us out if anyone complained to corporate. That's constantly hanging over my head and they recently did kick a family out because the toddler was too loud. I just have to focus on the good. I have healthy children. I have a great husband with a stable job (things could be much worse), I have musical talents to get us by, wonderful friends, and a sense of humor that makes everything more bearable.

Prayers for you! Sounds like a lot of hard situations you're dealing with.

[BadWolf]

If you are tired of hearing from me.I guess if your on the other side of this I would get tired and roll my eyes to.Does anyone know where I can get help to survive until God takes me.Ive made it 40t years but I do feel like Im getting weaker the older I get. Another website maybe?

Hugs!

Sometimes ya just can't win for losin!

(Family saying. We're gallows humor types.)

Now... I don't know you or your history at all... But have you ever been seen for depression? If your son is suicidal, it stands to reason that it may be a genetic thing. Depression (and several other disorders) often hit women at pre-menopause, or become HUGELY worsened as our hormone levels start to fluctuate. (Women. Sheesh. Menses onset, monthly cycles, pregnancy, menopause. The only consistency is the inconsistency! It's a wonder we ever get a routine down!)

Point being... Even if you've never had a problem with depression/anxiety/etc. in the past because you've always been able to shoulder on and chin up, another joy of 40s may mean needing help.

If your son is in the hospital, then you qualify for assistance from the Social Work department... Which a big part of their job includes family support and finding resources (counselors or doctors, sliding scale or grants, etc.) both in house and out of house. Social Workers often get confused with CPS... But MSWs are faaaaaaar more than that. Licensed counselors, librarians to just about everything locally offered for med & psych care, case managers, etc.

[Sharky]

Not very many months ago I unloaded on my Home Teacher of all the things going on in life, the way things seemed to be crushing me.

He gave me his normal line .... We will never be given or handed something that we, with the Lords help, can not handle.

Yesterday the Home Teacher after a very stressful week said something about not being able to handle things ... you can guess what I responded with.

It is tough having a child that has some "issues". I remember a few years where we were constantly waiting for the next blow-up, constantly tip-toeing around different topics so as to avoid triggering him.

We had all the kitchen knives stashed & locked in our room but still did not feel safe.

The cops would haul him to a "emergency facility" where he would stay for 72-hrs & then we had to bring him back home.

NOTHING could be done until he actually did something that would support a claim of harm to himself or others.

The entire situation almost destroyed our marriage as well as came dangerously close to destroying my wife.

At one point, after he was out of our home, we even had to obtain a restraining order against him.

We did make it thru. Can't say it was easy. Can't say he is welcomed in our home today, but I can say he does "facebook" with us & seems to have a better handle on life today.

I really don't know what to say to comfort you or help you thru these days .... though it does sound like you have been worn down, worn out, & need a rejuvination of some sorts.

Are you yourself getting any help, maybe seeing a counselor of your own? Can't hurt & may just be a good bit of help - someone to sound off too & receive some personalized guidance from. Worth trying!

Hang in there!

[pooter1]

Ive been on prozac and xanax ever since my fiance killed himself over 20 years ago. I have had counseling over the years.Ive learned all the breathing techniques for anxiety attacks. Im just tired of it all.Im just tired. I look at some of my friends at church and they have had no problems all their life,Ok yes I know they have had problems but NOTHING compared to what I have lived through.I just keep wondering what is the difference? I live the same gospel they live.Its like high school either you are popular or your not.I am not. I feel god does not look at me like those who have had it good. Why did I bare a son like I did.Why didn't god help us when we were trying so hard in his teenage years to get him on the right medicine before he turned 18. I just don't understand.

[pooter1]

By the way.Thank you for trying to help me. This is years and years of living with bad luck no matter how good I live the gospel. I can not wait for the day its my turn to go home!!! if it wasn't for husband and other child I would BEG for it day and night!!!

[Irishcolleen]

Everything is unraveling.We are full tithe payers and have struggled to pay our bills since we have been married.We have juggled and worked over time.Recently we took out a private loan to pay some bills for the month.Had the cops at our house because of my son who does not want to follow our rules.He threatened suicide AGAIN and they took him to the hospital.My life is becoming a nightmare!! Sometimes I sit in the corner and just scream, no words,just scream.I pray and pray.Go to church,go to the temple,accept callings. This morning we wake up and sewage is coming through the tub. I feel like Im sewage. My point with this is I am a negative person because I have ALWAYS had negative things happen to me no matter how much tithing I pay,no matter if I didn't work to raise my kids when they were young,No matter how many callings I have accepted.This is my lot.I truly keep the commandments and live the gospel out of fear. I must still believe in god because nothing has changed with how I do things.I do fear him very much.God can let anything happen. Just because you live the gospel does not mean your are going to be happy in it. Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry you are going through this experience with your son. It hurts sooo much! When our son was a teen he rejected our rules to the extreme. It got to the point that we made him leave home at 18. We took him to a rescue mission. He saw himself for the first time as he was- deeply in rebellion to God and us. He decided to stay at the rescue mission for a year. He turned his life over to God and now leads a good life and our relationship is healed. He is now an amazing son.

Dropping him off at the rescue mission was the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to go into the shower, where no one would hear me and just sob and cry out to God. Even during this dark hour God was faithful. He brought us through it. We were supported and encouraged by our church and the Holy Spirit.

I learned to love and trust God more and more during this time. God has used it for good. Our son has been an example to others. We have been able to help other parents going through this. Remember the only difference between coal and a diamond is heat and pressure!

Why not read Genesis 37 + about Joseph. He suffered so many things, but God was using it for good. I think those chapters will encourage you. Shoot me a message if you want to talk and I'll give you my email or phone #.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Irishcolleen

[Seminarysnoozer]

Everything is unraveling.We are full tithe payers and have struggled to pay our bills since we have been married.We have juggled and worked over time.Recently we took out a private loan to pay some bills for the month.Had the cops at our house because of my son who does not want to follow our rules.He threatened suicide AGAIN and they took him to the hospital.My life is becoming a nightmare!! Sometimes I sit in the corner and just scream, no words,just scream.I pray and pray.Go to church,go to the temple,accept callings. This morning we wake up and sewage is coming through the tub. I feel like Im sewage. My point with this is I am a negative person because I have ALWAYS had negative things happen to me no matter how much tithing I pay,no matter if I didn't work to raise my kids when they were young,No matter how many callings I have accepted.This is my lot.I truly keep the commandments and live the gospel out of fear. I must still believe in god because nothing has changed with how I do things.I do fear him very much.God can let anything happen. Just because you live the gospel does not mean your are going to be happy in it. Thanks for listening.

You have access to a computer and the internet connection. That makes it so that you more than most people in this world already - that's nothing to have despair over. Treasures of this world turn to dust and God doesn't forget the trials you go through.

D&C 122; " 5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like cwolves for the blood of the lamb;

7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

Sometimes the test of despair is the test of this life. Satan loves despair, the opposite of the admonition of Paul, hope in all things.

[Marlin1]

Angel333,

I wish that my words had power to offer some consolation or healing. I truly feel for you!

You don't have to answer this question, but ask yourself - How well do you know God? How well do you really know God? How deeply? How personally?

I am not implying that because you are suffering with terrible trials that you must not know God very well, or that you must not be living the commandments. It's just that he is your only hope, and hope sounds like something you could use a lot of right now. I sense a lot of fear, doubt, darkness, despair, and probably a lot of anger towards God (which is normal). God is hope, faith, light, and love. He is the antithesis of all that you are feeling. Believe that and go find it, go find Him. Prayer is your best friend. True, deep, meditative prayer. Go into your wilderness and get to know Him.

15 minutes of meditative prayer (more listening and feeling than talking) saved my life. Write all of your impressions in a prayer journal, it will become more sacred to you than the scriptures. Not only will you get to know God, you will get to know yourself on a level that you never have before. There must be the hunger, thirst, willingness, and sacrifice of your time. You need God. You can give him 15 minutes daily. It is hard at first, but 15 minutes will soon not feel like enough. Try to feel him and offer your feelings to him more than your words.

Through this process, you will be guided and begin piecing back together pieces of you.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Marlin1

[pooter1]

Marlin 1, I believe everything you just wrote but the closer I get to God the worse things happen in my life.I have not prayed this week or read scriptures and things have calmed down a little. My biggest fear is I will lose my mind.That I will have a break and won't be able to come back to reality. Im trying to find a safe place in my head and right now this is working. When I broke before(over 20 years ago) i couldn't help what was happening.I had no control.I so wish I would have been born with a sound mind.

[pooter1]

My friends think I should kick my son out of the house.How can I do it? Hes my son with a mental problem.

Where will he go? How will I not lose my mind and not worry myself sick over him?

[mdfxdb]

I don't know your situation, but I will add this..You don't know that what other people go through is NOTHING compared to what you have lived through. You can't know the pain in other peoples lives. I believe we are judged as to how we handle those pains, not necessarily how much it is or how intense it is.

I know people that only look at the negatives, only concentrate on the "bad" things that happen in their lives and it stymies their spiritual, emotional, and physical growth. They set themselves into a pattern where they believe only bad things happen to them, and guess what... It's a self-fulfilling prophesy...

Sometimes it's depression, sometimes bad things happen to good people. Just remember you are not alone. God is there, he loves you, he wants you to grow and progress, people in your ward and family love you and want you to grow and progress. It's actually painful to watch someone you love trap themselves in a cycle of depression/angst/loneliness.

Only you can snap yourself out of it. Our trails make us who we are, and how we handle those trials even more so. If we give up then we have lost. If you are depressed I suggest you seek professional help. Otherwise, decide to do something positive. Finish your education (if you haven't already), join a charity and donate your time to less fortunate, pursue a new hobby and become "excellent" at it..

[RMGuy]

Angel,

It sounds like you are a very good person. Someone that is always striving to be what you are supposed to be.

This may not be popular advice, but it has helped me.

Be yourself, be real, be honest.

If you don't think you can handle the calling right now, then trust that you know your situation better than the bishop or stake president. Say no. Even though that is probably contrary to the counsel to never turn down a calling.

If the choice is between paying the electric company to keep the lights on, or paying tithing, and you think that it is better to pay the bill and that Heavenly Father will understand better than the attorney will, then pay tithing. If though that goes against what you have heard to always pay tithing first.

The gospel is about being a better person but we are not required to walk father than we have strength nor run faster than we are able. It is a little here and a little there. Start being you. You mentioned praying and reading scriptures less. For others that might be a horrific thought, because they might need to do both of those things more to find balance and peace in their life. For you it might bring more stress and worry than comfort and cheer.

There is a caution that the natural man (woman) is an enemy to God. I get that and we need to be careful about justifying our behavior. However, God created us as individuals, not as robots. We need to learn to be comfortable with excersizing our agency, making decisions, and learning who we are. Just my $.02. In the meantime (hugs).

-RM

[Irishcolleen]

You have been in my prayers. I am asking for God to bring peace and healing to your family and for you to have wisdom in any decisions that may need to be made. I pray that you will feel God's love and strength in a powerful way, that you will lean on Him as your source of strength and power.

Psalm 91

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Irishcolleen

[Sali]

Angel, you are so exhausted. I feel it as I have some similar trials in my life too that seem neverending. Very similar to yours. It's so hard to feel positive, or pick yourself up when you feel that exhausted. It's so easy to feel forgotten by God, or to feel that other's lives are better than yours. It's so easy to feel angry and bitter.

I can't say that things are going to get better, they haven't for us yet, but what I do know is that how I cope is just by allowing myself to ride through the experience, feel the pain and accept that life is what it is for me. This way I stop fighting myself, and stop the yearning for better. I remind myself constantly that 'it is what it is'. This doesn't make it all go away, it just helps me to accept my situation. The acceptance helps calm the negative emotions.

What I do know is that you are too exhausted to try to change how you are feeling, so for now, just try accepting, even though life is pretty rubbish. Big hugs for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Just edited to say that I am not saying that you should never ever try to get over this, my advice is just for while you are in crisis as I feel you are atm.

[pooter1]

Thank you so much.I have read all of these comments and i have pondered on them.Everything everyone is saying is true. I don't what the future holds.Im just hanging on.The last couple of days have been ok except the anxiety and anticipation of what is going to happen next. I truly truly am thankful I can post my feelings and get feedback.It feels good to just vent.

[BadWolf]

Ive been on prozac and xanax ever since my fiance killed himself over 20 years ago. I have had counseling over the years.Ive learned all the breathing techniques for anxiety attacks. Im just tired of it all.Im just tired. I look at some of my friends at church and they have had no problems all their life,Ok yes I know they have had problems but NOTHING compared to what I have lived through.I just keep wondering what is the difference? I live the same gospel they live.Its like high school either you are popular or your not.I am not. I feel god does not look at me like those who have had it good. Why did I bare a son like I did.Why didn't god help us when we were trying so hard in his teenage years to get him on the right medicine before he turned 18. I just don't understand.

I would like to suggest a continuation on the same theme. Being ADHD (and dabbling a bit in neurology (just a minor).... People in general , but Women in particular often need to adjust meds (type or dosage) as they age, and as their external lives alter.

If its been 20 years on the same meds, with enough outward symptomology that you appear to be on no meds... It's probably time to adjust them. Which can be a daunting prospect... But on the upside... You KNOW meds+therapy have worked for you in the past. While your son has no such faith, as he's never found that for himself. In fact, it may be something you 2 can do together.

______

As far as bad luck... I consider mysf extremely lucky... I have a GREAT life! But also, from what you've shared, my life may be "worse" than yours from an outside perspective. And I know my life is a LOT better than many people's. there will always be someone better off and worse off. Judging our insides, from someone else's outsides, usually only brings suffering (superiority or inferiority, jealousy/envy, etc.).

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Im just tired of it all.Im just tired. I look at some of my friends at church and they have had no problems all their life,Ok yes I know they have had problems but NOTHING compared to what I have lived through.I just keep wondering what is the difference? I live the same gospel they live.Its like high school either you are popular or your not.I am not. I feel god does not look at me like those who have had it good. Why did I bare a son like I did.Why didn't god help us when we were trying so hard in his teenage years to get him on the right medicine before he turned 18. I just don't understand.

I can relate to what you said. I told my Bishop recently that I feel like God's step-child. His counsel was helpful, but specific to me.

A couple things that have helped me. . .

Both Elder Holland's words and the song.. .

This talk is very helpful, from Elder Bednar:

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng

I have listened to this talk by Elder Maxwell, many times...you can read it or listen, listen to it if you can because his voice is so gentle and kind:

Speeches

[pooter1]

I am thinking my meds need to be adjusted also.I have been on the same meds for 20 years.I never thought about that.I am going to go look through these talks.Thank you all for trying to help me.This sure is cheaper than therapy.