I Feel Like I Don't Fit In


kbradfie
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I am currently in a married student ward. I have really been struggling a lot feeling like I have a place in my Relief Society. My husband and I have been in the ward for a year and a half, since we were married. In that time we have made many attempts to invite different couples over and get to know people, but it seems the act is rarely reciprocated. I have been having an especially hard time in Relief Society feeling like I have any close friends there. It seems every Sunday I go in and make a special effort to sit and talk to someone. There have been Sundays where I have been one of the first in and have had empty chairs on either side of me and no one comes to sit there. It is times like this when I really feel like a loser.

Now to add a new dimension is the fact that I am pregnant. Many of the women in my ward are also pregnant (at least 10 others!) In the past month there have been at least 3 baby showers, with two more coming up in the next week. I have been invited to them and have been attending. I can't help but feel melancholy right now though because I feel I have no one in the ward who would reach out and do the same for me. I am really struggling right now with feeling lonely. My mother and sisters are a state away and I never imagined I would be having my first child so far from them. My husband is a great support, but I don't feel he can offer some of the comfort and socializing I need from a woman's perspective. I look ahead to when I have the baby with a lot of anxiety because I do not feel like I have anyone in my ward that I can turn to, including my visiting teachers. I worry that as a stay at home mom I will have no friends to keep in touch with. I can't help but feel a lot of hurt right now as I go to each of these other sisters baby showers, wondering why it is that I have not seemed to be able to find a place to feel at home in my ward. If I was not making an effort to reach out and meet people that would be a different story, but I honestly feel I have made the effort to get to know people and help people feel welcome, especially when they are new.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so sad right now. Sometimes I just want to cry because I feel so helpless. This is something I have prayed about, for help that I will be able to find ways to serve others and not let these feelings fester inside, but I am still struggling. Does anyone have any advice or words of comfort to offer?

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I really feel for you. :(

I know the real need to feel connected to a few special sisters in our ward. My closest friends are ppl I have gone VT too or who have been my VT's. Being in someones home breaks down a lot of barriers IMO.

Other sisters I have bonded with are those who I have served with in my church callings. One thing that O was a part of years back was a family home evening group. There were about 8 women total and each month we would choose a topic and make a packet for 8 families. At the end we would meet and exchange packets. It was a lot of fun and it helped me to better know these women.

It sounds to me like you have put forth a sincere effort, after do this we need to turn it to the Lord.

Where have you served in this ward?

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i'm not sure there is much i can say other than i have felt some of what you describe, and it will all work out and be worth it, don't give up. it's ok to cry. i hesitate to try to say anything because of an experiance i had, so i guess i'll just share that.

i was newly married, in a new branch and stake, knew no one, and expecting. i don't make friends easily, but was trying. the pregnancy made me sick, to the point that i moved very little and ate even less due to morning sickness. when i turned to the few i knew (oh, my family lived far away as well, lol) for support or help i was given lots of lines and advice that only made me feel worse. things like the hormones that make you sick keep you from miscarrying (which is not true) so you should be glad your sick. all kinds of well meaning advice. it all served to make me feel worse. they were well intentioned ladies, but didn't help. thus i felt even more alone and saddness. i went to a stake meeting and there i met a friend of my husband's for the first time. she had a small child on her hip. she took one look at me and knew what i was going through, no one told her i was expecting or how sick i had been. she simply put her arm arround me and (as best as i can recall) said, "i've been where you are seven times, sick with all of them, this is the one i have to show for it. there are no gaurentees of how things will go, but it is all worth it." she demanded no conversation, just gave me a hug and left to say hello to others. her words were the only ones i received that brought me comfort. there was very much a message in her voice that said it's ok. it's ok to not like being sick, it's ok to be frustrated, it's ok to have a hard time with this, it's ok to feel alone, it's ok to feel what you feel, just know that all will be well, no matter what. i doubt she will ever know how much those words meant to me, they were truely inspired.

god bless you and yours in this journey. it will not always be easy, but it is worth the effort.

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I am currently serving as a Relief Society teacher. Before that my husband and I served together on the activities committee. I have really enjoyed both callings but unfortunately as a teacher I don't get to work closely with any of the other sisters in the ward as it is kind of a one woman job when you prepare. I have asked for some help from a couple of sisters before as I prepared, but beyond that I've pretty much been on my own.

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I'm sorry you hurt. When my daughter was about you age (I think) she had some problems also. Young women new to RS usually feel out of their nitch and people can be unkind without meaning to be. It's probably even harder because you're in one of those special wards designed so people will have things in common. They don't always work.

I've made my friends in various callings too. Working together seems to do the trick. But it took awhile. Being a convert I always thought every one else knew something I didn't. Like they had some secret advantage. But they didn't.

All I can say is gird your loins, count your blessings, smile and forgive. This too shall pass.

John Bytheway said, “If you haven't been offended by someone in the church, be patient!"

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When you discover the secret to it, let me know too :) I live in a rather small branch of about 120 active members (including children). There have been afew new young couples move in, but i am extremely shy and find it hard making friends. I do try as best i can but i know what you mean, when you try and make those connections, but no one seems interested in whether you're there or not :dontknow:

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When you discover the secret to it, let me know too :) I live in a rather small branch of about 120 active members (including children). There have been afew new young couples move in, but i am extremely shy and find it hard making friends. I do try as best i can but i know what you mean, when you try and make those connections, but no one seems interested in whether you're there or not :dontknow:

Darn right. They still aren't.
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  • 2 weeks later...

My heart goes out to you kbradfie. I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago....6 months pregnant, just moved into new ward, knew no one, often at church alone due to husband's job, and all family of mine 2000 miles away. First Sunday in RS I sat surrounded by empty chairs, and as the weeks went by I never got the "warm welcome" I had been so desperately needing. I participated in the lessons, sat by new people each week and introduced myself, smiled alot, etc. I even sought out the VT coordinator to let her know that I loved being a VT and would be happy to serve the sisters in our ward. Months a couple of months went by and I shed a lot of tears and felt like I had not one friend in the ward. I even approached the VT coordinator again to volunteer myself. I really felt like I was unloved by my sisters and forgotten by them. I felt I had done all I could.

I started praying every night for the opportunity to become a VT and I pleaded for Heavenly Father to send me someone special to be my friend. On the day my daughter was born my newly assigned VT companion came to visit me in the hospital and that was the start of a most wonderful friendship. And of course, through VT I came to get to know many other sisters and develop friendships as well.

I don't why it took so long for me to feel like I found my place in this ward, but through this experience my testimony of prayer was greatly strengthened. Perhaps it will just take you some time to make those special connections we all seek.

Be patient and prayerful. Your Father in Heaven will not let you down.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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