Trouble in the first few months of marriage!


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I'm very sorry he's putting you through this. My best guess is that he's involved with someone else. :(

I don't think that is right. He works extremely long hours. He is an investment banker. He is basically married to his job. I don't know when he'd have the time to juggle a girlfriend on the side. Thank you for your sympathy though.. It's a horrible situation.

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Oh this is terribly sad. So sorry that you are having to go through such a trial. Wow, I don't really know what to say. Do you have a relationship with his family -- would any of them have a clue? It seems like there is something deep inside of him that needs to be addressed. And yes, Satan probably has now got a hold of him. The saddest part of this is the fact that you won't be able to change him -- like you said, he has his agency. I would fast, pray, etc. for the strength to get through this trial and of course pray for him that he may be comforted and guided and then just accept that this may not work out the way you want it to but to stay strong in your testimony. I know without a doubt that blessings always come when we stay strong in the gospel. It may not be the blessings we were hoping for but the light at the end of the tunnel is wonderful none the less.

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What a heartbreaking situation! I am so sorry. I don't know if I would jump to the affair idea, either, but it doesn't seem as if your husband was as ready for marriage as he thought--which happens, no one truly knows what they are getting themselves into, it's a big adjustment as you said. I wouldn't doubt his love for you, but there is definitely something going on in his life that is giving him a bad view of the marriage relationship.

I'm thinking about my husband's first marriage. They were having trouble, similar fights over stupid things (as well as some more serious issues). However, he didn't think things were that bad until he also got the "I'm done" talk. For some separation after that, his ex was wishy-washy, still saying she cared for him, etc. But the fact was that she wasn't invested in the marriage (according to a mutual friend who is now my friend, she was never truly interested in being married). I'm wondering if the marriage, for your husband, was a simple "Well, we dated for a year, let's get married". I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but there's only so much you can do when your husband decides he wants out.

My other thought is that he's having spiritual difficulties (avoiding all these aspects of religion) and that's become more important than you at this time.

As for your prayers, I think asking that your husband's heart to be softened is an excellent thing to pray for. That might not make him come back to you in and of itself, but it might put him in a better state of mind and heart to think about just what is happening in his life. Also, be sure to pray for yourself. You are going to need the strength to get through this, no matter what the end result will be.

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Oh this is terribly sad. So sorry that you are having to go through such a trial. Wow, I don't really know what to say. Do you have a relationship with his family -- would any of them have a clue? It seems like there is something deep inside of him that needs to be addressed. And yes, Satan probably has now got a hold of him. The saddest part of this is the fact that you won't be able to change him -- like you said, he has his agency. I would fast, pray, etc. for the strength to get through this trial and of course pray for him that he may be comforted and guided and then just accept that this may not work out the way you want it to but to stay strong in your testimony. I know without a doubt that blessings always come when we stay strong in the gospel. It may not be the blessings we were hoping for but the light at the end of the tunnel is wonderful none the less.

Thank you for your words. I have a good relationship with his family. One brother lives near us but doesn't want to get involved.. His parents flew over from overseas as soon as they found out this happened. They said they had no place in giving him advice - he is a grown man - but they were going to support us both in whatever the outcome was. I didn't think that was a great attitude to have... I was hoping they'd offer encouragement to go through with marriage counseling or at least convince him to reconsider shutting the door on our marriage completely. It is a Temple marriage after all. Surely they would see the significance in that.

I think I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact he has agency. At times I think this is a pretty harsh trial to go through, but you are right. Blessings will come if I stay true. Thanks again ^_^

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What a heartbreaking situation! I am so sorry. I don't know if I would jump to the affair idea, either, but it doesn't seem as if your husband was as ready for marriage as he thought--which happens, no one truly knows what they are getting themselves into, it's a big adjustment as you said. I wouldn't doubt his love for you, but there is definitely something going on in his life that is giving him a bad view of the marriage relationship.

I'm thinking about my husband's first marriage. They were having trouble, similar fights over stupid things (as well as some more serious issues). However, he didn't think things were that bad until he also got the "I'm done" talk. For some separation after that, his ex was wishy-washy, still saying she cared for him, etc. But the fact was that she wasn't invested in the marriage (according to a mutual friend who is now my friend, she was never truly interested in being married). I'm wondering if the marriage, for your husband, was a simple "Well, we dated for a year, let's get married". I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but there's only so much you can do when your husband decides he wants out.

My other thought is that he's having spiritual difficulties (avoiding all these aspects of religion) and that's become more important than you at this time.

As for your prayers, I think asking that your husband's heart to be softened is an excellent thing to pray for. That might not make him come back to you in and of itself, but it might put him in a better state of mind and heart to think about just what is happening in his life. Also, be sure to pray for yourself. You are going to need the strength to get through this, no matter what the end result will be.

You could be right. I think my husband wants a family and children and happy marriage, yet perhaps he wasn't ready to face the reality of it. It isn't easy. It takes hard work. I've heard the first year is the most difficult. Your husband's story sounds very familiar to mine in some aspects. Thank you for sharing that. I'll continue to pray for him and pray that my desires will coincide with the Lord's.. I'm sure he doesn't want our marriage to be over, but he has little power of my husband's choices. I will also continue to pray for myself. I don't know how people get through these sorts of things without prayer!

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NurseB,

I'm learning that in the advice forum, posters are looking for either sympathy or advice. The other posters are asking you good questions and offering sympathy. I will offer some perspective/advice.

We still only have one side of the story. Yes, it sounds like he's unforgiving, or in a lot of pain - whether personal, spousal, occupational... we won't know.

Requiring parents to intercede in a marriage is like the Star Trek Prime Directive - no interference without consent. It's not really their place.

Unfortunately, unless we can get into his mind and his perceptions and pains... we can't help you.

Until you get to the point where you might identify if you may be the source of his pain... we can't help you.

It would take a great deal of strength, courage and humility to go through this process. Some people would rather run from it.

It's also the process that counseling requires.

Even if he won't go to marriage counseling, you should.

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Well something is going on. Affair or not he is showing signs of serious problems. Maybe it is immaturity. Were you discussing children? Planning on having any soon? Whatever it was he has his agency and he is not using it well.

We really wanted children! Not immediately.. But we were planning to try in about a year's time. I would have loved to start right away, but I think when faced with the reality of how much effort goes into sustaining a happy marriage, we both decided it would be wise to get that in order first. Why do you mention children?

My husband is almost 30 and I don't think he is immature in an everyday sense, but his immaturity in relationships has definitely surfaced! Agency - a blessing and a curse lol.

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If he's almost 30, and according to your profile, you're 20... do you think there may have been a maturity difference?

I'm not taking sides, but I'm simply asking to have you do an internal perspective.

Is it possible that you may have been immature in the way you treated things that were important to him?

Just asking a question based on the age difference that I notice.

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NurseB,

I'm learning that in the advice forum, posters are looking for either sympathy or advice. The other posters are asking you good questions and offering sympathy. I will offer some perspective/advice.

We still only have one side of the story. Yes, it sounds like he's unforgiving, or in a lot of pain - whether personal, spousal, occupational... we won't know.

Requiring parents to intercede in a marriage is like the Star Trek Prime Directive - no interference without consent. It's not really their place.

Unfortunately, unless we can get into his mind and his perceptions and pains... we can't help you.

Until you get to the point where you might identify if you may be the source of his pain... we can't help you.

It would take a great deal of strength, courage and humility to go through this process. Some people would rather run from it.

It's also the process that counseling requires.

Even if he won't go to marriage counseling, you should.

I understand that this is merely one-sided. I wish I could go into greater depth of what he is feeling! It was such a whirlwind month, everything happened so fast, I have barely had time to process it all. He has shut out a lot of people. His parents described him as being completely flat. That's why I agree that counseling would be a wonderful option. Even if we cannot work out our differences and he believes separation is best, at least I will have some insight on where his mind is and why he made such a drastic decision so swiftly. Thanks for taking the time to reply :)

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I understand that this is merely one-sided. I wish I could go into greater depth of what he is feeling! It was such a whirlwind month, everything happened so fast, I have barely had time to process it all. He has shut out a lot of people. His parents described him as being completely flat. That's why I agree that counseling would be a wonderful option. Even if we cannot work out our differences and he believes separation is best, at least I will have some insight on where his mind is and why he made such a drastic decision so swiftly. Thanks for taking the time to reply :)

Though skippy is right that we don't know your husband's side... neither do you. It's quite expected that you would come here and present your take on the situation. We might not be able to help your husband, but I'd like to think something we say here can help you specifically with your struggles in this trial.

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Have you written him a letter? Not an email, but a handwritten letter?

Letters are much more personal, particularly because of the handwriting style. I would write him a letter, express your love and concern. That you care, but you respect him. (Respect is a big word with us men.)

Don't give him advice. Don't suggest anything. In fact, I would simply state that you are going to go to counseling to see how you may have contributed to his decision to leave. You want to know if there is something that you're doing or saying that is causing harm because that is not your intention.

If you want to "suggest" anything... don't. Only INVITE him to participate. "If you would like to determine where we went wrong, I'd love to invite you to a session with me so we can work on this together." This sounds a lot better than saying "I suggest we get to a counselor." One is an invitation... the other is nagging.

Just a thought.

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If he's almost 30, and according to your profile, you're 20... do you think there may have been a maturity difference?

I'm not taking sides, but I'm simply asking to have you do an internal perspective.

Is it possible that you may have been immature in the way you treated things that were important to him?

Just asking a question based on the age difference that I notice.

I've grown up in a family where my brothers are all much older than I am, and people have always commented that I am mature for my age. I've already completed a university degree, have travelled extensively, lived on my own etc... Your case may still stand though. There is 8 years between us which is a decent amount of time. He may have viewed my way of dealing with arguments to be immature. I see it more as sensitivity than immaturity though. I'll take that into consideration.

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Have you written him a letter? Not an email, but a handwritten letter?

Letters are much more personal, particularly because of the handwriting style. I would write him a letter, express your love and concern. That you care, but you respect him. (Respect is a big word with us men.)

Don't give him advice. Don't suggest anything. In fact, I would simply state that you are going to go to counseling to see how you may have contributed to his decision to leave. You want to know if there is something that you're doing or saying that is causing harm because that is not your intention.

If you want to "suggest" anything... don't. Only INVITE him to participate. "If you would like to determine where we went wrong, I'd love to invite you to a session with me so we can work on this together." This sounds a lot better than saying "I suggest we get to a counselor." One is an invitation... the other is nagging.

Just a thought.

My Stake President actually suggested I waited a couple of weeks and then write to him, so you're on the ball. A hand written letter would be nice, and I'll make sure to mention respect. I planned on keeping it short and sweet. Basically a note to ask how he was doing and let him know he is in my thoughts and prayers. Nothing too romantic though. I want to keep it easy going. Very true - invitations are much more pleasant than suggestions!

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I'm older than him, I've been married for 14 years, and I almost always cry at some point during an argument. Not out of manipulation or anything like that, I've just always been a crier. I always kind of hated that about me, but recently I've begun to accept my sensitivity as a vital part of my spirit that is not a weakness. That's not to say that I shouldn't make my best effort to deal with things in a way that's charitable to my husband, and try to be as reasonable as possible. . . but tears and tenderness in and of themselves are not a fault to be hated. If it's just tears that he's running from, that's his weakness, not yours. Again, we don't know his side, and I'm just talking about crying, of its own accord.

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As Skippy740 mentioned, it would be nice to know the whole circumstance from both parties involved, however I am truly sorrow that you and your husband are currently facing such a difficult trial, especially within the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

This surely must be devastating at times, and your heart and soul must weep when you are alone, or when you are in your parents arms.

In relationships sometimes one spouse will use tears to manipulate the other spouse. I am not saying you are, but I am wondering if this may be the way he felt, and may be he was thinking, "She is crying to manipulate me."

In my experience, I agree with my parents, that it takes two to tango. If from your response, you woke up feeling sorry and wanting to work things out, then I truly feel sorry for this young man.

There is so much more pain in anguish in life, and if he feels a marriage is over, due to disagreements that all marriages have, then I would say he is a little immature.

This provides a very difficult choice for you. If he isn't opening up to anyone, has stopped praying, etc... and it appears from what you have shared is loosing his testimony, I would wonder, as Eowyn (hopefully not though) if he has been truly faithful. I am not saying he hasn't been faithful, I am just saying this is a common tendency among dishonest men. Instead of being honest, and repenting, it is too hard and thus they forsake everything.

I would recommend reading Jacob 2: 8. These are great words. It appears you have a big choice, either fight for a man who seems not to care and thus cause more hardship (or a complete joy when things work out, if they do), or to recognize yourself, this isn't going to work out.

I wish you the best. Our prayers are with you and your husband.

Edited by Anddenex
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A flat affect is worrisome of clinical depression.

An endowed male refusing to pray is another concern...

Do you have friends in common? If so what do they think is going on?

Sounds like youall have had a serious communication barrier. Was it an issue during the courtship?

Until you understand what is going on in his head, and what his and your expectations are you are kinda spinning your wheels.

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Guest SquidMom

You said that in the frist few months you had 'minor arguments'. They couldn't have felt too minor if they made you cry. You also said that he showed no empathy or softness towards you when you cried. I'm sorry, but I just can't think of a gentle way to say this. How on earth can a man look at his wife, suffering from tears that he helped to cause, and not feel a desire to comfort her and still say he loves her? You want to hang on to this because it is a temple marriage. I certainly see the validity of that, but what makes you think he will suddenly be a different person in the celestial kingdom. I believe in miracles, so, maybe, but do you really want to be sealed for all eternity to someone who makes you cry and doesn't love you enough to even care?

He probably does love you, but just from what I've read, it doesn't sound like he loves you the right way, the way you deserve. I've known people that loved eachother very much, but simply could not manage to get along.

Love does not make a loving marriage on it's own. Not if it is misguided.

You asked what you shoud pray for. This open for criticism, of course, but I suggest strength and guidance for you both. Not to save the marriage, not for him or you to change, only that the Lord guide you down the path he has planned for you with as little pain as possible.

I believe in love being able to overcome nearly everything between two people, so of course I wish you luck and blessings and a safe, satisfying, fulfilling realationship. However, I hope that you don't hang on too long to a hope and a dream that will never pan out, either. Like SKIPPY740 said, we can't tell you what to do.

But wouldn't that make things so much easier?

Edited by SquidMom
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Guest SquidMom
reality of how much effort goes into sustaining a happy marriage, we both decided it would be wise to get that in order first.

I'm sorry if this seems crass, but really? you're barely back from your honeymoon! I know there is financial strain, relocation, and all in a new marriage. It's an adjustment, yes. But effort? Work? To show love for eachother? I hope that is not the phrase you meant to use. I am not judging you for your decisions, but I know it sounds that way. Sometimes I am not so good with words. Sorry. I truly hope the Lord helps you to straighten this out quickly, because even through this cold computer I can feel the sting of your pain. GOD BLESS YOU!

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reality of how much effort goes into sustaining a happy marriage, we both decided it would be wise to get that in order first.

I'm sorry if this seems crass, but really? you're barely back from your honeymoon! I know there is financial strain, relocation, and all in a new marriage. It's an adjustment, yes. But effort? Work? To show love for eachother? I hope that is not the phrase you meant to use. I am not judging you for your decisions, but I know it sounds that way. Sometimes I am not so good with words. Sorry. I truly hope the Lord helps you to straighten this out quickly, because even through this cold computer I can feel the sting of your pain. GOD BLESS YOU!

Absolutely! You come back from the honeymoon and suddenly you're sharing a life with a person you're getting to know in a whole new way. There's figuring out how to manage the money, how to manage time, how to keep up the house, where to eat, what to eat, how to argue, who sleeps where, learning what habits we should learn to ignore and which we should work on changing. . . it is hard! It's effort. It's work. It was for my husband and I. Maybe we are both exceptionally stubborn. I suppose we used to be, anyway. So yeah, that first year was really hard, in spite of the "fun" parts of being newlyweds. But boy, was the work of figuring all that out worth it. We established some good habits in those days for how we care for each other. Maybe with people like us, it's hard if you're doing it right.

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