Caught in Deceit Did I handle well

[kathysmike]

Tuesday my son asked if he could go with his friends from High Schoo; to a Haunted House on Wednesday for there Haloween evening. I asked for details, a parent was driving, a small group was Haunted House. Around 4:30 he grabbed his coat and said I'll wait outside they just sent a text they are leaving now, I told him cool let know when you leve here. By 5:30 I heard nothing from him so wonderred outside, Saw my son standing there with his buddie from his mom's neighboord who he asked to have come over for halloween and had told him no it was just to far 30 or miles on school nite to just hang makes no sence. I went inside gathered myself, retuned outside

told my 15 yearold I did not approve of the decite and he had 3 minutes to cancel the trip to the Haunted House and for his buddy to call his ride, and to get back in the house.

20 minutes later his friend's Mother whom I do not know was at the door wanting to know what happend, complaining she had drivin all this way. I explained this was all stp up behind by back by deite and my son was not going to benifit from lieing to me, she walked away mad at me.

These 2 have been friends for 8 years in the towm my Ex lives in, hence I do not know his parents, or him very well.

Edited November 1, 2012 by kathysmike
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[Windseeker]

So is the deceit that your son invited his friend from 30 miles away to go to the haunted house with him and his other friends when you refused to let him go to this friend’s house? I'm confused with how his friend coming over interferes with his or your plans?

If that's the case, and you asked, I think your exercising control for controls sake. I think as parents we shouldn't sweat the small stuff and pick our battles. We have a better chance of winning the Battle for our kids if we instill confidence in our judgment based on reason.

It's a delicate balance because when we rescind our trust we have to be prepared for the consequences. Trust is a 2 way street and I knew many kids growing up that used the excuse that "my parents think I'm a bad kid anyway so I might as well do bad things". Thats not a reason to trust regardless, but sometimes we have to trust and cross our fingers.

JMHO from a very imperfect fellow parent

[NeuroTypical]

Saw my son standing there with his buddie from his mom's neighboord who he asked to have come over for halloween and had told him no it was just to far 30 or miles on school nite to just hang makes no sence.

Is this it? He asked if he could bring a friend, you said no and gave reasons why, and your son arranged his friend to show up anyway?

I dunno. When my kids want something and I think it's not exactly the most best thing to have happen, I will often let it go. In a case like this, I would have asked myself "What do I care if my friend's son wants to travel 30 miles on a school night?" It doesn't impact my kid, right?

Yeah, your son lied to you. But if I understand the situation correctly, you didn't really have a good reason to say no in the first place (at least you sure didn't from his pov). So you didn't let him go to the thing, and it's over. Maybe you give a bit of the high ground on this one? That would be my suggestion.

[Guest]

A friend for 8 years and you told him No, he can't spend Halloween with him? This doesn't make sense. If I was the kid's mom, I'd be spitting mad too. If I was the kid, I'd be more mad.

Just doesn't seem like a good idea to get my kid mad for no good reason (that I can see). I don't see the deceit - I don't see why he can't be with his friend for 8 years on Halloween, especially since he is willing to drive 30 miles to be with his friend for 8 years...

[kathysmike]

On Sunday he asked if Rudy(budy) could come down to just hang I told him I needed to think about it, after checking weather forcast lower 40s rain, I told Bruce I thought it was not a good Idea since they had no plans other than to hang out and wander around.

On Tuesday Bruce asked if he could go with Sklylar and the kids from school to a Hunted House Wednesday, I had no problem knowing that Skylar's father would be driving.

While running erronds Wednesday afternoon Bruce inndicated again the kids from school that he would be going with that evening, no mention of the friend Rudy. He told me they would be by around 4:30 to pick him up. Around 4:40 he said I just got a text they are on thier way I am going out to wait, I will message ya I leave. We live on a corner lot and can not see out on the side of the house where he was being picked up. An hour later is when I discovered the decite and bold face lies about who he was going to be with and calmly pulled the plug on what my son was going to particapate in that evening. Were there "innocent" bystanders yes but I will not allow my Son to benifit after being caught lieing to my face

These boys have a history of bad judgment, from stories shared from my son, wandering the streets well after midnight just because there was nothing better to do. When in a grandparents/parents basement/attic they have been known to extensivly pilfer/rummage through personal belongings all by my sons addmission. They are quitre apt in convincing/whining to get thier way.

The above things are things I have been working on teaching/my boy are not acceptable ways to behave.

Edited November 2, 2012 by kathysmike
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[pam]

I'm not quite sure if you are asking for advice or just our opinion or just wanting to vent a bit.