Is it okay to not marry?

[mavreenrose]

I can't help feel that maybe I have "thought" myself out of getting married. I am 28, single, not dating anyone.. and in some ways, have just lost the desire to date.

I've had boyfriends before. I broke up with my first love when I was 18 because I felt I was too young and he was too intense -- and well I was just fearful. My second relationship lasted almost 4 years but mostly long distance. It ended because -- well, we just aren't to be. I do not want to lay the blame on anyone. My third relationship was also long distance and when my then boyfriend went home to our home country, he broke it off. No biggie. My last boyfriend just told me "You are not the one. This is not the narrative that will eventually make me happy". So that's that.

Somewhat, these experiences may just have reinforced that thought that I am not meant for relationships. I have tried. But I do realize I now have a lot of complexes to add on top of some "daddy issues" (Dad cheated on Mom with several other women. Etc) I have been told I have trust and control issues.

Anyway, as of the moment, I am not really happy with where I am in my life. I am working on getting my confidence back. And in some ways it's like I have given up on the thought of relationships and what not.

I have gone on dates in my ward but well, I am now one of the older girls.. I am generally friendly but I suppose I have always struck people as " Hey, let's just all be friends. But I don't want to date" type. And in some ways, I do admit to that.

Recently though, a friend asked me if I will ever get married..if I will ever be NOT fearful to get married. It just sort of struck a nerve.

Yet if I were to be honest...I am getting more and more comfortable at the thought of just being single.

[JudoMinja]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable being single! If marriage is something you eventually want for yourself, I wouldn't give up on it entirely, but you don't need to put so much focus and emphasis on it that you feel more and more miserable the longer you remain unmarried.

What your last boyfriend said: "You are not the one. This is not the narrative that will eventually make me happy." is reflective of an attitude that has become far to prevalent in the world, and especially the church. I used to think this way myself, and it shapes the way we approach dating, but it is all wrong. Let me explain:

First of all, there is no "the one". We should not be on a quest to find "the one", because that is a fantasy that just doesn't exist in the world. There will be no chiming bells, no special obvious feeling that tells us "Yes, that's the one", no unique spark, no perfect complementary fit to your character. Movies have robbed us as a culture of an understanding about what love really is. "True love" is not finding that one special someone who just happens to be your perfect match with whom everything will work perfectly. True love is giving of yourself selflessly to another, even though neither of you are perfect and you may not always get along. True love is sticking with that someone through thick and thin and holding true to your commitments.

Secondly- we should not go into a relationship expecting the other to make us happy. Happiness comes from within, and nothing will bring someone the happiness they are looking for if they continue to leave the control of that happiness with something outside themselves. This is why it is okay to be single- you don't need a partner to be happy. You don't need a partner to live a fulfilling life. Marriage is not "happily ever after", and you don't need to hold off on allowing yourself happiness. In fact- working on yourself and striving to do those things which will foster happiness within yourself is exactly what will prepare you to truly be ready for a partner, because you will be making yourself whole and capable of giving to enrich the life of another person.

I think we could probably attribute at least half the marraige problems we see today to people who married with a false ideology embedded in their minds, and when things didn't work out the way they expected they felt tricked or duped and start thinking they must have made a mistake in who they chose, because if it was "the one" and if it was "true love" things would have gone more smoothly. But the problem isn't that they made a wrong choice. It is that they had a false premise of marraige and love. If we can remove ourselves of these false ideals we could nip so many problems in the bud, the dating wouldn't be quite so frustrating, and more marraiges would be successful.

I wouldn't give up on marraige if it is something you want for yourself. But instead of looking for some special "click", ask yourself with each single guy you spend time with- "Is this someone progressing in righteousness?" That is really the most important question, because such a person will stand by you in a marraige and will foster righteousness in your future children, holding your family together under Christ. If the answer seems to be "yes", then spend more time getting to know them, becoming familiar with them, and building a relationship - even if that relationship is just a friendship! Because so many approach dating with the wrong attitude, it is actually better to avoid the pressure of dating and to slowly foster a relationship of trust with those who might be good choices.

And in the meantime- use your time being single to work on yourself and make sure you are progressing in righteousness. Relationships take time to grow, and as long as you are being social and involved in others lives, you are doing your part to look. The rest of preparing for a marraige is taking care of yourself, and doing what you can to make yourself whole so that you will be capable of giving the required service to another. It will take time- especially since there are so many who approach marraige and dating with the wrong mindset, and it is quite possible you won't ever have the opportunity to marry. That's okay. As long as you are living righteously, growing and sharing and progressing, you will receive the righteous desires of your heart in the Lord's time. Being content with being single, while still not giving up on the prospect of marraige, is possible when we trust Him and focus on our eternal progression instead of on finding "the one".

[beefche]

I am one who was single for a very long time before getting married. Here is what I learned from my many years as a single woman in a church which stresses family.

I can be happy as a single woman in the LDS church.

I can have a fulfilling life as a single woman in the LDS church.

I have inifinite value as a single woman in the LDS church.

There aren't alot of prospects in my neck of the woods for a single woman in the LDS church.

It is more important to me to marry the right person at the right time in the right place than to just be married to someone.

I can learn what it means to be a good wife and mother even while I am single with no prospect of being married.

I can appreciate the men in my life and respect all men.

I can have a strong testimony of priesthood and it's role in my life.

I can learn to overcome my own weaknesses, failures, fears and mistakes.

I can understand how I can be happy as a single woman, but that a fulness of happiness is achieved through the sealing ordinances of the temple.

I can learn to appreciate the time I have to work on myself, serve others, and prepare for my future as a single woman.

I can learn to help Heavenly Father to guide me on my path as I strive to do the right thing.

I can do all within my power to achieve my goal of being sealed to a worthy priesthood holder.

[Bini]

Be yourself. Don't put so much emphasis on finding love. Love the Lord, let Him guide you.

[Backroads]

Much wisdom has been said.

While I certainly don't want to be the one saying "marriage is evil" (being happily married myself), I also don't condone the idea of "you will only be fulfilled if you are married." Yes, marriage is a gospel principle, but we need to keep that in perspective with all the other principles and give all parts of righteous living their share.

My advice? Don't think about it needlessly. Don't hide yourself away, but be more than just a dating object. Have a life.

[beefche]

I think, though, as a caution, don't be one of those bitter people who whine about not being married, or that men are horrible, or whatever. Don't. Be. That. Person.

And remember, that marriage is divine and it should be your goal. While it may or may not be realized in this life, that doesn't mean you can yearn for it, pray for it, work for it, be prepared for it.

It's a balance of being happy with who you are and where you are in life, and wanting more.

Because, as a woman who was single and happy for a long time, marriage is so much better.

[SisterGraceLDS]

I'm turning 43 next month and have never married. Been an active, temple going member of the church for over 10 years.... I just live in an area where there are literally NO singles.

While I've always felt the Lord would take care of me in the next life, I didn't care I never got asked out.

Now, I've met someone and we are engaged.... but he has been married/sealed before.

I'm facing questions like- do I want to marry him in the temple at all? I don't want his ex wife in my marriage now or in the next life. And I don't share well. So wouldn't it be best just to not marry?

Or, could I get a civil marriage for companionship to someone who isn't a member, or a member who isn't temple worthy..... and just be companions?

I have older children and can't help but wonder why in the heck would I want to be sealed without my children?

So just know- trust in the Lord. It is HIS plan for you to not be alone; however, it could be meant to be that you walk this earth alone for you may just have the absolute bestest husband in the next life. One who you'll jump for joy you didn't settle for someone else during this life.

Hang in!

[BrendaM]

Sister, 28 is young. You have plenty of time.

After saying that...there is nothing wrong with your way of thinking. I'm a bit older, never married, but have an adult daughter. In a church where marriage and family are what it's all about, sometimes I feel alone. I enjoy being single, and have a good life over all. However, I long to be in a loving relationship, sealed to my eternal companion and have my daughter sealed to us.

It hasn't happened. Yet. I know though, that no promises from the Lord will be denied me.

I look forward to the day when that happens. But I don't pine and wait for it, or feel I'm any less a person because I'm a single woman in a family oriented church. Some people are insensitive to it, but ya know, I have big shoulders.

[Dove]

My first thought in reading you post? Don't be too hard on yourself~ It sounds like you've had some difficult things happen in your childhood. That you have issues spawning from your childhood is not your fault. Yes, they are your responsibility to address and for you to do your best to invite healing and to overcome them. But, again, they are not your fault....

As far as marriage goes; I would suggest that you not sweat over it too much, one way or the other. Do all you can to "be square" with God. Lose yourself in seeking and following His personal will for you~whatever that may be. Reach out, as much as you are able and willing to, in kindness to others. I guess what I'm trying to say is, lose yourself in the service of God and others (including taking care of yourself). Leave the marriage question in His hands. He will answer that in His own due time. It's up to you to make the best of the hand life has dealt you. Take responsibility for your happiness. I think of the saying; "If it's to be, it's up to me." Also, my sister in law gave me sage advice during those long years of being single. If I am not happy being single, I will not be happier being married. Happiness is a state of mind, not a marital status.

Best of wishes in your journey

Dove

[hyohko]

Here is a question - and not to derail too heavily from the OP - but what would be everyone's advice if the poster was Male instead of Female?

Would there be nearly as much sympathy and/or encouragement?

[Dove]

Here is a question - and not to derail too heavily from the OP - but what would be everyone's advice if the poster was Male instead of Female?

Would there be nearly as much sympathy and/or encouragement?

I hope we would.

What's sad is how much the women outnumber the men in church membership. I have heard statistics that, after a certain age, women outnumber the men three to one. And that the older we get, the worse it gets.

I do think there is more responsibility to be placed on the men to get married, as long as they are equipped to do so in various ways (financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally). I feel this way because they do have a much wider array of spouses to choose from then the women do. However, it is not mine to judge...So, yes, I hope I would be as kind to a man in her predicament as I have been to her.

Dove

[Gramajane]

happiest is happily married

second happiest is happily single

then there is unhappy single

most unhappy is unhappily married

is what I understand.

JUST married- does NOT mean happy!

I agree with you, that you have some issues that are holding you back from being most happy. I suggest you check out "The Work" on line, FREE self therapy by Byron Katie, with 4 questions and some turnarounds. They have videos to watch others work with the questions, and they even have a few FREE counselors to help you if you have problems working on yourself to remove your road blocks. It helped me with some of mine and opened up way more joy and appreciation in my life. God bless you!

[Guest]

Here is a question - and not to derail too heavily from the OP - but what would be everyone's advice if the poster was Male instead of Female?

Would there be nearly as much sympathy and/or encouragement?

I have an 88 year old great uncle who has never married, still a virgin, that I love to bits. He took care of my widowed grandmother and her 3 children during and after WWII when women couldn't find a decent job. He's one of my examples of Christ-like selfless service and love. The ultimate definition of Charity. I, somehow, could not imagine him being denied Celestial glory.

[OldOkie]

Well I am male, never married, 62 and probably never will be married. I have met many sisters over my 30 years of membership that I would like to marry, unfortunately they were already married. I have noted that while baptism washes away previous sins in the sight of The Lord, baptism does not wash away previous sins in the eyes of single LDS sisters. Many if not all of these sisters were looking for the never sinned return missionary soon to be stake president/general authority type.

The fact that I live in an area that singles move away from complicates finding a wife unless you want a 300 lb 85 year old widow. But then even when I went to live in Utah to meet a wife while still in my thirties, most if not all those sisters had no desire leaving Utah.

So I have considered not receiving eternal increase. I now accept the fact I will not be exalted.

[Vort]

Well I am male, never married, 62 and probably never will be married. I have met many sisters over my 30 years of membership that I would like to marry, unfortunately they were already married. I have noted that while baptism washes away previous sins in the sight of The Lord, baptism does not wash away previous sins in the eyes of single LDS sisters. Many if not all of these sisters were looking for the never sinned return missionary soon to be stake president/general authority type.

The fact that I live in an area that singles move away from complicates finding a wife unless you want a 300 lb 85 year old widow. But then even when I went to live in Utah to meet a wife while still in my thirties, most if not all those sisters had no desire leaving Utah.

So I have considered not receiving eternal increase. I now accept the fact I will not be exalted.

I do not believe God is a hidebound rulemaker, busily consulting his checklist to decide who gets the best treats.

[Davis27]

Mostly people don't like marriage because they face any mishap in their past life.But i think its not bad to being a married in this way you have a life partner to whom you can easily share what you want and also share other responsibilities that you can't share with other while you are single.

[prisonchaplain]

I remember saying to my father one day that I thought my older brother should get married. He replied, "Yeah...why should he be the only happy one?"

Seriously, though...there are a good many reasons why a person might not marry. The best is that God simply did not bring the right partner into his/her life. A few are called to the type of gospel work that requires full attention and dedication. Marriage would be a hinderance. Some struggle with same-sex attraction, and their best course might be a life of celibacy and dedication to church service. Some may have health issues that make marriage too difficult.

I'm not LDS, so cannot comment on the eternal results of such circumstances. From my Protestant perspective, I certainly agree with those who are saying God honors every life faithfully lived.