Expecting First Child


MichaelPAGuy
 Share

Recommended Posts

I've been thinking about this, too. We are expecting our first child...tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

I think that the best way to do it is by living that kind of life yourself and surrounding your children with good things. Good books, movies, music, service, the Church, good friends, etc.

Make home a place that can be refuge from the world and children will use it as such.

Those are ideas that I have had on the subject so far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This may seem like a weird or stupid question but ere goes anyways...My wife and I are expecting our first child in late March/early April...How do we raise our child with morals and values, or in the church when the world that will be surrounding her is becoming so immoral?

For your child, your home is her world. That is what will be surrounding her. It has specific boundaries and specific rules. Anything outside of those boundaries is a different world. A place where all different rules from all differing families collide.

The way a child grows, she has very limited boundaries in the early years. All these boundaries are controlled by you as her parent. Her world starts to expand as you extend her boundaries when you know she is ready to make the correct choices necessary as she is exposed to a bigger world. If you can't trust your child to rush out into the middle of traffic, for example, you wouldn't allow her to walk the road without you holding her hand - limiting her boundaries. Once she masters the correct decision-making needed to walk down the road, then you may expand her world to include walking down the road without you holding her hand.

Therefore, it is very important that your home (her nucleus) is solid and consistent with the values you wish to impart as soon as she is born. This will be her value system - the thing that she would compare everything against to be the foundation of her decision-making. It is important that this home be stable and safe for your child. So that, if she bites off more than she can chew, getting exposed to something she hasn't learned if it is right or wrong, she can always come back to that safe haven to stabilize before starting out again. And also, constant communication is key - where your child feels comfortable talking to you anytime she is faced with choices she is not sure about.

I'll give you a specific example to show what I mean. Ever since my children started speaking, I have instilled in them that words are very important. It is our main form of communication and people will know who you are from the words you utter. When they were babies and they would throw tantrums, I would remind them - please use words to express your feelings. They got older and the teaching expanded to - please use the correct words to express yourself. Then it went to - expand your vocabulary so that you will not have to go to the gutter for words. And when they started watching older-aged TV and/or Movie shows and started middle school (lots of kids use profanity in my son's middle school!), they already know profanity, derogatory language, etc. is bad regardless of how many times you hear somebody else use it. Our family values is this - their family values is that. You don't just throw away your values in exchage for another. Hopefully, when they go on their own, they'll retain those values... if not, they can make their own... but that's on their own head now.

I'll give you another example. My brother is Catholic. His family values state that sex before marriage is wrong and using artificial forms of contraception is immoral. My nephew was taught sex education in school where the teacher stated that sex is okay if you use condoms and such. He listened, learned, and rejected the teaching as something that is not for him - it's values lived outside of his world.

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Show them both sin, and the consequenses of sin. Don't lie about it - be honest. Don't try to manipulate them into reaching "the correct" conclusion, show them the truth and let their consiences and the spirit of Christ work within them.

It helps a lot if you understand these things yourself. If you understand the world your kids will find themselves in, the pressures on them, the options open to them, what kids are into - you'll be better at helping. Learn about the popular drugs, and what they do. Learn about sexting. Kids don't turn to gangs because they're bad kids, they turn to gangs because they are trying to fill a hole in themselves.

And for the love of pete, don't freak out when they mess up. Humans mess up - it's why we're here on earth. Your little angels will too. Now is the time to learn the difference between unconditional love and condoning bad behavior.

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My first is coming in March. I have worried about this, but I've also decided that while I will make no effort to shield her from the world (she needs to know what is out there and how to deal with it) I will make our home a place of refuge where she can see what is good and right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This may seem like a weird or stupid question but ere goes anyways...My wife and I are expecting our first child in late March/early April...How do we raise our child with morals and values, or in the church when the world that will be surrounding her is becoming so immoral?

I remember my first born, almost 12 years ago. I soon will have another priesthood holder in the house. :)

When our first son was born, I actually called up every person in our ward who had teenagers, and their teenagers had made good decisions. I asked them what they did, and why they felt their children had made good decisions.

I thought it was very interesting regarding a common thread:

All of the parents believed in firm and friendly discipline. I noticed each parent was active, and lived the gospel themselves.

All of them had regular family home evenings, and each of them prayed daily with their children.

One father, which I am grateful for, mentioned how he felt the reason why his oldest and him stopped getting along is because he tried to make him to "tough". The moment the son became old enough, and wanted to hold his hand, he would let it go and tell him to grow up.

His next son, he felt otherwise, and if his 14 year old wanted to hold his hand in a uncomfortable situation or circumstance he would allow the hand held. He shared how this greatly has helped with his relationship with his other 5 boys.

At times, my son to be 12 year old, will hold my hand in situations and I get the urge to let it go, and am quickly reminded of this father's words.

Remember, you can not accurately teach unless you are living the gospel and standards yourself.

Congrats! That is a wonderful time soon to come.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Be there for your child. Easy enough in the baby days when you need to be there to provide for their basic needs, but in the toddler days when they want to play with you, in the school days when they need someone to throw that baseball with... they'll learn you'll always be there with them.

Discipline with love, not because you're angry or frustrated, but because you want them to learn the difference between right and wrong. Be consistent in your punishment, and always say what you mean.

Be a good example. You can't honestly teach your child a lesson on the dangers of doing something when you are doing that exact same thing yourself. Don't even think they are not watching you and everything you do, they usually are.

Be accepting. Your child will be his own person, and may not live up to what you have in mind. Let them discover what their own strengths are & help them develop those strengths into talents.

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me...help me find the way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been thinking about this, too. We are expecting our first child...tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

I think that the best way to do it is by living that kind of life yourself and surrounding your children with good things. Good books, movies, music, service, the Church, good friends, etc.

Make home a place that can be refuge from the world and children will use it as such.

Those are ideas that I have had on the subject so far.

So are we lds.net aunts and uncles yet?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a 12 month old. I think about this all the time. Since there's no shielding her from the world, my husband and I will do our best to teach her the importance of kindness and tolerance, especially for those that are different from us. We also want her to know that she is loved and can approach us with anything, and that no matter what, she is a valued daughter of God. I believe a big part of rearing and steering our kids in the right direction is to show them unconditional love, be open to their questions (even the cringe worthy ones), listen to them, and emphasise on the blessings received from living the gospel. Yep, we all make mistakes but we don't have to be burdened by them forever, not in God's plan.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest SquidMom

My daughter is 12 and she has her first 'boyfriend.' His name is Blliy Joe and everyone calls him 'B.J.' She mentioned that people were calling him, (well, we all know what BJ can stand for), and that she thought it was funny. I had the unfortunate responsibilty of telling her what that was. Now she calls him 'Billy." I was proud that she made THAT decision on her own.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This may seem like a weird or stupid question but ere goes anyways...

I will confess that to me it does seem like a weird question.

My wife and I are expecting our first child in late March/early April...How do we raise our child with morals and values, or in the church when the world that will be surrounding her is becoming so immoral?

You and your wife are your baby's first influence, you and your wife will be your baby's whole world. Be a good example, practice what you preach. Look back at your own upbringing and keep the things your parents did that worked and that you agree with and ignore the ones that didn't work. You know right from wrong, so teach your children right from wrong. And of course don't forget to have a sense of humour. Laugh with your kids, don't take everything so seriously and have fun. Your children will be their own persons, they will not be a little versions of you or your wife. As they grow they will have their own thoughts, likes and dislikes, they will think for themselves; let them. But always be there to give them good advice.

M.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest SquidMom

Not yet. We are about to go on a long walk and see if that changes anything.

Don't want to sound icky, or anything, but if she's feeling up to it, sex can help to bring on labor, too. :eek:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another thought... look at what you can change in your lives for your child to emulate.

My husband is a ranch boy/army guy and is prone to swearing. He has decided as he really doesn't want his kids swearing, he is going to have cut it off himself.

Or wind up in a situation like my old BYU-Idaho roommate whose first word was the f-bomb due to her dad... who apparently never swore again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another thought... look at what you can change in your lives for your child to emulate.

My husband is a ranch boy/army guy and is prone to swearing. He has decided as he really doesn't want his kids swearing, he is going to have cut it off himself.

Or wind up in a situation like my old BYU-Idaho roommate whose first word was the f-bomb due to her dad... who apparently never swore again.

I can relate. I've always had a colourful vocabulary, though it has improved drastically in the last few years, and my husband having been in a rock band also had a bit of an explicit vocabulary. We try to consciously NOT drop f-bombs but s-bombs are still dropped, which is something that needs to stop too, especially since our daughter is starting to mimic and say simple words..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well # 3 is coming for us next year. The 1st one is exciting/scary/wondrous/nervous, etc. Not that the others aren't, but you kind of know what to expect. So for us it's now more about what kind of personality, focus, individuality that this one have vs. how we are going to raise 'em.

I would say to just take it easy and relax. There is a reason God made pregnancies 9 months and why it takes years for infants to become children. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are children raised in a day.

IMO the best thing one can do is to use the time God gives us to prepare wisely.

My personal belief is that raising children, while challenging, really isn't all that hard. The concepts are extremely simple. Because we are human and screw up, implementing those concepts can be difficult at times. I also believe that in many ways the art of parenting in today's US culture is for the most part completely lost. People have been raising kids for thousands of years and only in the past 50-60 years have we seen such a loss of parenting skills.

So use this time wisely, go out and purchase some good parenting books (no they don't have to be LDS books). For us, the first 2 years with my son was really rough (we just had no clue on parenting, even though my parents are phenomenal). My dad saw the problems and bought us 3 or 4 parenting books by John Rosemond. It completely turned our entire life around. It took a while to implement, but I look back from then to now and think wow the change and the journey are amazing.

ultimately IMO

- understand your goal . . . the goal is to eventually emancipate your child so they can live a healthy, spiritual, wonderful, independent life.

- communicate clearly, mean what you say

- be consistent!! kids are smart they can find the holes in what you say and do

- pick your battles . . . sometimes it just ain't worth it.

- have fun

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest SquidMom

Fellas, if your wife plans to breastfeed, it's so easy to want to bring the baby to bed with you at night. Don't do it! My daughter has just turned four, (our 3dr child,) and we're only just now getting her OUT of OUR bed! In the long run, it's not worth it! LOL.

But babies are so much fun. Just don't plan on sleeping for awhile, and try to get up at least once a night and bottle feed him/ her so your poor wife can sleep. She will appreciate it more than she can ever express! Oh, and change lots of diapers when you are home, especially the bad ones!

Enjoy parenthood!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fellas, if your wife plans to breastfeed, it's so easy to want to bring the baby to bed with you at night. Don't do it! My daughter has just turned four, (our 3dr child,) and we're only just now getting her OUT of OUR bed! In the long run, it's not worth it! LOL.

But babies are so much fun. Just don't plan on sleeping for awhile, and try to get up at least once a night and bottle feed him/ her so your poor wife can sleep. She will appreciate it more than she can ever express! Oh, and change lots of diapers when you are home, especially the bad ones!

Enjoy parenthood!

I agree with the BFing thing. We put a bed inside baby's nursery so I could get up in the night and nurse her on the bed. I co-sleep with her every night because she was soooo colicky.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its important to be honest with children. And she will learn by example. Teach her to pray. Have FHE. Teach her to recognize the Spirit. After that..... remember she has her agency too.

I think this is one of the hardest parts of parenthood...allowing our children to exercise their agency even when they use it to make mistakes.

I have three daughters and one on the way. Of the three currently here, two have fallen away from the Church while the youngest is VERY active. I worry about my older two, but they are adults and out of my house. We still talk about faith-based things from time to time, so I'm glad they are at least receptive to still talking about them and are not hostile to the Church, but I just keep praying that they come back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In my opinion, the most important thing parents can do for their children is very simple. Just love them. And make sure they know you love them. If children know they are loved, it will go a long way in overcoming parental mistakes. And be assured, as a parent you will make mistakes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't want to sound icky, or anything, but if she's feeling up to it, sex can help to bring on labor, too. :eek:

That is what the doctor said, too. It may or may not have worked.

We're in the hospital now in the sort of contraction limbo: strong enough to stay, but not quite there. Pretty exciting, but pretty slow.

Thank you everyone for all the suggestions. I didn't start the thread, but I've enjoyed reading the advice. It gives us lots to think about and to compare to what our parents did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share