Seeking advice for rape victim...

[Guest SquidMom]

A close female friend of mine just told me that she was raped about 3 yrs ago. She was the DD for some friends at a bar and drank only coke and root beer all night. Next thing she knows, her friends find her half naked on the bathroom floor, unconcious. Someone slipped her something and raped her. She reported it, but nothing ever came of it. While she has no conscious memory of the event itself, it has had a horrible effect on her sexual psyche. She said that with her ex husband, every time they had sex she felt like she was being raped again. They divorced for other reasons, but now she is remarried and is experiencing the problem again. The first few months with her new husband were great, but all of a sudden she can't stand to have sex with him. She feels violated all over again every time. She says that this only happens when she is with someone she really loves, not flings, or boyfriends, which she had between marriages. Her husband knows about the rape, but not that she is suddenly feeling this way about sex. She says she can fake it pretty good, and he doesn't know. I warned her that she should tell him right away. He's very in tune with peoples feelings and I wouldn't be surprised if he has noticed an emotional disconnect in the bedroom, he just hasn't said anything. I advised seeking out a rape counselor. She has never talked to a therapist about it.

I suggested that it could be stress bring out these feelings. She has 4 kids and so does he, but his kids have lots of mental/ emotional issues that she's not used to dealing with. She is very stressed out by them and worries that it may destroy their relationship if she can't figure out how to cope. He's a great guy and she loves him very much. It hurts me deeply to know that she is having so much trouble with this, as I care for her very much. (Okay, this woman is my big sister...)

I made sure she was okay with it before posting this here. Any insight as to why she is feeling this way, especially with a serious lover only, or any other advice, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, all!

[Guest]

Therapy therapy therapy.

As far as why she feels this way, I can only guess. But I'd say in the beginning the excitement of newness overrules those feelings. As she becomes more settled in and it takes more mental effort to be into it, as happens with women and especially mothers, those bad feelings take over.

Again, just a guess. And she should be in therapy, for the sake of herself and her marriage.

[Dravin]

Seems you've already given the best advice, seek out a therapist. I would add in addition to therapy she seek the healing power of the atonement.

[annewandering]

Seems you've already given the best advice, seek out a therapist. I would add in addition to therapy she seek the healing power of the atonement.

Please make sure she knows that the healing power of the atonement is not about repentance in her particular case.

And again therapy or at the very least a support group.

[Guest SquidMom]

. I would add in addition to therapy she seek the healing power of the atonement.

How do you mean, exactly? Please elaborate.

[Guest]

Both of you, having 4 children, married a man with 4 children? Wow, what are the odds?

[Dravin]

How do you mean, exactly? Please elaborate.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/to-heal-the-shattering-consequences-of-abuse?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1992/05/healing-the-tragic-scars-of-abuse?lang=eng

As far as how to lay claim to the atonement it is similar to how one does so when repenting (though as Anne points out she doesn't need to repent of anything for being raped). Seek healing in prayer and in the scriptures. A priesthood blessing would also be a good idea. Draw close to the Lord and ask and allow him to bring peace and solace into one's soul. When ever I think of the power of the atonement to heal and bring comfort I think of Alma 7:11-12:

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

The atonement is not just for sin.

Edited November 17, 2012 by Dravin

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I know this has already been suggested, but it is important. . .

Therapy, therapy, therapy

Although she does not consciously remember, her body remembers. A great book that explains this is:

The Body Remembers: The Psychology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment by Babette Rothchild

Another really helpful book is:

The Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis

I wish I could recommend an LDS book about seeking the healing powers of the Atonement in this situation. If there is one out there, I am not aware of it. I wish there were. (someday I'll write it when I figure it out).

As a sister, be aware that victims of sexual abuse almost always suffer from a feeling of shame. Logic may tell you it is not your fault, but the heart does not care about logic. Then when you search an LDS resource to find some help everything will mention forgiiveness, which in my experience and opinion, only increases the pain and shame...and further alienates the victim from God.

I realize that forgiveness haa it's place, but it is NOT, NOT, NOT the first step.

I think of it this way. When Lazurus died, Jesus came. What did he do? Did he offer plattitudes like we do? Did he say, "he's in a better place" or "it was God's will" or "have faith" or even "wait just a minute and it will be all better."

No, he didn't say any of those things. He wept with them.

That is powerful and I believe that is the message we need to give to victims of sexual abuse/rape....The Savior loves you and He is sorry this happened to you.

We could also remind victiims how the Savior overturned tables when the temple was violated, how must He feel when our bodies/temples are violated.

Before victims can even begin to think about forgiveness (dont rush them Sis. Okazaki says it can take 15 years and that is ok), they need to feel validated.

So I think the first step to experiencing the healing power of the Atonement is to put forgiveness aside, and focus on the Saviors LOVE.

But also keep in mind that when we have an illness, say cancer, we are counseled to seek medical attention...we do not attempt to pray away cancer, and we can not pray away the damage that comes from being sexually abused. Therapy is essential.

She should definately talk to her husband. In order to ever feel comfortable being intimate with him will require trust, and that can only come through communication. If they discuss it openly, they may discover that something are more triggering for her than others, and can avoid those things.

Once again, therapy.

ETA: Here's the link to the amazing talk by Sis. Cheiko Okazaki Healing from Sexual Abuse

Chieko Okazaki's "Healing from Sexual Abuse" | The Exponent

Edited November 17, 2012 by LiterateParakeet

[Wingnut]

Sounds like she's experiencing PTSD, and that it flares up every time she has sex with her husband. That being the case, she should not be faking it to get it over with. She needs to talk with her husband and tell him what she's experiencing, because she can't heal while she is reliving trauma.

[NeuroTypical]

Everyone here seems to be suggesting different things to help her alleviate the symptoms or remove the problems or close the wounds or whatever. As in, she'll finally have peace if she just goes through enough therapy, or prays hard enough, or commiserates with her husband enough. As the husband of someone with a similar experience in her distant past, I submit the following for consideration:

Sometimes broken legs heal and leave someone with a permanent limp. Sometimes you lose an eye and just live the rest of life without depth perception. Sometimes some people take such a beating or damage in a car crash or something, that they are in a wheelchair for the rest of their life.

Here is the wisdom this lady needs: To discern between the symptoms she can treat, and the changes to who she is. To tell the difference between a scar that will fade over time, and a severed nerve that will never grow back.

This wisdom is needed, so she'll know where to focus her attention on therapy and prayer, and where to just shoulder the burden as best she can. And she'll also need the wisdom to be able to not be impacted by the well-meaning folks in her life who tell her she just needs more of X in order to feel peace.

Here are two things that help the stuff that she'll just bear for this life:

* A few friends who have had similar events in their lives. The concept is "group thereapy". We discovered it during the Vietnam war - put a bunch of vets with PTSD in a room, and they do good for each other than therapy and medication could ever do.

* A husband who is willing and able to accept some fairly radical changes in his wife. Assuming she hasn't resolved this stuff, she will be a different person by the time she does.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

LoudMouth, as a survivor myself, I agree that there are no easy answers here, nothing that will put things back to the way they were. I just want to clarify, that I need to have some hope that things will get better...

I find strength in the Stockdale Paradox. Admiral Stockdale was a POW in Vietnam. His philosophy of how he survived is inspiring to me. (this is from Wikipedia, but it works )

In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that's easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[12]

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

[Irishcolleen]

The advice to get counseling for PTSD is right on. I would also suggest that her husband go to counseling as the intimacy issues will effect him, too. A therapist can help him learn ways to help her heal while making him feel secure while all the intimacy issues are being worked out.

[Guest SquidMom]

Thanks, all, for the helpful posts. I've told my sister to have a look at it all......

[All_Apologies]

As a child, I was molested by my brother. It was so devastating and I was so angry. But the Atonement can heal us from everything. Everything. He suffered for our sins and our sorrows. He knows. He has been there. How can we let the Atonement heal us?

For me, I've found healing in service. I heard that service to others can heal us, and I've found it to work. Service helps us to become reconciled with God. At-one-ment. It helps us let Him into our hearts. We are His hands and feet upon the earth. When we were baptized, we covenanted to take upon us His name and to do the things He did. For me, I feel this means doing what I read in Mosiah 4:26--I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants.

[funshyne328]

My personal favorite part about the Atonement is that it is not just about being able to repent for your sins (though that is incredibly important) its about having someone that knows how you feel, has been through the pain, and, unlike anyone else, can truly say "I know how you're feeling". Jesus Christ is our big brother and will always be there for you, no matter what.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I still think therapy is important, but as an addition to therapy, perhaps this book would be helpful....I have not read it, but it got good reviews on amazon.

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide For Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz