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hmcd

Active Wife, inactive and unsure husband, baby on the way! Advice?

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So basically when I was about.. oh.. 3-4 months pregnant, married about a year and half my husband talked to me about how he had never really gotten an answer about the church being true, which lead to doubts about the existence of God, he doesn't disbelieve, but he also doesn't "know" As a hormonal, pregnant woman, this hit me pretty hard. He has been raised in the Church, although his parents were only members shortly before his birth. He served a full time mission, we got married in the temple. It was all really overwhelming. I love my husband so much, and the only thing that would cause me to leave him is if he broke his covenants to me, which he hasn't. Leaving has never been, nor will be the option unless that happens. He wants to raise our children in the Church, which is a good thing, and he is still looking for answers and reading support groups for men struggling with the same issue. I'm very thankful he is at least still putting effort into it and not just giving up.

I am just looking for support from other people who have dealt with this situation. What have you done to help your spouse? What things did not work or caused controversy? How have you been able to deal with the situation and feel OK with everything happening? Please share your story if you are alright with it and help me figure out this difficult road.

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Hopefully those support groups he's reading are really supportive and not one of the many anti groups out there that will just push him away further.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I have not had that experience, so I will keep this short. :)

Has he seen FAIR I have been spending a lot of time there recently and found it really helpful.

I have also found meeting with my Bishop regularly and discussing my concerns helpful. John Bytheway counseled the youth, "Instead of questioning your faith, question your doubts."

For you: unconditional love. Make sure that he knows that you will love him no matter what happens.

Pray. As a pregnant woman, you can't fast, obviously, but when I was pregnant I did what I called a "modified" fast. I would eat a very plain breakfaat and lunch....toast with no butter ;), the key being sacrificing something while still nourishing your baby. Even modified fasting can be powerful in my experience.

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Doubt your doubts.

"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in." - Secondhand Lions (2003)

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Thank you so much for the advice so far, it has been helpful! My husband isn't ready to meet with the Bishop, but the Bishop is aware of the situation and often asks how things are.

@Pam they are very supportive groups. They are for men who feel they have not received answers to these questions and ideas on how to hear the answers and ask for them.

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It always seems peculiar to me when a person serves a full time mission then claims not to know of the existence of God. If that is the case, he should have spent those 2 years doing something more productive, like obtaining a testimony in the first place.

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Yeah, 'should have'ing seems pretty easy right now, but the question is what to do with things as they stand now.

Hmcd, you say he came to you? Well, deciding to be honest with one's wife about something so important, would seem to indicate that honesty is important to him. Not sure if there's anything behind the timing of the issue, but it's good that he finally told you. Another husband might have decided just to live a lie in order to keep you from hurt. Since you have a little leeway in how to react here, I'd say kudos to him for being honest with you and trusting you with the info.

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It always seems peculiar to me when a person serves a full time mission then claims not to know of the existence of God. If that is the case, he should have spent those 2 years doing something more productive, like obtaining a testimony in the first place.

It is good to hear a voice of reason that perhaps people should be making decisions for missions based upon their individual circumstances and not based on social pressures or expectations. I hope you are as vocal when counseling the YM and YW that come to you for advice.

-RM

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This is how I would approach this problem... (I understand you are at a hormonal stage and may find it difficult to control your emotions):

I would treat this like your husband is sick. He knows something is wrong, he knows he needs to get better, he just doesn't quite know what's wrong and how to get better. My role here would be to offer support, offer kind advice when necessary, and just allow him to heal himself. So that he can heal, you will have to be the strong one - the one clinging with all your heart, mind, and strength to the iron rod for the both of you. He will follow your example when he realizes the fulfillment of God's promises to you for keeping your covenants. Love him.

I was devout Catholic when I married my LDS husband. My husband felt temple blessings are important in his life, but he had faith that because I am always diligently searching for truth, that I will find it. If not in this life, then in the next.

What you can tell yourself and your husband right now is this - It's okay to be confused. It's okay to go back to the basics. It's okay to lose your testimony. What is not okay is to stop searching for the truth, to stop asking God to show you the way, to stop listening for the voice of the Holy Spirit...

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@Loudmouth_Mormon: Yes he did come to me. And I respect him completely for that and am grateful he did, although it hurts. I know that it's better he tells me these things. We talked last night, it didn't go well. He has decided that the Church is hiding things and lying and now is pretty positive that it isn't true. I pray we can work something out. He won't pray or read scriptures with me because he says it makes him feel "sick". I'm kind of at a loss again. I keep praying and doing what I need to do.

@garyw: I agree with you, but that isn't what happened. Can't change the past, so I'd appreciate if you are going to comment to make it helpful, not telling me what he should have done in the past. As I said before, that can't be changed and I need help for the now. I say that with all due respect, and hope you take no offense to it. But telling me what he should have done really doesn't help my situation. Or make me feel any better.....

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@anatess: Thanks so much for that. I'm going to continue to try and do that, it's really hard right now. If I think about it too much I get into this rut. Hormones make me cry, a lot... Which in turn makes him feel like he isn't being a good husband and that I deserve better. He says he doesn't want to "waste my life" which hurts me even more and then I cry more. Never ending cycle. As much as I try to show him that I love him, I know when I cry it hurts him which is the last thing I want to do. Hormones make it harder to close the floodgates....

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I investigated the Church for over a year, praying pretty much daily to know if it was true.

It was not until I changed my prayer from "is it true?" to "I'll do what you want me to do, just let me know" that I finally got my answer. Perhaps that's what your husband needs to do.

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One more thing - get back to basics; daily prayer, daily scripture study, weekly FHE, attend all meetings.

If you don't know what to do for FHE - watch conference talks (online or DVD's)

If you don't use it you lose it -- this is true of a testimony too.

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@mnn727: I do all that, but he won't do it with me, says it makes him sick to his stomach :-/ Even if he wanted to go to church right now he can't because of his work schedule. He is a tour pilot and has only been with the company a year and the list for getting Sunday's off is long. He prayed with me for a week or so after he told me for the first time. Back then he was still very open to getting answers, but something changed.. Now he just doesn't want to. I'm hoping that if I keep living my life the way I know I should he will see what it does for me and want to have that too.

What hurts me the most is he sees how much this upsets me, how hurt I am and that isn't any kind of sign to him that it could be true. I think he sees me as some brainwashed naive woman. Which is the opposite, I went through my own trials and struggles and even stopped going to church for a while, but I felt what was missing and came back.

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What hurts me the most is he sees how much this upsets me, how hurt I am and that isn't any kind of sign to him that it could be true. I think he sees me as some brainwashed naive woman. Which is the opposite, I went through my own trials and struggles and even stopped going to church for a while, but I felt what was missing and came back.

This is what concerns me even more than his loss of faith. This kind of attitude toward you, if legitimate, will be damaging to your marriage.

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@mnn727: I do all that, but he won't do it with me, says it makes him sick to his stomach :-/ Even if he wanted to go to church right now he can't because of his work schedule. He is a tour pilot and has only been with the company a year and the list for getting Sunday's off is long. He prayed with me for a week or so after he told me for the first time. Back then he was still very open to getting answers, but something changed.. Now he just doesn't want to. I'm hoping that if I keep living my life the way I know I should he will see what it does for me and want to have that too.

What hurts me the most is he sees how much this upsets me, how hurt I am and that isn't any kind of sign to him that it could be true. I think he sees me as some brainwashed naive woman. Which is the opposite, I went through my own trials and struggles and even stopped going to church for a while, but I felt what was missing and came back.

Bear your testimony to him during quiet times. Often. Not to bludgeon him on the head with it. But just to make him understand that you've been through struggles of faith and how you gained a testimony through it. All gentle and kind and loving...

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Bear your testimony to him during quiet times. Often. Not to bludgeon him on the head with it. But just to make him understand that you've been through struggles of faith and how you gained a testimony through it. All gentle and kind and loving...

I love Anatess, and respect their opinion highly...but can I caution you on this. It can work...and it can also backfire. Many times in this situation individuals are looking for evidences, facts, and proofs more than feelings. What you testimony tells someone in that circumstance is that YOU believe it is true, but not why they should. I'm not telling you not to do what Anatess suggests, but just to carefully consider it. You know the individual in this situation much better than we do. From my experience this is about a 50-50 pick 'em as to whether it helps or hinders.

-RM

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I am in the same situation but I am the guy that is having a faith crisis and my wife is you. What I can tell you is that it is very painful to lose your faith. It happens in all religions to all types of people. It is a real loss and he is going through the stages of grieving. You are also grieving for a real loss. I really appreciated when my wife would support me through this loss. I did not want testimony bearing what I wanted was a shoulder to cry on. I try to provide the same support for her. I still don't want testimony bearing but I have grown to appreciate spiritual experiences such as walks in nature and looking at the stars.

I don't know his situation but I can tell you that I was not offended and I am not involved in any major sin. What caused it to happen? I don't know but I think for me it was a natural extension of who I am. I question things, I use my logic and science side of my brain etc. Maybe he is the same way and maybe not.

I believe it is possible to make your marriage work. There are many people who do. I would show love and respect and make it clear you expect the same from him. We made new rules in our marriage about what was and what was not OK in our relationship. We thought about what the deal breakers were for both of us and we set up a plan. He may come back to church activity and he may not. It sounds like him being inactive is not a deal breaker for you. That is good. What sites does he visit? Feel free to PM me if you want more info.

I hope this was helpful. God bless!

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I am in the same situation but I am the guy that is having a faith crisis and my wife is you. What I can tell you is that it is very painful to lose your faith. It happens in all religions to all types of people. It is a real loss and he is going through the stages of grieving. You are also grieving for a real loss. I really appreciated when my wife would support me through this loss. I did not want testimony bearing what I wanted was a shoulder to cry on. I try to provide the same support for her. I still don't want testimony bearing but I have grown to appreciate spiritual experiences such as walks in nature and looking at the stars.

I don't know his situation but I can tell you that I was not offended and I am not involved in any major sin. What caused it to happen? I don't know but I think for me it was a natural extension of who I am. I question things, I use my logic and science side of my brain etc. Maybe he is the same way and maybe not.

I believe it is possible to make your marriage work. There are many people who do. I would show love and respect and make it clear you expect the same from him. We made new rules in our marriage about what was and what was not OK in our relationship. We thought about what the deal breakers were for both of us and we set up a plan. He may come back to church activity and he may not. It sounds like him being inactive is not a deal breaker for you. That is good. What sites does he visit? Feel free to PM me if you want more info.

I hope this was helpful. God bless!

Been there, Done that, have the T-shirt...and the scars. Brian's advice is spot on.

-RM

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I thought Moroni's promise says to ask if it is not true.

I don't think it is a coincidence that this is happening at the same time that you are bringing a child into the relationship.

You can't convert him. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink, but you can let him know how great the water is. At some point he is going to get thirsty, when he does try not to say, "I told you so" too much. Can't wait till that baby is born and he is going to want to do the naming blessing.

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