It's tough being a boy.


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Now that you're in here, just to clarify, this isn't about which gender has it more difficult in life. I think everyone, as individuals, have their own set of challenges to overcome. What I wanted to discuss is some of the expectations that boys, specifically teenagers, are held to. You needn't be a parent with boys, or even a parent, to contribute :)

The other day was our date night. We had dinner, went to a movie, and then grabbed some ice-cream. At each stop, we noticed young couples, that we suspect were in their teens. There were a couple times where I saw the boy pull out his wallet and foot the bill. I looked at my husband and said something along the lines of: it'll be nice when our daughter meets a young man that will take her out and be a gentleman. Then it hit me.. Assuming a boy of about 16 is already being a gentleman (opening doors, pulling out a chair for his date, minding himself, etc.), at what point is he to incorporate footing the bill? Regardless, of whether the girl offers on occasion or even frequently, initially it is expected that the male pay for the date. How young do we expect our boys to start this? Is 16 about right? Is 18 too late? Keeping in mind that at high school age, most kids don't have much to their name, dollar wise. It seems that footing the bill can be a lot of pressure on a teenage boy, and yet, women (not all) tend to expect men to do this when dating. If I'm to be honest, I never offered to pay a bill when out on dates, the guy always did and I figured that's just the way it's supposed to be. To this day, my husband pays for everything when we're out and about. It's really a non-issue for us but still.. He learned this mindset somewhere, at some point, and it was probably in his teens when he started dating as a young man.

Thoughts?

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I don't think there's an "appropriate age" for the male to begin covering the cost of dating - it's just the way the game is played, from the time you begin dating until the day you say "I do" (or, for Mormons, "yes").

As a male teenager, I budgeted for my (admittedly rare) dates just as I did any other expense I had at that time, and subsidized it through part-time work.

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I don't think there's an "appropriate age" for the male to begin covering the cost of dating - it's just the way the game is played, from the time you begin dating until the day you say "I do" (or, for Mormons, "yes").

The why things are that way isn't that hard to understand either considering the historical role of men as providers. Historically if you couldn't provide you didn't get married, I suppose it just shifted from having your own shop or farm (or a reliable one to work in) to being able to pay for dinner. After all, if you can't afford the courtship process you probably can't afford a family.

Edited by Dravin
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I find it very gentlemanly. I recall having friends-who-were boys who would foot the bill despite the lack of the dating situation just because it was what gentleman did.

Frankly, I think that if the boy is taking the girl out, he should be taking her to an activity he knows he can afford. And girls should be modest on these dates--not just clothingwise, but not expecting Boy to blow his meager teenage earnings on her.

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I find it very gentlemanly. I recall having friends-who-were boys who would foot the bill despite the lack of the dating situation just because it was what gentleman did.

Frankly, I think that if the boy is taking the girl out, he should be taking her to an activity he knows he can afford. And girls should be modest on these dates--not just clothingwise, but not expecting Boy to blow his meager teenage earnings on her.

Yes, the woman not ordering the surf and turf with extra lobster on the first date is the etiquette flip side to the man paying.

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My 12-year old told me something that resonates with this thread. When a 12-year old boy comes home and says, "Dad, there's this girl that likes me and..." the dad pats the boy on the shoulders and says, "You're a chip off the old block." When the 12-year girl comes home and says, "Dad, there's this boy that likes me and . . . " --OUT COMES THE SHOT GUN!

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As for the money part, I remember hearing the funny tale of a boy who finally got the girl to go out with him. So, he splurges, taking her to the K-mart cafeteria. When he opens the menu and peruses the prices, he closes the menu and quickly says, "I'll JUST have the grilled cheese sandwich. What will you JUST have?"

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OK, bear with me here - I was in college during the early days of the feminist movement. While I have never been rabid about it, I'm not going to deny that I have some feminist leanings.

When men made all the money, it made sense for them to pay for the women. When a person (male or female) asks another out for a date, that person should be willing to pay. I don't see any reason why a man should pay all of the time. I am OK with the guy paying on the first date, if asked the girl out.

If dating goes on for awhile, they should do things that either both can afford or that they are willing to do. For example, if one is working and the other is in college or grad school, maybe the one who isn't working makes homemade meals or uses a coupon (and the other one doesn't complain, either) for a restaurant, or they go on cheap dates.

While I understand the cultural forces that pressure a man to pay for the dates, there are few things more disgusting than a gold digger. If a woman isn't willing to do something for the guy, within her means, then she's not worth continuing to date.

Take a look at 'Princess' on CNBC on Saturdays - vile women users who think men owe them a living. Feminism isn't just about equal rights for women, it's about equality across the board. You don't get to treat a man as a bank account just because he's a man.

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