We don't feel comfortable in our new ward

[MormonMama]

I could use some advice. We moved to a new ward in a new area of our city back in June. Changing wards is always hard and we've had to make the adjustment before, but this time things are a bit different.

We've always been in areas with huge wards and a very active population. But now we are in a tiny ward (the ENTIRE Senior Primary is the size of the Sunbeam class DH and I used to teach!) and there seems to be a lot of drama and disinterest in the ward in general.

DD's MIA Maid group has just a few girls, many of whom don't go to activities (her Beehive class had 3 girls, including her). Sometimes it will literally be DD and one or two other girls there and she has said she feels very weird, uncomfortable and sad about it and doesn't want to go to YW anymore. This is coming from a girl who has always been the spiritual anchor of our family, who has always LOVED going to church and would go sick if we'd let her, even when we were new in a ward in the past and she didn't know anyone. I've tried to get her to look at it from the viewpoint of them needing her there to be a good example to others and I know she understands that, but she just doesn't enjoy going like she used to and says she feels very uncomfortable.

A few months ago I was called to be the Second Counselor in the ward Primary. In the time since I have witnessed the rudest, most disrespectful Senior Primary kids I've ever experienced, kids who just flat-out refuse to listen to the teachers, get out of their chairs and wander around the Primary room, refuse to sing or sing nonsense lyrics as loudly as they can, etc. Bringing parents doesn't help, it just makes the kids even more surly. The teachers just sit there. Sometimes they will tell the kids to stop, but not with any real effort and if they kids don't listen the teachers just give up. But most of the time they just ignore the kids altogether.

So small wonder that Primary teachers just refuse to show up a lot of days. One Sunday we had to find subs for almost every teacher. That was the day our Primary Secretary walked out in the middle of Primary, told the Bishop she was quitting and went home!

I was just released last week because of my high-risk pregnancy and I can't tell you what a relief it was!

DH was called to be a Cub Scout leader, but in spite of repeated attempts to contact whoever he's supposed to be in touch with, he can never get a call back to find out what he is supposed to do. He was called over 2 months ago and has never been to a meeting or anything. He's feeling rather abandoned and hasn't felt like going to church now in over a month. He works overnights on Saturdays (meaning 8pm to 4am), so it's hard enough for him to get out of bed to go to church with only 4 hours of sleep and this type of thing just gives him even less incentive.

I'm finding it VERY hard to feel the spirit when I'm at church because of all this. We don't even know who our home or visiting teachers are. I've never been assigned as a teacher. DH was, but could never get in touch with his companion and gave up after a few months. He doesn't feel comfortable doing that kind of thing alone, especially in a ward where he knows almost no one.

This is in NO WAY a criticism of the Church itself. We still believe 100% in the Church, but we are really getting a taste right now of the adage "The Church is perfect but the people aren't." And we know we are responsible for reaching out, but we feel like we've already done quite a bit of that and no one else is interested.

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? I'm especially concerned with helping our 14-year-old daughter love going to church and youth activities again. She's at such a tender point in her life and I'd hate to see her lose interest in the Church at a time when she probably needs the influence the most.

[annewandering]

I have been in two wards just like that. They were dissolved. I have no idea why they were like that. You might be able to help get it straight but it takes a toll. Perhaps you can pick up the spiritual strength with the family?

I am sorry to not be more positive. Perhaps the ward will get straight but right now you are right to be most concerned with your family. Perhaps you have seen others in the ward who seem disturbed about it as well? Maybe you could befriend them and help each other stay strong? In the end it really is up to your family to pull together and get the strength you expected from church, from each other. Yes I am sure you already do but stronger family bonds might be the best thing to concentrate on?

Wishing you well because it is not something any of us want to have to deal with.

Edited December 2, 2012 by annewandering

[Guest]

Well, I'm a big believer in focusing on what you can do instead of hoping other people change.

Go in the attitude of worshiping and renewing your covenants, be friendly, and don't worry about it. If you have a bad ward, give it time. It will change. If you have a great ward, give it time. It will change.

Here's a video I like:

This lesson I skimmed over today seems relevant, too:

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: George Albert Smith Chapter 21: The Power of Kindness

[skippy740]

A few months ago I was called to be the Second Counselor in the ward Primary. In the time since I have witnessed the rudest, most disrespectful Senior Primary kids I've ever experienced, kids who just flat-out refuse to listen to the teachers, get out of their chairs and wander around the Primary room, refuse to sing or sing nonsense lyrics as loudly as they can, etc. Bringing parents doesn't help, it just makes the kids even more surly. The teachers just sit there. Sometimes they will tell the kids to stop, but not with any real effort and if they kids don't listen the teachers just give up. But most of the time they just ignore the kids altogether.

So small wonder that Primary teachers just refuse to show up a lot of days. One Sunday we had to find subs for almost every teacher. That was the day our Primary Secretary walked out in the middle of Primary, told the Bishop she was quitting and went home!

I was just released last week because of my high-risk pregnancy and I can't tell you what a relief it was!

DH was called to be a Cub Scout leader, but in spite of repeated attempts to contact whoever he's supposed to be in touch with, he can never get a call back to find out what he is supposed to do. He was called over 2 months ago and has never been to a meeting or anything. He's feeling rather abandoned and hasn't felt like going to church now in over a month. He works overnights on Saturdays (meaning 8pm to 4am), so it's hard enough for him to get out of bed to go to church with only 4 hours of sleep and this type of thing just gives him even less incentive.

[...]

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? I'm especially concerned with helping our 14-year-old daughter love going to church and youth activities again. She's at such a tender point in her life and I'd hate to see her lose interest in the Church at a time when she probably needs the influence the most.

I sense a great opportunity for you, the ward and your children. The problem is... this opportunity is going to be a lot of hard work.

Cub Scouts, while it is a BSA program, it is organized through each ward. A member of the Bishopric is the Chartered Representative and a member of the primary presidency is also involved in the pack committee... or should be.

From what I can tell, this ward NEEDS good members, like yourselves. They need members who can take a "not-so-great" situation and be pro-active in helping to turn it around.

Your daughter needs the influence of the spirit... yes. But she also needs to learn how to cope with difficult situations. Fleeing from it will send the wrong message - even if it's for "the best intentions".

My first recommendation: You or your husband should call the primary president. Ask how you can help HER. I know you were recently released from the presidency, but I'm sure that she needs more help right now.

My 2nd idea: Perhaps as a Den Leader, your husband can make a great primary teacher as well... and help bring a male presence of authority into primary. For some reason, men really help to bring authority and presence into primary. It's a good influence on children.

If the Primary President doesn't know enough about the Cub Scout program, talk to the chartered representative in the Bishopric for a list of everyone called to the Cub Scout program. Then call them up. You need to be attending Pack Committee meetings - ideally once a month. So should other den leaders, your cubmaster, pack committee chair and a member from the Primary Presidency.

If the Chartered Representative doesn't have the information, then THEY should find it and get it for you.

Your local district should be hosting a "roundtable" at least once a month. I would encourage attending and networking with other cub scout leaders.

Basically, life has handed you a "lemon ward". Time to make lemonade and lead by example for your daughter. You are one of the strong ones, and now it's time to go to work.

We're here for you! :)

[Daybreak79]

There was a branch on my mission where things felt so toxic within the branch that my companion and I both had the distinct impression that we needed to focus on strengthening the branch and ending the toxic issues within the branch before we could bring investigators to Sunday meetings. After about 6 months the branch members were finally playing nicely with each other and supporting each other. Then about 3 months later the branch had its first convert baptism in years. Sometimes a ward / branch needs people to move into its boundaries and help with a "little house cleaning."

If you can see if you can get the missionaries involved in visiting ward members (especially those in leadership callings) and have them share messages about working together and coming together as a family ward. It was during these visits we learned about some of the toxic issues and then were able to visit with those involved and share relevant messages to help facilitate the healing.

Edited December 3, 2012 by Daybreak79

[pam]

There was a branch on mission where things felt so toxic within the branch that my companion and I both had the distinct impression that we needed to focus on strengthening the branch and ending the toxic issues within the branch before we could bring investigators to Sunday meetings. After about 6 months the branch members were finally playing nicely with each other and supporting each other. Then about 3 months later the branch had its first convert baptism in years. Sometimes a ward / branch needs people to move into its boundaries and help with a "little house cleaning."

If you can see if you can get the missionaries involved in visiting ward members (especially those in leadership callings) and have them share messages about working together and coming together as a family ward. It was during these visits we learned about some of the toxic issues and then were able to visit with those involved and share relevant messages to help facilitate the healing.

What was one of the talks from last general conference? If you are having a problem: Ask the missionaries! :)

[Finrock]

Good afternoon Mormonmama! I hope you are having a better day today. :)

Your ward sounds a lot like how my ward use to be and in many respects it still is. I love my ward and the members.

For me it was a matter of learning to look past other's weaknesses and mistakes. Sometimes this means you have to put up with people who are just blatantly ignoring their duties.

For me, it also meant that I had to learn to love doing extra work. For instance, I use to frown about the fact that sacrament was not ready a few minutes before sacrament meeting. I would wonder why somebody didn't do their job. Well, one day I realized, why can't I just get it ready? So, I did. I didn't ask, I just got to work. I've found this attitude works wonders. Don't ask what you can do, do what you can do. Even if its just you, I know you will be blessed. And, over time, people began to help out and now we hardly ever worry about the sacrament.

Home teaching and visiting teaching is still horrible in my ward. I haven't had HT's in years. My secret to dealing with this has been to simply not worry about it. I do my HT teaching the best I can and I'm happy with that.

For me, the solution for living in a ward where not everything is functioning as it should has been to let the flaws slide off my back and to stay focused on doing the right thing no matter what. I try to make sure that I am doing everything I can to make things better. Little by little, things have gotten better and we are slowly beginning to make important changes in the ward.

Regards,

Finrock

[mnn727]

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

Yes, we have lived in a toxic ward, we tried, we really did, but frankly after 1+ years there I was close to going inactive, we ended up selling our house, luckily we did so at a profit (but at that point loosing a little would have been ok) and moved to a different Stake in the area.

It did really affect us though.

Its easier being on the outside and saying what you need to do, but when you are actually in that situation its terrible - it really is toxic and if you don't watch out it can poison you and the effects can last past that time. Wish I had other suggestions - I don't

Edited December 3, 2012 by mnn727

[BrendaM]

This is tough, I know. Being a single mom with a just baptized daughter, we moved into a new ward. I had just returned to church after being less active for many years. Fast forward, my daughter is now a less active young adult (could it have been the toxic teens in the ward at the time? I think it absolutely contributed to it). Help guide your daughter during this time. Help her choose her friends outside of church wisely.

I haven't had HT or VT on and off for the past 12 years. However, I push on. There is no way that a group of people will have influence over me where I will not attend church. My Bishop is a good man. His counselors too. I go each Sunday, I attend social functions (by myself) and try to socialize where I feel I might be included (as opposed to being stared at). I will go and do.

Sorry, no helpful answers maybe. But go to church. For you and your family. At least you have each other to buoy yourselves up.

[RMGuy]

Is there another ward close by that you could attend instead?

-RM

[MormonMama]

Thanks for all the suggestions and sympathies everyone. I really appreciate it.

It's not that the people in the ward are "toxic" (DD has made at least one friend), it's just that no one seems to want to be very involved. People are very friendly and we were welcomed very warmly, but outside of actual church meetings (and even in them, to some point), no one seems to want to put in an effort.

It doesn't help that DH is already pretty much inactive. He'll go to church if I go, but he sleeps during the meetings (to be fair, he works overnights on Saturdays and every other Saturday he also works all morning, so he's usually absolutely exhausted by Sunday). But if I don't go to church he just won't go and even when we do go he complains about it (he was like this in our old ward, too). I know he'd go inactive in a heartbeat if I quit going, so he won't be putting in any extra effort either.

That leaves me, at 7 months pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy, to try and keep my daughter's and my own interest myself. The thought of not only attending to my own spiritual needs and hers by myself is exhausting (DH NEVER plans or leads a FHE, prayer or scripture study, it's all on me; if something were to happen to me that would be the end of the church in our house), but to take up the slack for other ward members? I'm not sure I'm up to that right now.

[Outshined]

I can sympathize; our new ward hs not been working out for us either. I moved last year and bought a house earlier this year; I commuted home on the wekends to be with the family while I fixed our new house. I found the new ward and was greeted with complete apathy. No one has ever come to the house, called the house, nothing beyond two visits from the missionaries (great guys).

I had no help from ward members at all working on the house or moving, and they barely speak to us at Sacrament. After seven months in the ward, my family is still treated like visitors, and not visitors you're happy to see. It's to the point that we only go to Sacrament meeting now; starting to feel like a technicality. But we still go.

[Dove]

Hello, MormonMama;

I feel bad that you are having such a difficult time in your new ward. It hurts to read of the situation you are in. Especially what your daughter is experiencing at a pivotal age.

I don't/can't have kids~Just please know I'm giving you the best advice I know to give, realizing I'm not a parent. But, I have been in a few wards I've had a difficult time in. Here are some of my thoughts...

Do your best in contributing to making the ward a better place. Whatever that means, given your high risk pregnancy, do what you can and be at peace with that. Even if that just means you going to church with all in your family who will go. My husband is a nondenominational Christian. I've learned a lot about not pressuring him to accept my LDS convictions, no matter how dear they are to me. To accept his agency and love him regardless of his religious beliefs. I realize that communicating my testimony to him means being an example of the pure love of Christ to him and doing my best to be true to my own covenants.

Anyway, realize that there is probably a lot in this situation that you have no control over and that it's not your fault for it being the way it is. Do your best and leave the rest to God.

Focus on strengthening your family in the gospel at this time. if your daughter is really struggling with YW"s, have you thought of bringing her with you to other church activities for women/the ward? Or maybe now is the time to focus on building her testimony of the gospel through family prayer/scripture study...Be an example to her and love her~Do all you can to help her build her own personal testimony. Maybe seminary. Pray as to what to do and believe that answers will be given.

Stay strong yourself. Take care of yourself and your testimony as well.

I wouldn't suggest seeking another ward...As far as I know, that is quite discouraged in our church. I couldn't even bring it up to my Stake Pres. when I wanted to.

Remember what you go to church for.....For me it is about being obedient to the promptings of the Spirit bidding me to go. I was about to check out fully out of the ward I'm currently in. I was highly offended by some things said to me by a couple of the members. I stopped going a couple of times and would have stayed that way had it not been for the sense that HF wanted me to continue going. I listened to that prompting. It has been a journey in learning for me, about how to handle myself/my perspective in difficult situations.

I guess what this comes down to is; Go to God and follow what He tells/prompts you to do.

The Best.

Dove

[MormonMama]

Thank you again everyone. I so appreciate the support and suggestions.

We haven't been attending church the past few weeks, mostly because DH is working OT at his job due to the holidays and is just too exhausted to get up and I've been having so much physical discomfort with my pregnancy that I can't handle sitting in those pews and chairs for 3 hours (I have back and hip problems and this pregnancy has just made them so much worse). However, DH and I have had a discussion and are determined to make more of an effort after the baby comes and the new year begins (which should be around the same time).

Even if all we do is attend our meetings, we know we still need the Spirit that church brings and we want our daughter to continue to have that socialization. If people were downright mean to us that would be different, but no one is mean, they just don't seem to want to put in much effort in the Church itself.

So maybe we DO need to be the ones to set the example, as others have suggested. Maybe my daughter's enthusiasm for the Gospel will rub off on other youth and even her leaders. Maybe DH's dedication to attending meetings even when he is so tired that he is falling asleep will touch someone's heart and instill in them a desire to put in more effort. And who doesn't love to see new babies, right?

So for now we're going to take care of US, but we have a plan as a family to try and help this ward as we can. And even if no one responds to our efforts, we know the Lord will be pleased and we will have done our part.