How To Embrace a Previous Marriage

[LoToms]

Okay, many of you might think this is a silly question - but how do you embrace a previous marriage rather than just be "OK" with it.

Let me explain..

I am getting married in just a few weeks. I am kind of young, only 19. He is 25. My fiance has been married before. However, it was only for a short period of time (8 months) before it got annulled. There are no financial obligations, kids, or any contact whatsoever. It is never mentioned unless it has to be. He never brings it up, and in fact is it as if it never happened. But here's the thing -- every time I think about it, I wish it never happened. But it did. And he has grown so much spiritually and emotionally, and has made him the person he is today. It was an abusive relationship. He went to marriage counselling for months without her showing up before calling it quits. He learned how to be a great husband, and I am so grateful for that. It has made him who he is. It was hard at first to hear about it. To know about it. To take it in. But I know that if he didn't go through what he has gone through, he wouldnt be the man I am marrying.

SO - how do I turn those thoughts of appreciation into how I feel whenever it comes up in my head, within conversation, or with anything. How do I not just think of my gratitude but feel that gratitude? I dont just want to feel okay with it, but be embrace it and feel the blessings that have come from it.

If anyone has any advice, I would very much appreciate it. I am so excited to be marreid to this wonderful man, I want to be able to embrace everything about him -- even the things that I feel aren't so joyous.

[Guest]

Why do you feel the need to embrace a bad period of time in your husband's life? Embrace who it helped him become.

[skippy740]

So, you're marrying someone who has a few scars, but is better because of it... but you don't like the scars?

You can think of these scars as battle wounds, that he fought, learned and became the man he is today because of those scars. Eventually, the scars become beautiful to you and you are proud of them - because they helped shape his life, and consequently, your life.

You are not his 'first'. You need to accept the whole person you are marrying... and what his past experiences have made him today. Otherwise, you are always going to be 'cursing' that part of him... and that part is what has made him better.

[classylady]

My husband was married before. It's the biggest trial of our marriage because of the baggage he brought with him. I'm sorry, but I can't embrace his past marriage. And neither does he. He wishes it had never happened. He's forgiven his ex, (she committed adultery multiple times), but there are still consequences. For example, he shared many of life's first important milestones with his ex. Because he shared them with his ex first, when we have shared many of the same experiences, it was no big deal to him--already-done-that. Very heartbreaking to me.

[Vort]

But I know that if he didn't go through what he has gone through, he wouldnt be the man I am marrying.

Sure he would be. He would be the same man you are marrying, without some traumatic experiences and much of the growth he experienced as a result. We are more than the sum of our experiences.

[Backroads]

My husband brought in some baggage from his first marriage that were something of a trial for me during our engagement (pretty much how I wound up on this forum). Meant a lot of talks, but we worked through it.

Thoughts:

• You don't really need to "embrace" this past marriage of his. It happened, it's one of those things. Just be glad there are no kids or financial obligations.
• What you do need to do is come to terms with it. You're engaged to the man, so you obviously want to marry him. Focus on that. You're going to be his wife. No one else will have that title. Date, make plans for the future.
• Counselors are helpful. A couple of nice premarital counseling sessions can help you guys pinpoint any major problems that might pop up.
• Pray for your heart to be softened, and work for it.

[LoToms]

Sure he would be. He would be the same man you are marrying, without some traumatic experiences and much of the growth he experienced as a result. We are more than the sum of our experiences.

I would have to disagree with this. We ARE our experiences. What we do makes us who we are. If what we do is study the scriptures and has daily communication with our Father in Heaven, then we are someone who has a close relationship with God, and an understanding of who Christ is. There is not one part of me that is because of something I have not experienced. Our experiences either make us develop attributes or scare us away from developing attributes.

In this case, what he went through allowed him to develop characteristics that he would not have developed otherwise. So, yes, if he did not go through what he did go through, he would not be the same person. He would be a different man. I would not have fallen in love with him and his qualities if he did not have those qualities. So to tell me that we are more than a sum of our experiences, I would like to counter that and say that our experiences define who we are, what decisions we make, where we want to go in life, what attributes we possess, and ultimately changes who we are.

Edited December 13, 2012 by LoToms

[LoToms]

Vort-

I would also like to say something else. Your quote under your post says "As if anyone could knowingly commit sin without being changed both in spirit, body, and mind. Let me say this again, sin changes who we are! --james12" If you believe that sin changes who we are, why would experiences not do the same thing? We are changed based on our decisions, experiences, and tragedies.

[Vort]

I would have to disagree with this. We ARE our experiences. What we do makes us who we are.

This is not so. For example, two people having identical or near-identical experiences can react in very different ways and achieve very different ends.

In this case, what he went through allowed him to develop characteristics that he would not have developed otherwise.

How do you know this? He may well have developed some or many of those characteristics anyway.

Vort-

I would also like to say something else. Your quote under your post says "As if anyone could knowingly commit sin without being changed both in spirit, body, and mind. Let me say this again, sin changes who we are! --james12" If you believe that sin changes who we are, why would experiences not do the same thing? We are changed based on our decisions, experiences, and tragedies.

Our choices reveal, define, and change us. Our experiences change us only insomuch as we allow them to.

My point was to reassure you that your fiance is much more than his miserable marital experience. Sure, it's stirred into the mix, just as an extra 1/4 teaspoon of salt changes the composition of your pasta sauce. But it does not define your pasta sauce. The sauce would still be largely the same stuff, even if you hadn't added that extra 1/4 teaspoon of salt.

Edited December 13, 2012 by Vort

[mdfxdb]

I both agree and disagree with some of the comments above. We are defined by our life experiences, and how we handle them. Vort uses a Sauce analogy with and without salt. Well I would propose that the sauce is not the same without the salt, in fact..I would suggest it is completely different, even though it is a minor ingredient.

Your future spouse has been shaped by his experiences, that is why you love him. You need to decide to ignore/accept his prior marriage. If you can't do that then you will always harbor some type of resentment/fear inside. I suggest you do not take that into your marriage.

[Backroads]

The thing is, you can't (yet) marry a perfect person. You might marry someone without as many scars--only for wounds to happen later.