worried about our son

[melinda1037]

My 16 year old son came to us 6 months ago and said he no longer believes in God. We let him quit seminary and only go to 2 hours of church. He still had to come to the and family scriptures and prayers. He was doing ok but now refuses to do anything related to church. He is the oldest of 6 and is very angry at us for not letting him have his freedom of religion. We told him if he doesn't obey our rules he is grounded until he does. We are lost and very worried about him. Please help

[Windseeker]

Hi Melinda,

I would highly recommend listening to "How to Hug Teenage Porcupine" by Dr John Lund.

How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine: Dr. John L. Lund: 9781591565963: Amazon.com: Books

Here are a couple thoughts after listening to this.

We are not alone in bringing about the salvation of our children. We have the promises of our covenents, the Holy Ghost, Our Savior and our Heavenly Father as well.

The art of parenting is the art of letting go. We can not and do not use Satans strategies to bring about the Lords (and our) purposes.

D&C 121

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.

I think it's reasonable to have certain rules and boundaries while he is living at home.

I think you need to pray about this discuss it with your husband and follow the spirit.

[applepansy]

I let my son finish Seminary through their home schooling program. He eventually went on a mission but chose to come home after 6 months.

They have their agency and there really isn't anything we can do to change that. Prayer, fasting, and relying on God.

I find myself praying for an "Alma the Younger" moment with my sons.

[applepansy]

I let my son finish Seminary through their home schooling program. He eventually went on a mission but chose to come home after 6 months.

They have their agency and there really isn't anything we can do to change that. Prayer, fasting, and relying on God.

I find myself praying for an "Alma the Younger" moment with my sons.

Our homes are not a democracy, nor are they are republic. We have the right to set the rules in our homes. When your son is 18 he can either choose to live by your rules or move out. Until then he lives by your rules.

I wish you all the best.

[skippy740]

My 16 year old son came to us 6 months ago and said he no longer believes in God. We let him quit seminary and only go to 2 hours of church. He still had to come to the and family scriptures and prayers. He was doing ok but now refuses to do anything related to church. He is the oldest of 6 and is very angry at us for not letting him have his freedom of religion. We told him if he doesn't obey our rules he is grounded until he does. We are lost and very worried about him. Please help

Way too many people toss that phrase around without knowing what it really means.

What he SAYS he wants is freedom FROM religion.

Freedom OF religion is about the Consitution not ever establishing a national religion and forcing a particular faith amongst its citizens. It is a barrier of the government to not interfere with our private lives in the matters of faith.

However, it is the same government that requires that you care for your minor-age children. For your children, you ARE their government... as you are to 'govern them' according to your house rules.

So, if it were me, I'd have your 16-year old son start with an essay about the founding of America and what the phrase "freedom of religion" means and the intentions behind the 1st ammendment in the Bill of Rights.

Has he read The Book of Mormon and prayed about it?

Back when I was a young kid, I asked my parents if I had to go to Church. They made me a deal: If you read the entire Book of Mormon and pray about it... and you are trustworthy, then you can stay home from church at 16 years old.

The major impact of this was that it allowed us to learn and practice the gospel through freedom... which is the plan Jesus presented in the pre-existance... verses being coerced which was the plan of the Adversary.

So, make an appropriate deal with your son... but AFTER he understands what "freedom of religion" means.

[kevieb]

years ago i read an article that said that whether or not a child follows in his/her parents religion has a lot more to do with how good the relationship with their child is rather than how strongly the parents lived their religion.

My oldest son also started to rebel around the same age as your son. We went the rounds with him. We did insist that as long as he was still in high school, he had to attend church and seminary---in my opinion, that is just what LDS families do. He did not put up an argument about either of these things--but I don't think he was always honest about the reasons he wasn't there, either.

However, at some point, I realized I didn't have a lot of control over the path he was heading down and I realized that i needed to work on my relationship with my son.

My son did go inactive. He is 29 years old now---but we have a VERY good relationship. I know that even when he didn't go to church himself that he was defensive of the church when people talked it down--because that is where his family went.

I don't know what the future will hold, he married a non-member, but i know that we have a better chance of him coming back around someday because we have a good relationship than we would if we had pushed him and pushed him until we turned him away.

[Guest DeborahC]

Well... first let me say I think it's normal for a 16 year old to test boundaries. It's what most 16 year olds do best.

Next, I had a child like yours.

Actually, mine was worse, and in the end I took drastic measures.

I was a single mother of 3 sons.

My boys were home schooled. Once they passed the GED they were expected to continue their education at community college. My eldest refused to go to school and refused to go to work and was running with the wrong crowd. He had just turned 17. He wouldn't go to church and he wouldn't do his chores.

I told him, "You will go to school OR get a job OR I will lock you out of the house and you will find another place to live."

He didn't believe me.

I put all of his goods in boxes and set them on the front porch.

I changed all the locks on the doors.

When he came to the house, I told him, "Sorry, you don't live here anymore."

He asked, "Where will I go?"

I said, "I don't know."

I had 2 other sons to worry about and couldn't let this one influence them... I also knew I had taught them to take care of themselves and he'd be ok.

He stayed with one friend til they got tired of him loafing and kicked him out.

Then another.

He went through about 4 friends, then wanted to come home again.

I said, "Sorry..."

He said, "What do I do now?"

I said, "I don't know.. maybe you should consider the military? I hear they give free room and board!"

He did.

He is now a successful surgical nurse for Kaiser.

He has a wife and two beautiful children.

He also is a wonderful father.

They have no television.

They eat dinner together and play games with the kids afterwards.

He's done well for himself.

I will remind him of this story when his son is 16...

[kevieb]

One of my son'r lived in his car through the winter--it about killed me and i worried about him---even went looking for him late one night. He still struggles with life and doesn't live according to our standards--but interestingly enough, he does go to the singles branch off and on. he is living with us again--he tried to get out on his own--but he wasn't making enough. we had to bring him back home--then he lost his job--just after my husband had co-signed on a car for him. I think he has some sort of learning disorder--we notice he can't always follow things well--even when we are very exact about what we need done.

It is not the best situation--but we have him in counseling right now, he has anxiety and depression and anger issues--hopefully he can get it together one day.

Every child and every situation is different.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Have you talked to him about why he doesn't believe in God anymore?

[kathysmike]

My, son was 14 when he came to live with me, I knew he had doubts about the gospel, I made it a rule he attend Sunday meetings with us, he has. Even on the weekends he has been with his mother he has made it possible to attend meetings in our ward. We have never pushed the "church" on him just required to attend weekly Sunday worship. He came to me a month ago after arranging a series of interviews with the Bishop to prepare himself for his advancement to the office of priest, and to talk about receiving his P.B.

We live the gospel in our home but do not force Bruce to participate beyond were he has felt comfortable, tonight as he offered the blessing on dinner it was a bit more awkward, he stated he was tying to get away from just repeating the food blessing his Mom taught him when he was a young kid, we are making small steps but are moving forward.

The good and big step is on this coming Sunday I will have the opportunity to ordain him to the office of a Priest. We have had many talks and discussions and he seems ready and willing to accept the new and additional responsibilities with the new position. A lot of the credit goes to his desire to grow, and the desire to please his Father in Heaven. He has an awesome Sunday School teacher who can identify with the "unconventional" teenager the one whose hair maybe a little longer who may not be a scout, the non-cookie cutter teen member which describes my son, who has really helped Bruce understand its ok to be different and still believe.

With prayer, fasting, understanding, and lots of patience, consistent love, things will work out in the Lord's time.

[Gramajane]

I also think some serious communication is best. Open, not judgmental.

I wasn't doubting my (and my families) faith as a 16 year old

so I was absolutely shocked to have my mother suggest that I do some "comparison" shopping of religions! She said that as I didn't know what others believed, how could I know ours was best?

She did ask, that I continue to our meetings (not the back to back ones we have now) and I did, and it strengthened my testimony while still being a kind of hobby of mine to this day. :)

--- I recommend that the study be from what they say of their beliefs, NOT what others say they believe.

Basically, seek to communicate with you son! Fear not, as the truth is the truth, but force rarely finds favor!

[Gramajane]

I also think some serious communication is best. Open, not judgmental.

I wasn't doubting my (and my families) faith as a 16 year old

so I was absolutely shocked to have my mother suggest that I do some "comparison" shopping of religions! She said that as I didn't know what others believed, how could I know ours was best?

She did ask, that I continue to our meetings (not the back to back ones we have now) and I did, and it strengthened my testimony while still being a kind of hobby of mine to this day. :)

--- I recommend that the study be from what they say of their beliefs, NOT what others say they believe.

Basically, seek to communicate with you son! Fear not, as the truth is the truth, but force rarely finds favor!

[count58]

Hi there, I am new to this website and im not really religious and i dont go to church although i have done in the past when i was alot younger. I can see your issue and understand it but i think if you just pray and talk to people you trust you will get through it. He may not want to go to church or anything religious but he may still have the faith and pray without you even knowing. Im not against religious people or anything like that cause im not that type of person but i think punishing him for something you want him to do that he doesnt want to in this aspect is harsh as when people get older things change and maybe hes just not into anymore. All you can do is just do the best job at raising him that you can do have faith pray and ask him from time to time if he has changed his mind or what other intrests does he have etc. I wish i could of helped more. Good luck and keep praying im sure your doing a great job and that your a fantastic parent :)

[missionary0204]

When I was 16-17, I quit attending church. I didn't quit because I didn't believe. I quit because I allowed other things to distract me and stayed up late on Saturday nights. My parents set a good example but did not try to force me to do what I didn't want to do. I was very independent and would rebel if anyone tried to "control" me. Even though I wasn't active for a few years, I did come back to the gospel, served a mission, and have made my parents proud. I am very grateful that my parents set a good example and did not force me to go to church. I fear that it would have turned me bitter to the idea if they held it over my head and gave me grief about it all the time.

I hope this helps in anyway. I cannot relate to your story because I never quit believing in God. If I did, then I have no idea what would be most effective. I can only assume that ppushing to hard will only cause resentment and issues in your future relationship. I understood as a teen that I was responsible for cleaning and helping out around the house because I lived there. The idea that you have to attend church because you live there isn't logical to me once a child reaches a certain age. I follow those whom I love and respect. I want to be like the people that inspire me. Making me do something I do not accept or agree with would be counterproductive.

I expect criticism based on my comments. This is just how I feel about it based on my life.

[Elphaba]

. . . and is very angry at us for not letting him have his freedom of religion.

One's First Amendment right to "Freedom of Religion," (which logically must include freedom FROM religion), refers specifically to the government not interfering with someone's religious choices. Parents can interfere all they want.

Whether or not it is a good idea to do so is a different issue. But you are not violating his right to freedom of religion if you choose to set some rules regarding his participation in your religious functions.

Elphaba

[Sharky]

I can't really teach or express this concept in words, but I'm going to try.

I don't want this to sound as if I am belittling the situation or the Gospel concepts that involved either, but it might start out that way.

When faced with similar circumstatnce we as parents struggled greatly. Then one day a thought occured to me ...

The Lord lost 1/3rd of his children right off the bat, that third didn't even try the Lords way, so I could loose 2.6667 of my kids & be no worse off then God.

Even though 1/3rd of Gods children chose a different path, in that moment I believed fully that He still loves each one of them as would any parent. He still cries tears for them. He may not love their choice, he may not love the fact that they are in a very real sense trying to destroy His kingdom, but as his children he still loves them as only a parent can.

In that moment, with that realization, I found peace.

I could not love or even like the choices our son was making, but I love him. I could support him & help him as only a loving parent can.

We, as parents, had taught him what he would need to know to be able to return to his Father-in-Heaven & to be a part of our family for all eternity. We would continue to have the presense of those teachings in our home & in our interactions with our son. Those influences would continue to be a part of our sons day-to-day life in our home, even if he did not believe or did not actively participate.

"....raise up a child in the way the should go...."

Taking such a course of action relieved much of the strain on our family & restored some of peace in our home.

We still had many many many prayers for our son, though we also prayed that he would feel & know of our love for him & that he would come to understand that no matter what he did or where he went that love & support would always be there, that we as his parents, that we would always be there for him much the same as is our Father-in-Heaven. That he would know & understand in his heart he could always come to us.

That boy of ours, exactly 1 week after his 21st birhday stood at the pulpet & gave his missionary farewell address.

Of 8 kids, 6 had similar time periods in their lives. All but the youngest served missions & were sealed in the temple. The youngest, after being married 3 years knelt across the alter from hs wife & was sealed to her & their 2 children were then sealed to them.

Trust in the Lord. Trust in the teachings that you have given your son in the past 16-years. Trust in your love for your son. Accept him, support him, realize that loving him while dispising his choices is possible & work to help him understand that regardless of his choices regaurdless of his actions you still and will always love him and will always be there for him.

[count58]

Wow Sharky, that was an amazing speech. big thumbs up for that it was beautiful. As i say im not religious or anything like that, but all you can do really is teach your child right from wrong good and bad whats acceptable and whats not etc and just love them unconditionally for the rest of your life. You do not have to love the way they do things or approach situations but as long as your there for them and they know your there for them and that you love them very much it is all you can really do for them.

[livy111us]

LDS scholar Michael Ash has written a book on the phenomena of shaken faith called Shaken Faith Syndrome. It looks at the why's and how's peoples faith are shaken from a Gospel and Psychological point of view and how to help them in this state of loss of faith. You will understand what is going on in the head of those who are questioning and give you insight into why he is doing what he is doing.

I would highly recommend this book for you because it was written for people in your position. You can get it here: Shaken Faith Syndrome - FAIR LDS Bookstore

He gave a short lecture on a few items mentioned in his book in a FAIR conference lecture in 2008. You can watch it here:

Read it here:

http://www.fairlds.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/2008-Michael-Ash.pdf

You may also benefit from learning what LDS Psychiatrist Wendy Ulrich said about cognitive dissonance. The discomfort one feels when he/she comes across information that contradicts firmly held beliefs and how the mind deals with this situation. You can see her lecture here:

and read it here: 2005 “Believest thou…?”: Faith, Cognitive Dissonance, and the Psychology of Religious Experience « FAIR

Edited February 19, 2013 by livy111us