I need help!!! My brother in trouble, people in trouble!!!!!!!

[bigbrotherj]

I really need help and am coming here as a last effort. And I really mean A LAST EFFORT!!! If I don't get help here, I don't know what is going to happen. My wish is I get hundreds of responses here. I cannot receive enough advice, to the point I would ever say, stop. SO, PLEASE HELP!!! Here is the story (and its not the typical troubled teen story, please read to the end):

Where things are right now.

I'm the oldest of 4 and my youngest brother is in trouble. He's 17 and today he takes drugs (prescriptions, cocaine, marijuana), he drinks (the heavy stuff), he parties and has unprotected sex, he sells drugs, he's admitted to drinking and driving, he's got VERY HIGH depression and VERY HIGH anxiety. And finally, I don't know if there is any weight to this.... but my siblings think he is RAMPAGE SHOOTER MATERIAL!!!

The Full Story

My brother at age 3 stopped eating and literally almost died. He was taken to the hospital and had to be fed with tubes. The doctors attributed it to high anxiety of some sort. He was never treated with medication until just a few years ago doctors have him on and off all kind of different anxiety related meds.

My family is strong in the gospel. I served a mission, my dad served a mission. My dad was a bishop for 6 years, served on the high council, stake mission president, etc. He's taught gospel seminars to hundreds of people at institute buildings around the city I'm from. He's very well known in the church in our area, and very highly regarded. He's personal friends with several general authorities. I've had nothing but great respect for both him and my mom, in all my upbringing. My other 2 siblings are great! My dad is a successful business owner. And me, I'm 27, I enjoy life and have kept my nose clean all these years. I've been the "go to guy" among friends in getting help and guidance with life and the trials it has to offer. I've had friends that have done EVERY wicked thing you could imagine. I've had missionary companions who recovered from crazy lifestyles. I have chose to live a life of learning from others mistakes. I know more about the dark side of this world than I care to know.

Back to my brother. Growing up, he was always the shy kid. Didn't have a lot of friends, didn't EVER go out and do things. He has always been a "stay in my room and do nothing" kind of kid. I can remember him being like this as young as 5 years old, to his current age now.

He never seemed normal. He's always seemed like something was wrong inside. But 2 years ago, I noticed that a darkness was coming over him. That something was not right. I grew up around enough bad stuff to know he was having sex and doing drugs. He was coming home late at night, had hickies on neck, seemed stoned, and all the other symptoms that he was living a darker life.

So at this time (2 years ago) I would bring these concerns to my parents the instant I saw signs that stuff was going on, and they didn't believe me. These are not disconnected people. My parents are in their early 50's and I feel have a very strong grasp of their surroundings. But in regards to my brother. It's like they have blinders on. For example, I saw a hickey on his neck and showed them, and they said "it's not a hickey, we already saw it and he said it's a rash", haha, yeah right! The very next saturday morning, another "rash" appeared on the other side of his neck. Which at that point, he admitted what it was. I'm gonna save us all a bunch of time and just say, I saw many things leading me to believe he was getting in deep with drugs. From failing all his classes, to looked dazed and confused on a regular basis. So many signs.

So after watching this for a year straight (again this was 2 years ago), I got sick and tired of my parents brushing all my concerns aside. It was like they thought I was making it up. So 1 year ago I said enough is enough. I've seen too many people in my past get screwed up from this lifestyle (of drugs) to NEVER return. I hacked is cel phone, I hacked his email, I hacked his facebook account. I set GPS trackers in his phone, and had friends follow him at night. Only to find in just a matter of days, that he was doing drugs, having sex, partying, etc. One text talked about a heroine deal he was doing.

I took all the information I gathered to my parents and they finally believed me. They pulled him aside and confronted him. He lied about everything. My mom said, "Ok, I'll be back, I'm going to the store to get a drug test". After she left, he confessed everything to my dad.

The next night the whole family sat down (as my other siblings new the situation), and we all bore testimony to him of the things we had seen with people doing drugs, and how we don't want to see him take that same destructive path. I honestly feel like it was a great talk, a lot was said. But, THERE WAS NO FOLLOW UP. Days after, he retained his cel phone, his video games, and his truck. He hasn't gone back to school, he doesn't work, and he's hanging out with some very questionable people again. He's coming in late at night 2-4 a.m. on average.

Again, he has high anxiety and high depression (which the past couple years he has been taking medication for, with no success). Mix that with the substances I suspect he is back on, and it's not a good combination. So last week, I guess he said to my mom "I want some guns". She obviously said no. And he said something along the lines of, "It's ok, dad has them around the house" (which my parents smartly hid later that day). After this weird conversation, my sister went on his computer and saw some of his recent searches were suicide related searches, and searches on different killings.

I came over to the house right in the middle of an argument of my sister saying something needs to be done about all this, with my mom downplaying my sisters claims. I told my sister, "I don't know what you read, or what he said in his conversation with mom about the guns, but if you feel he is seriously a threat to himself or others, CALL THE COPS". My sister just said, "there's no point, mom and dad will just bail him out of jail".

So here I am today. I have had my eye on this kid my whole life. I exerted all my energies a year ago to prove something was going on, to raise awareness to his situation, to get him help, and NOTHING HAPPENED. I feel helpless at this point. A year ago, weeks before he was caught, my dad (the spiritual guy, former bishop, etc), would say, "he's fine, I have father son interviews with him all the time, and I think I would know if he's doing the things you say he's doing". Well, my dad was wrong. I say things to them now (in just the past couple weeks), that I feel things aren't right (same feelings I had back then, mixed with some small clues I've seen lately), and they are brushing me off again!!!

How do I get my parents to wake up!!! My brother needs help, and until they put the hammer down and set rules for him, and stop handing him all the money he needs, he'll never get past all this! How do I wake them up!!! I've seen too many people get so far into this lifestyle of drugs and addiction, that they have never returned. I want to save my brother before it's too late!

I really am looking for all advice. Everyone. Whatever you have to offer. Even if it's just an experience of someone you know, and what helped them. But mainly my parents, what can I do to help them see that actions need to be taken now.

Whoever has read all this, and especially whoever responds... I really appreciate you taking the time! Thanks everyone!

[Gwen]

I can't say what is right for your family. I can say that sometimes the extreme is necessary to break a dangerous cycle.

Have you prayed and received confirmation that he is a danger to himself and others (thinking about a mass shooting or something)? If you truly believe he is then you can talk to a family lawyer or counselor and find out the steps you personally could take. Don't wait on anyone else to take action.

One option is reporting him for hospitalization/evaluation. Though that process can take a lot of time and from reports seems to be the trigger for the ym in the recent school shooting.

Another option is wait until you know he will be involved in some kind of drug purchase and call the cops. He will get arrested and will open the door to you talking to the judge... do you have enough evidence to convince a judge to do a psychiatric eval? Again I would probably plan this with the help of a lawyer because your goal is psychiatric help not jail.

Those options come with as much risk to blow up in your face as to go right. I've heard stories of things going either way. Your family may hate you for getting him arrested or he may choose jail over help and get worse, etc. Could go very right and be the hit bottom he needs to turn around.

The key to it going right may be all he needs now.... non judgmental truly interested family.

If he ends up arrested, hospital, etc he will need family there. Not the I told you so come back to church kind. The kind that says "I love you and I'm here for you NO MATTER WHAT" Don't tell him what he should or could have done. Accept who he is and where he is. Find out his goals to fix this and support them. Don't expect he will ever come back to church and don't make church the answer. Let him figure out who he is and accept exactly that, love HIM.

You don't have to wait until he is in the hospital to support and accept him. Plan a brother trip, just the two of you, and then get to know him. No preaching, no judgment, no telling him who he should be or what he should do. Find out what it's like to be him, what life was like for him growing up. Sounds to me like there was a lot of pressure to live up to a lot of "perfect" ppl. If that's what he tells you, if there is resentment, etc don't argue with it. Don't try to tell him he's wrong. Accept it, hear it, wear his shoes for just a min; from his perspective, his experience, his feelings. Let him know he's accepted and loved no matter what, being your brother comes first. Find out what he dreams for himself for the future. Again, accept it. If it's not in the church that's ok. Always remember he was HF's son first, let him take care of his own relationship. If he says he wants to be a garbage man, then great, be the proudest brother of a garbage man that has ever lived. After you have established a safe relationship then you will expand your influence and ability to bear testimony (if appropriate) and give advise on life paths.

I find that all most ppl want is acceptance; as they are right now this moment, imperfections and all. Let him do the talking and accept him. May not be the right advise but that's my thoughts on what you've said.

good luck

[pooter1]

Wish I had an answer for you.I have a son just like this. Started when he was 16 years old.We (as parents) did see this(he didn't try hard to hide it). My son has been on all kinds of meds,counselors,2 hospital stays and NOTHING has helped him.He is 23 today and still living with us,still does drugs,and still drinks. We are at a loss.We have had the police at our house numerous times for him threatening our younger sons life.The police say their is nothing they can do unless he acts on it. We begged God to help him before he was 18 but it wasn't so. I worry constantly that he will 1.Kill himself 2. Kill us 3. Go to prison. It does help to stay close to the gospel.i don't know how i would handle things if I didn't have the gosepl.So far I haven't lost my mind which I worry about. Good luck and let me know if you find an answer.

[Windseeker]

My younger brother (8yrs) has had similar issues and is now living with my parents now that he is wheelchair bound after jumping off a 4 story building in Hawaii. He served time for pulling a gun on his girlfriend. He also has a son in Texas he never sees. Years ago we tried to have an intervention and he finally agreed to go to rehab but he ran away and my parents didn't follow-thru on the consequences and picked him up and brought him home. My other brother and I held strong but holding out just caused too much stress on my parents. He is pretty much constantly on something (Physician Prescribed) Morphine or Methadone.

From what it sounds like, you have done all that you can do for your brother. Your parents sound like mine in that they are dealing with allot of guilt and denial.

I've recommended this before on this board, but this has had a significant impact on how I deal with my children and how I plan to deal with my brother.

It's by Dr Lund and it's a set of talks on CD called "How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine".

How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine: Dr. John L. Lund: 9781591565963: Amazon.com: Books

I recommend listening to this and sharing it with your parents.

From what I learned from this and from also going to Al-Anon is with my kids if they aren't actively participating in treatment then depending on their age I would get them into a program like the Anasazi program.

Wilderness therapy program for troubled teens and at-risk youth, residential treatment program alternative to boot camp and brat camp

My wife was a trail-walker in this program before and after her mission.

I was also a counselor in Hawaii for Juvenile delinquents in a different youth program that has since been closed.

If my kids are in their 20's and they weren't participating in treatment then they would not be allowed to live at home. I've made allot of mistakes as a parent but the worst mistake I could ever make is to parent by guilt and enable my kids to ruin their lives. But it's a double-edged sword, because if the kids decide not to live by obeying the rules and choose to live elsewhere then I have no more opportunities to influence them for the better.

I wish you the best, and you sound like a loving caring brother.

[pam]

I have a friend who has also been a trail walker with the Anasazi program. I think this year was the first year he wasn't involved because he got married.

[Traveler]

The first thing a person must learn in dealing with others that are involved in addictions is to take care of themselves first.

You do not sound as though you are in a stable place for yourself. I suggest you contact your bishop and seek help through the Church social services with how you can best deal with your concerns.

The Traveler

[annewandering]

If he is talking about guns and killings then at least go to the police and tell them whats going on. They may not be able to do anything like arrest him but at least they can be aware. All the rest is stuff that can be worked on gradually but the killing thing is not. It has to be dealt with in at least some way today.

You may be being paranoid but how many times could shootings have been averted if people had taken their concerns seriously? I am glad your parents were at least not trusting enough to leave guns out. Them being hid is probably not enough. A determined person can find hid. Either get them gone out of the house of locked with the key unavailable like around a neck. If that is not going to happen carry them with you. Keep in mind he didnt threaten anyone with the guns. He went looking for information and to me that is much scarier. Threats are often cries for help. Secretiveness is more like a determination to do.

I would be uneasy honestly.

[InstilledPhear]

This sounds like a very scary, difficult situation. I'm proud of you for not brushing things aside like your parents seem to be doing...

It sounds to me like your brother is refusing any influence of the gospel or Christ in his life. If you're hoping to change him, then be very, very patient. I would recommend keeping up a good example, because at this point it may be all that you can do. He's in pretty deep. Until he has a desire to open the door for Christ and spirituality to come back into his life, it'll be a really rough road for him and for your family.

As for your parents... If you can come to them and tell them the things that you've done to gain the knowledge that you have (about your GPS tracking and hacking of his phone/email), then maybe they'll more readily listen to you. If I were a parent, it would be very, very difficult for me to watch one of my children gleefully gallop down the wrong path. It could just be that they refuse to acknowledge the situation in the hopes that everything will go away. It sounds like your sister is on your side; have her talk to them, as well.

Perhaps calling the cops on him may be best at this point. He may not be thrown in jail, but I imagine that they would put him on watch or something. If your parents aren't getting themselves involved, get the authorities involved. I really wish I had better advice to give you. :/

[InstilledPhear]

This sounds like a very scary, difficult situation. I'm proud of you for not brushing things aside like your parents seem to be doing...

It sounds to me like your brother is refusing any influence of the gospel or Christ in his life. If you're hoping to change him, then be very, very patient. I would recommend keeping up a good example, because at this point it may be all that you can do. He's in pretty deep. Until he has a desire to open the door for Christ and spirituality to come back into his life, it'll be a really rough road for him and for your family.

As for your parents... If you can come to them and tell them the things that you've done to gain the knowledge that you have (about your GPS tracking and hacking of his phone/email), then maybe they'll more readily listen to you. If I were a parent, it would be very, very difficult for me to watch one of my children gleefully gallop down the wrong path. It could just be that they refuse to acknowledge the situation in the hopes that everything will go away. It sounds like your sister is on your side; have her talk to them, as well.

Perhaps calling the cops on him may be best at this point. He may not be thrown in jail, but I imagine that they would put him on watch or something. If your parents aren't getting themselves involved, get the authorities involved. I really wish I had better advice to give you. :/

[bcguy]

Simply uttering a threat to kill some one here would land you in jail. I agree with you about the direction drugs will lead some one. Death or prison are the only other choices.

[Vort]

Threatening to kill someone will land you in jail almost anywhere in the Western world. It's called "assault".

[NeuroTypical]

A few things in no real order:

* You can't control or fix your parents. You can't always make people do or see things.

* You can't control your brother. You might be able to influence him. Love him, and stay as close to him as you can.

* You can educate yourself. Warning Signs of Youth Violence

* Not every kid addicted to drugs with enabling parents in denial ends up being horribly violent. In fact, hardly any of them do. There are countless people like your brother out there who never end up killing anyone or themselves. That doesn't mean you should turn a blind eye or refuse to take action, but it might help you reduce your anxiety a little.

* Professional responders tell me something about suicidal folk: They don't bother getting excited until they hear "time & method". In other words, they'll sit there bored and listen to your brother drop vague melodramatic hints about doing himself in all day. All week. Because at the end of the month, the person will still be alive and well and making vague hints. But if he ever says something like "I'm going to shoot myself with my dad's gun after dinner tonight", then they'll act.

Edited January 4, 2013 by Loudmouth_Mormon