Need advice on a bewildering relationship

[Nazareth]

Over two years ago I attended BYU-Idaho where I first saw the most attractive person. I still remember looking back behind my desk to see her and as I turned around I thought to myself, "Oh. My. Gosh.". Over that semester we had a couple dates and I told her that I cared for her. Later that next year I left on my mission, but after only three months I was sent home due to a medical condition that was out of my control (and still have none to this day).

After trying to collect myself from the drama, I decided to attend a different institution in Utah. I felt as if BYU-I would mock me for being an early-released missionary. After winter, spring and summer rolled away I decided to head up to the University of Utah for the Fall. During this time I had an occasional chat with her. After much consideration through prayer I decided to go back up to BYU-I this Winter. She influenced me to come back up here.

The Problem: I feel that she is out of my reach. I am not to say I am a bad looking guy, in fact I usually get compliments on my appearance. She is offtrack this semester and will return next semester. I have feelings of anxiety that I cannot live up to her standards. Keeping the commandments and abiding by the laws of the gospel are not a problem. Grades are not an issue (3.85 gpa) but I still feel that I could never live up to her intellectual capacity.

When I text her about a problem she always asks, "What's wrong" and "How can i help?". I know that she is such a wonderful woman, but at the same time very mystifying. I get so anxious and nervous when I communicate with her - intimidation most likely. I feel that if I say the wrong thing or mess up on my grammar she may throw down the hammer on me, but at the same time she has that feeling of warmth and compassion. Confusion has got me down. I cannot wait to meet her, but I don't because of my tendencies to have that "blank white stare" where you cannot think of anything to say. It reminds of the song "Witchcraft" sung by Frank Sinatra. It is as if she is the only one that puts this spell on me, leaving me speechless. I have no problem speaking with other attractive females, but with her it is a different scenario.

What advice should be given on this relationship between the two of us?

[skippy740]

Stay humble and you'll do fine. She likes YOU. It's not about your grades, your grammar or even your looks.

Get confident about YOU... and not the things that you think make you up. Once you are confident about yourself, you'll feel a little more at ease.

Just stay humble. :)

[Star_]

The Problem: I feel that she is out of my reach. I am not to say I am a bad looking guy, in fact I usually get compliments on my appearance. She is offtrack this semester and will return next semester. I have feelings of anxiety that I cannot live up to her standards. Keeping the commandments and abiding by the laws of the gospel are not a problem. Grades are not an issue (3.85 gpa) but I still feel that I could never live up to her intellectual capacity.

When I text her about a problem she always asks, "What's wrong" and "How can i help?". I know that she is such a wonderful woman, but at the same time very mystifying. I get so anxious and nervous when I communicate with her - intimidation most likely. I feel that if I say the wrong thing or mess up on my grammar she may throw down the hammer on me, but at the same time she has that feeling of warmth and compassion. Confusion has got me down. I cannot wait to meet her, but I don't because of my tendencies to have that "blank white stare" where you cannot think of anything to say. It reminds of the song "Witchcraft" sung by Frank Sinatra. It is as if she is the only one that puts this spell on me, leaving me speechless. I have no problem speaking with other attractive females, but with her it is a different scenario.

What advice should be given on this relationship between the two of us?

You need to chill. Relax and be yourself. Have confidence in yourself. A healthy (not egotistical) sense of confidence is attractive. Remember she is not perfect, she is human too! It seems she likes you so you don't want to ruin things by being too nervous to communicate. Don't worry about grammar too much. That would be a very silly reason to throw the hammer on someone. If anyone happened to reject you solely because of grammar, I don't think that person was worth it and definitely not the right one. Seriously, you need to take a deep breath and not worry so much.

You need to meet her or it is a guarantee nothing more will come between you.

Maybe think about it this way- if she is ever going to become your future spouse and you want a healthy marriage- you need to feel comfortable around her and feel comfortable communicating with her. If you just can't get past feeling uncomfortable, no matter what you do, and even as time goes on, that might be a sign to move on and find someone you feel comfortable with.

[Nazareth]

How would you suggest I gain such confidence? By the way, thanks for commenting :)

[Smeagums]

How would you suggest I gain such confidence? By the way, thanks for commenting :)

Be happy!

[Star_]

How would you suggest I gain such confidence? By the way, thanks for commenting :)

Believe in yourself. Respect yourself. Forgive yourself. Try not to care as much what others think (there is always someone that will disapprove). Pray to have confidence. Stay humble but learn to like yourself too. Be the person you want to be. Learn new skills, keep up your hobbies, have good friends. Stay strong in church and strive to keep the spirit with you (I think that is a big one). That is my $.02

[derblitzenator]

A couple of observations from the original post.

1) You have to come to terms with the fact that she may or may not be romantically interested in you. You went on a couple dates and told her that "you care for her." What does that really mean? Did you already state your romantic intentions? Or was it kind of a left to your own interpretation kind of comment where you could be interested in either a friendship or a relationship? I know this happened all prior to your mission a couple years ago, but it certainly can have some bearing on strategy to convert whatever you have going on now into a relationship.

2) You have to take your shot. The good women get taken off the market at some point, but there appears to be an opening now where she hasn't committed to anyone else. Therefore, you need to tell her how you feel about her face to face. She probably has already decided whether she will give you a shot or not, so at least you'll know after she reacts to your message to her.

3) Be thoughtful about the timing. The risk of chasing her now is that you'll be chasing her long-distance I assume, which could make things hard for both of you. However, if it works out you'll be a happy camper when she returns to BYU-I. Alternative, you could wait until she returns making the transition easier.

4) You are going to have to reveal your true self eventually. It's impossible to walk on eggshells your whole life. If you are fortunate enough that she accepts a relationship with you, you will be revealing your true self over time. It's too early to tell whether she is into that version of you. You shouldn't be stressing about that now. You take risks that could lead to heartache and failure or the ultimate success of getting married. Time will tell.

5) Lighten up. You seem to have all your eggs in one basket and are totally stressed about the outcome. As the others have alluded, you need to lighten up. If you come across as high stressed and afraid that even one misstep will cause the demise of the relationship, she probably won't feel comfortable and safe around you. Be yourself and work towards being laid back in conversation.

6) Sell yourself. You come across as not confident and swayed by what other people think about you. That's no way to approach dating. You need to sell your potential and show her that you have a bright future. You don't need to know 100% of the details of your career, but you should have ambition and be preparing to succeed.

Finally, on intellectual capacity she probably doesn't match up with most guys if she has an elite intellect. Thus, maybe there is a chance that you can relate to her if you have above average intelligence. You will need to get more comfortable around her to have a reasonable shot at winning her over.

[reader6213]

Something that has REALLY helped to boost my confidence, that can be done daily, is to read affirmations. You can do a google search, or create a board on PINTEREST. If you read them everyday, out loud, in front of a mirror, your subconscience starts to believe them. You end up transforming yourself into a confident person, in just a couple minutes a day.

[nellyleyva92]

I don't believe you've seen the most attractive person. I'm sure you haven't seen me yet! lol jk....but, I'd suggest you to think realistically. She's wonderful but not perfect. She doesn't walk on water, she has made mistakes and still makes them, she has felt self councious at some point in her life...believe me, even the the "most beautiful people on earth" have felt ugly or inadequate some times, (have you seen the celebrity yearbook photos? Gosh, we all had our awkard times! lol) Even the people who seem to be praised by all the world because of their beauty might be disliked by others. For example, I've seen everyone thinks Ryan Gosling in handsome....but he's ugly to me! lol)I'm not saying she's ugly, she must be the most attractive person indeed but through the eyes of others she might be "just fine", not everyone's type who knows. She has some defects, and so do you! And that's normal! We all are imperfect don't be afraid of messing up... you won't and if you do, I'm sure it's not going to be much of a big deal to her. Relax!!! Try not to hero-worship her and don't put you down .... because she might end up believing that indeed she deserves more. You're handsome and you're awesome lol. BELIEVE IT.

Good luck!

[THIRDpersonviewer]

How would you suggest I gain such confidence? By the way, thanks for commenting :)

What has worked best for me is putting a lot of effort into developing myself spiritually.

There is the verse in D&C that says let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly, THEN shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.

virtue is not just sexual purity, though it does make the largest effect on your virtue. Virtue is you possessing spiritual strength. Read in Mark 9 the account of the Savior and when the woman touched His garment. It says virtue went out of Him and the footnotes gives another translation from greek saying strength. So strength went out of Him, His spiritual power.

Everything to do with commandments affects your virtue. The more closely you keep the commandments, the more exact in your obedience(2000 stripling warriors), the greater your virtue and thus a greater confidence. The reason is you will have a greater outpouring of the Spirit in your life, which brings peace, confidence, happiness, joy, comfort and more. What is not to be at ease in that situation?

Just dont go nazi with the letter of the law. This is just for you(meaning don't force it upon others what you feel is the law) and, if you find it helpful, you tell someone. Dont beat yourself up over failure. You will fail, we all do so don't worrry about it. That's life.

Obeying with exactness is how I have increased my self-confidence and self-worth.

And I had a similar experience as far as feelings go. You feel she is so good that it make you nervous. There was a girl i dated before my mission that what you said was exactly how I felt. She seemed too good to be true, but I was nervous all the time. I thought way too much into things, what I said or did what she said or did. Like everyone said take a step back, relax, if it is going to work it is going to work.

I met my wife at BYU-I, I wasn't expecting it. In fact we were only together for about 6 weeks, she left to go back home and earn money and I was there for another semester. We felt it was right to get married, so we did at the end of that semester. So just over 6 months. The long distance relationship is HARD, but if it is going to work out, then it is going to work out.

That 6 week period was so important for us to build trust and faith in each other. From the get go we were very open and honest with each other about how we felt. When she said something, I trusted what she said. Not the lame retarded singles game of I don't like him enough to marry him but let me go on 2-3 more dates and slowly pull away and hope he gets the message. Well, I got that vibe, but why did you keep accepting my date invitations? That's MY MONEY that I felt and believed was worth giving up for this person when they were pretty much taking advantage of. I could have used that money with for my wife and believe me being married it would be nice to have.

If there is no trust, then there will be no growth in your relationship. You gain trust by saying you want to be open, and then meaning completely and fully what you are saying. So if she is not feeling good about something and you comfort her and tell her everything will be alright, it is because you DO feel everything will be alright. Not because that is the thing to say so she likes you.

Hope that wasnt too long, and made sense. I kinda had a few rants in there from stuff that annoyed me when I was single.

[garryw]

I feel that if I say the wrong thing or mess up on my grammar she may throw down the hammer on me

lucky you

[EarlJibbs]

You mentioned that you feel mocked for returning early from a Mission. I do beleive you there. Unfortunately, other people are sent home for other reasons (ie fooling around etc..) but still use medical reason for being sent home, I have met a lot that have used that reason, because it is not embarrassing and they think they can still get places with girls and all. There are members that seem to be insensitive or dont care what the reason was, simply that you did not finish. I wish that this could be corrected, but is personal choice.

Who cares if the girl seems beyond reach, let her decide that and go for the gold. Be yourself around her. If that is someone that clammers for something to say when you are around her, then be that person. If that person is someone who's grammar is terrible or who's Penmanship is atrocious, so be it. Now if those things are something you want to change, then change them, but do not become someone different, because you cannot be someone different forever. Just be you.

Best of luck.

[skippy740]

How would you suggest I gain such confidence? By the way, thanks for commenting :)

Get older... look back... and compare where you are now to where you were then.

We're always looking forward... when we need to be enjoying the 'now'.

Relax. What will be will be. Remember that the most beautiful art has imperfections.

Watch the movie 'Hitch'... especially at the end. If Albert Brennaman could do it... so can you!

[Arctica]

Why do you think she will throw down the hammer at you if you mess up your grammar, or say the wrong thing? Is she moody? Does she pout? Does she act superior?

OR is she caring and kind, even when people make mistakes?

If you are so nervous around her, it makes me wonder that she might be a bit judgmental, rather than a caring person. It would be ok to make mistakes around a person who cares about your well being.

What is it that attracts you to her? If it's only her looks and her smarts, maybe that's not enough to build a relationship on.

Does she call you to see how your are doing, or are you always calling/texting her? If you are the one always initiating contact, she may not be super interested right now.

But I would consider the other qualities (being kind, caring, forgiving, accepting...i.e able to love another person) more important than how attractive she is, and how intellectual she is.

So maybe you don't need to stress quite so much, you are just gathering information about her--does she have those qualities that make someone a good companion? Do you? Or are you pursuing her because being with her make *you* look good? Just a some thoughts to think about. Good luck!