Forgiveness and ignoring apologies


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No, I don't believe a person can truly forgive while ignoring an apology. Unless the person didn't feel the other person was hoping for a response, then I would just say they are ignorant of your desires for a reply, no fault on their part.

Could you imagine, when we apology to our Savior, bended knee, and he just ignores us? Ouch!

My personal thoughts.

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It's hard to know what to say because I don't know what action you're apologizing for. Forgiveness can sometimes take a long time and maybe they're not ready to talk about it?

I received an apology from someone that was unexpected and odd, plus I wasn't sure if it was an apology or they actually wanted to let me know that yes, they had been giving me the silent treatment. They would stare straight ahead and ignore me when I said hi because I hadn't told them what they wanted to hear (along with others and we hadn't done anything wrong - just tried to explain that their expectations were too high). I spoke to a close friend about it because I didn't know how to respond and didn't know if it would make them uncomfortable if I said anything. She said the person's therapist told them to send the apologies to the multiple people who made them angry, which initially came out as a defense of their behavior, so they had to rewrite it. It only got weirder when they signed their entire name including their middle initial, so it came across as not really wanting to write it.

I decided not to respond because I didn't want to have the conversation again and say the wrong thing. I could never say the right thing. Even to say, "You look nice" was offensive because they took it as, "No one sees my pain!" Well, dang. Do you want me to tell you you look like crap?

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I recently mailed a letter sincerely apologizing to someone. I felt really good after sending the letter. Weeks have passed and I have not received a reply of any type. I knew when I sent the letter I may not get a reply. At the time I did not care if I received a reply or not. Now I wish I had gotten a reply. Personally, I do not ignore apologies. Having my apology ignored led me to wonder if I have been forgiven. I suppose you could forgive someone but ignore their apology. I do consider that poor manners though.

What do you think about forgiveness and ignoring apologies?

I think you have forgiven yourself and that is as important as being forgiven by another.

Hopefully the one you apologized to will forgive you too - not for you, but for themselves. Holding on to anger, resentment and/or bitterness is a poison to our souls.

Bitterness is a poison I drink, thinking you will die. (anonymous)

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I recently mailed a letter sincerely apologizing to someone. I felt really good after sending the letter. Weeks have passed and I have not received a reply of any type. I knew when I sent the letter I may not get a reply. At the time I did not care if I received a reply or not. Now I wish I had gotten a reply. Personally, I do not ignore apologies. Having my apology ignored led me to wonder if I have been forgiven. I suppose you could forgive someone but ignore their apology. I do consider that poor manners though.

What do you think about forgiveness and ignoring apologies?

Did you specifically request a reply in your letter? As Morningstar brings up just because someone has accepted an apology doesn't mean they want to discuss the issue with you right away, and depending on what exactly happened they may not want to ever discuss it. And a mailed response calls for something more than, "Apology accepted." It's just awkward mailing something that would easily fit in a text message.

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I had a similar experience. I had done something wrong, nevermind what it was. I wrote an apology and mailed it off. A year later, a dear friend connected with the events ran into me out of the blue. We started talking, and she mentioned the letter I had written. She said "You know, you didn't need to write that. They had already forgiven you." I said "I know, but I needed to say it, and I feel better having done it." I never once heard from the people I wrote to, however I don't doubt that what my friend said was true.

Forgiveness needs to come from the one injured. Once Christ has given his to you, if anyone else withholds theirs, that is upon them, not you. I've never been good at holding grudges, and I hope I never learn to. I just can't care that long about offenses aimed at me.

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No, I don't believe a person can truly forgive while ignoring an apology.

Sometimes it's hard to know how to respond to an apology that has been so clearly thought out and had so much effort put in. When someone apologizes to me for something they've said/done that has genuinely hurt me, I never really know what to say. I don't want to say, "It's okay," because obviously it's not -- they hurt me! But that doesn't mean that I don't forgive them. I don't want to say, "thank you" because I think it sounds smug, like I'm superior while they grovel at my feet, which isn't how I feel, but I worry about it coming off that way. I also don't want to explain my side, because I worry that they will think that I'm dismissing their efforts at apology, or discounting it.

In any case, just because I forgive them doesn't mean that I have any idea how to respond to their apology. But I still forgive them. And if one were to come in the mail, it would be obviously unexpected, and maybe even a little awkward. I think I would know even less how to react.

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Sometimes it's hard to know how to respond to an apology that has been so clearly thought out and had so much effort put in. When someone apologizes to me for something they've said/done that has genuinely hurt me, I never really know what to say. I don't want to say, "It's okay," because obviously it's not -- they hurt me! But that doesn't mean that I don't forgive them. I don't want to say, "thank you" because I think it sounds smug, like I'm superior while they grovel at my feet, which isn't how I feel, but I worry about it coming off that way. I also don't want to explain my side, because I worry that they will think that I'm dismissing their efforts at apology, or discounting it.

In any case, just because I forgive them doesn't mean that I have any idea how to respond to their apology. But I still forgive them. And if one were to come in the mail, it would be obviously unexpected, and maybe even a little awkward. I think I would know even less how to react.

I agree with everything you have shared Wingnut. My response was specifying that a person who "ignores" an apology isn't truly forgiving either.

I have apologized to some people, and then they walk off even more angry. They "ignored" my apology.

This is in part of why I shared unless a person is ignorant of your desire of a response, this also I thought implied, but didn't, that people are not expected from The Lord to respond in a manner pleasing to us.

I firmly believe, though, people who truly "ignore;" ignore being synonymous with -- not sincerely accepting an apology -- are not they themselves forgiving.

However, I find myself more inclined when a person personally apologizes that I show them the same consideration they have shown me. If a fellow brother, I shake his hand, man hug him, and then say it is now in our past.

We all handle forgiveness different, again I am focusing on the word "ignore," which means to me denying the other person their right to feel forgiven.

My personal thoughts.

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Personally, I do not ignore apologies.

...

I suppose you could forgive someone but ignore their apology. I do consider that poor manners though.

Actually, I think LiterateParakeet gave the best advice so far. Do you really need to spend this time and energy on what's wrong with them because they didn't respond like you wanted after you apologized?

Here's how I see things:

Forgiveness and repentance - two majesstic towers of gospel blessings. When they are sucesfully implemented, they can bring great peace and joy here in this world. But here's the thing - although it's wonderful when they work together, it is also possible for them to work alone.

The person who has done wrong focuses on repentance, completes the process, and receives the blessings of having done so. There are blessings available, whether or not the offended person actually forgives or not. The person who needs to forgive, is supposed to do so, whether or not the other person has repented or not. But the repentant person can't control or dictate the other party's forgiveness. And at the end of the day, doesn't need to.

So yeah, what LP said: You need to forgive that person for not responding to you and let it go.

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Consider whether you're apologizing to make the person feel better, or to make yourself feel better. If it's the first, a response shouldn't matter to you so much so long as you know you've done what you can to help them feel better.

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I agree with everything you have shared Wingnut. My response was specifying that a person who "ignores" an apology isn't truly forgiving either.

I have apologized to some people, and then they walk off even more angry. They "ignored" my apology.

This is in part of why I shared unless a person is ignorant of your desire of a response, this also I thought implied, but didn't, that people are not expected from The Lord to respond in a manner pleasing to us.

I firmly believe, though, people who truly "ignore;" ignore being synonymous with -- not sincerely accepting an apology -- are not they themselves forgiving.

However, I find myself more inclined when a person personally apologizes that I show them the same consideration they have shown me. If a fellow brother, I shake his hand, man hug him, and then say it is now in our past.

We all handle forgiveness different, again I am focusing on the word "ignore," which means to me denying the other person their right to feel forgiven.

My personal thoughts.

If Person A apologizes to Person B and Person B doesn't respond, then do you feel they haven't truly forgiven? And if so, then why is that important to Person A?

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If Person A apologizes to Person B and Person B doesn't respond, then do you feel they haven't truly forgiven? And if so, then why is that important to Person A?

To restate make sure I am understanding your inquiry:

1. Andrew apologies

2. beefche doesn't respond.

3. Do I feel beefche hasn't truly forgiven?

No. A person doesn't need to respond to truly forgive. A response is not necessary. I believe their is a difference between ignoring and not responding. However, a response will also calm a troubled heart. If we truly have forgiven, why withhold a response? True forgiveness is that we ourselves have let go of our anger for the misconduct, or misdeed. If we are no longer angry, why not respond to bring comfort to the person apologizing, that things are OK?

Why is not "ignoring" the apology important, I believe it is this:

The person apologizing deserves to feel also forgiven. I remember one of my home teaching companions sharing an example of forgiveness, and apology. In his youth, he made a decision that affected a family and the livelihood of this family.

When my companion's father found out what he had done, he rushed him over to the other families home and had him apologize. My companion was terrified, he didn't know what was going to happen, or how this father would respond.

When my companion apologized, the father replied, "I can't imagine how difficult this was for you to come to my home and apologize. You have done your part. Now I must do mine." My companion explained to him how much those words meant to him. How much comfort they brought him, and also he learned much more about the strength of character of the man he harmed. I believe this is a great lesson of apology and the acceptance of an apology. Both hearts this day were comforted.

I believe President Hinckley's talk of the teenager and the woman are great examples also. She responded to his sincere apology, even though his actions created a life changing event for her. I believe her response to his actions was more important than the boys apology, for both of them.

Hehe...longer post than intended, but nothing new for me. :)

Edited by Anddenex
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Did you specifically request a reply in your letter? As Morningstar brings up just because someone has accepted an apology doesn't mean they want to discuss the issue with you right away, and depending on what exactly happened they may not want to ever discuss it. And a mailed response calls for something more than, "Apology accepted." It's just awkward mailing something that would easily fit in a text message.

No, I did not specifically request a response. I would not care if a response was mailed, emailed or in a text message. I agree a mailed response requires more than two words.

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Personally, I feel it is important to respond to apologies. I always find something to say. Even if it is simply "I appreciate your apology" or "Apology accepted".

I know I need to not expect a reply from others. Just because I apologize does not automatically mean I will get or deserve a response. I have to think about how the other person may feel. The other person may not know what to say and probably feels awkward. I did my part, feel good about it and do need to move on. The rest is on them.

If someone apologizes to me, I won't ignore it. It does not sit right with me. That is just how I am. To each their own.

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Consider whether you're apologizing to make the person feel better, or to make yourself feel better. If it's the first, a response shouldn't matter to you so much so long as you know you've done what you can to help them feel better.

Both. By apologizing I hope I am helping them to somehow feel better. This makes me feel better also.

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To restate make sure I am understanding your inquiry:

1. Andrew apologies

2. beefche doesn't respond.

3. Do I feel beefche hasn't truly forgiven?

No. A person doesn't need to respond to truly forgive. A response is not necessary. I believe their is a difference between ignoring and not responding. However, a response will also calm a troubled heart. If we truly have forgiven, why withhold a response? True forgiveness is that we ourselves have let go of our anger for the misconduct, or misdeed. If we are no longer angry, why not respond to bring comfort to the person apologizing, that things are OK?

Why is not "ignoring" the apology important, I believe it is this:

The person apologizing deserves to feel also forgiven. I remember one of my home teaching companions sharing an example of forgiveness, and apology. In his youth, he made a decision that affected a family and the livelihood of this family.

When my companion's father found out what he had done, he rushed him over to the other families home and had him apologize. My companion was terrified, he didn't know what was going to happen, or how this father would respond.

When my companion apologized, the father replied, "I can't imagine how difficult this was for you to come to my home and apologize. You have done your part. Now I must do mine." My companion explained to him how much those words meant to him. How much comfort they brought him, and also he learned much more about the strength of character of the man he harmed. I believe this is a great lesson of apology and the acceptance of an apology. Both hearts this day were comforted.

I believe President Hinckley's talk of the teenager and the woman are great examples also. She responded to his sincere apology, even though his actions created a life changing event for her. I believe her response to his actions was more important than the boys apology, for both of them.

Hehe...longer post than intended, but nothing new for me. :)

Great post :) I see eye to eye with you on this.

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Good afternoon Anddenex. I hope you have been doing well! :)

To restate make sure I am understanding your inquiry:

1. Andrew apologies

2. beefche doesn't respond.

3. Do I feel beefche hasn't truly forgiven?

No. A person doesn't need to respond to truly forgive. A response is not necessary. I believe their is a difference between ignoring and not responding. However, a response will also calm a troubled heart. If we truly have forgiven, why withhold a response? True forgiveness is that we ourselves have let go of our anger for the misconduct, or misdeed. If we are no longer angry, why not respond to bring comfort to the person apologizing, that things are OK?

Why is not "ignoring" the apology important, I believe it is this:

The person apologizing deserves to feel also forgiven. I remember one of my home teaching companions sharing an example of forgiveness, and apology. In his youth, he made a decision that affected a family and the livelihood of this family.

When my companion's father found out what he had done, he rushed him over to the other families home and had him apologize. My companion was terrified, he didn't know what was going to happen, or how this father would respond.

When my companion apologized, the father replied, "I can't imagine how difficult this was for you to come to my home and apologize. You have done your part. Now I must do mine." My companion explained to him how much those words meant to him. How much comfort they brought him, and also he learned much more about the strength of character of the man he harmed. I believe this is a great lesson of apology and the acceptance of an apology. Both hearts this day were comforted.

I believe President Hinckley's talk of the teenager and the woman are great examples also. She responded to his sincere apology, even though his actions created a life changing event for her. I believe her response to his actions was more important than the boys apology, for both of them.

Hehe...longer post than intended, but nothing new for me. :)

But, in the end, if you apologize and you never get a response, you must let it go, be perfectly happy about it, not continue to question why they didn't respond, and make absolutely no negative judgements whatsoever about why the person never responded.

Often we must rely wholly on the atonement of Jesus Christ to take away such burdens from us.

Regards,

Finrock

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Good afternoon Anddenex. I hope you have been doing well! :)

But, in the end, if you apologize and you never get a response, you must let it go, be perfectly happy about it, not continue to question why they didn't respond, and make absolutely no negative judgements whatsoever about the person who never responded.

Often we must rely wholly on the atonement of Jesus Christ to take away such burdens from us.

Regards,

Finrock

Yes, I have been doing well. :)

Yes, indeed, should we not receive a response, then after we have done our part we must let it go, and allow the atonement to work in our lives.

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But, in the end, if you apologize and you never get a response, you must let it go, be perfectly happy about it, not continue to question why they didn't respond, and make absolutely no negative judgements whatsoever about why the person never responded.

Often we must rely wholly on the atonement of Jesus Christ to take away such burdens from us.

Regards,

Finrock

Agreed. Awesome post! Thanks :)

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I recently mailed a letter sincerely apologizing to someone. I felt really good after sending the letter. Weeks have passed and I have not received a reply of any type. I knew when I sent the letter I may not get a reply. At the time I did not care if I received a reply or not. Now I wish I had gotten a reply. Personally, I do not ignore apologies. Having my apology ignored led me to wonder if I have been forgiven. I suppose you could forgive someone but ignore their apology. I do consider that poor manners though.

What do you think about forgiveness and ignoring apologies?

Didn't read all the many other replies but this is how I feel about it.

When I first made a Facebook account, I received a Friend Request, accompanied with a message from an ex boyfriend, apologising for what he did. He was physically and emotionally abusive, and the only way out was when my family and some friends arranged a professional intervention to literally get me out of there. I had pretty intense counseling thereafter for about a year. On top of that, my life was still spiraling out of control because of an eating disorder that was worsened whilst I was with him. I was a big mess, nothing hot about it, just a whole lot of mess. Anyway, I was shaken after I had read his message, despite it having been years since we were together. I had just married my husband and immediately told him what had happened. My ex wanted me to respond so that he knew that I had forgiven him. My husband calmed my anxiety and said that I needn't correspond with him. I can let go of my anger and hurt but that doesn't require me to start writing back and forth with him.

What we often forget is that we are not in control of the consequences of our actions. Even if and when we are forgiven, the consequences that follow wrongdoing, are not always pleasant.

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What we often forget is that we are not in control of the consequences of our actions. Even if and when we are forgiven, the consequences that follow wrongdoing, are not always pleasant.

This is how I feel, too. Bini, I identified with, and appreciated, your entire post.

I know people who truly think that to forgive it to go back to exactly the way things were before.

I know somebody who has hurt me deeply throughout my life. Repeatedly I have forgiven, and let this person back in and extended love.

However, each time it becomes a little harder. Each time the mending process takes a little longer.

This is not a spousal abuse situation, and this is not anything of a physical violation.

This is merely old-fashioned, can't-play-nice, want-to-control-the sandbox kind of behavior.

Still, it takes a toll. After the last dust-up, I truly thought that I would never be able to have any kind of relationship with this person, other than bottom-of-the-barrel, basic human kindness sort of stuff.

The "incident" happened on a Saturday night. Bad. Really bad. My husband and I were livid. However, we talked late into the night. We discussed how we would handle the situation. I knelt in prayer that very night and prayed for me, for my husband, and for that other person. My husband and I decided, that night, to forgive and to let it go.

However, over the course of the next two years I was at the mercy of this person's judgement. They (plural, even though I am talking about a person in the singular) accused me of not forgiving, they accused me of hate, they accused me of not being able to let go, they accused me of so many things.

Why?

Simply because I did not immediately act as if all was well.

The consequence for what this person did, could have been more...much more. Yet, the only consequence they received was the lack of a relationship with me. Well, I forgave immediately. I went to church the next morning happy and at peace. I had no stone around my neck.

Why were they now the one offended? I can only imagine because they must have known they were wrong, but their pride was too great to admit it. And when I pulled away, it was a very real and obvious consequence for their actions.

And yet they never apologized. They would use testimony meetings to loft damnation at me through veiled--and not so veiled--lectures on forgiveness and contention. Which only made it worse.

Anyway, I had a heart-to-heart with this person one day. It took all my courage and all the power of the Holy Ghost. I told them with total love and peace that I had forgiven them, but that forgiveness did not equal "bestfriendship". I would not heal on their time-table but my own, and that lofting verbal assaults through the ruse of a "testimony" was not going to make the healing come any quicker. I explained that a lack of relationship DID NOT mean that I had not forgiven, or that I did not love them. It just meant that damage had been done, trust had been violated, and that it would take time to forget and to heal.

Well, I now have a relationship with this person--again. I even invited them (plural, as it includes the spouse as well) to my house for Christmas. That was a big deal.

So, what's my point? ^_^

1. Forgiveness does not equal bestfriendship.

2. Forgiveness does not always (nor should it in certain circumstances) mean that things should go back to exactly as they were before.

3. We cannot assume that just because somebody is not wanting to have the same relationship with us as before that they have not forgiven us.

Star, pray about the matter and follow the Spirit. Maybe this person needs more time to digest your words. Maybe they have forgiven you, but don't know what they next step should be. Maybe they don't want to say anything further, so as not to embarrass you. Maybe they have written a response to you, but are too scared to send it. Maybe they haven't forgiven you yet--in which case, there is nothing you can do.

The answer could be a thousand things. If you followed the Spirit in sending the letter, then you did your part. Now, continue to rely on the Spirit and be patient. You don't know what the next lesson Heavenly Father has in store for you. Hope all turns out well. ~TG

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Consider whether you're apologizing to make the person feel better, or to make yourself feel better. If it's the first, a response shouldn't matter to you so much so long as you know you've done what you can to help them feel better.

I like this line of thinking.

When we apologize, I think sometimes we expect the other person to think and feel like we think they should. But who are we to decide when someone is ready to accept our apology or to decide how they should accept it? I mean healing journeys don't follow coordinated timelines.

I think it also depends on the nature of the offense and the quality of the apology. I've received apologies that covered only the parts the person could cop to....not necessarily what hurt me or why. These types of apologies come from people who didn't take the time to listen to how their behavior affected me. I suppose this could be an innocent omission, but my experience is that the person doesn't really want to face what they did completely so they apologize from a distance.

Other times I've had apologies that were more like defending or excusing themselves, or some that apologize for everything or for nothing. They don't take responsibility for anything at all! These just add salt to the wound.

In the case of the OP, I say that it's hard when others don't receive something we feel is sincere. Who knows what is going on with the person you apologized to. It could be a number of things. But what else can we do but let go and move on.

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