Just a little bummed, but don't know why

[WorthofaSoul]

I know this could go under the missionary thread, but this is a bit more than just a mission problem as this type of dilemma has popped up in other areas of my life as well.

So since I've received my patriarchal blessing I've pretty much felt like one of my purposes in life was to serve a mission (originally this was hesitantly accepted because of my own reasons I didn't really prefer the idea of serving a mission)

So I've always been planning on going when I was 21 and then the missionary age change came about and I was immersed in the new sea of eligible sisters. I was happy, but anxious because I didn't feel prepared/ready, but I thought I should put in my papers in February.

Well, in December I kind of mulled over it briefly and I just kind of got a good feeling about trying to put in my papers as soon as possible. So I pressed forward and despite everything being crazy and doubts over how soon I'd actually be able to get medical appts. etc, everything fell perfectly into place. Without twisting anybody's arm I was able to get medical/church appts all finished within a week and a half of starting them and my papers submitted.

So let's jump forward. I've received my mission call. Yay, right? It arrived it on Thursday but I wasn't able to actually go home and open it until Saturday. During all of that time, I wasn't really emotional/anxious. My coworkers and roommates were actually giving me funny looks and comments and I actually had to try to pretend to be really excited and dying from waiting for it, but in all honesty, I didn't really feel anything.

So Saturday came, my roommates were there, my family was there, I was there, I finally got to hold my envelope and open it. I opened it and immediately once I started reading it I suppose the Spirit hit me because I shook a little bit almost like I was going to cry. I read it and finished and everyone congratulated me and was so excited.

I was in a good mood, but I wasn't overly excited, I told everyone it seemed surreal to me, and I suppose it was true. But over the course of the day and through to today, I just kind of feel empty. I don't really feel excited or happy, not that I really feel negative emotions either, I'm not really anxious or stressed or unhappy.

I feel like the only thing that is making me feel unhappy or sad right now is my lack of happiness or warm fuzzies and excitement. I've tried to make myself happy over it. Logically, it seems like it should be a wonderful mission, I've found my mission president's blog and they seem great and fun. Everyone and their dog has either been there or known people who are there currently and says it's awesome. If it was anyone else I would be congratulating them and would be happy for them, but I feel such a disconnect, like that's not where I'm going. Like my real mission call still has yet to come.

My mom says that she was so excited and she's so glad that I was so excited because she knew beforehand that I was a tad concerned about where I might go, but she knew when I read my call that I felt so relieved and I am so happy.

But I'm not. When having to announce it in church or having people congratulate me and ask me where I'm going (which is nice, I so love and appreciate their support) I just feel kind of numb or almost embarrassed and sick of talking about it and I don't know why.

So what's going on? Logically, there's not much to stress over, no real financial worries and the timing is great and everything seems great and to fall into place. I'm happy to be taking Mission Prep and to be studying Preach My Gospel and talking to other people about their missions. So why now that I've received my call am I not excited or even mildly happy about it?

P.S.: I'm pretty sure this isn't from Satan (he has much more potent methods [depression, anxiety, etc.] that he can use to get me that I have been experiencing off and on and he can sometimes use these feelings of sadness/unhappiness as fuel, but otherwise I'm pretty sure this specifically isn't him)

Edited February 4, 2013 by WorthofaSoul

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Goodness, sometimes it is so hard to deal with these things in writing. If we were sitting down together...with hot chocolate, naturally , would ask you a lot more questions to get some clarification. I'm afraid in writing that might come across more as grilling you, than being supporitve. At the same time, I understand that the anonymity of the internet can be helpful at times.

My couch potato psychology (meaning I have no training but my personal experiences) is to suspect that there is something else going on here. It doesn't seem to me that your amibilence is really about your mission, but something bigger. I mean, I wonder is there ANYTHING in your life that excites you and makes you feel happy right now? Some situations (psychological) or medications, can numb people's feelings.

My other thought is as long as you are not dreading, feeling depressed or anxious about your upcoming mission, then don't beat yourself up for "not feeling the right things." If you were feeling dread, depression or anxiety, I would suggest you talk to your Bishop, or someone close to you. Jumping up and down with joy is not required. :) For your own sake, I would hope that you can find a quiet peace about the whole matter, but cheerleader style enthusiasm is not required. Really.

[rameumptom]

I think you just need to enjoy the ride. Don't worry about your excitement level. Right now, it is just all a blur, and will continue to be so as you go through the MTC. Once you are in the mission and are working, it will feel comfortable to you. If you know that serving a mission right now is the thing to do, then relax and be satisfied in knowing that.

[dahlia]

So where are you going?

A mission is pretty exciting, but not every exciting thing registers with us the same way. As long as you aren't saying that you don't want to go, etc., just enjoy it at whatever level you are feeling at the moment.

[Misshalfway]

Well, I don't know what it is you are feeling, but it sounds like a numbness of sorts. You say you think it might be some depression/anxiety. I like it that you are trying to listen to your gut.

Going on a mission is a very emotional experience that can bring up lots of varied emotions -- emotions that come from within and from our environment.

I'm wondering if it all happened a little too fast for you. Before, you had a couple of years to ponder about it and prepare yourself. Sounds like the age change really compelled you to act, which isn't a bad thing, just muddled things.

I say let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel. Slow down. Maybe don't rush to do the list of preparations like you might in other circumstances. Take your time. Breath. Write in your journal and allow yourself time to process your feelings and to prepare yourself emotionally. It's ok to listen to yourself and to prepare for your mission in your own way and in your own time. Rushing your emotions will most likely produce more anxiety. So lean into your patience instead. It will all be ok if you don't superimpose all those emotional expectations on yourself. Each mission experience is a unique one. Allow yourself to experience it in your unique way by not controlling it so much. In the process, you may learn a lot about yourself.

Best wishes.