Help Making Wife Happy

[batman16]

I know it seems I seek more help on these boards then offer advice, but I would really appreciate anyone's opinion in the matter.

I know I am not the perfect husband but I am constantly striving to make my wife happy. I am at the most peace in my life when I know she is happy. I always ask her what I can do to make her happy, or be better or anything. Sometimes she tells me what I can do, other times she says I'm perfect, yet what ever I do generally doesn't have much influence in her overall happiness.

Currently my form of work makes a small amount of income monthly but most of my income relies upon receiving free lance type jobs where I make a good sum of money, but its hard to know when those will come. After finding out the large fee of taxes we would have to pay and our current financial situation she is really stressed. She also is having a really hard time getting along with her coworkers where she works.

I have been trying to do everything to reassure here, do cute things for here like bringing her flowers at work, doing chores around the apartment so its clean when she gets home, ultimately she appreciates the gestures but only temporarily. Her stress is to the point where I can't even communicate properly with her, she is so closed off and our relationship is struggling because of it. I finally managed to talk to her about it and asked her maybe if we focused on our relationship she wouldn't worry about the other things so much, but she made it clear that its hard for her to worry about our relationship right now when there are so many other problems in her life.

I think the other thing that bothers her is my personality is very worry free. I always have a positive outlook on life, the things we have and how much worse off we could be in life. I think she's bothered that I'm not stressing out or worried like she is. So right now the only thing causing me grief in life is the fact that she isn't happy and no matter what I do, unless I made lots of money (easier said then done) it seems I can't make her happy.

I have thought about marriage counseling but am worried she will refuse, partly because we don't have the money right now, and money seems to be more important to her right now anyways.

We have been married for over 6 months and its been kind of like this the whole time, only recently its gotten extreme where she will hardly talk to me days on end, only basic communication to get things done.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do more, or not do or just anything to help our relationship at this point? Thanks to anyone interested in replying.

[skippy740]

This advice is coming from a divorced man, so take it for what it's worth.

Happiness is a choice.

No one can make you feel [happy] without your consent. (A twist on the Eleanor Roosevelt quote.)

Ever tried to cheer someone up who was intent on being miserable? It kinda looks and feels like trying to get a baby to laugh. It just doesn't work on adults.

You both need to show empathy towards each other... and that involves going down into each other's hell and walking along side each other and sharing the pain of the journey. At the same time, since you're the lighter personality, it'll be up to you to bring the sunshine, humor and joy into the relationship and bring some bright spots to the journey.

Also, there is probably a good balance between the two of you... but maybe you need to be a little more serious and she needs to lighten up a little. If you're both too far on the opposite sides, it can be annoying and irritating. But if you show more of a serious side, and if she can lighten up... it'll go a long way to show that you both care about each other's needs, wants and priorities.

Just my initial thoughts.

If you feel that you need counseling, talk to your Bishop.

[Just_A_Guy]

Just_A_Girl tells me that studies show women have a much deeper need than men do to have a steady, predictable monthly income. If that's the case, you may need to think about a career shift.

[pam]

Just_A_Girl tells me that studies show women have a much deeper need than men do to have a steady, predictable monthly income. If that's the case, you may need to think about a career shift.

And this girl would agree. :)

[CalledToServe]

I'll tell you a story about myself. I don't know if it will apply to you; I'll leave that up to you to figure out.

After the birth of my fourth baby, my husband suddenly seemed totally uninterested in sex. After a month or two, I was really starting to worry about it. We were friendly to each other--a little too friendly. I felt like I was living with a roommate. I didn't know what was wrong because I was in the same shape I had been after all my other babies and he hadn't had a problem then.

One day I was praying and the Lord told me I needed to show my husband love--that he was feeling unloved. I had no idea how to do that, so I asked my husband how I could show him more love. He said things like, clean up the house, fix meals, etc. Well, that didn't help me at all because I was already doing those things to the best of my ability and couldn't do them any better (sort of like you and making money). Besides, when I did do those things better, they never seemed to really make a difference to him. So I went back to the Lord.

The Lord told me to smile at my husband every time he came home and not complain about anything. I was in the habit of telling him about all the things that had gone wrong that day, looking for a sympathetic ear. I was often out of sorts because of something the kids had done so he got a scowly complaining wife to greet him when he got home every night.

I did as the Lord asked. When he walked in, I smiled, no matter what. And it didn't matter what the kids did, I didn't say a word about it to him. I recall one day one of the kids pooped diarrhea all over the rubber mat in our hallway and while cleaning it up, I discovered that under the mat it was moldy and gross. I had to clean up the whole mess and it was totally gross. Of course he walked in the door the moment I finished cleaning. But I smiled and didn't say a word.

I can't even tell you the effect it had on our marriage. It was like being newlyweds all over again. I remember one day a month or two after I started my smiling campaign that he was already late leaving for work but didn't want to leave because he was too busy kissing me. But he wasn't the only one that changed. I found that I didn't feel the need to complain to him about everything that went wrong anymore. I was happier too, just knowing that I was making him happy.

There was a time a while later when he did the same thing to me. It didn't last too long, maybe a week or so, but I got to experience the same effect that perhaps my smiling had on him. It was a huge stress relief to have him smiling at me whenever I saw him. When I saw his smile, I didn't have to worry about whether or not he was upset over anything or whether I was going to have to deal with a cranky husband.

Unfortunately our good times didn't last forever. We are struggling with a lot of other problems right now. But I thought I would share that great learning experience I had. It might help your wife, too. You never know.

[Smeagums]

In response to the two posters above, everyone has needs and wants them to be met. If two people truly love each other they would support each other NO MATTER the circumstances. A man wants a steady income no more or less than a women. In fact what man doesn't want to provide for his family with a steady income? If you are meeting the needs, not wants, you are fulfilling your obligation as a man.

That aside, I hope for one she just gets nervous and isn't money hungry. I find that many LDS people believe if they aren't wealthy or if a wife's husband isn't a doctor or some other prestigious profession than they aren't blessed.

I can relate though to your wife being nervous about finances. My wife and I do pretty well in that we have extra income to help pay down debt each month. She will be working less as our first baby comes in August which does make me a little nervous.

To summarize, if she is just nervous tell her to relax. You guys are newlyweds! Someone will always be there to help. You have too many good days ahead of you to be worrying each day. Tell her that it is normal to struggle at first. :)

If she just wants more money because she wants things, I can't help you. Happiness will never come from a dollar bill (paper promises). Happiness comes in loving, family relationships and helping others.

Best of luck to you and your wife.

Edited February 11, 2013 by Smeagums

[mrmarklin]

Most self employed people I know have a savings account to ride out the ups and downs in their lives.:)

Start a savings account with the $$ you can save from the consulting. When that account gets to a decent level her anxiety will be much mitigated.

PS She had to have know about this before your marraige, so what's the big deal now???

[EarlJibbs]

If you cannot afford counceling and you both agree that it would help, talk to your Bishop. He should be able to direct you to LDS family services and help with the costs.

Did your wife come from a family that did not have money issues? that may have something to do with it.

[EarlJibbs]

That aside, I hope for one she just gets nervous and isn't money hungry. I find that many LDS people believe if they aren't wealthy or if a wife's husband isn't a doctor or some other prestigious profession than they aren't blessed.

Not sure where the "many LDS people" you are around are from...

[MorningStar]

Nothing stresses me out more than not being able to predict our income or afford the things that we need. Which one of you does the bills? I have done it from the beginning of our marriage and one month I handed the checkbook to my husband and said, "I can't handle this anymore. I'm tired of having panic attacks when I go grocery shopping, wondering if I will have to put food back after the cashier scans it." He wasn't seeing what I was seeing, but it was an eye opening experience when he took over the bills for the month. He said, "I don't get it! Where does the money go?" When I would call him and tell him to be careful about our spending, he wasn't really hearing me, but that helped him. Do you do the bills or sit down together with her?

Another huge stress is not having health insurance. Do you guys have that? That's another huge stress factor for me. I also look far into the future. We have been looking at buying a house for years, but I'm thinking about the appliances that are going to break, the roof that needs to be replaced, added utilities, what happens when we have another child and we lose my income, etc.

If work is sporadic for you, can you get at least a part-time job that would be consistent?

[Apricotpopcorn]

My husband and I were in the exact same boat the first year we got married... (except we talked about it a lot - I couldn't help but vent!) I was always the worry-wart and he was always the happy-go-lucky one. We were both still studying and struggling with finances. We were getting to the point where we had to dig into our meager savings (from before we got married) to pay for bills and groceries, and I found myself constantly worrying and stressing about it all. My husband not worrying about it only made it more frustrating for me because I felt that it was his responsibility to provide for the family and to worry about finances (I knew this probably wasn't the right thing to think but that's just how I felt).

The only thing that made me feel slightly better was seeing that he was being as frugal and working as much as possible. When I saw that he was doing his best, I felt that I couldn't justify being upset with him. Maybe once your wife sees your're doing your best to earn and to save money, she'll feel that you care, even tho you may not necessarily worry as much as she does.

All the best!

[Smeagums]

Not sure where the "many LDS people" you are around are from...

Mesa, Arizona.