My Wife Just Told Me She Never Loved Me

[Cairopax]

My wife of two years confided in me that she never loved me. She told me that over the past two years she has been trying to find love for me but she has been unsuccessful. I love my wife so much, but I'm just numb right now. How could the person that I love most in this world do this to me? She says she still wants to work on our marriage and that she truely appreciates everything I do for her, but she still doesn't love me. I just don know where to go from here. I want to work through this with her, but at the same time I feel betrayed and used. I also don't know how to act. Do I still tell her that I love her? Can I still kiss and cuddle with her? Do we still sleep in the same bed? Do I act like nothin has happened? I just have no idea how to cope with this.

[Dravin]

Do I still tell her that I love her? Can I still kiss and cuddle with her? Do we still sleep in the same bed?

Those are questions best asked of her rather than us.

Do I act like nothin has happened?

No. She's stated she wants to keep working on your marriage, and assuming you want this to be the case, ignoring the issue won't help with that.

[Irishcolleen]

My wife of two years confided in me that she never loved me. She told me that over the past two years she has been trying to find love for me but she has been unsuccessful. I love my wife so much, but I'm just numb right now. How could the person that I love most in this world do this to me? She says she still wants to work on our marriage and that she truely appreciates everything I do for her, but she still doesn't love me. I just don know where to go from here. I want to work through this with her, but at the same time I feel betrayed and used. I also don't know how to act. Do I still tell her that I love her? Can I still kiss and cuddle with her? Do we still sleep in the same bed? Do I act like nothin has happened? I just have no idea how to cope with this.

Oh, I am soooo sorry! I will be praying for the two of you. It's good she still wants to work on your marriage. Love is an action as well as an emotion. I firmly believe if we go through the actions of love in 1 Cor. 13 the feelings of love will follow.

Fight for her love!!! Kiss her, cuddle her, sleep in the same bed, wash the dishes, do whatever you can to show her love. Be interested in her. Show her you have her best interests at heart, even if she doesn't reciprocate. Pray this trial will strengthen your marriage.

Please keep us up to date so we will know how to pray.

[Sunshine_Lily]

I agree with Irishcolleen - we often forget that love isn't something that "just happens", but really Love is a verb, its an action which bonds us to others around us. Continue to love her and work on your marriage together. She must have atleast had some feelings for you if she decided to marry you - start with the basics. Go on dates, get to know her, do little things for her. Show her that you really care for her.

I hope you two can work this out and create a marriage both of you want together. Please keep us posted on how things are going.

Edited February 18, 2013 by Sunshine_Lily

[Jennarator]

I am sorry. This is a hard thing to take. My ex husband did this after 10 years. It's something you don't forget. It's time to get some counseling. At least for you.

[Wingnut]

I would clarify, honestly. It's possible that she's just disillusioned now that the honeymoon period is over. She might love you, but just doesn't find herself in love with you, which is fine.

[Gwen]

Start dating and serving each other. Read books like the 5 love languages and apply what you learn together.

I am curious, did you ask why she married you if there is no love? Why does she want to work on the marriage? How has she "been trying to find love"?

I think a lot of ppl take a passive approach to love. We feel love but we also show love. Many think they have to feel before they can show. We can have love for someone but we also feel love from them. Let's say you read the book love languages and you learn/speak her language. In the end that won't make her feel love for you. All it does is allow you to show love to her and for her to feel love from you. You will most likely grow to love her more doing those things for her. If she wants to feel love for you then she needs to also do her part in speaking your language and show you. That's when her feelings will start to change. She can't sit around and wait for the feelings to come before she does anything. You will never be able to do enough to make her feel love for you.

I'm not saying this to try and discourage you. It's to remind you that you can only own what is yours to control (showing her love and feeling love for her). Don't get caught in the way of thinking of "if only I was good enough she would love me". You can't make someone love you (you can influence). That's up to her. Also to let you know she needs to own what she can control (showing you love and feeling love for you). She has to do something. She can't sit around and wait for you to "make her love you". It won't work because you don't own that. The world likes to switch things up and try to tell us that we are responsible for their love.

If you don't fall for the world's beliefs then you should be able to work things out.

Good Luck.

[estradling75]

My wife of two years confided in me that she never loved me. She told me that over the past two years she has been trying to find love for me but she has been unsuccessful. I love my wife so much, but I'm just numb right now. How could the person that I love most in this world do this to me? She says she still wants to work on our marriage and that she truely appreciates everything I do for her, but she still doesn't love me. I just don know where to go from here. I want to work through this with her, but at the same time I feel betrayed and used. I also don't know how to act. Do I still tell her that I love her? Can I still kiss and cuddle with her? Do we still sleep in the same bed? Do I act like nothin has happened? I just have no idea how to cope with this.

Cairopax I am not going to answer the questions you ask because they are better asked you your wife and because I don't think that is really what you want/need to hear and know right now.

I think you posted because you are looking for a way through this and you hope someone has some insight or something that can help you. I could be wrong but that is the assumption that I am going to work under. Also while this is clearly a two person problem you are the only one here so what I say will be directed to you. Because she isn't here to talk to.

So lets hit some fundamentals. Hollywood teaches that after marriage comes the 'happily ever after.' Many in the church do a form of this in the form of 'Hey I did everything I was supposed to so why isn't this just working? Why isn't the Lord fixing this?' The high divorce rate shows that Hollywood gets it wrong and in this life at least the Lord's reward for work well done is more work.

So remove from your thoughts the idea that this marriage should be easy or without issues because it is not. But it can be worked through if you are both willing to work at it.

Next up is Love... Many think that love must show up as a powerful emotion. The scriptures teach us differently. The scriptures teach us that true love is an action.

When your wife said that she didn't love you and that she never did. I am sure she meant it. Just as sure as I am that she is hurting and confused. Therefore her expression may be more about the hurting, confusion and lack of understanding then a literal expression of fact. Lets look at her actions... She dated you, she married you, and for the last two years she has done everything she can think of to fix the marriage so it would work like she thinks it should. Those (especially that last one) are acts of love. So don't count it out yet. I would hope that as you begin looking you will see other acts she has done to counter the literal form of what she is telling you.

People in general have a problem with communication. The greater the differences the greater the difficulty. There are few things so profoundly different then that between man and woman. And yet we get married and expect our spouse to just understand and meet our needs and that it should just happen. That is a crack up waiting to happen.

Since we've reached communication point let me attempt to translate what you hear your wife literally saying to what she most likely really means. (yes I am a guy I realize the risks of tiring to understand women).. "I married you two years ago hoping that we would grow together in love like all the stories and even real life stories I might have heard. I wanted it, I desired it, I worked for it. I felt that if I did everything I could to meet your needs then my needs would also be met. For two years I have tried this and it has failed. My needs are not met, I am tired, I am frustrated, I don't know what else to do. All I know is I can't take much more."

My translation is probably no less painful to hear then what you literally heard. The difference is that it offers you a hook and a potential way forward to fix it.

Gwen already offered the 5 love languages as a way to figure out what your wife needs. I like it I think it is good, but ultimately you need to figure out what needs your wife has that isn't being filled and then fill it in a way she recognizes (not the way you would have it done). This might be as easy as sitting down and asking her but more then likely you guys are going to need to work together and get help were needed. (Like the five Love languages site or even a professional)

[Truth12]

You need to get more clarification of what she said. If she never loved you, why did she marry you? If she wants to work things out then perhaps there really is some love there that just needs to be exercised. She may not be able to recognize what love really is, she might have some fantasy idea rather than reality. I would suggest finding a good marriage therapist to help identify the real issues and build on the relationship. With that said, some women marry for the sake of getting married and never love their husbands. Some have no self love and therefore are incapable of loving someone else. In these cases, divorce may be the best option so you both can find someone that does love you. Find a good therapist and get clarity now, if you don't you may find yourself in a bigger mess years later.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Cairopax I am not going to answer the questions you ask because they are better asked you your wife and because I don't think that is really what you want/need to hear and know right now.

I think you posted because you are looking for a way through this and you hope someone has some insight or something that can help you.

Ditto.

I don't have anything to add to what has already been said. I particularly agree with therapy, for both of you if possible, for just you if not.

Other than that I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened. How painful this must be for you.

[Dove]

Cairopax;

Do you have children? If not, I might suggest that you Run!!

I say this because I know that "loving" someone isn't a feeling; it's a choice. A choice to serve, be kind and Christlike to the object of one's love.

Be careful. If she doesn't love you and has married you, perhaps this says something about her character. Don't let her use you in the sense of taking what she can from you loving her but remaining uncommitted by saying she doesn't love you. That's really not fair.

There is a difference between being "in love" (more like infatuation, to me) and the endurance of "loving" someone. The first is more based in lust (IMO) and the second in the pure love of Christ....

You have said that you love her dearly. I would step way back and assess the whole situation. I don't know what in the world she was trying to achieve by telling you she didn't love you, yet still wanted to work on the marriage. That just seems so destructive. If she really wanted the marriage to work, why lay her lack of "love" at your doorstep to feel bad about? Her not loving you is her problem. It's your problem to if she's just using you for her comfort.

I may be wrong. Maybe she's too young to realise that loving you is her choice; not an inborn thing. I don't know.....

This is just my .02 cents worth.

Dove

[BenRaines]

President Spencer W. Kimball said that if you took two people who had never met and they were willing to serve each other in marriage that love would develop.

I believe that many are confused by romantic love shown in movies and described in books and do not understand that "True Love" comes from serving each other.

My .02 cents.

Ben Raines

[pam]

The key there is that both have to be willing. Not all one sided.

[Vort]

I believe that many are confused by romantic love shown in movies and described in books and do not understand that "True Love" comes from serving each other.

You are pronouncing your Rs wrong. They should be pronounced like Ws.

[Jennarator]

You are pronouncing your Rs wrong. They should be pronounced like Ws.

Now I have The Princess Bride going through my head! :)

[bytor2112]

If I were 24 and didn't have children....I would divorce and find someone that would love me.

[mnn727]

I would want your wife to define what she believes love is.

To me love is what happens between the Lust.

If something happened to my wife or myself and we could never have sex again, I would still love her because of what we share together, our lives, dreams, hopes, everything we do -- that's love. We hold hands a lot while watching TV, we enjoy doing things together, being together, that's love.

I am wondering what your wife thinks love is.

A very smart person told me a marriage is not 50/50, it has to be 100/100, both people must always be trying all the time to make it work.

I wish you well.

Edited February 20, 2013 by mnn727

[Hie_to_Kolob]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that line is a dead ringer sign that your wife is either having an affair, emotional or sexual, or she is contemplating it. Now I could be wrong but I'd investigate and gather evidence and then confront her once you have proven evidence. Hopefully I am wrong but having experienced the raw end of infidelity twice Ill bet she's having some form of affair or at least contemplating it to utter those words. Its a tell take sign of cheating.

[Roseslipper]

oops i didnt notice Im a month behind here. so I do hope that you and your wife are working on each of your problems hers, yours, and both of yours, hoping that it will work out for the best of you both. I sent a prayer your way...

[Magus]

I would clarify, honestly. It's possible that she's just disillusioned now that the honeymoon period is over. She might love you, but just doesn't find herself in love with you, which is fine.

Yeah - makes me wonder if the wife knows what "love" really is?

The thrilling romantic feelings of "in love" seem like something often dependent on circumstances that bring those feelings out. When the honeymoon period is over, it's harder to feel those same feelings - but they can certainly be brought out again under the right conditions, especially if you actually do love the person. I don't think anyone feels the "in love" feelings on a constant basis over the course of a marriage. If anyone does, they might only be in romance novels or works of fiction.

[BenRaines]

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew. One of my top 5 favorite movies. With my children I must have seen this 50 times. My favorite quote and I use it often is "As you wish". My wife loves it.

Ben Raines

[pam]

It's amazing how many can quote from The Princess Bride. :)