Hi. I'm new and struggling in my marriage

christinagriffith04 · February 28, 2013

I was hoping to get some advice.

Everywhere I see quotes and advice given about how 2 people are to work together to have a happy home life. It seems so depressing to me. Here is my situation...

My husband and I have been married for about 6 years. We have a 6 yr old, 3 yr old, and almost 2 year old with one on the way in October. We also have 2 older children from a previous relationship that do not live with us.

He works full time, while I stay at home with the kids. Most of the time, I manage and try to stay on top of feedings, changings, dishes, cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping, bill paying and so on. All while living in a small house and not getting any assistance other than financial from him.

Recently with this new pregnancy, I have been really run down and sick. I should mention I am in my later 30's. My husband constantly complains about the house and the kids, yet doesn't help me, even if I ask and yes I ask nicely most of the time!

I am feeling so frustrated and depressed about my situation. He believes that because he works all day, he should not be expected to come home and do it all for me!

I have had past issues of abuse, from him, but I keep staying here to be a mother to my children, and try to be a good wife and housekeeper. I left briefly to stay at a woman's shelter but came back after he made some changes and promised to become active in the church and assured me that becoming temple worthy and sealing our family together in the temple was what he desired. Now that I am back, he has quit going to church altogether and again puts me down often.

Now, I am trying to decide whether to find an apartment, or go to a shelter, even though I hated leaving my home, get a job, even though I have no skills or training to find one that will pay for my daycare, I could go back to school, but then I wonder how all of this will affect the children.

I feel like I have prayed for guidance and inspiration to know what to do, but I am in a fog in my mind and cannot get out of this sickness, depression, and feel confindent about my decisions.

Thanks for reading this. Writing it down helps.

I just know that I cannot live like this.

EarlJibbs · February 28, 2013

I am sorry for your situation Christina. I for one have never been the "I work all day so you do everything else" person and I am a full time working Man. I do not see it as right. After all, being a stay at home Mother is a full time job as well. And when do Mothers get a break? When is their time to "leave the job?"

But it sounds like the root of the problem is the verbal abuse? Is there physical abuse as well? If you can work through it and he can change his behavior, then that is the best of course, but there should be no reason you have to live like that. We dont sign up for a lot of things in marrage, but we do sign up with the hope that we as couples can work together, and it doesnt seem like that is happening. If you are staying in an abusive relationship for your children... that may not be the best reasoning. They need a good influence so they do not follow in his footsteps in my opinion.

christinagriffith04 · February 28, 2013

Thanks for your input. It is refreshing to hear a male perspective. I used to work full time and when I was a single parent with my oldest two, I worked full time and was responsible for the rest.

He does put me down as far as being a crappy housekeeper, and so on. A few weeks ago, he started chucking canned items off the kitchen counter into the living room and hit me with one. I was pretty set on leaving until he apologized and gave his reasons.

I do worry about the decisions I make and how they will affect our children. We have 2 daughters that I hope would marry someone more supportive and loving, and have a son that I hope treats his wife like the daughter of a King!

I just wish I had some peace of mind really. I am so afraid of making the wrong choice that it is hard to make one!

And we did try the counseling route, but he cancelled half of them and never did the assigned homework.

ZionsRodeVos · February 28, 2013

Christina,

You are in a tough situation very difficult indeed. I'm Robert, divorced, and have custody of my four children. It was very difficult for me to decide to initiate a separation that I was sure would lead to divorce and I worried a lot about how this would affect my children. I tried for years to make changes and to get my children's mom to change but she wouldn't and obviously the changes I made were not enough.

I also was the type of guy that would help out some in the house after work and on weekends and even tried to give my children's mom a break from the children to help her.

Keep praying even if it takes a while to get an answer. While praying and waiting consider your options and if they may include separating then you need to prepare for that possibility. The good thing or bad thing about preparing for a separation/divorce is that most likely means you will separate/divorce your husband so consider that well before planning for that possibility.

You have said that you are pregnant and run down and sick. It sounds to me like this is a perfect time for your husband to not complain about how well the house is kept clean and to clean it himself. Many men, and I include myself, don't realize fully how much their wife does and probably won't until they have to do it themselves. I got a clearer picture once I separated as I then had to do a lot more and still work full time.

If you would feel comfortable with this idea, go visit family for a day or two and leave him at the house with one or two of the older children, he may just learn to appreciate all that you do in your home.

If you are not already asking your 6 year old to help out, I suggest you ask him/her to help out. At 6 years old there are things he/she can do to help out that won't be over burdensome.

idahommie · February 28, 2013

Women should not stay in abusive relationships. Throwing canned goods at you, and making contact is abuse, actually I'd call it assault. Do not allow your children to grow up and witness this type of behavior.

My father told my wife when we married that if I were to ever lay a hand on her in an aggressive manner he would personally shoot me. I'll tell my son the same thing.

Women are to be cherished. Sorry for saying this , but why would you go back to him, and have more kids even? I wish you the best.

MorningStar · February 28, 2013

Personally, I do not feel people should stay for the children in abusive situations. It does a lot more damage than good. Children I know who are exposed to domestic violence have serious issues and they are more at risk of being abusive in the future because they never learned proper coping skills.

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. Please seek some professional help to get you through it.

Jennarator · February 28, 2013

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I know what it is like to take someone back when they promise to change. I've done it. After they were gone for a year....he was better for a little while then slid back into old habits. Please get some help. Some shelters offer counseling. If not they know where to go. Take to your bishop.

I hate to say this, but it might be time to move on. See the counselor first, get all your ducks in a row, and have a plan. Best wishes to you! I'm praying for you.

christinagriffith04 · February 28, 2013

Please don't judge me because I chose to go back to my home. It was really hard living in a group home with 3 small children who missed their dad. It was hard to have people always telling me what marriages are sacred and the children need a family and my own son told me, I was turning my back on a temple sealing for my family.

I had a friend take me in for a few days before I could get into the shelter and I'm so thankful for friends that will help me.

I have had friends who now won't speak to me because I chose to go back. I feel like no matter what I do, I upset somebody!

MorningStar · February 28, 2013

Please don't judge me because I chose to go back to my home. It was really hard living in a group home with 3 small children who missed their dad. It was hard to have people always telling me what marriages are sacred and the children need a family and my own son told me, I was turning my back on a temple sealing for my family.
I had a friend take me in for a few days before I could get into the shelter and I'm so thankful for friends that will help me.
I have had friends who now won't speak to me because I chose to go back. I feel like no matter what I do, I upset somebody!

That would be really hard. If you know what Heavenly Father is telling you to do, then make the decision and try your best to ignore everyone else. We all make decisions that not everyone likes. Prayers for you.

mrmarklin · March 1, 2013

Go to the shelter, and stay there until you can be on your own again. You married a loser.

Don't worry what others think. You have a duty to protect your children.

christinagriffith04 · March 1, 2013

I want to say thank you to those who posted and those who said a silent prayer for me.

Since posting this I can say I have really felt a renewed sense of confidence, purpose, and have tried to look at things in a genuine way, as they are really are, as opposed to how I think they should be...

I am making a plan of action today, setting some plans in motion, which include seeking some counseling from experts, staying positive and focused and most of all to remain sensitive to any prompting received from the Holy spirit as I go about making some positive changes in my life.

I am starting today.

Misshalfway · March 4, 2013

Have you thought about therapy for yourself? I'd say couples therapy but my guess is your husband wouldn't hear of it.

Here's a book you might try...

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evens.

ADoyle90815 · March 5, 2013

I know leaving an abusive marriage is extremely hard, and that often, people do go back because it really is difficult. One thing leaving will do is teach your daughters that they should never tolerate abuse, and it will lessen their chances of ending up with an abusive spouse. Keep making your plan, and know that prayers are being sent your way.

mnn727 · March 8, 2013

A few weeks ago, he started chucking canned items off the kitchen counter into the living room and hit me with one. I was pretty set on leaving until he apologized and gave his reasons.

Sorry, but there is never a valid reason to throw things, unless you're playing baseball or a similar game.

To throw something like a can and hit the person you are supposed to love and take care of is inexcusable.

I am not sure why some women stay in a situation like that for as long as many of them do. If I ever did that my wife would be gone in an instant(and I wouldn't blame her a bit).

hbrdba · March 27, 2013

Standards and Relationships work great, but when standards and relationships are in conflict you have a choice to make.

Do I hold on to the relationship or the standard. Either will result in pain. If you hold to the relationship with this behavior you will have a never ending gut ache, just like you have now, did I say, never ending gut ache! If you hod to your standard, you will have a gut ache, but it will not be for ever.

Your standard will always attract the relationships you want in life. Is it your standard to put up with his behavior? No! you have a different standard because you have concerns. Your relationship is headed for a disaster!

YOU HAVE TO CHOSE BETWEEN THE TWO. Will you hold to the standard or the relationship. By following this policy it will create the following on both sides: Commitment, accountability, responsibility, integrity, and self respect. That's on both side, it's not one sided.

DUMP HIM, create your list of standards. If you hold on to this relationship your heart ache will remain with you.

I've used this post of mine in other areas, its fitting for every issue we face in Standards and Relationships work great, but when standards and relationships are in conflict you have a choice to make.