Boyfriend having 2nd thoughts about mission..

[MarlaGrrl]

To keep this short and sweet,

My boyfriend has been called to serve a mission and is due to report to the MTC in a week. buthe recently realized that he is only going because that's what his family wants him to do and not because it's what he wants, or believes in. Basically he has come to the ultimate conclusion that he shouldn't leave.

I'm not a member of the church but I love him to death and I want to make sure he makes the right decision and doesn't regret anything looking back. I don't think it's right for someone to devote 2 years of their life to something they don't believe in (or practice at times). But he is an amazing person and I think he could really help people, if that's what he decides to do.

Currently, he just wants to leave a note explaining things to his family and leave for a couple days (I don't know how that will go over considering he has pretty strict parents). I think he should at least go try it and if he hates it he can come home.

I just want what's best for him and I will support him no matter what he decides to do. I don't want my personal wants/beliefs to have any affect what so ever on his decision. So I just wanted to see if people had any advice as to what to say to him to help him through this. Also because I'm not a member and not familiar with what goes in the church I was wondering what this would mean for him within in the church? Are there repercussions to just not going once you've been called?

Any other advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you. (:

[annewandering]

How reluctant is he to leave you for two years?

[Vort]

He should not leave a note. If he doesn't want to go, he should simply tell his parents and bishop he doesn't want to go.

If he holds the Priesthood, full-time missionary service is his duty to God. Serving a mission because you think God expects it of you so you should do it is perfectly acceptable -- not ideal, but acceptable. Serving a mission because you don't want to disappoint your parents is pretty marginal. I suggest your boyfriend start acting like the man he legally is and make some tough, adult-level choices about how he wants to include service to God in his life.

[Roseslipper]

Going on a mission is voluntary. you might ask him why he doesnt want to go on a mission, what made him change his mind? If its because of you, thats not a good reason member gf or not member gf. If thats the reason tell him to go! but if its other reasons, find out talk with him tell him to be honest with you maybe u guys can work it out together. If hes feeling forced to go, by parents he should talk with them,maybe he's not ready. Good luck to the both of you. Also he should talk with his Bishop and he needs to do something like ASAP NOW even Tonight if possible times runing out...

He is very lucky to have such a caring gf like you. they leave as boys on their mission and come back as men. It really is the best thing for him, but there has to be reason why he's feeling like this AGAIN THE BEST THING FOR HIMIS TO CALL HIS BISHOP EVEN TONIGHT!!

Edited April 2, 2013 by Roseslipper

[Praetorian_Brow]

There is a stigma again'st the men who have not gone on a mission and I have noticed that it appears on a regular basis as people share their competitive stories in some kind of strange bid to determine social pecking order. For a Mormon boy, serving a mission is a coming of age ritual and there is serious social pressure to volunteer and a lot go, simply because its expected.

There is always time to reconsider as I am sure he hasn't neared his best before date. The mission life provides an opportunity to exponentially grow spiritually, as well it provides a place to strengthen self confidence, so it has its rewards. If he is miserable about the decision now, the stress of mission life will only enhance his misery. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is listening to your own heart and ignoring everyone's expectations or "advice", even when its from family.

[Backroads]

As the girlfriend, you have a lot of influence. Of course, you can't make the decision for him (nor does it sound like you want to). However, you can remind him that he has, more or less, made a choice to be a part of the LDS Church, and that choice includes certain responsibilities. Encourage him to step up the plate on either side: he either owns up to his membership in the Church and goes on a mission, or he takes a more manly approach to choosing not to serve. Don't nag him, by any means, but remind him of his choices.

[Anddenex]

What I find laudable about your post is that as a non-member you are actually encouraging and supportive of him serving a mission. This is one of the greatest aspects of love and kindness, seeking the happiness of others more than your personal desire.

I would be more interested with the two of you and your relationship. The question I ask, are not meant to be answered, they are for you to ponder and for you to understand.

As a non-member I do not know your moral standards. Has your relationship been intimate, in any form sexually (again, not to be answered but for reflection)? If so, before he leaves on a mission he will need to express these issues before his bishop. I knew of a few young man who didn't want to serve because they didn't want to confess any sins. This could also be a reason for his lack of desire to go.

If not, then I applaud to the two of you. If he doesn't serve a mission, he will be loosing out on two years of maturity and growth like no other experience. A mission will be as good as his heart is into the mission. Some missionaries start out, "because my parents want me to." However, when they begin to serve, and actually recognize they are there to serve, the mission begins to take on a whole new light.

The desiderate to honor his parents is a worthy reason to serve a mission, however, in order for him to experience spiritual growth, he will have to transition from a desire to honor parents to a desire of "I love God, and because I love God, I will serve him." This is when the mission becomes insightful and full of spiritual blessings.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Marla, you sound like a wonderful girlfriend. I love that you make "what is best for him" a priority.

It is hard to say what is going on for your boyfriend. Some young men do go simply because of their parents expectations, and I think that is a mistake. They do not serve the Lord well. I was a missionary too, and I've worked with some of those guys...

I also remember though that after I started the process of going and people started asking me about it, I started to panic...kind of like the "cold feet" that you hear about people getting before getting married. In that sense what he is feeling is normal.

Leaving a note and disappearing for a few days is...forgive me for being so blunt....a cowardly way to do it if he does decide not to go. They may be strict, they may even be too strict for all I know, but what he can control is his own behavior, and he needs to handle this in a grown-up manner to be the kind of man YOU can respect.

He needs to sit down and have a mature conversation with his parents and his Bishop. I would guess that they will have all sorts of questions, and yes, they will likely try to talk him into going, but they won't force him. They can't force him he is an adult.

Ultimately, the decision to go or not to go should be between him and the Lord....so that is what I would encourage you to tell him...he needs to make the decision based on what he feels the Lord wants him to do, and not on what he feels his Bishop, his parents, or you would want.

Again, I think you sound like a great girl, I hope my boy's will date level-headed girls like you when they come home from their missions.

[Guest Godless]

Your boyfriend is in a very difficult situation. I know because I've been in his shoes more or less (never turned in my papers, but my parents all but filled out the forms for me). If he truly doesn't have faith in the church or the gospel, then going on a mission isn't going to help anyone. He'll just be miserable for two years. If he stays, he'll have to face his parents. There's absolutely no way around that.

Bottom line, he needs to figure out what's best for him at this point. It sounds selfish, but the missionaries that make a difference in the field are the ones who want to be there. If he truly doesn't want to make that commitment, then maybe he shouldn't go. He would only be a burden on his mission president and companions. And it's very likely that his feelings towards the church would become more negative than they are now.

Obviously, I don't know exactly where he stands with his testimony. Maybe he still has faith in the Church, but isn't ready for a mission. Maybe he needs time to do some soul-searching and prepare for a mission on his own terms. Whatever the case is, do your best to be supportive. He's under a tremendous amount of pressure right now. I suspect he needs someone right now who will support him regardless of what he decides to do.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Godless
typo

[Mute]

Hi MarlaGrrl,

I don't know what state you're from or how his family is exactly other than what you said. Strict. There are no repercussions to not going except possibly regret if that is something he partly wants to do. It is possible his friends or family may judge him or treat him badly but I don't know them well enough to say. From what you've said, you won't. So that is one awesome support he will have in any decision he makes. I know there are all sorts of members of the church. Some will judge. Others will not and be a friend to you. The ones that will judge are not worth caring about the opinions of anyways. God wouldn't attack someone or try to make them feel guilty for not doing something they do not want to do. I firmly believe that. He knows what your boyfriend is going through. He would be understanding. Don't let someone else pressure him into making a decision he doesn't want to. If he goes, it should be for God and no one else and no one else should have a say or opinion in it. It has to be his choice. Be supportive as you have been and I know it will work out for you.

If you are a Christian, I'd encourage you to pray about it as well as your boyfriend to see if that is what he wants to do. I'd encourage you both to pray for understanding to know what is right and the best choice to make as well as encouragement to do it. I'd honestly ignore what you hear from most others unless you trust them and trust their advice. A random stranger is just that. Random. A random stranger online is often much worse. I never went on a mission. I removed my name from the church instead. Not going was the right choice for me. I truly believe that. Now, I'm strongly considering getting re-baptized. I already finished the missionary discussions etc. I'm not doing it for anyone else. What others think and say does not matter. Honestly, I'd never seek for personal advice in an online forum but I'm doing the best I can to help you out. The best advice I can give you is for the two of you to pray about it and do what you feel is right. I'd take everything you hear from most people you don't know or don't fully trust with a large grain of salt. Sometimes an enormous grain of salt. I'd even take what you know from those you trust with a small one. Do what you personally feel is right and trust that and go with it. Ignore what everyone else says. If they're not supportive, then don't pay them any attention. I sincerely hope that helps you.

Just wanted to add one other thing. In the almost two years I've lived in Utah, some people have been pushy towards me with religious beliefs but most people have been very respectful. You'll always have the jerks that are disrespectful or pushy but in the area I live most have not been that way with me. You'll see a lot more pushy/judging people on these forums than you will in person I bet. Anyways, that's my two cents.

Edited April 3, 2013 by Mute

[pooter1]

He should not leave a note. If he doesn't want to go, he should simply tell his parents and bishop he doesn't want to go.

If he holds the Priesthood, full-time missionary service is his duty to God. Serving a mission because you think God expects it of you so you should do it is perfectly acceptable -- not ideal, but acceptable. Serving a mission because you don't want to disappoint your parents is pretty marginal. I suggest your boyfriend start acting like the man he legally is and make some tough, adult-level choices about how he wants to include service to God in his life.

Hope my son doesn't read this.You can still serve God and not go on a mission.My son had to come home because he had anxiety and simply did not want to serve a mission. Had friend who's son committed suicide because he did not want to go on a mission. My sons mission president told him to not feel guilty about going home that there were other ways he could serve God. He feels a lot of guilt but even when I ask him today if he regrets his decision he say no. Just my 2 cents.