I need help with one of my "Best Friends"

[Guest Dalbinder101]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so angry at my friend right now. We've been friends for 6 years but within the last year or so our friendship has very much deteriorated.

I met her when I was 16 and she was 13 almost 14. I almost immediately felt an attraction. We began talking a lot and i soon developed feelings for her. Well I couldnt really do much because she wasn't 16 quite yet and would not date so i just sat on those feelings for a while, She found out of course but never told me or brought it up, doesnt really matter.

3 years later, before i left for my mission i told her how i felt. We met up somewhere and i just laid it all out. It took forever for her to get back to me, and she never actually did until i was out in the mission field 3 or 4 months later. I had to literally ask her how she felt towards me. Well she friend zoned me; but she told me she loved me as a friend and that i was really one of her best friends, and that was that. I knew there wasn't much i could do at that time.

2 years later i come home and i still have those feelings. Well i think, "2 years is a long time, why not just start slow and ask her on a date?" So 3 months after i get home i ask her on a date and she said she would go. We had trouble finding a date to work and the weeks started to role by without anything happening, but me always working on trying to find a day.

One day i finally just ask her if she knew of a day at all that she would be able to go. She said she wasn't sure but maybe sometime in the next week. Well 2 days later she gives a talk in Sacrament meeting and I see a guy from another ward in our ward listening. (He too is a friend of mine) well i thought that was kind of odd, and then later that night i found out that they were dating.

Well this was the first major thing i am really angry about. She told me she would go on a date with me, knowing how much i like her, and she is already dating some other guy. What the heck is with that?

Well that was it for me i was so mad at her that i left and started attending the YSA branch. We start to not talk much and infact begin to kind of drift away. But we still talk and she was in one of my classes at University.

Well October comes and the announcement comes that women can serve younger now so she decides to go on a mission. Which i thought was really awesome. Well she left for her mission (in Vanuatu) almost 3 months ago. When she left, she didnt really say goodbye to me, and second of all she hasn't written me once. Normally i would write first but i'm tired of always writing first its time for her to write first. But the fact that we have been friends for SIX YEARS and she never said goodbye really pissed me off. I am over her. I no longer have feelings for her but i can't get passed this hurt, and anger i feel towards her.

I have a letter written to her that i've been tempting to send to her. It basically has all this but much much more (there are a lot of things she did to me that are in that letter) I call it my angry letter because you can tell by reading it i am super angry at her. Some of me wants to send the letter because it could help me fully put everything behind me, but then some of me doesnt want to send it because i don't want to hurt her. (Yeah i still care about her well being) So yeah i have no idea.

Sorry for the long post.

[selek]

So....what you're saying is that you pinned all your romantic hopes on a girl who told you two years ago that she wasn't interested in you.

You flatly brushed off what she told you then, pursued her despite a not-so-subtle brush-off (and the knowledge that she was romantically involved with another man).

...and it's all HER fault that you're angry, hurt, and upset?

May I politely suggest that the fault lies in front of your bathroom mirror?

Yes- sending the letter will probably make you feel better.

It will also harm your friendship, distract from her mission, and make you look like a colossal jerk (and no, I don't need any competition in that category).

I suggest you burn the letter, soak your head, and forget your romantic fantasies about winning this girl over.

It ain't gonna happen.

Better to move on before she decides she needs a restraining order...

Edited April 9, 2013 by selek

[Guest Dalbinder101]

I didn't "brush" it off, I had every intention of moving on when i got home but i stepped off that plane and saw her at the airport, all my feelings came back. I tried to fight them but i couldn't but like i said, two years is a long time, maybe things have changed. I've heard of many stories of girls changing their minds after a guy gets home from their mission.

I'm not mad at her for saying no to a date. I am mad that she said yes and then, never fulfilled and then started dating somebody else. Why not just tell me something was happening with this other guy? But she led me on and then let me find out on my own about this other guy. I'm mad she said yes to a date she knew would never happen.

But she always refers to me as her best friend and then she doesnt say goodbye? How is that MY fault???

Is there fault with me? yes of course. But she still did things that i feel are her fault.

I've been debating that letter because yes, i know it will distract from her mission and that frankly is the biggest factor in me not sending it right now, i dont want her to be distracted. and yes i am a little worried about our friendship but as i've been thinking about it, i have no idea how our friendship will be able to continue in the next couple of years... so what is there to lose?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Dalbinder,

I'm sorry you are hurting. The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself...of course you still have feelings for her. You would not be feeling such pain and anger still if you were truly over her.

I am also sorry to tell you that it seems clear from what you wrote here that she does not have feelings for you. It is hard to tell someone that cares for you that you don't feel the same way. It seems she did try to tell you, but you continued to pursue her hoping she would change her mind.

Do not send the letter. Writing it was fine, it is good for you to have an outlet for your feelings...but she's on a mission, don't bother her with this while she should be focusing on serving the Lord.

Pray that your own heart will be changed. I know you are hurting and I am sorry for that, but I do not think there is anyway that things will work out with this girl. You need to move on. Pray for help to do that.

Put your friendship with her on hold. You don't need to write to her...that is only keeping your painful wound open. Stop writing her, and look around at some other girls.

You can do this. Let her go. You deserve someone who will love YOU. She doesn't. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think it was a bad call on her part to meet you at the airport. She shouldn't lead you on that way. You deserve better.

I've been debating that letter because yes, i know it will distract from her mission and that frankly is the biggest factor in me not sending it right now, i dont want her to be distracted. and yes i am a little worried about our friendship but as i've been thinking about it, i have no idea how our friendship will be able to continue in the next couple of years... so what is there to lose?

Your focus is all wrong here...at this time the main issue is not your "friendship"...it is her mission. Go ahead and send her the letter if you want to guarantee that she will not want anything to do with you.

Please try an experiment...stop writing her...let her be the one wondering about the relationship for a change. Stop chasing her. See what happens. And while you are waiting--look for someone else.

If things are meant to be, they will work out (though that does not seem likely to me)...otherwise you are only continuing your own pain by not accepting the truth. It's seems she just not that into you.

[Guest Dalbinder101]

I havent written her. Franky we havent spoken since she left almost 3 months ago and even then we didnt really talk. We havent really had a "good conversation" since a few days before Christmas. I've decided i would not write her until she writes me... And i agree with you. Her mission is important. I don't want to distract her from her mission. I want her to be a good missionary and to stay focused. But i almost feel like my feelings for her (yeah ok i admit there are still some feelings there although they are not nearly as strong as they use to be) and my now resentment are what is stopping me from dating other girls. I want to date other girls but... i just...i don't know i just dont know. I cant explain it it's i can't find the words...

[Guest Dalbinder101]

and i know she's not into me. I know we will never ever be together. I know all of that.

[selek]

I didn't "brush" it off, I had every intention of moving on when i got home but i stepped off that plane and saw her at the airport, all my feelings came back. I tried to fight them but i couldn't but like i said, two years is a long time, maybe things have changed. I've heard of many stories of girls changing their minds after a guy gets home from their mission.

So, that's a "yes"- you deliberately pursued her despite her stated lack of romantic interest in you.

Instead of taking "no" for an answer, you hoped you'd wear down her resistance and win her over despite her stated desires.

I'm not mad at her for saying no to a date. I am mad that she said yes and then, never fulfilled and then started dating somebody else.

This is a legitimate gripe, except for the fact that 1) you don't know whether it was a "date" date or just a polite brush off or whether she was already involved with the other fellow when she said "yes".

In either case, the fact that she didn't follow through was a less-than-subtle hint that you chose to ignore.

Why not just tell me something was happening with this other guy?

As a father of four teenage daughters, I would guesstimate that it was probably because 1) she didn't want to hurt or upset you, 2) didn't want a confrontation a/o scene, and 3) probably hoped that you'd be mature enough to take a less-than-subtle hint.

Would it have been better had she flatly reiterated at the outset that she still wasn't interested? Certainly.

Would you have listened? Or would you have just brushed her desires and opinions aside again?

But she led me on

Really? How? According to your narrative, the only thing this girl did that might have generated any degree of false hope was agree to go on a date with you.

Did she tell you that she might reconsider her feelings for you?

Did she tell you that she considered you anything other than a friend?

Or were you so fixated that you seized on any straw, no matter how thin-and-tattered to keep your flailing dream alive?

I'm mad she said yes to a date she knew would never happen.

This is, in my opinion, the only legitimate gripe you've got against this girl.

And if your characterization of your friendship is accurate, I can understand why she chose to try and spare your feelings with a polite brush off instead of the flat "no" you deserved.

But she always refers to me as her best friend and then she doesnt say goodbye? How is that MY fault???

I want to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it honestly.

What would that goodbye have looked like, in your mind? A simple parting between friends? Or a romantic, last-ditch protestation of your undying love in front of her friends and family?

The girl was already avoiding you because you couldn't take a hint.

Why then should she gamble the peace, joy, and bitter-sweet tears of her last moments with friends and family on the faint hope that you wouldn't make a scene?

Is there fault with me? yes of course. But she still did things that i feel are her fault.

The girl told you before you left that she wasn't interested in you romantically. Unless she told you differently upon your return, the fault is yours for trying to plant corn in a marked field of landmines.

I've been debating that letter because yes, i know it will distract from her mission and that frankly is the biggest factor in me not sending it right now, i dont want her to be distracted. and yes i am a little worried about our friendship but as i've been thinking about it, i have no idea how our friendship will be able to continue in the next couple of years... so what is there to lose?

Aside from any shred of chivalry, decency, or common courtesy left to you? Why, nothing at all.

Let's put it another way:

The only possible outcome of this letter is to hurt her, upset her, and distract her from her sacred mission.

You claim to care about this girl.

Can you still make that claim if you set out to deliberately wound her?

[selek]

and i know she's not into me. I know we will never ever be together. I know all of that.

Sure.

But you haven't given up hope, now, have you? Not really.

I'll be blunt: I've been there (in many ways I still am).

I've been pursuing my ex-wife off-and-on for the last decade (we've been divorced longer than we were married).

It's extraordinarily hard to actually give up hope.

The difference in our two cases (from everything you've told us) is that my love interest reciprocates my feelings (at least until she begins to wonder again which one of us is crazy, that is).

The bottom line is this: despite every common sense reason not to, you hung all your hopes on a girl who doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

And now you're hurt, and you're angry- not because she misled you or led you on, but because she just won't reciprocate your feelings.

There are only two reasons for you to send that letter: 1) to punish her for not loving you, or, 2) to "jolt" her into realizing she can't live without you.

Both are a losing proposition.

I wish you luck in the future, but sending the letter- and NOT moving on to others will only bring discredit upon you.

It will NOT get you what you want.

Edited April 9, 2013 by selek

[Guest Dalbinder101]

Like i said, I have heard many stories of missionaries returning home and girls, who had had no feelings for them before their mission suddenly see them differently and they end up giving them a chance.

secondly, when i asked her on a date when i got home i went in fully expecting her to say no, i had prepared myself for a no and was expecting to get the "just friends talk" again. But when she said she would go it caught me completely off guard. Had she said no would i have been sad? yeah i would have been, but you know what i would have moved on because i would have been able to realize that it wasn't going to happen. I'm not saying it would have happened right away, but eventually i would have been able to move on. Her saying yes, then not following through, HOW can that be a hint that she isn't interested. She wasn't making up excuses, our schedules could literally not synch up.

She could have told me about the other guy. I agree with you on your first two points as to why she didnt but the third one is ridiculous. If it was a hint, then it was a terrible hint and in no way does it make me immature to not take it. And you know what, i would have listened a lot more than the first time why? Because the first time there was no guy. This time there was. Would i have been hurt and or sad? Yes of course but i would have found a way to move on.

How did she lead me on? She sent me letters on my mission that said stuff like, "Talking to you always makes me feel better" and before she sent me the letter that told me she only loved me as a friend she wrote a letter that said, "I got really sad when i realized you were going to be gone for two years, i will really miss you! I'll be thinking and praying for you more than i probably realize!" Well this letter came in between my first time telling her how i felt and her "just a friend letter" so i felt that was kind of a lead on because i was still waiting on a response from her on how she felt towards me.

[FunkyTown]

Selek is one hundred percent correct.

I have some advice for you:

I'm guessing that you're a little bit shy, deal poorly with rejection and don't date an awful lot. This isn't a value judgment, it's just an observation based on what you've said.

The issue isn't with her: It's with you. She simply wasn't in to you, and you got what is commonly known as 'One-itis'. This is not her fault. She didn't want to hurt you by saying, "Dal? I am not attracted to you in any way, shape or form. Please stop trying to ask me out."

I know you probably would have preferred that. Most guys do. But she was, in women-speak, very clear that her intentions weren't with you.

You kept pursuing her. This resulted in her avoiding you because you made her feel bad for not being attracted to you. This made you angry. And now you want to take this girl, whom you have made feel self-conscious and bad for years now, to feel terrible when she's on her mission. And you think it's her fault.

You have two options now:

1) Angrily strike out at this girl. It will make you a worse person. You will not feel better. You will have learned nothing and two years from now, you will be in the same situation as you don't know what women want in a man. You will continually self-sabotage, which will drive away women, which will make you more angry, which will make you self-sabotage more, which will drive away women.

2) You can learn from this. In this case, you will have been rejected. Every guy has been rejected. It's part of growing up, knowing that you can't have everything you want. It will teach you that you need to change your behavior to be attractive. It may even open up your mind to finding a woman who actually reciprocates your feelings, which is pretty darn awesome.

It's up to you. You're going to do what you're going to do. I'd suggest that you man up and think about the consequences, though, because if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

[Wingnut]

I gotta say, you sound a little creepy. Okay, more than a little. It sounds like you're friends with her (or you think you are), but she's not friends with you. It actually sounds like she really wants nothing to do with you at all. All those times she said, "yes" but then things never quite came together? She said yes to get you off her back.

[Windseeker]

You sound very much in your own head.

This girl owes you nothing, leave her alone. Move on.

If I was her Mission President and I found you had sent her such a letter, I’d be in contact with your Bishop and parents.

It’s unfortunate that you spent 2 years preaching the Atonement and yet have no idea what real love is.

And for heavens sake and especially for the sake of your progeny get some help..as in therapy.

[Anddenex]

The male and female interaction is all the more confusing when we apply different personalities and different fears.

She seemed to make it pretty clear that she wants to be your friend. From the outside, I see a woman who loves you as a friend, she wants to be your friends, however it appears you may be interpreting her decisions through your own heart and mind and not hers. This is where the problem lies...I think (take it for what it is worth).

She may say "yes" because she loves you as a friend, and then she realizes, "wait...is he asking me because he romantically has his heart set on me?" As she ponders this she may desire not to lead you on so she ignores her "yes" thinking it is better for her not to lead you on.

Friends meet each other at the airport, this doesn't mean they are romantically inclined in your direction and it doesn't mean she lead you on. I see a young man who really likes a young girl and is willing to interpret the kindnesses of her heart, as "love signs," which they are not.

The moment you loose your romantic inclination toward her, the moment you will see she will be more open with you. Yes, when a woman says, "I love you as my best friend." This does NOT mean, "I love you as my future husband, my best friend."

If you know, you will never be together, then please allow your heart to move on, make this choice so that you may recognize other women the Lord would like you to get to know. This is never easy.

[elizabeththomas]

I feel for you here. I very much dislike when people can't just be honest about their feelings. While I do feel like she should have been honest with you from the beginning, I also think you are on the right track in getting the hint and letting her go. I know that is a lot easier said than done. I went to a therapist once and he suggested a help for the anger. He said to write your letter in all your anger...get everything out. But then say a prayer, burn the letter and give it to God. You could even shred it, put it in a balloon and watch it float to heaven. It's ok to have the feelings you have, but it's your decision on whether you will let them eat you alive or not. I'm not saying I'm good at this...I am actually really struggling with this right now. Anyway, good luck!

[Guest]

She sounds a lot like me at that age. When a guy was pursuing me and I wasn't interested, I'd do those things, thinking I was saving his pride and letting him down gently. I would have gone to the airport to show that I still liked and respected you enough to be a friend. I would have thought I was being nice. I always thought I was being nice. Of course now I know that I was not being nice, I was leading them on, however unintentionally. When she went on her mission, it sounds like things had died down. She was probably so focused on getting to her mission that she didn't think about needing to seek out someone who used to chase her to say goodbye. She didn't handle it the best way she could have, and someday she'll probably look back and realize that, but her heart and mind were likely exactly where a missionary's should be. Forgive her, and yourself, and move on.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Eowyn

[mdfxdb]

This boils down to a misunderstanding of what "friendship" is between a boy and a girl. In her mind always you were just "friends". That never changed at all, ever. In your mind there was potential for more.

You cannot be her "friend".

Common mistake girls make is they "friend zone" guys, and then think those guys just want to be their "friends". This is incorrect, guy never really want to be friends.

That being said, you need to get over your one-itis. Leave the poor girl alone, don't send the letter. Ignore the previous comments about thearpy/you don't understand the atonement. You are hurt, justifiably or not you are hurt, but you need to get over it. Don't get over it by hurting someone else.

[Canuck Mormon]

I suggest you write the letter. Pour your feelings into it. Say what you need to say.

Then burn the letter and move on.

[Windseeker]

Yeah, you should probably ignore what I said, because frankly I probably took this a little too personally and I apologize.

This hit a little close to home because this just happened with my own daughter and I'm dealing with the other end of the story. Where she feels this enormous amount of guilt for "leading a guy on" when I know she didn't. She came to me many times for advice on what to say to be clear because she likes him as a friend but he was being relentless and wasn't getting it. All she is guilty of is simply accepting his friendship and enjoyed being friends and hanging out. This guy friend (non-member) decided to place this guilt on her (saying she lead him on) when she made it clear and on many occasions that they are just friends. I think it's wrong to make girls feel this way. This guilt can lead girls down the wrong path and I just don't think it's necessary in this case and my daughters case.

I understand how you feel though; I think we have all been thru heartache. I'm a little surprised that it carried on so long but that could just be your inexperience. In the times it happened with me I moved on quickly and every time I did the girl would come back for me and I would just explain that I'm just not built for friendship with girls, my heart just doesn't work that way and I wish them a happy future. I would never blame them for leading me on though no matter how hurt I was. Again, I just don't think that is fair or kind.

I wish you the best though. Become the person you want to marry. Be confident in yourself and enjoy and make the most of this stage of your life and you will find someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

[Praetorian_Brow]

I feel your pain man, I really do. My bestfriend, who is a return missionary, treated me like a ping pong for four years and what do people conclude, but it must be my fault as I am not the Mr. Mormon that is so desired. Even more sad, is that she manipulated the situation in such a way so that it appears that I am the one at fault for all of it and she appears to be an angel. Regardless, I love her deeply, my heart burns that warm fire when I think about her and every email, chat ding, text and phone call, my heart jumps thinking its her.

Most of your angst is self induced, even with her failings to be direct. I know so many women who avoid confrontation or direct honesty as they seem to prefer to have their cake and eat it too. There is much cruelty in believing that you have someones best interests at heart, while manipulating the situation. Women hints are designed for women. Logic will not sway her either, so don't waste your time.

A lot of women are not worth the chase, because believe me, if she is the type, you aren't the only one in those shoes. Look around, go on a date and blab all about your angst about this one to another one and you will be surprised at who actually cares enough to listen.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Praetorian_Brow

[Suzie]

How did she lead me on? She sent me letters on my mission that said stuff like, "Talking to you always makes me feel better" and before she sent me the letter that told me she only loved me as a friend she wrote a letter that said, "I got really sad when i realized you were going to be gone for two years, i will really miss you! I'll be thinking and praying for you more than i probably realize!

I tell those things to my sister.

Based on what you wrote in your OP, I don't think she misled you. As a matter of fact, I thought she cared lots about you as a friend and she did not want to hurt your feelings by directly spelling out: "You know what? I am not interested in you in that way". She was hoping you would "get it" but you didn't and that's why you are heartbroken.

[FunkyTown]

A lot of women are not worth the chase, because believe me, if she is the type, you aren't the only one in those shoes. Look around, go on a date and blab all about your angst about this one to another one and you will be surprised at who actually cares enough to listen.

Please. Please don't. Please do not bad-mouth a girl you had a crush on to a new date.

There is absolutely nothing less attractive than this.

[MorningStar]

So she told you from the beginning that she only liked you as a friend? And you thought time time would change it?

When you asked her out, she probably thought you understood it would be as two friends hanging out, but then it became apparent that you wanted more, so she avoided you because she was uncomfortable and didn't want to have that conversation again.

[Hyena]

Love, to me, is one of the greatest, and simultaneously cruelest, gifts bestowed on us by Heavenly Father. On one hand it seems we have the agency to choose whom to give our love to, but in regards to whom we actually fall in love with, there seems to be very little agency at all.

I understand how some of the advice by well meaning friends here is meant to have yours and hers best interest at heart. But in ways I also think that sometimes people forget what it is to be laid low by unrequited love. We seldom get to choose whom we love and contrary to popular belief, feelings of love can't simply be transfered to someone else on a whim. The heart wants what the heart wants, and for some of us there can and will be no one else... in this life or perhaps even the next.

I think there is also a lesson here on the responsibility of being direct with people. True kindness is not sparing someone's feelings from being hurt by refusing to acknowledge the truth. She should have told him straight out that friends were all they would ever be. How difficult is that to do really? If she was afraid of losing a dear friend, then that speaks to a.) her own selfishness that she'd put HER needs above his, and b.) that there was no trust or faith in the friendship on her end, that she would assume that by being honest and true with him would result in him not treating her with the same kindness in return.

Often I feel that women in general have a difficult time with candor in affairs of the heart. Men are pretty much straight forward and blunt in their affections and desires, but women tend to be more secretive and coy, and refrain from any type of direct and open confrontations on the subject. ALL of this poor soul's problems could have been prevented had she simply been honest and upfront about the status of their friendship from the jump instead of playing "maybe, maybe not" games.

I guess I sympathize with him because I live in a similar situation. I have been in love firmly with the same woman for the past four years. I have made efforts to reveal my feelings and in ways she somewhat responded. I have told her I love her and she has responded in kind. But when I suggest a possible relationship, she's given me really cryptic responses. When I finally in frustration said why don't you just tell me yes or no and that it means we'll never be together then. Her response was, and I quote, "Never say never. None of us knows what the future holds." Really? Great, sure that's definitely not giving someone hope, right?

Of course it really matters not whether she gives me hope or not because I decided long ago it would be her or no one. Seeing as it appears it will never be her, I've settled confidently on a life of humanitarian service and devotion to the church. I have no regrets. Some of the greatest loves in history have been unrequited. I will use those feelings and channel them into great works of love in the name of Jesus. What could be a more fitting tribute? I harbor no ill feelings, I wish her the best. I just know that no one will ever take her place in my heart and I'm fine with that. I don't need to date or search for someone else or force myself to try to love another or stalk her around begging and pleading. I will be here if and when she ever needs me because I love her and I care about her no matter what the nature of our relationship is.

That is my suggestion to you, sir. Take that love you feel and refocus it. Put it into your work like you did on your mission. Give yourself completely over to God and follow the teachings of Christ and your life will be much more fulfilling in ways no woman could ever hope to match. If you truly ever loved her, and I know this is cliche', but then love her enough to let her go. Love her enough to be happy that she has found happiness and purpose in life. Pray to Heavenly Father for the strength to be a better man and thank Him for letting you know the experience of real true love. Find solace in that your heart was capable of such a beautiful gift as the gift of love. And realize your own great worth.

With love,

your Brother,

Hyena

[beefche]

To the single men:

Women are rarely direct. Because the clues they give are so apparent to other women, they get positive reinforcement from other women that their signals are "direct."

You can be sure that if a woman says she thinks of you as a good friend, or you have always been a good friend, or she says yes to your offer of a date after just telling you those things, she is not interested in you.

To all the single girls:

Please learn to be more direct. Seriously, it will help you in your dating life and more importantly in your married life. You can still be a kind person while being direct.