Help! Husband had affair with friend in ward!


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I am REALLY struggling to find anyone out there that has experienced this and want to know what you did about it.

8 months ago, it was revealed to me that my husband had a 1 month emotional affair that began to cross into the physical when they ended it. But they claim that they "fell in love" and he basically stayed for the kids. The woman he had this affair with has been one of my closest friends in the ward for THREE years and her husband has been one of my husbands closest friends. Our kids have played, our families have been friends for 3 years. I can see the back of their house out of my back windows.

It has already been made clear that we will never be friends again and that our kids will never play again. I want NO contact with them at all. Both of us are working on our marriages, etc, but we both are unable to move at the moment. We planned to live in this house until we grew old. After 8 months, we are going to be ok...my husband came out of whatever dark cloud he was in and admits the whole thing was so stupid and he loves me.

I am triggered EVERY SUNDAY when I see her or her family at church. The trauma of it all has been too much and I can't even focus on anything spiritual while I'm there. I can tell I'm falling apart.

My husband doesn't think moving is the answer and I wanted to CHANGE WARDS, but he said he'd rather stop going to church than go through the awkwardness of telling people we are new in the ward, but don't live in their boundaries. But I feel so strongly that if I could be separated completely from them then I could start to heal easier.

No one in the ward knows except the bishop and it drives me mad that I can't tell my other friends what is wrong with me and what SHE did to me!!!!!!! I want to get out of here, but I am stuck!! :(

What would you do????

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Edited by skippy740
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Sometimes moving is the answer. I wouldn't think the environment (ward) is something I would want to bring up 6 kids in. But that's just me.

I'm in a ward with a family where the wife had several emotional affairs and then left the husband. The husband then married a young adult who attended the same ward and is 20 years younger, the wife is married to a supportive non-member and they regularly sit with each other during sacrament meeting and also have holidays at each others home. Somehow it's all working out and no one left the ward.

Edited by Windseeker
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I know of two situations where the exact same thing happened and both times it was in my brother's ward with people he and his wife were close to. With the most recent situation, his wife was best friends with the cheating wife and she lives next door. Being disloyal is the worst thing you could ever do to my brother, so he could hardly stand to look at his wife's friend anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

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I have seen very similar occurrences a number of times in my counseling office (kind of sad that this sort of thing happens to members in the same ward all over the country). The best time to make a big decision is when you are able to be logical and rational. Making a big decision when you are flooded with emotions is rarely going to bring about the outcome you really desire.

The best thing that you can do is to strive hard to work on your marriage. Draw closer to God, and allow him to be part of your marriage. Seek out counseling for you and your husband (maybe individual and marriage counseling). Once the emotions have calmed down, and you feel like you are progressing, then you can think about big decisions like moving or changing wards.

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I realize that this probably happens more than I can see...but those people are hard to find because most likely if the marriage is to work, they are staying under the radar, like I am.

That's the thing. The first day I found out the other woman said she would move if needed. but then she talked to the bishop and he said what you said...not to make a big decision while the emotions are still high.

So, it's been 8 months and I feel like everything has settled and I am STILL having a terrible time of it. So I have tried talking to my husband about moving, but it's a big fat NO, not even "let's think about it". So not only am I resentful towards my husband for doing what he did and making stay here with the reminders every day, but I am resentful towards the bishop for not just letting them go when they were going to!!

We are doing counseling and we are working on our marriage and I think WE will be ok. But I, on the other hand am not. I refuse to think that I should have to live in this ward for the rest of my life, alongside the woman who seduced my husband and wanted to run away with him. Let her seek forgiveness and move on with her life...people make mistakes...that is fine. But should I have to have her in my face for the rest of my life? All I want is to have distance

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Elizabeth, I know it's difficult and I can't presume to know what you're feeling. Just one question: Can you likewise envision being her neighbor in the Celestial Kingdom? Christ descended below us all. Healing cannot begin without forgiveness. If the Lord is able to forgive (whom He will forgive), ought we all not to forgive as well? If you cannot put this on the altar of sacrifice, can you expect the Savior to forgive you of your trespasses and be worthy of Him? I know what I say is easier said than done, but I've walked my own paths so I know from experience that this is a must. Best wishes and good luck on your journey to find peace.

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I refuse to think that I should have to live in this ward for the rest of my life, alongside the woman who seduced my husband and wanted to run away with him.

I am not trying to be insensitive (forgive me if I sound like it, I really do not wish to do so) but I don't think she placed a gun on your husband's head and told him to have an affair with her or else she will shoot him. He WILLINGLY participated.

Let her seek forgiveness and move on with her life...people make mistakes...that is fine. But should I have to have her in my face for the rest of my life? All I want is to have distance

Her husband could be saying the same thing about you guys, no?. Why is it that THEY have to move? I know your husband doesn't wish to move, but they also have the same right.

In my opinion, the issue here is not with the lady in question, the issue here is not with them. The issue here is ONLY with your husband. Whatever the lady and her husband decide to do is their right.

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I would do whatever it takes to protect my family. I agree that you shouldn't have to live with reminders of his infidelity the rest of your life. My opinion is probably unpopular, but I believe that as long as they see each other regularly, they are reminded too, and two families are at risk. Someone needs to move.

I also personally have little faith in the effectiveness of most marriage counseling. My advice is to go to marriagebuilders.com and read the articles and forums about recovering from an affair. Their program has a much higher success rate than marriage counseling for actually saving marriages. I would bet that the first advice you would get is that this woman should be completely our of the picture. In no way should she be any part of your life, including seeing her (and she and your dh seeing each other) at church. You might as well put an alcoholic in a bar every Sunday.

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Look, I KNOW my husband is as much to blame. But my anger is channeling towards HER because I am trying to save my marriage. I BEGGED and BEGGED to move. I BEGGED to change wards and he will not. So do I end my marriage or threaten to leave with the kids if he doesn't do one of these things for me (and probably have him resent ME for the rest of our lives) or I just take it and deal with it and PRAY that they will end up moving sometime in the near future.

To forgive her doesn't mean I need to be nice to her and be her friend again. But you can research online and find that with an affair, comes TRAUMA...and it is double the trauma, not only from my husband, but the betrayal of a close friend and I am having trouble healing from this when there are triggers (reminders) around every corner and the biggest one of all is at church every Sunday ( a place where I should be able to not think about her and find peace). And so all I'm saying is that I am STRUGGLING with moving forward with the reminders there all the time.

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Look, I KNOW my husband is as much to blame. But my anger is channeling towards HER because I am trying to save my marriage. I BEGGED and BEGGED to move. I BEGGED to change wards and he will not. So do I end my marriage or threaten to leave with the kids if he doesn't do one of these things for me (and probably have him resent ME for the rest of our lives) or I just take it and deal with it and PRAY that they will end up moving sometime in the near future.

To forgive her doesn't mean I need to be nice to her and be her friend again. But you can research online and find that with an affair, comes TRAUMA...and it is double the trauma, not only from my husband, but the betrayal of a close friend and I am having trouble healing from this when there are triggers (reminders) around every corner and the biggest one of all is at church every Sunday ( a place where I should be able to not think about her and find peace). And so all I'm saying is that I am STRUGGLING with moving forward with the reminders there all the time.

Skalen has good advice. Its really really hard to lay our heartache at Christ's feet. But unless you do, no matter now far you move away, you will always hold the resentment. Forgiveness is not for your husband and its not for your neighbor....Its for You! Let Christ heal your heart. Ask Him to heal your heart. Place it all in His hands and trust Him.

You might find yourself surprised at the results in a few short months.

Moving doesn't fix things. When we move we take our problems with us. Yes she's in your face and every time you see her it brings the emotions back, but there are other triggers that you might not be recognizing.

Before you insist on moving ask Christ to help you forgive.

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I find it odd that he would rather not go to church then move. It sounds like he really is dead set on staying.

I agree with sk, but perhaps with time and space you will find the strength to forgive her and your husband.

But it doesn't sound like it's impossible to move it’s just not convenient and your husband ought to place your happiness above his own if he is truly repentant.

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Look, I KNOW my husband is as much to blame. But my anger is channeling towards HER because I am trying to save my marriage. I BEGGED and BEGGED to move. I BEGGED to change wards and he will not. So do I end my marriage or threaten to leave with the kids if he doesn't do one of these things for me (and probably have him resent ME for the rest of our lives) or I just take it and deal with it and PRAY that they will end up moving sometime in the near future.

When it comes to a decision for divorce/separation you need to decide on what hill you are going to plant your flag and fight your battle. Is the above quote that hill? Are you willing to threaten divorce if he doesn't move? And more importantly are you ready to follow through with that threat? If it isn't real, then it doesn't count.

It's a tough decision. If it were me I would insist on moving. As a man I wouldn't want the reminder thrown in my face every Sunday. It would make me contemplate a feloney on a weekly basis.

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I am REALLY struggling to find anyone out there that has experienced this and want to know what you did about it.

8 months ago, it was revealed to me that my husband had a 1 month emotional affair that began to cross into the physical when they ended it. But they claim that they "fell in love" and he basically stayed for the kids. The woman he had this affair with has been one of my closest friends in the ward for THREE years and her husband has been one of my husbands closest friends. Our kids have played, our families have been friends for 3 years. I can see the back of their house out of my back windows.

It has already been made clear that we will never be friends again and that our kids will never play again. I want NO contact with them at all. Both of us are working on our marriages, etc, but we both are unable to move at the moment. We planned to live in this house until we grew old. After 8 months, we are going to be ok...my husband came out of whatever dark cloud he was in and admits the whole thing was so stupid and he loves me.

I am triggered EVERY SUNDAY when I see her or her family at church. The trauma of it all has been too much and I can't even focus on anything spiritual while I'm there. I can tell I'm falling apart.

My husband doesn't think moving is the answer and I wanted to CHANGE WARDS, but he said he'd rather stop going to church than go through the awkwardness of telling people we are new in the ward, but don't live in their boundaries. But I feel so strongly that if I could be separated completely from them then I could start to heal easier.

No one in the ward knows except the bishop and it drives me mad that I can't tell my other friends what is wrong with me and what SHE did to me!!!!!!! I want to get out of here, but I am stuck!! :(

What would you do????

[Moderator removed link]

Sounds like he is still thinking about himself and his pride. He would rather go inactive than potentially have someone find out why he moved? I'm so sorry he might get embarrassed because of HIS choices.

The marriage builders has already been mentioned (I'll second it, the book is "his needs her needs") and if I recall correctly he says that the way men form attachments to women that cutting off all contact is the only way to truly move on from an affair without a relapse. Sunday might be a trigger for you but more importantly it might also be a trigger for him (even down the road).

Have you figured out "why" he had the affair..... don't think I'm blaming you, he owns that choice.... but we stray because of unmet needs (often it's because we never communicated the need to begin with, you can't meet a need you didn't know about). If you aren't working on that, for both of your needs, then you won't really move on. I think you need to stay with counseling but also get the book and incorporate the principles.

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...

It has already been made clear that we will never be friends again and that our kids will never play again. I want NO contact with them at all. Both of us are working on our marriages, etc, but we both are unable to move at the moment. We planned to live in this house until we grew old. After 8 months, we are going to be ok...my husband came out of whatever dark cloud he was in and admits the whole thing was so stupid and he loves me.

...

With the questions I raise, I do not mean to minimize the pain and suffering you are experiencing which I can tell by your words is great, but also keep in mind the sudden decision that your children are not allowed to play with their children is impacting them. Have you considered how your children feel? Or how baffled they might be if they don't know why they are not allowed to play together anymore? Has it been 8 months since they have played with the children from the other family? Have you noticed if they still talk to those children at church?

I hope you can find peace and more happiness than you have now and that you are able to resolve all the problems associated with the events you have described in this thread. Remember that your Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to overcome all this and He is there to help you.

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It is hard to convey feelings over the internet, so let me start by saying that my heart aches for you. I know someone that (is very close to me) is going through something very similar.

With that said, I will put forth my "some guy on the internet" opinion.

His feelings can't have just vanished. I suppose that they are still there and were very real. Is this why he wants to stay? Is everything really over? With him saying that he would rather go innactive to me raises red flags. Either way, staying where he can see her every day cant be healthy.

I don't think it would be "running away" to move. No more begging... if you really feel that moving is best, demand it.

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This is awful that lady should have known better than to ruin that wonderful family friendship that you once had.....

Reading this made me so upset >.< People are just horrible sometimes... She probably just got possessed for a while there and went after your husband.. you never know.. maybe she just admired him at first and let her thoughts run wild and the devil took over until she started to act them out and seducing your husband ,......, It is really quite awful ....... I really think that moving is the best answer ... I know sometimes you make long term plans but they can't work out because of the circumstances which is why the new environment might be a better place to rest your mind in .............................

~ If I were you I would beat up the woman.... Get your kids to beat up all her kids ... break every single window in her house using rocks and quickly move ---- But you're probabaly much more mature and would not do the revenge thing lol

I suggest the moving part for sure though

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This is awful that lady should have known better than to ruin that wonderful family friendship that you once had.....

Reading this made me so upset >.< People are just horrible sometimes... She probably just got possessed for a while there and went after your husband.. you never know.. maybe she just admired him at first and let her thoughts run wild and the devil took over until she started to act them out and seducing your husband ,......, It is really quite awful ....... I really think that moving is the best answer ... I know sometimes you make long term plans but they can't work out because of the circumstances which is why the new environment might be a better place to rest your mind in .............................

~ If I were you I would beat up the woman.... Get your kids to beat up all her kids ... break every single window in her house using rocks and quickly move ---- But you're probabaly much more mature and would not do the revenge thing lol

I suggest the moving part for sure though

Makes me want to start singing: "That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive..carved my name into his leather seat." :eek:

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This is coming out of a divorce after 11 years of marriage, so take it with that grain of salt:

1 - I begged him & begged him...

Yup. I did that, too.

I look back now, and go "WHY???" Why on earth did I

A) feel like I needed his permission

B ) Was the only one making concessions I was the one who had been wronged

C) have to BEG him not to cause me suffering day in & out / Why wasn't he LEAPING at the chance to secure my happiness after this horrible thing he DID TO ME, our marriage, our family.

2 - Only the bishop knows...

Yup. Did that, too. To "protect" HIS reputation I

- Cut off all avenue of support for myself

- Took away ALL natural consequences (so his friends all felt such PITY for him dealing with crazy ME, INSTEAD of smacking him upside the head & saying "Dude. Of COURSE she's a mess. You cheated on her. Man up and be grateful she hasn't tossed you out on your ear.)

- Set the stage for future affairs

((I'm not claiming responsibility for his later affairs, but when the only consequences of his affairs were at home, and he could avoid those by saying out with other women who doted on his every word, and friends who felt pity for his having such a "crazy" wife... Since they had no idea what he was up to, after they found out, it was amazing the 180 they took. But that was YEARS later. My HIDING the affair didn't cause the others -total lack of moral fiber- it just made it very very easy for them to take place.))

AIeeeeeeeee. I just lost 5 more numbers. Which I can't rewrite before bedtime.

Here are 2 quick ones.

3-its too awkward (?!?!?!?) to change wards. Id rather leave the church than be inconvienced.

Blink. Blink.

Sure, dude. We get that you would rather your wife suffer needlessly for years rather than you be inconvienced for a few hours, much less give up the chance to see your affair partner every week.

Everyone <roll eyes> with me right now.

3.5 - its too awkward (???!!!???) to change wards / I'll leave the church rather than have to feel AWKWARDNESS????

Oh yeah. Did I ever fall for THAT piece of emotional blackmail & blameshifting.

Sweetie. This is called UNacceptable.

3s = Please. Work with an individual counselor to get to the point where you are completely unwilling/unable to accept these kinds of blatant threats and manipulation. To where you have enough self worth & self esteem that basic human decency is as low as the bar goes, and you will expect nothing less from strangers, much less those who are supposed to love you best. You DESERVE basic human decency. As a baseline. Nothing, but nothing less than. And you aren't even getting that.

_________

I wasted YEARS (6 at least, and possibly 9) in a marriage making excuses. I WISH I had taken a hard line early on. Maybe he would have checked himself. More likely, MY ex is just a coward at his core, a selfish little boy incapable of finding his cajones & manning up... And deep down, I knew that. Regardless, I LET my ex keep hurting me by constantly placing my needs as secondary to his wants. The only part I play in my exes actions against me, was accepting them. But I did that veeeeeeeery well. Don't be me. You deserve better than the complete disregard you're being shown

I'm not counseling divorce.

I'm counseling making darn sure that your marruage is worth saving.

Which means that you need to be a PART of it.

Not an afterthought, supplicant, or nonentity.

Edited by BadWolf
Technical difficulties. #3&3.5 added. Oy. #4 onward may just have to stay lost in the ether!
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This is awful that lady should have known better than to ruin that wonderful family friendship that you once had.....

Reading this made me so upset >.< People are just horrible sometimes... She probably just got possessed for a while there and went after your husband.. you never know.. maybe she just admired him at first and let her thoughts run wild and the devil took over until she started to act them out and seducing your husband ,......, It is really quite awful ....... I really think that moving is the best answer ... I know sometimes you make long term plans but they can't work out because of the circumstances which is why the new environment might be a better place to rest your mind in .............................

~ If I were you I would beat up the woman.... Get your kids to beat up all her kids ... break every single window in her house using rocks and quickly move ---- But you're probabaly much more mature and would not do the revenge thing lol

I suggest the moving part for sure though

Hahaha! I vote this response of the year..awesome!

:animatedthumbsup:

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Makes me want to start singing: "That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive..carved my name into his leather seat." :eek:

**Just a note: Even though culturally we seem to think some form of "revenge" is normal, people in fact can, and routinely do, get hit with criminal charges for this kind of thing, and it can even be tagged as domestic violence which triggers enhanceability for future offenses, firearms ownership restrictions, etc.

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