Help! Husband had affair with friend in ward!

[Windseeker]

Why?

Certainly I don't endorse doing any of the things mentioned but I just found it a wonderful expression of sympathy mixed with utter disgust and frustration.

[CTR4life]

My heart aches for you, just last night I had nightmares about my husband cheating on me and it was so painful, I can't imagine how this could be in real life. It seems that he cares more about himself than the pain you have to go through that he had caused by his weakness.

I do agree with those that have told you that he can still have feelings for the woman also he may think that only looking at her won't hurt but does't want to give up on his fantasy.

If this were my case I would be gone long ago and if he really loves me (as he told you) he would do anything to repair my broken heart and to bring our family together.

In my ward there is my exboyfriend (that only cames once in a while) that I used to care so much about but I ended the relationship cause our bad behavior and I can tell you that it brings sometimes memories of our intense relationship even though I have moved on years ago but right after I broke up with him looking his face every week made it difficult to bear until I moved for two years to another country. Now if I have problems in my marriage and if I see him I feel some kind of attraction towards him (just some times).

If I could I would hug tigh and long cause the lonely you might feel, love yourself, pray hard, and remember your kids are learning and his behavior is a big deal on their future marriages, sometimes you think they don't know but they only keep it to themselves.

Let the Lord loves you and heal you, reading your post I was thinking in this song it has help me so much through all my pains. Feel free to contact me if you need a friend.

[mnn727]

I would talk to the Bishop/Stake President about changing wards to a different building if you have one within reasonable driving distance.

Sorry, but to me your husband 'feeling awkward' about going to a different Ward does not trump what you feel every time you see her.

Is this the fight you want to fight? the hill you want to make the stand on? I would give the ultimatum 'change Wards with me or get divorced, and going inactive is not an option' but that's me -- you have to decide for yourself.

Edited April 10, 2013 by mnn727

[pam]

**Just a note: Even though culturally we seem to think some form of "revenge" is normal, people in fact can, and routinely do, get hit with criminal charges for this kind of thing, and it can even be tagged as domestic violence which triggers enhanceability for future offenses, firearms ownership restrictions, etc.

Now JAG since you quoted me when I was just attempting humor, I would in no way condone any time of revenge or retaliation. It was only a response to the previous post before mine.

[NightSG]

I'm in a ward with a family where the wife had several emotional affairs and then left the husband. The husband then married a young adult who attended the same ward and is 20 years younger,

Wow.

I mean, really; wow.

She fooled around and his consolation was getting to trade down by twenty years?!?

I never could prove my ex wife was fooling around, but I suspected strongly enough not to object when she filed for divorce.

Can't believe I let an opportunity like that get by me.

[Irishcolleen]

In my church the adulterers would have had to make a public confession and seek forgiveness or be excommunicated. I have seen this happen a few times. In two instances the men refused to seek forgiveness and confess. They left the church and divorced their wives. The wives were loved and supported by the church. The men were excommunicated. One man ended up in a psych hospital and bankrupt. The other one ended up losing relationships with his adult children and appears to be miserable. In one case the man confessed and sought forgiveness. The church rallied around the couple, providing emotional and spiritual support. The men on the church helped the husband overcome the spiritual problems that led to his affair. They are happily married now (several years later).

Edited April 11, 2013 by Irishcolleen

[Windseeker]

Wow.

I mean, really; wow.

She fooled around and his consolation was getting to trade down by twenty years?!?

I never could prove my ex wife was fooling around, but I suspected strongly enough not to object when she filed for divorce.

Can't believe I let an opportunity like that get by me.

It's really weird and she's expecting now. He's a personal friend and it hasn't been easy for him.

All of them in the same ward is a little odd. But they all seem to get along just fine.

I think it's pretty unique situation.

[Guest]

Wow.

I mean, really; wow.

She fooled around and his consolation was getting to trade down by twenty years?!?

I never could prove my ex wife was fooling around, but I suspected strongly enough not to object when she filed for divorce.

Can't believe I let an opportunity like that get by me.

Yeah, joking about destroyed families and objectifying women is hilarious. The idea of trading in your companion for a newer model is hysterical. My sides ache from laughing so hard and my faith in good priesthood holders is totally unmarred. Bravo.

[YaYaYaYana]

Certainly I don't endorse doing any of the things mentioned but I just found it a wonderful expression of sympathy mixed with utter disgust and frustration.

~ LOL ... Just to make it clear I would actually never go through with such revenge .... I never ever play out any kind of violence out ... If I don't like somebody .. I just completely cut off all contact from them .... block cell phone, delete facebook, ... I don't even mention to them of breaking off contact I just do it .... But violent things and revenge are fun to imagine.... JUST imagine in your mind and stop at that .........

Thats why it would be a great Idea to quickly get out of that neighbourhood, sell the house as fast as you can and get really really far away ~

[garryw]

I mean, really; wow.

She fooled around and his consolation was getting to trade down by twenty years?!?

I believe that story because my uncle did that. In fact it may be him you are speaking of if this is in Nevada.

[Aaltjmom]

My heart aches for you!!!

My husband had an affair with my best friend which resulted in a baby. They both denied it. They were just friends, I was just crazy. That was 8 years ago. I know your pain. I went to church and saw the child every Sunday. I know the trauma. The pain is so deep, and the confusion of how you are supposed to function is overwhelming.

I only have my own experience to draw from, I hope it helps in some way. It was not an easy road but I took very very seriously two truths. One is that the atonement is real, and that it's power has the ability to heal all pain especially, I found out, the pain, bittness, anger, hurt, confusion, embarrassment, inadequacy, that comes from someone else's sin against you. The other truth I found is that Nephi was absolutely courageously truthful when he stated that "I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men save he prepare a way for them to accomplish that which he commandeth them."

I had been taught all my life that I was supposed to forgive everyone. No matter what. That was easy until this. I had a right to be angry, I had never ever ever done anything wrong to this woman. I had stayed true to my covenants. I had been wronged, repeatedly. Yet I had been commanded to forgive. I had to admit to the Lord that I had no idea how. This was too big. It was huge !!! And to tell the truth I just plain honestly didn't want to.

My faith in the Savior and His promises of healing and never leaving me alone was all I had. I had to choose between pain or something else that I didn't even know what or if I could even feel. Down on my knees I went. I admitted that I didn't know how to forgive. All my life in the church and I didn't know how. . . . . . . So with all every ounce of faith that I could muster I pled, "teach me."

One of the first things that happened is that I found myself at church for the sole purpose of connecting with God so that I could breathe through the next day. Rumors were flying through the ward as well as me having to see her and the baby. Somehow the Lord buffered all of that. It became me and Him; very personal instruction and worship. I stopped caring about anyone or anything other than that relationship with my Father in Heaven. I didn't will myself into this. He, through the power of the atonement and my willingness to allow it to help me, gave this gift to me.

Many many more gifts have been given. So much so that I cherish experiencing this refining trial.

I know how hard this is. As I said in the beginning of this post. My heart aches for you. Deeply deeply aches. Moving is not going to take the pain. Staying is not going to take the pain. Seeing or not seeing her is not going to take the pain. Keeping you children away from hers is not going to take the pain. The only way for you to heal to the point that you feel like you are back on stable and comfortable ground again, and you have place in your heart for genuine love, compassion and gratitude, is for you ask Him to take the pain and apply the healing powers of the atonement.

When I got to this point I also had to ask Him to show me what He sounded like to me. Again, all my life in the church and I had to admit that maybe I didn't really know what it sounded like when he was speaking directly to me. I asked him, "please teach me what you sound like to ME!" Once I started recognizing His guidance I realized I needed courage to do everything I was being told to do, so I asked for that too. In every step, I learned to hear Him, through every act of courage I learned to trust Him, and each time I was healed by Him.

This can be the most holy experience of your life if you allow Him to walk it with you. I pray that you will.

If you would like some support and really talk about things I am willing and available. You can private message me if you wish.

Hang in there. Things will get better and you will find peace again.

Ann

Edited April 17, 2013 by Aaltjmom

[selek]

She fooled around and his consolation was getting to trade down by twenty years?!?

Actually- if he got a companion who was dedicated to their eternal relationship, to the Gospel, and to the Lord, then that's a trade up, not down.

Any man can find a faithless, self-destructive harridan who will make him miserable.

Finding a woman who'll stand beside him through thick and thin- matching love, faith, and loyalty stroke for stroke?

That's a pearl beyond all price.

Yeah, joking about destroyed families and objectifying women is hilarious. The idea of trading in your companion for a newer model is hysterical. My sides ache from laughing so hard and my faith in good priesthood holders is totally unmarred. Bravo.

Two problems: 1) that's not what he was saying, and you know it.

Before you get too torqued about "good priesthood holders", keep in mind that in the two examples given, it was the brethren who were standing their ground honorably.

2) In both examples: NightSG's and the other, it was the wife- not the husband- who was doing the trading.

It was the WIFE, not the husband, who was mocking and demeaning sacred covenants.

NightSG's post was wholly tongue-in-cheek, but there was one salient truth that came out of it: that particular brother found a blessing despite his ex-wife's fecklessness and faithlessness.

Edited April 17, 2013 by selek

[Guest]

selek, before you stroke out or blow an artery or something, you might want to take a breath and make sure you've interpreted me correctly.

I'm torqued that a good priesthood holder would so flippantly use a phrase like "gets to trade down by twenty years". What does that say about the worth of those of us who are honorably keeping our covenants and remaining faithful to our husbands? Do I age out in 5 years when hubby and I hit our 20th? Maybe you could consider how that might be offensive to a woman, instead of getting yourself all into a lather based totally on misinterpretation of what I was saying.

[selek]

selek, before you stroke out or blow an artery or something, you might want to take a breath and make sure you've interpreted me correctly.

Wise medicine: good for both gander and goose.

I'm torqued that a good priesthood holder would so flippantly use a phrase like "gets to trade down by twenty years".

Yes- I figured that much out on my own. So far, I'm interpreting you correctly.

And yes, as you and I both noted, the usage of that phrase was "flippant" and "tongue-in-cheek".

In other words- it was being used in an ironic sense- NOT to be taken seriously, nor designed to give offense.

You took it as a personal slight despite the fact that it was never intended to be taken as such and despite the fact that it was never portrayed as a legitimate reason to "trade-in" one's spouse.

Perhaps you might wish to carefully consider your own interpretation of other people's statements, and take a nip from the very bottle you offered me.

[faith18]

This was no friend!! I am so sorry your dealing with this. MOVE no one on earth should have to be around the other woman. I think it's horrible a friend could do this. Satan odiously had his hand in on this one. If she is without mental issues I am sure she is feeling the brunt of the mess she helped cause. Is her husband staying with her?? This does happen more often than I ever would have thought. Here in our ward I know of a wonderful lady who her best friend who is also in our ward cheated with her husband. Then when it was exposed the x friend harassed my friend and I did not see but the x best friend kicked my friend in the leg at a ward party. It's sick I know. We were all shock and sad that something like this could happen in our own ward. Both couples are still married but the x friend can not come to our ward. My friend said she can't share details of what went down but I know police were involved. Very sad.. You are definitely not alone. Now if it were me I would move.

Personally I in a million years could not go to the same ward. It's too odd and your peace is worth having. When she and your husband made this mess they have to help clean it up. Your husband should want you to feel peace. You can forgive but you do not need to live near her share schools , sports and go to the same ward. I am sure god knows your heart. A ward is a family. It's a unit on earth. It would take my peace away seeing her each week and I would think it would be very uncomfortable for her too but you can't care about them you need to do whats best for your family. Take it to God. Do whats best for your family. Fast, Pray, attend the Temple often. He will let you know what to do and will help you feel peace.

Edited May 3, 2013 by faith18
misspelling and wanted to add a few thoughts

[Tryingtogetby]

My BFF slept with my husband! You feel so many emotions! You need one to heal. For starters tell them both off!!!! After that hold your head high and don't give her another thought. She's not worth it! You'll be mad!!! Give yourself a week or so to be outta control then MOVE forward! Either to their face or in a letter you let them have it. Then go get your self counseling! He did not care about how the children's lives would change or your own so don't worry about him or baby him. It doesn't work!!!! You go talk to the bishop you find your own personal counselor and after you ale care if your self and the kids, if he has not done those things for himself by himself he's not worth it!!!! If he wants to makeniybwork he needs I put just as much work into it and more than you on his own I figure out what happend in your relationship that made him think this was ok!

It the end you will be a better person, if he catches up keep him if he doesn't make a very happy relationship with him as an ex. Let the anger go don't worry about him and move on. If he catches up and wants to be with you more than anything then forgive and move on no more going back! You deserve to be happy and these two didn't care at all about that! We can all find new spouses! You in the end need to decide if you will be happy with the one you have. I'm joy sayin. Be controlling, I'm just saying at this point your feelings and needs a te above all and you take care of you and your kids. I found people are gossipy anyways, If your asked like I was about your BFF, just say I don't talk to her anymore, you should ask her. If people say why hey are gossipers if they say in sorry they caring! Send everyone that's asks about her to you her way let her explain the situation if she feels the need don't go to her level and say anything good or bad keep sending them her way!!! Good luck! I believe things can work out the best for you if you let it! Good luck! Don't be angry just be better!

[faith18]

It's been really hard thank you so much for your sweet message. Man that would be so hard to have to see the baby each week. I loved your words of going to church with the attitude to build my relationship with god and the savior. I am trying. :-) Still hurts but it's getting better with time.

[mormonmomof5]

I agree it is SO hard being in the same town! I am constantly looking for her car when I'm driving around. I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder or holding my breath when someone walks into the restaurant we are at. I can't imagine having the other woman in my ward!!! I feel for you. You're husband needs to understand what you are going through! He should be open to anything you need to feel better and move on. I totally get triggers. They're awful. The feelings that flood back. I'm sorry you have to deal with seeing her so often! I would definitely communicate your needs to your husband and not give up on getting him to understand how important this is to you. It's because of his choice you are going through all of this and he needs to do what it takes to help you feel better. You are such a strong woman for being able to even attend the same ward. That would be a definite NO WAY IN HELL for me.

[carlimac]

**Just a note: Even though culturally we seem to think some form of "revenge" is normal, people in fact can, and routinely do, get hit with criminal charges for this kind of thing, and it can even be tagged as domestic violence which triggers enhanceability for future offenses, firearms ownership restrictions, etc.

Party Pooper!

[Southern_Bell]

You have every right to be hurt, to feel betrayed by what happened.  From my perspective, though, it seems that the biggest issue that you are dealing with right now is anger.  For your own good, you have to let this anger go.  Believe it or not, your anger doesn't do anything to her or to your husband.  It only serves as a cancer to you.  The longer you remain angry and bitter about what happened, the more miserable you will become.  Please let it go.

[GwnMoi]

I am just really curious about WHY your husband is so set on staying in the ward? does he want to be reminded of the mistake he made?

 

He and that lady did this to your family and her family and if either of you want to move that is the right you have, your husband if he really wants to work on the marriage you still have he cannot insist on staying where you are if that is something you can't do and work on your marriage... he gave that right away the moment he started this thing with that lady.