It's only been one year and I'm ready to call it quits...

[USSThunderbird]

...However, I still want to see if we can work something out.

We got married in January of last year. He is a lifelong member, 28 y/o and I am a convert, 21 y/o. When we started dating, he was 26, living with his Mom and I told him I couldn't be with someone who wasn't attempting to improve themselves so he did. He got a better job, started going to college for an Accounting degree and it looked like we were both heading in the same direction, career-wise.

I'm quickly learning that unless he's instructed to give a darn, he just doesn't give a darn. He won't clean unless told to 6 or 7 times. He doesn't remember that I'm going to MEPS even though I told him yesterday. He didn't remember my wisdom tooth removal even after constant reminders. We bought a car that he agreed to make payments on a month ago and who is having to insure it, transfer the titles and smog it? Me. Who hasn't made the payments that he has agreed to make? Him. Whose going to have to make them? Me. Because I borrowed the money from family and I always pay them back and he willingly allowed me to do so, believing that he'd attempt to sell his vehicle and attempt to make the payments.

Everything in the apartment is handled by me. He doesn't do jack-diddly-squat unless I scream at him. It kills me. It shames me. I hate myself. But it's the only way, absolutely the only way, next to waving the divorce papers in his face to get him to do the most mundane, adult activities that I have been doing since I moved out at 18. You know what's worse? He won't put out. I'm accustomed to 2-3 times a day and I've had to settle for once every other WEEK.

I can't handle this anymore. I've lost respect for him. I can't even see him as a man. I've come to berate him every chance I get. I want him to leave. I want him to go. I want him gone from my life because he is the pinnacle of incompetence. He is worthless in my eyes. He is good for nothing but to sit on his arse and play with his stupid darned cell phone. I've told him that when I make O-1 in the Army, he's gone with yesterday's garbage and I mean it.

I want it to work out. I know I'm doing bad. I'm broke and can't afford counseling and don't know who I should talk to. I'm young and I know I deserve better than a man who is content to scratch his arse and play video games all day. Part of me wants him to disappear and the other part of me feels guilt for it because I love him.

I don't know what to do. Who do I talk to? What's the best course of action?

Edited April 17, 2013 by pam

[Guest]

I'm sorry you are going through all this but I'm the type of person who just says it as it is. So, here's my 2 cents adjusted for inflation...

I-Me-Mine.

Always the problem in marriages.

You knew who he is before you got married. Now you're married and you expect him to be somebody different in an instant.

I've been married 15 years and this is what I've learned. When you put divorce as an option in marriage, you will be divorced. Almost always and surely. Because, when divorce is right there on the coffee table, you will not look at the problem as something that must be solved but rather something that can be "thrown out with yesterday's garbage".

When Jesus told his Aposltes to Love One Another, he showed them a perfect example. He knelt down infront of every single one of them and washed their feet. He didn't say, "I deserve to have my feet washed by you". And when he was dying on the cross, tortured, ridiculed, humiliated, he didn't say "Blast these idiots". No, he said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

That's your husband. Forgive him, for he does not know what he is doing. He went from having his mother take care of everything to you taking care of everything. You don't learn independence in one instant, especially if there's somebody doing it for you. It is a habit. And it needs to be broken so he can learn to do better. Yelling at him is not going to solve the problem. The problem is - He just doesn't know how to do it. He's never had to before. So teach him. Little baby steps. Make a checklist and put it on the refrigerator. Even better, help him make a checklist of things he needs to accomplish and teach him to put it on the refrigerator. Then tell him to go through it one by one until it is all done.

Think of it this way... if you have a baby and he poops and screams and pokes his fingers in the electric socket, do you throw him out with yesterday's garbage? Do you yell and berate and lose respect for that baby? No. You learn to have an infinite amount of patience and GENTLY teach the baby over and over until he learns to do things himself. This is the man you married. You must have found something in him to love to decide to marry him even knowing he's not all that perfect.

Why did you marry the guy? Start from there and work on enhancing the positives and working through the negatives.

Love is not "what I deserve". Love never flows inwards. Love does not use a weighing scale - "I did this, he did not do that. I'm always tired, he doesn't do anything. I only get once a month instead of 3x a day" - because it does not go inwards. Everything you do for love goes out freely without measure, without conditions. Love is not conditional - "If you don't do this, I will not love you anymore.". Love is the Ultimate Charity. Love is Service. Love is Patience. Love is long-suffering. Love is wanting the best for the other. Love is dying on the cross. Love is a DECISION. That's how much I love my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ and that's how much I love my children and that's how much I love my husband. Yes, even when he ignores me half the year when NFL comes on TV. In my marriage, Divorce is not an option.

Edited April 17, 2013 by anatess

[BadWolf]

Far from an encompassing answer... Here's just a piece to consider:

I am a complete and utter failure at 2 things in life:

- Cleaning

- Paying bills

Back when I was single, I paid for those 2 things to be done.

My husband took those to be CHARACTER deficits.

He berated me, screamed at me, sneered at me (which only made me guilt ridden and to eventually LOATHE the man).

At one point, he "quit" paying the bills, saying I needed to "learn some responsibility".

Well, you know what?

I hired an accountant and our bills got paid.

He took the bills "back".

I could NEVER get the money to hire a maid.

If my husband had been less of a jerk... He would have seen what I saw:

- His weaknesses were my strengths

- His strengths were my weaknesses.

We had the POTENTIAL to have an amazing, synergistic (some=greater than parts), incrediably marriage.

But he had a major attitude problem.

Since I wasn't good at what HE was good at, I was obviously a failure of a person.

Nevermind MY strengths

Nevermind HIS weaknesses

In a marriage, few people are good at everything. Period.

MOST people have strengths & weaknesses

IDEALLY both people are not weak in the same areas

But, as you've found, that can lead to resentment & superiority issues.

I SUGGEST the following:

Write out his weaknesses (since you're ticked, that should be easy)

Write out your own weaknesses

Now... Write out both your strengths.

AND write out where your strengths create resentment.

((Meaning, if you're the cook, but you don't want to cook every night, figure out how many nights a week you need to order in or eat sammies to not be resentful about cooking. If you're the cleaner, hiring a maid, if you're the bill payer, hiring an accountant, etc.))

I am a WHIZBANG cook. I can short order for 10+ people, every night 350 days a year. And be HAPPY about it. I like cooking. But an average of 2 weeks a year, I went on strike. First time, my hubby tried to cook. I cannot even describe what a bad idea that was. The man has no taste buds, his brain doesn't think the way mine does, and Ive literally eaten things out of a dumpster (misspent youth) that tasted better. In 11 years my husband cooked 6 times. Each time was made memorable by the inability to eat or illness that followed (What do you MEAN you left the fish in the car for 8 hours??? You buy it before work, being it IN and stick it in the fridge! Don't just dump an entire jar of cumin over it to hide the smell!).

LOL... See? Its EASY to get angry at someone else's weaknesses. Especially when the results AFFECT you.

But.

How would I want to be treated if the situation was reversed?

If I missed paying a bill and we were swamped with overdue fines, or worse?

So I cooked.

My husband paid bills.

My bestie?

She's the opposite of me: She pays all the bills (her husband is as hopeless as I am with timely payments, so she handles all their finances)... And her husband cooks. When the 4 of us got together, we'd "trade" spouses. Her hubby and I cranked up the music & got down to some SERIOUS cooking & laughing. She & my husband would be talking new tax law & economics.

She & her husband have a thriving, joyful, and long lasting marriage.

Mine ended in divorce after 11 years.

She & her husband divide labor according to skill. They're kind to each other. They treat the other as they want to be treated when one messes up. They're PARTNERS.

___________

Okay, 2 things to consider.

As to sex:

Yeah. I have a high sex drive, too.

For 10 years, I got to have sex daily.

But by the 11th, I closed the muffin shop.

I was tired of being looked down upon. Tired of being yelled at. Tired. Just dead dog tired.

Your husband may have a lower tolerance for being treated badly than I do.

Your husband may be depressed, have hormone issues, or another medical problem.

Your husband may have a lower sex drive.

Or some combo of the above.

The hardest one to fix will be how you treat him.if its depression, low sex drive, or a hormone imbalance, a pill will fix it.

But DO try changing how you treat him, and see if that improves your sex life.

Because make no mistake about it, you are treating him badly. Just from what you've shared here YOU are

- Disrespectful

- Demeaning

- Verbally abusive

That's UNSAT and intolerable.

If someone in one of my old commands was treating his wife the way you describe treating your husband, he'd find himself in some serious trouble, both with me & everyone else in the unit, and then, if they didn't change their ways, fast... They'd find their career tanked.

Spousal abuse is condemned by most in the military.

I understand a lot of this is venting.

But your actions are completely out of line.

Sort yourself, pronto.

Edited April 17, 2013 by BadWolf

[Dravin]

I've told him that when I make O-1 in the Army, he's gone with yesterday's garbage and I mean it.

I want it to work out.

Those two sentences are at odds with each other. Whatever you do you'll be more effective if you are determined with a fixed course to do it, if you are of two minds your efforts will be as well. Also as a practical manner if you tell him you've already decided to leave why would he bother to make any effort even if he was so inclined?

I don't know what to do. Who do I talk to? What's the best course of action?

I suggest talking with a marriage counselor, even if he isn't willing to join you. If nothing else you may learn more effective ways of dealing and communicating.

[RipplecutBuddha]

26-year-old living with mom.

I'm sorry, but that should have been the first warning sign that he wasn't prepared or preparing for marriage.

Yes hindsight is always 20/20, but it should still be used, especially in this case. It is true a marriage should be a partnership, but if one side isn't working enough, everything will fall apart if the other side gives up as well. How else could it end?

Some serious thinking needs to be done on your part, as well as his. You need to decide firmly whether or not you're going to work on the problem, or give up entirely and move on. You can't have both options on the table. It's not fair to either one of you.

If you decide to work on the problem, forget ever hearing the word divorce, or understanding what it means. Instead begin to teach him what you learned at 18 about self reliance. Help him understand what needs to happen. Use love, patience, kindness, sincerity, forgiveness, and humility to get through this challenge you both face.

If you decide to give up, do so now. Don't wait, don't drag it out, and don't try any carrot-on-the-stick methods to try and get him to improve. If you've already given up, why should he begin to care now?

I echo everything Anatess said as well. It's not fair that you expect him to suddenly become someone you very well know he wasn't when you dated. If you refuse to help him, you've already stopped loving him. Cut your losses and move on.

[BadWolf]

Im halfway through my run, but can't get this out of my head:

If you're a military woman... You will ALWAYS be counseled by peers that your husband isn't good enough for you. He could be Hercules & not manly enough, Einstein & not smart enough, Mr. Rogers & not caring enough. Always. Always. Always. The only way to combat this is by aggressive offense. Which means continual praise & respect. Even then, you will STILL be counseled that you deserve better.

By people who want to sleep with you.

Sex is treated like a sport (wanna meet for basketball? Oh. You're playing racquet ball with Jim tonight? Tomorrow then? Excellent. Seeuou then) in military culture as it is nowhere else Ive ever been.

Marriage is treated 1 of 2 ways:

- As sacred

- As a challenge to get around (improvise/ adapt/ overcome)

My dad was O8.

My godfather O10.

All morality aside: if you want to ever make higher than a junior grade officer... treat marriage as sacred. Because those who can't handle their personal lives, don't get promoted.

Which means NOT falling for the "you deserve better... Like me" come ons.

Not saying 'don't divorce'.

Im saying that whether you stay married or not, to be wary of counsel with agendas that include your knickers. .

Edited April 17, 2013 by BadWolf

[Smeagums]

26-year-old living with mom.

I'm sorry, but that should have been the first warning sign that he wasn't prepared or preparing for marriage.

Yes hindsight is always 20/20, but it should still be used, especially in this case. It is true a marriage should be a partnership, but if one side isn't working enough, everything will fall apart if the other side gives up as well. How else could it end?

Some serious thinking needs to be done on your part, as well as his. You need to decide firmly whether or not you're going to work on the problem, or give up entirely and move on. You can't have both options on the table. It's not fair to either one of you.

If you decide to work on the problem, forget ever hearing the word divorce, or understanding what it means. Instead begin to teach him what you learned at 18 about self reliance. Help him understand what needs to happen. Use love, patience, kindness, sincerity, forgiveness, and humility to get through this challenge you both face.

If you decide to give up, do so now. Don't wait, don't drag it out, and don't try any carrot-on-the-stick methods to try and get him to improve. If you've already given up, why should he begin to care now?

I echo everything Anatess said as well. It's not fair that you expect him to suddenly become someone you very well know he wasn't when you dated. If you refuse to help him, you've already stopped loving him. Cut your losses and move on.

I lived with my mom until I got married at 25. It helped me saved money while going to school and so forth. Maybe I wasn't use to paying all of the bills but I had some bills of my own and worked very hard and continue to work hard for my wife and baby on the way. She works currently also but will go to part-time once the baby comes.

So... if a man is living at home with mom and not working than I would be suspect but just because a man lives with mom until 25 or 26 doesn't mean he isn't a man or is not responsible.

[Guest]

I lived with my mom until I got married at 25. It helped me saved money while going to school and so forth. Maybe I wasn't use to paying all of the bills but I had some bills of my own and worked very hard and continue to work hard for my wife and baby on the way. She works currently also but will go to part-time once the baby comes.

So... if a man is living at home with mom and not working than I would be suspect but just because a man lives with mom until 25 or 26 doesn't mean he isn't a man or is not responsible.

My brother is 45 and still living with my parents. He's a neurologist married to a pediatrician and has 3 children. But, somewhere along the line, it stopped being my brother living with my parents and became my parents living with my brother...

[Smeagums]

My brother is 45 and still living with my parents. He's a neurologist married to a pediatrician and has 3 children. But, somewhere along the line, it stopped being my brother living with my parents and became my parents living with my brother...

That's kind of your brother. I don't still live with my mom...

[Guest]

That's kind of your brother. I don't still live with my mom...

It's one of those... You must be Filipino if... there are at least 3 generations living in your house. It's the cycle of life out there - the parents take care of the children until the children are old enough to take care of the parents and on and on the cycle goes.

[USSThunderbird]

From my understanding, he was working an upwards of 80 hours a week and saving up for a place but when the economy tanked, so did his hours and he got cut back to seasonal work and the money dried up fast. He wasn't aware of college grants so he just kind of stuck for around 3-4 years trying to get into writing. He published a book but well... his editor was a piece of crap and did his writing no justice. I offered to re-write it completely, I'm a very talented writer. He has refused.

I lived with my mom until I got married at 25. It helped me saved money while going to school and so forth. Maybe I wasn't use to paying all of the bills but I had some bills of my own and worked very hard and continue to work hard for my wife and baby on the way. She works currently also but will go to part-time once the baby comes.

So... if a man is living at home with mom and not working than I would be suspect but just because a man lives with mom until 25 or 26 doesn't mean he isn't a man or is not responsible.

[USSThunderbird]

Understood, ma'am. I will think about what you have told me.

Far from an encompassing answer... Here's just a piece to consider:

I am a complete and utter failure at 2 things in life:

- Cleaning

- Paying bills

Back when I was single, I paid for those 2 things to be done.

My husband took those to be CHARACTER deficits.

He berated me, screamed at me, sneered at me (which only made me guilt ridden and to eventually LOATHE the man).

At one point, he "quit" paying the bills, saying I needed to "learn some responsibility".

Well, you know what?

I hired an accountant and our bills got paid.

He took the bills "back".

I could NEVER get the money to hire a maid.

If my husband had been less of a jerk... He would have seen what I saw:

- His weaknesses were my strengths

- His strengths were my weaknesses.

We had the POTENTIAL to have an amazing, synergistic (some=greater than parts), incrediably marriage.

But he had a major attitude problem.

Since I wasn't good at what HE was good at, I was obviously a failure of a person.

Nevermind MY strengths

Nevermind HIS weaknesses

In a marriage, few people are good at everything. Period.

MOST people have strengths & weaknesses

IDEALLY both people are not weak in the same areas

But, as you've found, that can lead to resentment & superiority issues.

I SUGGEST the following:

Write out his weaknesses (since you're ticked, that should be easy)

Write out your own weaknesses

Now... Write out both your strengths.

AND write out where your strengths create resentment.

((Meaning, if you're the cook, but you don't want to cook every night, figure out how many nights a week you need to order in or eat sammies to not be resentful about cooking. If you're the cleaner, hiring a maid, if you're the bill payer, hiring an accountant, etc.))

I am a WHIZBANG cook. I can short order for 10+ people, every night 350 days a year. And be HAPPY about it. I like cooking. But an average of 2 weeks a year, I went on strike. First time, my hubby tried to cook. I cannot even describe what a bad idea that was. The man has no taste buds, his brain doesn't think the way mine does, and Ive literally eaten things out of a dumpster (misspent youth) that tasted better. In 11 years my husband cooked 6 times. Each time was made memorable by the inability to eat or illness that followed (What do you MEAN you left the fish in the car for 8 hours??? You buy it before work, being it IN and stick it in the fridge! Don't just dump an entire jar of cumin over it to hide the smell!).

LOL... See? Its EASY to get angry at someone else's weaknesses. Especially when the results AFFECT you.

But.

How would I want to be treated if the situation was reversed?

If I missed paying a bill and we were swamped with overdue fines, or worse?

So I cooked.

My husband paid bills.

My bestie?

She's the opposite of me: She pays all the bills (her husband is as hopeless as I am with timely payments, so she handles all their finances)... And her husband cooks. When the 4 of us got together, we'd "trade" spouses. Her hubby and I cranked up the music & got down to some SERIOUS cooking & laughing. She & my husband would be talking new tax law & economics.

She & her husband have a thriving, joyful, and long lasting marriage.

Mine ended in divorce after 11 years.

She & her husband divide labor according to skill. They're kind to each other. They treat the other as they want to be treated when one messes up. They're PARTNERS.

___________

Okay, 2 things to consider.

As to sex:

Yeah. I have a high sex drive, too.

For 10 years, I got to have sex daily.

But by the 11th, I closed the muffin shop.

I was tired of being looked down upon. Tired of being yelled at. Tired. Just dead dog tired.

Your husband may have a lower tolerance for being treated badly than I do.

Your husband may be depressed, have hormone issues, or another medical problem.

Your husband may have a lower sex drive.

Or some combo of the above.

The hardest one to fix will be how you treat him.if its depression, low sex drive, or a hormone imbalance, a pill will fix it.

But DO try changing how you treat him, and see if that improves your sex life.

Because make no mistake about it, you are treating him badly. Just from what you've shared here YOU are

- Disrespectful

- Demeaning

- Verbally abusive

That's UNSAT and intolerable.

If someone in one of my old commands was treating his wife the way you describe treating your husband, he'd find himself in some serious trouble, both with me & everyone else in the unit, and then, if they didn't change their ways, fast... They'd find their career tanked.

Spousal abuse is condemned by most in the military.

I understand a lot of this is venting.

But your actions are completely out of line.

Sort yourself, pronto.

[USSThunderbird]

Understood.

This behavior isn't even exclusive to the military. I have plenty of non-military men who have attempted to talk into me with the "he makes a GREAT military wife" line.

Im halfway through my run, but can't get this out of my head:

If you're a military woman... You will ALWAYS be counseled by peers that your husband isn't good enough for you. He could be Hercules & not manly enough, Einstein & not smart enough, Mr. Rogers & not caring enough. Always. Always. Always. The only way to combat this is by aggressive offense. Which means continual praise & respect. Even then, you will STILL be counseled that you deserve better.

By people who want to sleep with you.

Sex is treated like a sport (wanna meet for basketball? Oh. You're playing racquet ball with Jim tonight? Tomorrow then? Excellent. Seeuou then) in military culture as it is nowhere else Ive ever been.

Marriage is treated 1 of 2 ways:

- As sacred

- As a challenge to get around (improvise/ adapt/ overcome)

My dad was O8.

My godfather O10.

All morality aside: if you want to ever make higher than a junior grade officer... treat marriage as sacred. Because those who can't handle their personal lives, don't get promoted.

Which means NOT falling for the "you deserve better... Like me" come ons.

Not saying 'don't divorce'.

Im saying that whether you stay married or not, to be wary of counsel with agendas that include your knickers. .

[Leah]

From my understanding, he was working an upwards of 80 hours a week and saving up for a place but when the economy tanked, so did his hours and he got cut back to seasonal work and the money dried up fast. He wasn't aware of college grants so he just kind of stuck for around 3-4 years trying to get into writing. He published a book but well... his editor was a piece of crap and did his writing no justice. I offered to re-write it completely, I'm a very talented writer. He has refused.

Assuming your posts are factual....

Your comments here combined with your other post..make it sound like you think you are rather superior to him. Is that how you feel?

And your comments about him not "putting out"? The word that starts with a T that we can't use here leapt to my mind. But aside from that...seriously? I'm speechless.

[RipplecutBuddha]

I lived with my mom until I got married at 25. It helped me saved money while going to school and so forth. Maybe I wasn't use to paying all of the bills but I had some bills of my own and worked very hard and continue to work hard for my wife and baby on the way. She works currently also but will go to part-time once the baby comes.

So... if a man is living at home with mom and not working than I would be suspect but just because a man lives with mom until 25 or 26 doesn't mean he isn't a man or is not responsible.

My comments were not intended to offend. I apologize if any offense was taken, but I stand behind every word I wrote.

I also lived at home until I was 26. I then left for a mission. I was in no way ready for marriage.

[USSThunderbird]

I wouldn't say I am superior to him. Intellectually speaking, he is far superior to me in the realm of Maths and Sciences, but we're like yin and yang academically. He's a Math guy and I am an artistic/writing type person. I don't believe I am superior to him, but I am far more willing to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, than he is.

I don't know what the T word is. I was speaking of intimate relations.

Assuming your posts are factual....

Your comments here combined with your other post..make it sound like you think you are rather superior to him. Is that how you feel?

And your comments about him not "putting out"? The word that starts with a T that we can't use here leapt to my mind. But aside from that...seriously? I'm speechless.

[Leah]

I wouldn't say I am superior to him. Intellectually speaking, he is far superior to me in the realm of Maths and Sciences, but we're like yin and yang academically. He's a Math guy and I am an artistic/writing type person. I don't believe I am superior to him, but I am far more willing to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, than he is.

I don't know what the T word is. I was speaking of intimate relations.

We know what you were speaking of. Your post comes across as arrogant and angry. As for your "intimate relations".....it's clear you find your husband inferior and lacking in this area because he doesn't give you what you are "used to" ......from someone else? I daresay I wouldn't want to get anywhere near someone who constantly berates and yells at me and makes it clear they think I am inferior to them and shows no love.

[selek]

I'm gonna be perfectly blunt (for a change).

Given your self-characterization and self-witness, I tremble at the thought of you leading soldiers in combat.

Patience, self-discipline, and poise are the hallmarks of a good officer.

A shrieking tantrum will carry no weight with soldiers under arms- and may very well endanger not only your own life but the lives and well-being of the men and women with whom you've been entrusted.

Given the characteristics you've both displayed and admitted to, I would suggest a different career path for you: I suspect the DMV or the IRS might be a better fit.

Edited April 18, 2013 by selek

[Aaltjmom]

It is one thing to counsel you to be more kind, patient, tolerant, loving, respectful. . . . . It is another thing, in the heat of those very annoying, frustrating moments to do so. I hear your frustration, desperation and heartache through your "ranting and raving". I hear a woman who has had to be strong for a very very long time, who is tired and wants to be taken care of, cherished, and nurtured. What I also hear is that the super woman cape has been on so long that you do not know how to take it off long enough to be taken care of. It is down right scary to take it off... What if no one shows up for you. What if you are left open exposed and vulnerable. To allow yourself to wait on another to take care of things/you is so very very hard when every one who was supposed to do that for you in your past has let you down. It can actually feel life treatening in a way.

I know all about this. I wore a super woman cape that was fastened with something so strong it took a nuclear bomb to remove it. Actually what finally removed it was divorce and the atonement.

My prayer for you is that the desire that brought you here for some assistance, will work in you; well up in you and help you come to your knees. Your answer is in the Savior. What I found is that my super woman cape was not only on in my daily life of walking, talking and surviving. It was on very privately in prayer. You see I didn't trust that He would show up for me either. I was of the mindset that if I was "good enough", "superwoman enough" I would merit his blessings. Until then I was on my own. Problem with that was I measured myself against perfection and never allowed myself the green light to "deserve" His help.

You obviously have a place in you that wants something different or you wouldn't have taken the time to come here and write out your frustrations and feelings. Take those same frustrations and feelings to the Lord. It will be okay. He knows your past. He knows why you wear the cape. He knows that deep inside you want to know and experience what it is to be a cherished woman. Let Him know how frustrated you are with how you are handling things, but that you have no idea what else to do because you do not know what it feels like to be able to trust. Then pause and be still. . . . . Ask Him to teach you. Ask Him to help you. Be aware that asking for your husband to change is not what is needed here. This is between you and the Lord.

He will help you. I promise. You can have all that He has promised. The atonement heals not only our sins against others but also all wounds we have suffered due to others sins against us. That means ALL wounds. You will find a deep capacity for charity, respect, and gratitude if you are willing to allow The Lord to teach you how.

It is a beautiful thing to trade in your superwoman cape for a queenly robe. The truth is you are a daughter of a KING. The robes that a queen wears have power. The right kind of power that has impact and influence for good and for the betterment of others.

I would like to offer you two resources that helped me immensely. The first one is a book called

"The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell. The second is the CD set "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs

It comes in book form as well but I found it to really speak to my heart in the way I understood and integrated the principles when I listened to it being read by the author. I suggest the fist one first, and soon.

You will make it through this period of your relationship. Exercise faith that our Savior loves YOU. All parts of you. Ask Him to teach you to Love yourself as much and purely as He loves you. Then ask for Trust. I am excited about what is around the corner for you and your husband if you do!

Ann

Edited April 18, 2013 by Aaltjmom

[SoCal_Counselor]

USS Thunderbird. I thought the posts from annatess and aaltjmom were insightful. From what you have said, it seems like his mother did a disservice to him by taking care of his every need. He became dependent on her and did not learn how to do things for himself. He has also trained you (not intentionally) to be his pseudo mom who takes care of all his needs.

I would suggest sitting down with him, and outlining your various responsibilities with the household. Listen to his thoughts and suggestions in terms of what he wouldn't mind doing. After you have established your different responsibilities, DO NOT EVER DO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES. If he is in charge of doing the dishes, and the dishes are piled up all over the place, DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Gently let him know that he made a commitment to doing the dishes.

As he is learning to do things for himself, more than likely, the things he does will not be up to your standards. That is ok. He is learning. If he asks for help, you can teach him what to do, BUT DO NOT TAKE OVER HIS RESPONSIBILITIES.

Be patient and kind with him. Be optimistic and faithful. Take care of him as a WIFE and not a MOTHER.

[Finrock]

Good Afternoon selek! I hope you are doing well. :)

I'm gonna be perfectly blunt (for a change).

Given your self-characterization and self-witness, I tremble at the thought of you leading soldiers in combat.

selek, you aren't qualified to make this judgement, particularly because you are basing your judgement on a snapshot of a person's life on a discussion forum.

I totally disagree with your characterization of the OP and your personal attack towards the OP is unnecessary and useless.

Regards,

Finrock

[Guest]

USS Thunderbird. I thought the posts from annatess and aaltjmom were insightful. From what you have said, it seems like his mother did a disservice to him by taking care of his every need. He became dependent on her and did not learn how to do things for himself. He has also trained you (not intentionally) to be his pseudo mom who takes care of all his needs.

I would suggest sitting down with him, and outlining your various responsibilities with the household. Listen to his thoughts and suggestions in terms of what he wouldn't mind doing. After you have established your different responsibilities, DO NOT EVER DO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES. If he is in charge of doing the dishes, and the dishes are piled up all over the place, DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Gently let him know that he made a commitment to doing the dishes.

As he is learning to do things for himself, more than likely, the things he does will not be up to your standards. That is ok. He is learning. If he asks for help, you can teach him what to do, BUT DO NOT TAKE OVER HIS RESPONSIBILITIES.

Be patient and kind with him. Be optimistic and faithful. Take care of him as a WIFE and not a MOTHER.

I've been waiting for your to give us your thoughts SoCal! Well worth the wait. I especially love the part I bolded above.

[selek]

Good Afternoon selek! I hope you are doing well. :)

And the same to you.

selek, you aren't qualified to make this judgement, particularly because you are basing your judgement on a snapshot of a person's life on a discussion forum.

Which is why I qualified my remarks (pun intended) with the phrases "your self-characterization and self-witness" and "the characteristics you've both displayed and admitted to".

I will be the first to admit that we have an incomplete picture here.

What we do have, in my opinion (and as always, it is worth what you paid for it), is alarming.

When I first read through the thread (and took note of the OP's aspirations to be an officer), the first two people to flash through my mind were Holly Graf and Etta Jones.

With those harridans in mind, I was perhaps a bit harsher than might otherwise have been warranted. For that I can only apologize both to you and the OP.

I was actually coming to this thread to "soften" my earlier comments with a follow-up post when I noticed your response. Thank you for being so restrained in your criticism.

That having been said, there were warning signs about both of those women (Graf and Jones) early in their careers, and I see similar themes running in the OP's comments.

Had Graf and Jones been properly disciplined early on (rather than protected by political correctness), then their fates might have been vastly different.

Given that I am fourth(?) generation salt-water Navy, raised among military men of every branch of service, and that every generation of my family has served in the military in one capacity or another, I believe that I am qualified to make the following judgement:

"Given the tendencies and behaviors displayed thus far, I would not wish to serve under her command; nor would I wish my sons or daughters- nor any of their acquaintances to do likewise".

If the OP were to learn the lessons that Graf and Jones did not, I would (of course) be happy to revisit that judgement.

I am a very strong proponent of setting people in the proper path early, and had hoped to jar the OP into a serious self-evaluation (both as a spouse and a potential officer) before bad habits became engrained or were allowed to harden into leadership "practices".

Had someone done that for Graf and Jones, they might have become exemplary officers rather than spectacular (and embarrassing) failures.

I meant what I said about endangering lives: both Graf and Jones experienced multiple instances where their lack of self-discipline and emotional instability endangered lives and property.

The military is not a game. The ships, aircraft, vehicles, and weapons are not toys.

Serious mistakes are generally paid for in blood, and human lives are the coin in which failures are paid.

Hopefully the OP will learn the lessons Graf and Jones did not.

Edited April 19, 2013 by selek

[selek]

I don't know what the T word is.

To put your mind at ease, if I'm reading the post correctly the poster was referring to a common tag for someone who comes to internet boards such as these in the hopes of inflaming controversy, inciting discord, and generally being a pain the posterior.

I don't believe that to be the case, nor do I believe the poster in question was actually accusing you of such a thing.

That having been said, it is almost inescapable that your topic and statements might trigger a strong reaction among our rank-and-file.

I hope that you will consider all the good advice (and some of the bad) carefully before making any judgements.

[tumbledquartz]

I have to give a rousing second motion for you to read The Peacegiver, and I would also recommend Bonds that Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner.

I really hope you can see that expecting your husband to want to be intimate with you, with the way you've described yourself, is something like expecting him to hug a porcupine - and enjoy it. You need to focus on what you can do, not what you want your spouse to do, to make things better between you.