Almost had sex affair. Help

[stressedout]

Hi,

I really could use some feedback help. I'm a Father of 3 and I've been married for ten years, most of which haven't been great. My wife and I rarely have sex. just a couple of times in the past couple of years. She use to just deny me every time I asked her for that kind of attention. Eventually I just stopped asking and removed the thought out of my head.

I've thought about divorce for years, since we haven't got along real well for a long time.

Recently I met someone I worked with and really connected. I really felt guilty for how much I like this person but it was so nice to be around someone like her. We started to really connect, which led to us doing things which definitely shouldn't be done while married. We didn't have sex, but we have done heavy petting and such. We both have tried really hard to stop feeling this way, but the seeds been planted.

I've thought about divorce, but I love my kids so much I can't stand the thought of leaving them. I care for the well being of my wife, but I don't have any other feelings for her. I've thought about talking to my bishop, but I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me to tell my wife and she is going to want to get a divorce and take the kids. I thought about just getting a divorce and never telling her I had a connection with this other girl. That way I might have a chance of having more custody of my kids.

But if I'm suppose to just live my life unhappily married and stick it out without sex, then I guess I'll have to try. I keep praying to know what to do, but I can't get answers. Maybe I don't have the faith because of my own unworthiness. HELP

[pam]

Sounds like you not only do you have your wife and kids to worry about but now you also have the burden of knowing you broke the law of chastity as well. Eventually you will need to come clean with your Bishop and repent of this. So either way you are going to have to talk to him.

[Anddenex]

It appears brother you have a difficult, yet easy, choice depending on how you want to live your life.

The difficult choice, easy and necessary path, is to speak with your bishop and confess your sin and begin the repentance process as soon as possible. This is the correct choice in order to bring comfort to your soul.

The easy choice, path of difficulty and denial, is to avoid speaking with your bishop while continuing with a stained soul seeking to cover your sins instead of confessing and forsaking them.

You already know what to do. You know what the scriptures and living prophets instruct sinners to do -- repent. We make choices and some choices we make will result in consequences out of our control.

The Lord bless you in your endeavor to do the right thing, speak with your bishop.

[Leah]

Hi,

I really could use some feedback help. I'm a Father of 3 and I've been married for ten years, most of which haven't been great. My wife and I rarely have sex. just a couple of times in the past couple of years. She use to just deny me every time I asked her for that kind of attention. Eventually I just stopped asking and removed the thought out of my head.

I've thought about divorce for years, since we haven't got along real well for a long time.

Recently I met someone I worked with and really connected. I really felt guilty for how much I like this person but it was so nice to be around someone like her. We started to really connect, which led to us doing things which definitely shouldn't be done while married. We didn't have sex, but we have done heavy petting and such. We both have tried really hard to stop feeling this way, but the seeds been planted.

I've thought about divorce, but I love my kids so much I can't stand the thought of leaving them. I care for the well being of my wife, but I don't have any other feelings for her. I've thought about talking to my bishop, but I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me to tell my wife and she is going to want to get a divorce and take the kids. I thought about just getting a divorce and never telling her I had a connection with this other girl. That way I might have a chance of having more custody of my kids.

But if I'm suppose to just live my life unhappily married and stick it out without sex, then I guess I'll have to try. I keep praying to know what to do, but I can't get answers. Maybe I don't have the faith because of my own unworthiness. HELP

You know what to do, you just don't want to do it.

All you speak of in your post is what YOU want, your needs. You are married, you have a family. You made covenants with your Heavenly Father.

It is time you started thinking of your family and remembering your covenants. Your post doesn't indicate that you've given any regard to either.

Go to your bishop. Tell him what you've done. Be honest. Repent. Make an honest effort at living up to you covenants and repairing your marriage. You might think the path to happiness lies through an affair and sexual fulfillment, but the path to TRUE happiness lies through doing the right thing.

[Guest ldsashley]

In reality you've already had an affair, and it seems like you know that. It also seems like you know what you need to do, which is talk to your bishop. Remember the hymn "do what is right, let the consequence follow".

I think that how you deal with the affair and how you deal with your marriage are two separate (but connected) issues. If you tell your bishop and wife it doesn't necessarily mean you are getting divorced and losing the kids.

About the affair - I think you know what you have to do. End it before it gets any worse, tell your wife and your bishop, and repent.

About your marriage - whether or not you stay together will also depend on whether SHE can forgive YOU. She should have a choice in the matter too! But whether or not you are wanting to stay together at this point, I would suggest going to LDS family services counseling, and giving it your all. That way you will know you have done everything you can.

It would be worth finding out why your wife doesn't want to have sex

- is it physically painful for her? maybe there's a medical problem that needs to be treated

- Does she just have no interest at all? Have you talked to her about how you feel? maybe it would help if she realized that you do have sexual needs, and maybe she could talk to her doctor about the lack of interest, or maybe she could at least do other intimate things with you to help you feel satisfied

-is there something wrong emotionally that makes her not want to? Does she have depression? A history of abuse in her life before marrying you? Is there something in the way the two of your treat each other or something else in your marriage that makes her not want to be intimate? This might just be a symptom of a bigger problem - one that can be fixed!

Don't answer these questions - I just posed them as things for you to think about.

[All_Apologies]

God has a plan. It is the Plan of Happiness. When we live contrary to His plan, we do not have happiness. Maybe we will have moments where we feel amazing, but, eventually, we see that wickedness never was happiness.

Brother, I have also cheated. I've been married for 17 years and for the past few years have struggled with another man. It's been over 8 months since we've been together, and I'm still working at repenting.

Some things I've learned that may help you:

Maybe it's hard to see right now, but lust, by definition, cannot be satisfied. Right now, things may seem like rainbows and unicorns. But if you married this woman you are involved with, real life happens, eventually. Problems happen. Nevertheless, others who have cheated and who have decided to be with their affair partners have made it work, although the statistics are against such a relationship working. (I read somewhere that 75% of these marriages end in divorce). Just a tip: eventually, the lust with this person, were you to marry her, would go away. And married sex, sex without lust, is not the same as sex without lust. Sex + lust is dangerous and like a drug. This is what I've learned in SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and in real life.

Work The 12 Steps! These steps are good for anyone. Maybe attend an SA or SLAA meeting. Maybe even an LDS ARP meeting. Here you will find God. I am for real. You will find him and, if you Really work the program, you will be able to find His will for you and you will find the strength to carry it out. When we learn to submit our will to His will, We can find our True Connection. We can find True Happiness and even peace.

Brother, my marriage was miserable for me for a looooooong time. I sought escape from the feelings of misery by running to another man's arms. But, I realized living this way was not God's way of life, so I began attending SA meetings to help me to stop this behavior that I could not stop on my own (I tried everything to stop, but I just made things worse). Through working the program, I learned how to let God in to help me. And you know what? My marriage, with me and my husband working on things, is now wonderful. My husband is turning out to be the man of my dreams. I never would have thought. But it is happening for me. So this is possible, just so you know, for your marriage to turn around and be something beautiful. Sometimes, we stop tending our own gardens, thinking if we tend another garden, it will be more wonderful. Now, I tend my own garden.

I really feel for you. Marriage can be so hard. Affairs can be so heart-wrenching even for those in the affairs. Hang in there, Brother. I have faith in you that you will figure things out. <3

Step 3 prayer:

God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

[Daneng]

My friend, in addition to seeing your Bishop, get some professional counselling with your wife if possible. This problem needs extra help and tlc. Be open and honest with her and it is more likely to work out than giving only part of yourselves to each other. Many have had poor marriages which have turned about far better. Then your love life will have a much better chance. I reccommend a lds member therapist if possible and some good lds author books.

[CrimsonKairos]

Ask the Lord for forgiveness. Talk to your Bishop. Follow his counsel and correction.

Your main fear seems to be losing custody of your kids in any amount. I'm unsure courts and judges award custody based on whether spouses were 100% into each other at the time of divorce. Seems that things like emotional stability as evidenced by a record or lack of record of civil/criminal convictions, ability to provide, etc are more influential in judging who gets kids what percent of the time.

If you do get divorced, lawyers are there to help hammer out custody arrangements. Its not like just because you file for divorce you automatically never get to see your kids again! Best of luck with all of this, or rather, I hope you and your family receive the blessings you need to get through to the other side, whatever that consists of. But talk to your Bishop. First step.

[Magus]

I'm not at all encouraging a divorce, but I feel like stressedout deserves a little more credit.

It IS a divorceable offense to refuse sex from your spouse to such an extreme degree. It's another form of INFIDELITY. Rhetorical question - in that context, who was guilty of infidelity first? Who was thinking only of themselves first?

Obviously two wrongs do not make a right and by no means am I attempting to defend stressedout's actions. But I do think he deserves a little more sympathy and tenderness than I see coming from some.

And yes, ultimately, I agree about talking with the bishop. Whether or not he will require that he come clean about it to his wife, I don't know (though I imagine he will). But sometimes I wonder if that type of pre-requisite for repentance might depend on the person. For example, my wife has told me repeatedly that if I ever cheated on her, she DOES NOT want to know about it, ever. The reason being that she doesn't want me to put her through that type of pain over a mistake that I made, just so I can have some kind of selfish "relief" in telling her. It would not be relief for her. She'd rather remain blissfully ignorant while I suffer a guilty conscience and take it up with the Lord myself. I can understand her view, and so I'm not sure that if I ever cheated on her that telling her, AGAINST her specific wishes, and giving her completely unnecessary pain, would be the necessary thing for repentance and forgiveness from God.

Anyway.

[Leah]

I'm not at all encouraging a divorce, but I feel like stressedout deserves a little more credit.

It IS a divorceable offense to refuse sex from your spouse to such an extreme degree. It's another form of INFIDELITY. Rhetorical question - in that context, who was guilty of infidelity first? Who was thinking only of themselves first?

Obviously two wrongs do not make a right and by no means am I attempting to defend stressedout's actions. But I do think he deserves a little more sympathy and tenderness than I see coming from some.

And yes, ultimately, I agree about talking with the bishop. Whether or not he will require that he come clean about it to his wife, I don't know (though I imagine he will). But sometimes I wonder if that type of pre-requisite for repentance might depend on the person. For example, my wife has told me repeatedly that if I ever cheated on her, she DOES NOT want to know about it, ever. The reason being that she doesn't want me to put her through that type of pain over a mistake that I made, just so I can have some kind of selfish "relief" in telling her. It would not be relief for her. She'd rather remain blissfully ignorant while I suffer a guilty conscience and take it up with the Lord myself. I can understand her view, and so I'm not sure that if I ever cheated on her that telling her, AGAINST her specific wishes, and giving her completely unnecessary pain, would be the necessary thing for repentance and forgiveness from God.

Anyway.

Can you explain in what context you are making the declaration in bold? A legal context? In the context of church teaching? And please share the citations that back this statement up. I am curious to read more.

[Vort]

Can you explain in what context you are making the declaration in bold? A legal context? In the context of church teaching? And please share the citations that back this statement up. I am curious to read more.

I have never heard any such thing, either. But I think refusal of affection is, in its own way, potentially as harmful as infidelity. I don't pretend to know how God sees it, but I would not blame a man for divorcing a wife who refuses sex, or who has sex only once a month or less. Nothing justifies infidelity, of course, but in my opinion such behavior may well justify divorce.

[Anddenex]

And yes, ultimately, I agree about talking with the bishop. Whether or not he will require that he come clean about it to his wife, I don't know (though I imagine he will).

Anyway.

If the bishop is following guidelines within the Church Handbook our brother will be advised to disclose the events to his wife.

Part of repentance is seeking forgiveness from those who have been wronged, or those by whom one has offended.

[Guest]

Did you ask your wife why she has no desire for sex? Did you try to help her overcome this challenge? It could be a medical condition, a psychological condition, etc. etc.

In any case, the grass is ALWAYS greener in the side that you water. Love your wife. Honor your covenants and go to the bishop to seek repentance.

Hope you find peace soon.

[BadWolf]

Being brave isn't not being afraid. Being brave means doing the right thing even though you're afraid.

[Leah]

I have never heard any such thing, either. But I think refusal of affection is, in its own way, potentially as harmful as infidelity. I don't pretend to know how God sees it, but I would not blame a man for divorcing a wife who refuses sex, or who has sex only once a month or less. Nothing justifies infidelity, of course, but in my opinion such behavior may well justify divorce.

I am not comfortable with the idea that lack of sex or frequency of sex is grounds for divorce. It seems like that is saying that sex is more important than the marriage or the person.

I am especially uncomforatable with attaching a number to it. What about someone like another poster here who is ticked that her husband doesn't provide sex multiple times a day as she demands? Where does the line get drawn?

If someone is not interested in sex within their marriage, there usually is a specific reason. I would say the majority of the time that issue could be successfully addressed.

Would the reason have any bearing? My late husband was unable to have sex due to medical issues. Would someone be justified in ending a marriage in such instances? And I am sure you know, there are a variety of ways to have sexual contact with your spouse, aside from intercourse. Again, where would the lines be drawn?

I can understand that some people would choose to divorce because they want to move on to someone they can have sex with, but I am having a hard time accepting that this "justifies" divorce. There is a whole lot more to marriage than sex or the frequency of it.

[Vort]

I am not comfortable with the idea that lack of sex or frequency of sex is grounds for divorce. It seems like that is saying that sex is more important than the marriage or the person.

I suppose I'm thinking less of the person who can't engage in sex and more of the person who just won't. In any case, it's only my opinion, and I freely admit I might be wrong.

[ditd]

I think it's an interesting discussion to be had about the physical intimacy and needs within marriage.

I strongly believe that people should not be forced into physical acts which they are not comfortable with. Especially if there is a good reason for it

But at the same time it is also highly unfair to continually deny your partner physical intimacy because you "don't feel like it" or leverage for an argument or less than optimal situation.

I think as mentioned the reasons behind the withholding of physical intimacy are the most important. Is there a genuine reason why? what can be done to assist with this? or is it just, I want something and will deny physicality until I get my way.

I think next comes the partner who needs the physical intimacy - how does it effect their own perceptions of self-worth? can a compromise be reached.

I think many of these issues can be dealt with as the begin through honest and open discussion between partners about what you both really need and ensuring that a solution is created that meets both your needs

[Marriageinprogress]

I've had a similar experience in my life about 3 years ago.

I'm sure you feel hurt and justified with your behavior with his other woman but then guilty at the same time. What you are doing is wrong and you are having am affair, emotionally and physically. I was you and I was wrong and turned my life upside down because I let the hurt and pride I felt towards my husband numb my emotions enough where I found myself involved with another man.

My advice. STOP! You will not be able to do this without a confession to your Bishop and wife. Believe me I thought I could do it by myself but failed every time and so will you. The affair is wrong and stopping it as twisted as it sounds will feel like a break up, loss, and leave a void because it was substituting feelings that you are lacking with your wife.

I confessed! To the Stake President, Bishop, and my husband. EXTREMELY hard but I chose my less than perfect husband and beautiful children over my affair. I think a very important thing I did to end the affair was actually tell the other man that my husband and church leaders knew what I had done and it over. I told him not to call or interact with me in anyway that I was committed to working things out with my husband if you would accept me. The process was painful but worth it. I sought help from a therapist which was very helpful. My was determined to fix my huge mistake and prove to my husband that I was remorseful and felt terrible about the affair. I never blamed him, got defensive, or justified the affair. (I saved my crazy talk for my therapy sessions).

My husband forgave me, (thankfully, I thought he would divorce me) and we are still married and raising our four amazing children together the way if should be. My marriage is still a work in progress but it gets better and better almost everyday;). Nobody ever said it would be easy but they said it would be worth it!

Good luck with all this mess. My therapist told me something that I live by now: "You are capable of doing hard things". That statement really empowered me and its true. You can also clean up this mess if thats your true desire. Make a decision to confess and start the repentance process.