Sign in to follow this  
bneders

Wife wants divorce, having affiar.

Recommended Posts

This is my first time posting on a forum. Please excuse my illiteracy and grammar. I need advice. I have been married 7 years. My marriage has never been great. We fight all the time and have been very selfish. However i have always loved my wife. I believe she has finally had enough. She told me 3 months ago she was done. Sometimes i feel she has every right to be. I have spent the last three months trying to fix everything about me that she was not happy about. I have apologized about the mean things i have done. She constantly tells me that there is no point in talking about it.

About a month into her decision i found inappropriate texts to a man that she is working with. I was so distraught that i immediately forgave her. She promised that was all there was and tried to convince me it was not what i saw. Her apology was that she didn't think it was wrong because she told me we where done. for the next to months she slowly manipulated me to the point that i didn't even believe what i had seen. This last conference Sunday i stole her phone. I found that the relationship was still going on. It rocked my world.

She tells me again that she is ending it but they are still friends on facebook. She says I shouldn't have to know the details i should just trust her. She tells me I am being controling for telling her that i have to have full knowledge to be able to completely move on. She wont work on the issue and anytime we talk all she wants to do is remind me about how bad of a husband i was. We have a son and im terrified for him. I was raised by my grandperents because my parents split and neither wanted or could afford us.

I have made up my mind that i wont be the one to end the marriage. This is a covenant marriage and that goes against what i believe. I don't know what to do. I am a mess. She expects me to be nice and talk to her. When she wants but it will never be about our feelings and she will never let me know hers. She is a closed book and very unforgiving. Ive been going to a counselor. This Saturday will be my 6th visit. I just need some outside perspective.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

See your Bishop, if you haven't already done so.

Trust is hard to restore after it has been violated. Only with time and new commitments can it be restored. So to "just trust her" is not possible.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The quickest way to the heart, or soften their heart is by serving them. Find ways to serve. Be so annoying that you serve and be so polite that it may even start to bug her. Don't do it with that attitude but do it because you want to do everything for her/the child. My wife went through a divorce, I would say do EVERYTHING possible to save it. Even if she messed up. Follow the spirit though it may tell you differently. You will be blessed for doing all you can to make it work and the child will.

1) Pray on what to do, pray for her and the child

2) Read the scriptures

3) Instead of date night, go to the temple for date night. (if you are able) Else do something spiritual.

If you are not already doing those things every day than start. Don't force her to do anything. But perhaps instead of trying to pry on everything (which you do have a right to) see if you can have family prayer every night.

If you are doing those things already, find ways to serve. Find ways to go out of your way for her. Even if she is the "problem", it may be tough but miracles will happen with yourself as you do so. It may not even fix the problem but it will allow you to be who you should be. Girls have a tendency to hold onto something "once you do something wrong", its always "you don't do it right" even if you change. It can take awhile for them to get away from that attitude. Even if you really didn't do anything wrong ;).

7 Years is the hardest hump (I hear not experienced yet, I am married though).

Best saying is, its better to let your pride down and give her what she "wants" even if you are right; to settle the situation. This goes with the quote below.

She expects me to be nice and talk to her. When she wants but it will never be about our feelings and she will never let me know hers.

Girls have a way to really humble us men. I even sometimes feel like I have to do everything for "us" and she doesn't put the effort in certain areas. I think its normal yet I will keep trying to serve her and be "right" in her eyes. If you show her the first half I bet, hopefully, she will get to the point she will allow her self to share her feelings.

Could try to just ask her. What do you want me to become? Let her know you will work at it until you do it. Also note men don't really change much, so if its a personality thing she may have to learn to just accept it ;)...

Hope something I said helps.

Edited by ElectofGod

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with what Elect said. Even though she may have violated the covenants she made, you are still expected to honor yours. As you do so, you will be blessed and strengthened. Also, as Elect said, it may be the key to saving your marriage. Deep honesty and humility is required, and it surely will not be easy, however it will be very much worth it.

Now, more than ever, lean upon Heavenly Father for strength, guidance, and peace. He will never let you down. You're in my prayers as well. God be with you both.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with what Elect said. Even though she may have violated the covenants she made, you are still expected to honor yours.

This is because the covenants are between you and God, not between you and your spouse. Therefore, even if she breaks her covenants, that fact does not touch your covenants, which are still intact.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will add on about your covenants. If she did commit adultery you are justified to divorce even with your temple covenants. But I would still do all you could to save it and you better be positive the Lord is ok with it. If you don't get that ok perhaps you don't know the whole story or the Lord has something else in store for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hidden

Thank you for your advice to all above. I have been seeing my bishop regularly. She moved out a two weeks ago which makes it really hard to do service or spiritual th

Share this post


Link to post

I have no desire to end my marriage. I have no desire to hold this against her either. I have been following most of the advice from above since this started. I have seen my bishop many times and am half way through the Book of Mormon by now. Not to mention the stack of self help books on my desk. There is a lot of good advice and I am very thankful.

She moved out two weeks ago so it's hard to bring her much service or do family prayer. We where doing family prayer when she was here but she said it was awkward and find ways not to be around for it. As far as I know thee wasn't any sexual sins. To my knowledge it is emotional and everything that comes with it.

The hardest part is now I have the physical proof and she can't lie about it she still doesn't want to take the steps to mend it. It so hard now to keep putting myself out there. The constant lying and she demonizes me to anyone that will listen to her story. My counselor told me that our chances are slime to none. So has she. She lives 45 minutes away now and has all the papers ready. I called the other man the first time I found out and told him to get lost in the most professional way possible. I guess I have lost hope after beating my head against the wall for so long thing it was all about me and reaching three weeks ago and find out it was a a real affair. Thanks again for the advice. I'm doing all of this on my phone so it makes it hard to type and read back to clarify.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have no desire to end my marriage. I have no desire to hold this against her either. I have been following most of the advice from above since this started. I have seen my bishop many times and am half way through the Book of Mormon by now. Not to mention the stack of self help books on my desk. There is a lot of good advice and I am very thankful.

She moved out two weeks ago so it's hard to bring her much service or do family prayer. We where doing family prayer when she was here but she said it was awkward and find ways not to be around for it. As far as I know thee wasn't any sexual sins. To my knowledge it is emotional and everything that comes with it.

The hardest part is now I have the physical proof and she can't lie about it she still doesn't want to take the steps to mend it. It so hard now to keep putting myself out there. The constant lying and she demonizes me to anyone that will listen to her story. My counselor told me that our chances are slime to none. So has she. She lives 45 minutes away now and has all the papers ready. I called the other man the first time I found out and told him to get lost in the most professional way possible. I guess I have lost hope after beating my head against the wall for so long thing it was all about me and reaching three weeks ago and find out it was a a real affair. Thanks again for the advice. I'm doing all of this on my phone so it makes it hard to type and read back to clarify.

bneders,

I totally get where you are because I am right in the middle of the same thing (except my wife hasn't left yet). I would say that many of the advice given to you is great, but it takes two people to make a marriage and if one of them is not willing to get down and do the dirty work, the marriage won't work. I am still trying to figure things out with my wife. She continues to have contact with the guy that she got into the relationship with, which rips my heart out. She says that she would like some time to figure things out, but to be honest I think she is just saying that because she doesn't want to have to deal with the guild of messing up our oldest son's graduation or our second oldest son's baptism.

I pray each night for my wife. I go to the temple to seek for guidance and pray for the Lords blessings and blessing of the temple. I am really trying to understand how we got to where we are and what I can do to make positive changes. But a part of me is sure that this won't work because she has already checked out. It is telling when your wife isn't comfortable praying with you. When she isn't comfortable even being around you when you or she showers any more. We are going to counseling, but I really think this is just a front to keep up appearances.

Anyway, I would love to chat more. Sounds like we have some of the same challenges ahead of us and could be a source of strength for one another. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well 3 years ago I was in that position and I can tell you divorce sucks but sometimes it is the best thing.

My counselor also told me that there was very little chance things would settle down and they didn't.

I have done all I can to be the best father to the kids that want me in their life and those that don't well they are free to feel any way they wish about me I can do nothing to change their minds if they will not at least let me try.

I am single now and wondering if I can ever be in a relationship that will last. I know I am where God wants me in this mortal life and even the ward and temple district. I have no idea of why he wants me here but know it is him I listen to and if there is to be someone in my life that he will bring her into my life when I am ready and not until. Some will think this is silly or maybe foolish but you know if you faith is not founded, is not strong enough to face the challenges as they come into our life how will we ever handle the challenges for our callings in Heaven when we get there?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this