sent home from mission so confused


FresNoNoNo
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so i guess i need some advice from people who know better. so here's the story.

i was raised in the church and been a pretty good kid. at least at school i was called a pretty good kid, didn't do drugs or drinking or anything. played sports and was kind of designated driver all the time cause i was the only one sober.

dumb stuff was sometimes i cheated in school, but not alot. made out with girls probly too much. sometimes lied to my parents. trying to be good but not always.

i stole some money from my parents to buy dumb stuff clothes and surfing stuff. they didn't catch me but i felt bad and told them about it and am paying them back working all the time. then i was messing around with my girlfriend. we didn't have sex serious, but we did one time get naked and mess around. really bad move i know. don't do porn but jack off sometimes.

so then the mission age change comes and i am old enough and so i want to go but have problems. so i go to my bishop where i'm in college and i tell him everything. serious i told him all about the money and the girl and lying. i just felt bad and wanted to not worry anymore.

so he makes me wait a few months and then says i can put my papers in and my call comes and i'm going to a state mission. i go the mtc and man it's just so much spirit all the time that everything bad i ever did is flooding over and over in my mind and i can't sleep it's so bad.

i keep thinking but i told the bishop and he said i could go but the feelings did not go away. so finally i get out to the mission and after not even three weeks i just can't take it anymore and i go to the mission pres and i tell him all the stuff from before and all the stuff i told my bishop at college.

i don't know but i just want to make sure it's ok and i didn't forget anything and that i'm not really going to hell for it all. i just felt sick all the time.

so then i guess he talks to someone about me and i don't know the whole deal but they decide i need to go home and have to wait longer to go, my stake pres at home kept saying sex is almost murder and i say i didn't have sex and he says "sexual transgression is next to murder" and i thought it was sex not just anything about sex or touching naked, but he says i have to wait a year to go back because of what i did. but i just don't know why my college bishop said it was ok and now they are saying it's not ok.

i've been home almost two months now but it's just crazy and i feel worthless. so i guess i'm just so confused because i already told my bishop but i just didn't want to not be worthy. like i wanted to tell every leader to make sure with no question that it was ok for me to be there and to be totally honest and now i feel like a ruined life.

sorry this is so long to explain it all. i hope someone can tell me something.

Edited by FresNoNoNo
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You disclosed everything to your bishop prior to receiving your mission call.

Yet, you didn't feel worthy to serve.

You had received (at the time) an ecclesiastical endorsement - this means that you 'passed' the Church's standards for purity.

But you probably never felt forgiven - from the Lord, or from yourself.

So, who do you think the Adversary works his hardest on? Yep. Missionaries.

You are at home now. You need to work on feeling that sense of forgiveness and worthiness.

Now, here's the good part: (Wait, there's a good part? Yes!) The good part, is that missionaries are out to teach and preach repentance in the mission field where they are called. How can you teach something if you never personally experienced it yourself?

This is a time to build your testimony and put the Atonement to work in your life. Not to make church leaders happy... but to feel personal acceptance and forgiveness from the Lord and yourself.

If you had felt these feelings BEFORE your mission call, you would still be on your mission being effective.

However, since you hadn't experienced the blessing of repentance, you wouldn't be effective as a teacher and messenger of the gospel. It is a BLESSING for you to be home... to heal yourself before you teach and heal others.

I hope this makes sense to you. The Lord loves you. You just need to know it.

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so then i guess he talks to someone about me and i don't know the whole deal but they decide i need to go home and have to wait longer to go, my stake pres at home kept saying sex is almost murder and i say i didn't have sex and he says "sexual transgression is next to murder" and i thought it was sex not just anything about sex or touching naked, but he says i have to wait a year to go back because of what i did. but i just don't know why my college bishop said it was ok and now they are saying it's not ok.

Alma 39:5-9

5 Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?

6 For behold, if ye deny the Holy Ghost when it once has had place in you, and ye know that ye deny it, behold, this is a sin which is unpardonable; yea, and whosoever murdereth against the light and knowledge of God, it is not easy for him to obtain forgiveness; yea, I say unto you, my son, that it is not easy for him to obtain a forgiveness.

7 And now, my son, I would to God that ye had not been guilty of so great a crime. I would not dwell upon your crimes, to harrow up your soul, if it were not for your good.

8 But behold, ye cannot hide your crimes from God; and except ye repent they will stand as a testimony against you at the last day.

9 Now my son, I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes, but cross yourself in all these things; for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, remember, and take it upon you, and cross yourself in these things.

I'm not going to tell you that what you did was next to murder... but that is a rather literal interpretation of these scripture verses.

The Plan of Salvation has many facets to it. One is in how one leaves this life - death. Causing the death of another through murder is against God's plan. It is an earthly judgment against another person terminating their life. We leave such decisions to God. (War is a different category and discussion.)

The other facet is in how life is created. The Plan of Salvation is designed for God's spirit children to be born in the covenant of marriage, to a mother and a father. Violating this, is a violation of the law of chastity.

Now, I'm not your priesthood leaders. Each priesthood leader brings with them their experience and their interpretation of the handbook and missionary requirements. We sustain our leaders.

Before my missionary service, I was highly encouraged by my bishop (a returned mission president himself) to disclose everything to both him and the Stake President. By disclosing everything, I can feel at peace that I've confessed everything and not have any shadows of doubt lingering.

I confessed everything I could think of, never had any worthiness doubts, and I served a fantastic and honorable mission.

Sustain your leaders. You may ask questions, but sustain their calling, leadership and judgment.

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You disclosed everything to your bishop prior to receiving your mission call.

Yet, you didn't feel worthy to serve.

You had received (at the time) an ecclesiastical endorsement - this means that you 'passed' the Church's standards for purity.

But you probably never felt forgiven - from the Lord, or from yourself.

So, who do you think the Adversary works his hardest on? Yep. Missionaries.

You are at home now. You need to work on feeling that sense of forgiveness and worthiness.

Now, here's the good part: (Wait, there's a good part? Yes!) The good part, is that missionaries are out to teach and preach repentance in the mission field where they are called. How can you teach something if you never personally experienced it yourself?

This is a time to build your testimony and put the Atonement to work in your life. Not to make church leaders happy... but to feel personal acceptance and forgiveness from the Lord and yourself.

If you had felt these feelings BEFORE your mission call, you would still be on your mission being effective.

However, since you hadn't experienced the blessing of repentance, you wouldn't be effective as a teacher and messenger of the gospel. It is a BLESSING for you to be home... to heal yourself before you teach and heal others.

I hope this makes sense to you. The Lord loves you. You just need to know it.

^^^^^

This. Big time.

It wasnt the acts themselves... It was how you still felt about them.

Take the year.

Regain your confidence.

Get to know how rock strong forgiveness & 2nd chances can really make you.

Im a convert. And lets just say my interview had to get kicked upstairs a few levels

You know what sealed not only my baptism, but my very active involvement in the church following? 3 people. "My" 2 missionaries... One of whom had a misspent youth (as I did), one who'd been to war (as I have), and a sister in my ward (in the RSP) who had gone through a year of counseling with her leaders for having some serious sexual transgressions in college.

I know about their pasts... Because they had learned from them & were totally at peace with them. So when a pretty typical investigator with a laundry list of "I'll never fit in / trust me, church is not the place for me wild years ... They can just laugh and share their own stories.

You have a choice.

You can be ashamed of your past.

You can repeat your past.

You can learn from your past, and be made stronger by it.

The choice is yours.

______________________

" It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again"

- Mumford & Sons

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Fwiw, sex is not "almost murder". Fornication is very bad, yes, and you will not likely find anyone on this board who approves less of fornication than I do. But like murder? No. Your leaders may have been trying to make a point that feeling up your girlfriend is a bad thing, and they are right, it is a bad thing. Getting naked and having sex play with a woman you're not married to is very bad indeed. But it is not murder, not even the same zip code.

Repent, get your spiritual life in order, then go back on your mission. That's my advice.

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Bishops aren't perfect. God calls them, but they are imperfect men doing the best they can.

The key here is if you are still feeling huge amounts of guilt for the sin, it is possible you have not fully worked it out and received a full forgiveness from the Lord. Your stake president and mission president want to ensure you are spiritually well prior to sending you out to do the Lord's work. If you were deathly ill of some disease, you would not question why you were sent home until you fully recovered from it. This is a spiritual disease (sin) that still has not healed. You won't be able to fully serve God, while still having unfinished repentance to do in your life. Once you have an inner peace via repentance and preparation, you will then be ready to go out on the mission again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

thanks for responding. i'm still working through what you all said.

i just want to say that just because i feel a lot of guilt doesn't mean i haven't done what i'm supposed to. i don't know how to tell if the lord forgives me but i don't know what else to do to get it. i'm not sinning so don't assume i am just because i feel bad. i don't think everyone feels things the same way and so you assume i'm still doing stuff that i'm not or i'd feel better. but i'm not doing bad stuff and i confessed everything over and over and i'm not doing anything but I still feel terrible.

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Like it was just said you have to come to Christ yourself. Yes the Bishop, Stake President can walk you through the process of repentance. But you have feel that you have repented. Part of of that is feeling the spirit. Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel you can turn to Christ?

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Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do because we live in a constant state of remembrance and anger about our past actions floating inside our heads and making us feel terrible. Overall, we seem to do an excellent job at beating up ourselves when we do wrong things but just like we have that little annoying voice that reminds us of all the bad things we did, we also need to counteract it with a softer one that tells us that we can do better and that we are capable of enduring this trial and forgive ourselves for what we have done.

The result when we forgive ourselves? A feeling of relief, a burden taken away from our shoulders. Give it to the Lord and let Him carry it for you.

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While there are other reasons why sexual sins are so serious and are considered next to murder in severity is based on the consequences.

The sin against the Holy Ghost is unforgivable and places the sinner beyond the power of the atonement. It is also unpardonable in that even suffering in hell for your own sins is not sufficient to satisfy justice. Such suffer in hell until the end of the millennium and then rise in the resurrection of the unjust to then be cast into outer darkness.

For a LDS member and others with sufficient light and knowledge, murder is also unforgivable and places the sinner beyond the power of the atonement. It is however pardonable in that the sinner can suffer in hell for their own sins sufficient to satisfy the demands of justice. Such suffer in hell until the end of the millennium and then rise in the resurrection of the unjust to a terrestrial glory.

Sexual sins are forgivable and do not place the sinner beyond the power of the atonement provided the sinner repents in this life. In the case of those who did not have a fair and just opportunity to receive, repent and live the gospel in this life, the sinner will have an opportunity to do so in the spirit world but this is not the case for a vast many if not the majority of latter-day saints.

Those who have had such a fair and just opportunity who die, having not repented of such sins, place themselves beyond the power of the atonement. Even then the sin remains pardonable in that the sinners suffering in hell will have an end. Such suffer in hell until the end of the millennium and then rise in the resurrection of the unjust to a terrestrial glory.

Thus one reason why sexual sins are so serious is that the consequences of such sin are as serious as murder in the case of those who commit such sins and who, having had a fair and just opportunity, do not repent of them in this life, dam n themselves from ever obtaining a terrestrial or celestial kingdom.

Here is a useful document I found that explains some of what I wrote above in more detail.

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martian im not sure why your saying all that. I didn't deny the holy ghost and i didn't murder anyone. i didn't have sex either. there was no chance to have a kid because we didn't have sex.

i found a old David McKay quote that said "“The Lord has drawn no essential distinctions between fornication, adultery, and harlotry or prostitution. Each has fallen under His solemn and awful condemnation."

but i didn't do any of those not even fornication. but that doesn't even make sense. of course it's worse for adultery when you are married to someone and have promised someone than it is to have sex just when you are single and have no one else you have promised to be faithful to.

i've been reading and trying to understand where all this came from because I don't get it. from what i see the scripture about 'next to murder' is from alma. it's about corianton who was an ordained minister who traveled to another place to pay a prostitute to have sex with him.

i am trying to do what's right and be humble and learn but i just can't see how a bishop going to a prostitute is the same as a teenage guy touching his girlfriend one time. we didn't have sex and it wasn't all planned out. it was a really bad mistake and happened when we were just really in love and it got out of control. and as soon as it happened i told my bishop and it didn't happen again even once.

i think saying that is next to murder is wrong even though i think its a big problem.

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I'm sorry that you were confused by my posting as that wasn't the intent. I know you didn't kill someone or deny the Holy Ghost and was simply trying to explain in part why sexual transgression is considered so serious.

In reading to try and understand where all this came from I invite you again to read the linked document. I further invite you to read all of chapter 5 "The Sin Next to Murder" from President Spencer W. Kimball's book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" as it answers greatly the questions you pose and still have.

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If you choose to read The Miracle of Forgiveness, I recommend reading the last two chapters of the book FIRST, then begin the book from the beginning.

President Spencer W. Kimball doesn't mince any words in this book. Because of how hard it is, sometimes, the repentant soul needs a little hope before beginning at the beginning. That's why I recommend reading the last 2 chapters first.

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FresNoNoNo,

It is often very difficult to formulate "the" answer that would be the most helpful.

The question I hear you asking is how you can know you are forgiven?

We cannot know or judge the depth of your sorrow or hulility of heart beyond what you have written, only our Savior can clearly understand, or apply the atonement and so I think there is only one thing that you can do, or continue to do...

Cultivate your relationship with Christ and give your life to Him.

It's not like any of us have never heard that. But there are so many fewer who have experienced it. There is no other way except through Jesus Christ and He is waiting for us,... for all of us to just go to Him,... for YOU,... to go to Him, to find Him, to know Him and His love for YOU. He will forgive you if you let Him. The only barrier is...

You.

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