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kartvines
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I feel as if nothing matters in this life anymore, in a couple of days I will reach the date of the day my wife died one year ago. To help to fill that large gap in my life I returned to church after over 30 years of being away, gave up coffee, drink and cigarettes, and everything else that brought me any sort of pleasure and or relief, hoping I would be flushed with the spirit and engulf in the love and body of the church, and yet I feel empty completely void of the spirit, and I am discussed in myself about most everything. I have attended all meeting performed my calling and read all of the scriptures and participated in all of the meetings, and I am a full tithe payer yet I still feel nothing.

Yesterday before Sacrament meeting I met the Bishop in the hall way and told him I needed to talk to him, he told me his schedule is busy and his clerk will set something up, but all during the meeting I felt lost and angry and then left as soon as Sacrament meeting was over. I have had many meeting with the bishop and have been honest with him about how I feel, been blessed and still nothing.

I have begun to sit in the back pew only to discover that I am now witness too many members being in the meeting but not really being a part of it, I see many whom I thought were ward leaders , doing nothing more than playing games on their tablet and other playing on their phones, I see children being allow to run wild, I try to sit in the back row so I don’t have to sit in front of them because their parents make little to any effort to control their behavior, and all of the above mentioned things disturbs me, making me feel that much more divided and alone in my ward.

Even in my calling, I am the building representative I am disturbed by how nobody feel the desire to clean the meeting hall, most Saturdays it is just me and the Bishop’s first counselor, so it leave us two old men doing all of the work, which really dosen't bother me doing the work, I feel as if I am giving back, but instead it bothers me that nobody make any effort to pitch in.

I pray every day telling our savior that I am lost and the void of the spirits and this void is driving a wedge between the church and me, asking for guidance and for help to keep me moving forward in my ward and calling. But I feel as if my prayers go unanswered either because I don’t have the correct amount of faith, or instead and even worse I an unworthy to receive the blessing [help / direction] I am seeking.

I am 63 years old, I don’t except change very well and I am the sort of man, that is all in and or all out, and I am now feeling I am heading back to being non active. As an old dog I feel as if I am being told of all the hurdles. I must jump over to be worthy to be a full participate of the church and temple, and my old knees are getting tired from all of the jumping, also after rereading all of the scriptures I am scared of the idea that the more I now know and if I fell to choose to the right course I will receive a harder punishment for not following the scriptures than if I did nothing at all, and that too alarms me.

Losing my wife was enough change in my current life, I don’t need further charge and or distractions, I need to find some joy in my life to continue wanting to live and I have found “none” in returning to the church, instead I find that because I am not doing this and or that I am merely unworthy, and that depresses me even more, I now pinned between a rock and a hard spot and the downward course of my thoughts are leading me only in a single direction and that is away from the church, I just cannot deal with any further disapproval, please don’t misunderstand me, I have not lost my faith in regard to the core values of the church, I could never belong to any other church, but am I strong enough to stay committed to something I needed to fill a large void in my life and that seem to be getting larger each and every day.

I a lost lamb and I feel as if no one is looking for me to bring me home, and I am now hearing the howls of the wolves in the near distance, I feel as if I am now entering the fight and or flee mode, and fleeing away for the church is now looking like the best and easiest direction, I need advice and help to find a way home to our heavenly father and it seem as if I am too blind to be able to follow the map that has been laid before me, or just to stupid and or lazy to continue on this journey toward salvations and the ability to rejoin my wife when my time is up, because I feel as if I have not met the challenges that God given me and was successful so the total collapsed of my self-worth is now in danger.

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My condolences to you.

My advice is: give yourself time to mourn. It is hard to find peace and joy, while still in mourning. It will gradually come. Remember, you have had a wonderful life experience with your wife, and she is not here now. You only feel like half a person. It will take time to develop a new normal - yes, it can take years.

Second, remember that others may be just as broken, alone, and struggling as you are. Such cannot be seen from the outside, but as you know, is very real on the inside. Perhaps it will do both you and some of the others good, if you were to reach out to them in friendship. Invite some of them out to dinner, a sporting event, etc. Perhaps you can help others AND you to heal, a little at a time.

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I am going to give you advice in a no-holds-barred MMA-type training, with some tough words. So, if that's not something you want, please just skip through this post.

Ready?

You are still miserable because you are only thinking about yourself.

There are two commandments - Love God with all your heart, mind, and strength. The 2nd one is to Love others like God loves you.

There is nothing on those commandments about loving others only if they love you back. That's the adversary's easy way to winning you over. Making you think that your life, your worth, your value, your happiness is dependent on what you're receiving. NO. This is the completely opposite of what you need to understand - that your worth, your value, your life, your joy is what you are giving. It only flows one way - outwards. You don't love people so you can get something in return. Your joy comes from being able to Love.

Now, What is Love? When Jesus told his apostles to love one another, he demonstrated it by kneeling infront of his apostles and washing their feet. He did not wash their feet only because he felt loved by his apostles or that he expects all of them to wash his feet back. No. Love is Service. Love is Charity. Love is forgiveness. Love is humility. Love is sacrifice.

Yes, you've had the wind knocked off your sails because your wife - the source of all that is good in your life - passed away. You were used to having her return that love, return that service, gain something out of loving. Now, you have to learn to find joy in simply loving - not find joy in being loved. It's a tougher lesson.

So, all you really need to do is stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of others. Yep.

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Listen, we are all broken. In need of our Savior. I think, just my opinion, that the Savior especially loves though who are down and out, broken, scared, sad, in need and so forth. He knows your pain. He knows your sorrows. He knows what you are going through. I went through a particularly hard time 6-8 years ago. I was hopeless and in absolute despair. I thought I was without worth. Worthless. You get the drift.

I persevered. Relied on Him. Called upon Him. Read from those who I thought were close to Him. I tried to just do good things because I figured "I can't be worthless if I have good fruits. If I'm helping and serving others". In the end, through His love, I came out refined and better but not perfect of course. ;)

It wasn't until a month or two ago that I realized something about that experience. Something I had never thought of. I knew Christ was helping me. What I didn't realize was how active His helping was. I now realize it was Him telling me: "You are good!" "You can overcome" "Its okay to make mistakes" "Come to me and I'll heal you" Come to me and I'll forgive you" "I love you" "I want you to succeed" "I'm rooting for you" "Get back up" and so forth. The Savior, I realized, isn't in a constant state of condemnation as so many of us may think. He is constantly encouraging and guiding us. He loves us more than we could ever imagine.

In Jacob 5, when He and His servants' work was finished, He did an inventory of Himself. He asked Himself "what more could I have done". He found fault in Himself. Isn't that crazy? He being perfected asks Himself what more could HE have done. The Savior's love for us is so great. Seek Him and become perfected in Him.

1 Verily, thus saith the Lord: It shall come to pass that every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh unto me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am;

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It's disheartening to see how lightly some take their privileges in the gospel. It's even more disheartening to recognize such attributes in ourselves. I advise you to forgive those who betray their foolishness and spiritual immaturity in Church meetings, and try to set a good example for them.

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your wife.

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Thank you for your feedback. However I am either blind or confused, where in my original post did I say or elude to my not caring about other in my life who share my lost, that is in no way the case, and I am doing what I can to help them in this regard, my chief concern was the lack of feeling anything what so ever in regard to church and the feeling that the holy sprint has abandoned my temple and seeking better accommodations.

However I do understand that I am still grieving, and even feeling sorry for myself, but more so for our children and grandchildren.

I have witness to many people in my ward looks as if they are just going through the motions, and I have a very hard time doing that, I over think everything, and I detests the idea of being hypercritical, I cannot lie to my Bishop or State Presidency, so my advancement most likely will never occur because of that, yet I want nothing more.

I think and or feel that I should have some burning in my bosom that will allow me to push forward and continue with my church activity, but that lack of any feeling spiritual or otherwise make it hard, I should feel joy and at peace when I enter the ward but there is nothing there. That is what I need to overcome and or understand.

Does that make any sense?

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However I do understand that I am still grieving, and even feeling sorry for myself, but more so for our children and grandchildren.

I have witness to many people in my ward looks as if they are just going through the motions, and I have a very hard time doing that, I over think everything, and I detests the idea of being hypercritical, I cannot lie to my Bishop or State Presidency, so my advancement most likely will never occur because of that, yet I want nothing more.

I think and or feel that I should have some burning in my bosom that will allow me to push forward and continue with my church activity, but that lack of any feeling spiritual or otherwise make it hard, I should feel joy and at peace when I enter the ward but there is nothing there. That is what I need to overcome and or understand.

Does that make any sense?

You brought up two things here as underlined.

It makes sense yes.

..............................First underline

There are two reasons for experiencing this dislike for everyone around you. One you are starting to focus on all the negative aspects because satan wants to distract you and have you or Two you are progressing towards the savior and to the point he is starting to point out the flaws in others.

I think its a mix of both from what you described but could be wrong. I find that the closer you get the more imperfect you see yourself and others around you. Thats a quote by Lorenzo snow, The nearer to God you get the more imperfect you see yourself. than you rely upon the atonement.

I will share an example of when I prayed for charity. The following things happened.

First) The lord started to show me the imperfections in everything aorund me (society). I saw their flaws what they did wrong. All the noisy children, all the problems with everything around me. This is the biggest obstacle to get over.

Second) The lord than shown me how I was not there for the right reasons entirely. I was focused on others. I was focused on what I was doing right they were not. Than I realized that I should just try to have a good attitude. This didn't help myself tons but I tried very hard to not restrict the spirit from all the ill feelings I was having. I know others who had these feelings that fell away also.

Third) After awhile I was shown the imperfections closer to me. Family, friends, acquaintances. Again this caused another wedge for me. But I didn't entirely realize what was happening. I thought does anyone do anything right? Why can't they just be like me or like the savior and do it right. My ill towards others changed over time but I still feel like people do not do what they should.

Fourth) I than gradually started to realize all the things I did wrong. It dug me into a depression literally. I thought I was useless and did nothing right. It took someone else who went through the same thing to point out what the Lord was doing for me. It dawned on me "Now you see how everything around you is imperfect, now you see how you are imperfect, now you see why you should love your fellow men" It smacked me, at the time it was just a thought I realized the smacking didn't come until weeks of pondering on it and realized that is what the Lord was showing me. Now I see it and how its true I consider it a smacking.

I am sitll working on having love for others and realizing these imperfects I see, which took me a year to get rid of the ill feelings as you described, is the test for us to love for our fellow men. We are to see them with the atonement applied. I still want to scream at them and say don't be hypocrites but I just feel now its not a big deal at all. It was at first but I finally overcame it. Now I still want them to do whats right but I love them to the point I want to find ways to help them myself and don't worry about them being perfect because nobody will in this life. The ill feelings will go away but your desire for them to be better will not.

Its also satan wanting to put a wedge and get you to stop partaking in the sacrament. Be there to help them grow instead of helping yourself as you do so it will change your "ill" towards others. Its by no means easy. Only prayer will do it.

Also I have found everyone has their own wekanesses just because in one area they are hyprocrites doesn't mean they are not more righteous than you. You can't judge someone by their apperance because you don't know what or why they are doing what they do. We are all hyprocirties in some ways. Its the righteous who acknowledge that they are sinners and try to correct it. Its the prideful that think there is nothing wrong.

........................Second Underline

Most people never experience the burning in the bosom. The spirit is like learning a new language. Pray and ask God how he speaks to you. Try it... I also find most often my answers are soooooo subtle that its nearly impossible to tell they are even an answer. I find it to be an answer only when its the same subject I was just asking about and my thoughts are again thinking about my question after hearing a talk from someone else, a lesson, or reading the scriptures and the same principle is being discussed. If my mind connects the two I consider it an answer than go pray to see if there is something else I missed.

Occasionally the spirit will speak out in a voice to me but I can count those on my finger.

Long post so I will stop here for now.

Edited by ElectofGod
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I have not been where you are so I can't say I know how you feel. I can attempt to understand what you are communicating from your post but I don't have anything helpful to say. There is a song that I find comforting (maybe because it expresses my emotion) when I'm feeling alone. So I figured why not share that.... may not be helpful but I don't think it can hurt.

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Brother I dont have the words or wisdom to give you. But I hope you continue to Hold on to the Rod, even if its hard, hold on endure..... I know it can be hard, I understand, but please dont give up!!!! There are many people that need you!! Sorry about your loss of your spouce, no that she too roots for you to please hold on as well.........enclosed is a hug 4 u....You can do it!! You are a man of worth dont forget that!!!

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You are coming up on the first anniversary of your wife's death. I remember when I was at that place after my husband's death, I hit a low point. I didn't give a lot of thought to the connection until a thoughtful professional explained how we can be affected by such milestones even when we're not aware of it or even when we think such milestones don't affect us.

You miss your wife. Being alone sucks. It's only been a year. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep going to church.....stay active. You don't "get over" such a loss. You just somehow learn to live with it. And the blessings you seek will come.

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When I've gone through hard spots or even struggling with my testimony, I only concentrate on the Savior. I don't care what other people are doing in church or if the kids are running around. I put my focus on God and the Savior by immersing myself in scripture, in conference talks, writings of the general authorities, etc. Taking an institute class helped me a lot in going deeper with my relationship with God. Feeling a closeness to Heavenly Father makes a huge difference in my life.

Have you had your patriarchal blessing? If you have, read it again. If you haven't, get your recommends and go for that spiritual experience. It's wonderful to concentrate on Heavenly Father's plans for you.

I'm sorry about your wife. I'm sure your still in grieving process.

What we put our focus on defines us and our quality of life.

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Thank you for the advice and feedback....ElectofGod your post was thought provoking, thank you, Gwen I love that song, and the rest I truly appreciate all of you posts and I hope I can work my way through this struggle. sometimes I just feel it is just too hard to breath let alone make the effort needed to stay on course, having been away from the church as I was I find it much easier to walk down the broad path than to navigate the narrow one..

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Thank you for the advice and feedback....ElectofGod your post was thought provoking, thank you, Gwen I love that song, and the rest I truly appreciate all of you posts and I hope I can work my way through this struggle. sometimes I just feel it is just too hard to breath let alone make the effort needed to stay on course, having been away from the church as I was I find it much easier to walk down the broad path than to navigate the narrow one..

kartvines... I really truly think you will feel better if you take this time to just set yourself aside for a moment and immerse yourself in service. Don't worry about what you get out of it or how the people you serve repay your kindness... find joy in the act of service to others. If this is too much... you can start with taking care of a dog. It really works that when you are in the depths of sorrow, encouraging yourself to look outwards instead of inwards can bring you back to joy.

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One more point to consider. You may be suffering from depression. This is a very common thing to occur when someone has had a tragedy occur in life. Such an event can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which affects many soldiers after they return from war. It may be you should discuss seeing a therapist with your bishop, who may be able to recommend one to you. We can often get lost in the trauma, unable to find our own way out of it. But with therapy and sometimes medication, we can find ourselves back on course over a period of time.

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Last Tuesday I met with my Bishop, and told him I am nearing becoming inactive again, he was very disappointed and encouraging, but it seems as if everything he said fell on deaf ears.

So I know I must be the problem, and I am so void of almost everything as much as I want to stay active and move forward, I see no end game. With the death of my wife one year ago yesterday, I have a metal block and I no longer want to have to give up anything else no matter how trivia, and it has been my stumbling block.

My bishop , like many of you told me that the Devil is working on me, and maybe that is the case, but if he can reach me so easily and if God know that then why do I still feel so empty and totally void of spirit? My Bishop asked me to fast and pray on it, and I am of course willing to try anything right now but if that too fails then it will merely put just another nail in the coffin.

So I am at a stale mate, I have a testimony but it is becoming weaker by the day, my bishop told me I need to stop being so hard on myself and serve others and, that a testimony becomes stronger when you share it, but currently, the less interaction with people the better. I have always shut people out of my life, and because of that I have no friends, and at my age I don't have the trust or energy to make any, so I understand that most of this is self inflicted, but I have been this way for most of my adult life and I cant see that I will change any of it, no matter what, and after a year of being active and servicing my ward, I feel as empty as the day I became active again, and it hasn't soften my heart of provided me and solace, so I tell myself why bother.......

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Focus on your testimony. What gave you your testimony? How did it feel during those very spiritual and uplifting moments? Can you try and relive those in your imagination?

As for the empty feeling, be patient. Also be aware that you may be suffering from depression, which will cause you to feel empty, regardless of anything. Go see a doctor about it.

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Last Tuesday I met with my Bishop, and told him I am nearing becoming inactive again, he was very disappointed and encouraging, but it seems as if everything he said fell on deaf ears.

So I know I must be the problem, and I am so void of almost everything as much as I want to stay active and move forward, I see no end game. With the death of my wife one year ago yesterday, I have a metal block and I no longer want to have to give up anything else no matter how trivia, and it has been my stumbling block.

My bishop , like many of you told me that the Devil is working on me, and maybe that is the case, but if he can reach me so easily and if God know that then why do I still feel so empty and totally void of spirit? My Bishop asked me to fast and pray on it, and I am of course willing to try anything right now but if that too fails then it will merely put just another nail in the coffin.

So I am at a stale mate, I have a testimony but it is becoming weaker by the day, my bishop told me I need to stop being so hard on myself and serve others and, that a testimony becomes stronger when you share it, but currently, the less interaction with people the better. I have always shut people out of my life, and because of that I have no friends, and at my age I don't have the trust or energy to make any, so I understand that most of this is self inflicted, but I have been this way for most of my adult life and I cant see that I will change any of it, no matter what, and after a year of being active and servicing my ward, I feel as empty as the day I became active again, and it hasn't soften my heart of provided me and solace, so I tell myself why bother.......

My heart breaks for you. The anniversary of my oldest son's death is still hard and its been 13 years. His birthday is hard too because his 21st birthday was the last time I saw him, hugged him, saw him smile. Its very very hard to lose those we love and the hardest losses are a spouse, child and parent.

I would like to respond the what I bolded.

If you want to recognize the hand of the Lord in your life you have to start seeing the little things. It starts with being thankful, truly thankful, to wake up in the morning. It starts with expressing that gratitude to our Heavenly Father. After we start seeing the little things, the little ways the Lord helps us each day, then we will start seeing the bigger blessings and recognizing the Spirit was always with us becomes easier.

Happiness is like a butterfly

The more you chase it the more it will elude you

But turn your thoughts to other things

And it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.

---Unknown

I'm including this poem because I think often the "butterfly" in the poem is the Spirit not just happiness.

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Good Afternoon kartvines. I hope you are doing well! :)

So I am at a stale mate, I have a testimony but it is becoming weaker by the day, my bishop told me I need to stop being so hard on myself and serve others and, that a testimony becomes stronger when you share it, but currently, the less interaction with people the better. I have always shut people out of my life, and because of that I have no friends, and at my age I don't have the trust or energy to make any, so I understand that most of this is self inflicted, but I have been this way for most of my adult life and I cant see that I will change any of it, no matter what, and after a year of being active and servicing my ward, I feel as empty as the day I became active again, and it hasn't soften my heart of provided me and solace, so I tell myself why bother.......

You can't change without the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is time to exercise complete faith in the atonement. Start doing and keep doing. Don't be a fair weather friend to God. Love and serve Him even during the times you feel miserable.

If you have always shut people out, now start letting people in.

If you have always had trouble trusting people, now start trusting people.

The atonement of Jesus Christ will enable you to do what you cannot do alone. Ask God to help you and then believe that He will. With this belief, go and do the best you can, and don't stop.

Regards,

Finrock

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