Ulder Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) ... Edited June 4, 2013 by Ulder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james12 Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 It sounds like it's time to accept the apology. The daughter has now reached out to you and taken the big step of saying she is sorry. It does not excuse her actions but it does mean she wants to patch things up and I see that as a good sign. Take the olive branch. If you are serious about your girl friend you are going to have to make this work. You inserted yourself into the argument on one end now you have to be part of the solution on the other. Who knows maybe things will improve now that she knows you are not a push over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lagarthaaz Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 If it were me I'd accept the apology, and try to forgive and move on. You've let her know how you feel - I'm sure she gets the message that she went too far on this occasion. Going to the birthday dinner might help to smooth things over - after all, it's those positive experiences together that will help to improve your relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 I agree with lagarthaaz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulder Posted May 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) ... Edited June 4, 2013 by Ulder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 How old is this kid? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 IMNSHO you should have stayed out of other's family affairs in the first place. It's really none of your business how a mother and daughter relate who are not related to you. Accept the apology, and go to dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 Perhaps you can met with her privately to talk before the party. At that point decide if you are going to go to the party depending on her attitude. IF you go make it clear that if it happens again that you wont be so forgiving. Has the girl been punished for what she did? Perhaps some sort of punishment/recompense would be in order. Not sure what a good one would be but perhaps she could do something for her mom. Something that takes effort. I do not think you should just forget it and go to the dinner. If you are her 'step father' then she has to know you mean what you say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windseeker Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 So this is your stepdaughter and your friend is your husbands ex-wife? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estradling75 Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 I'm going to take a different look at it. Whenever you choose to date a person with kids you have to accept the fact that the kids are an additional factor or complication to the relationship. You need to prepare yourself to accept all olive branches now and in the future from the daughter. If you can't convince yourself to do it for forgiveness or any other gospel principal then you need to do it for your girl-friend's sake. And if doing it for your girl-friend (and potentially future wife) is not enough or you see it becoming not enough some day... Then you need to do a serious re-thinking on if that relationship should continue. Accepting the olive branch doesn't mean you let her walk all over you... You can stand your ground, it simply means that you are not the one to sever the relationship. As long as you are with the mother you must accept that the daughter will be a part of your life. If you can't accept that then you should really be re-thinking having a relationship with your girl-friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulder Posted May 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) ... Edited June 4, 2013 by Ulder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 Being civil to someone you're having differences with isn't putting on an act, it's being an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulder Posted May 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 so i shouldnt make a statement im offended and shocked and had enough by not showing up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 No, you should model mature, adult behavior by accepting her apology and giving her the opportunity to make amends. Reward her for apologizing, don't punish her. If she shows a pattern of lashing out, apologizing, and not making an effort to change, that's another thing. But as I understand it, this is the first time she has apologized. Do you want to discourage repentant behavior? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 but i feel that if i accept her apology just like that and come to her B-day party it wont be sincere, it will be like putting up an act. Because I am deeply hurt and shocked, i have really had enough of her behaviour and cant really forgive her in my heart yet, and she has apologised for her temper before and then after a while it becomes the same again. So im kinda tired of turning the other cheek, and i feel i should stick to what i said and show her i mean business? And not let her get away with just an apology AGAIN?is it wrong to stand up and defend your loved one against her own children if they are unfair to her? Has any of you been in my shoes?It's time for YOU to be the grown-up. Accept her apology. Let go of your need to be "right" or to punish or to be in control or whatever it is that is standing in your way.She is not your daughter. You are dating her mother, not married to her. You don't have stewardship over the daughter. If you have concerns about the daughter's behavior, discuss them with her mother and father. As the boyfriend, you don't get a vote in this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 so i shouldnt make a statement im offended and shocked and had enough by not showing up?Oh, you'll be making a statement all right, just not the one you think you are. And it will be clearest to the adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 It's time for YOU to be the grown-up. Accept her apology. Let go of your need to be "right" or to punish or to be in control or whatever it is that is standing in your way.She is not your daughter. You are dating her mother, not married to her. You don't have stewardship over the daughter. If you have concerns about the daughter's behavior, discuss them with her mother and father. As the boyfriend, you don't get a vote in this.Even if he was married to the mother, he still has no disciplinary stewardship over the daughter as she is 23 and is an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) so i shouldnt make a statement im offended and shocked and had enough by not showing up?Okay, this advice applies only because the daughter is an adult.Ulder, you don't have to show up to your GF's daughter's bday. But, you took offense for your GF, not for you. It then defeats the purpose of protecting your GF if you then turn around and not support her - forcing her to choose between you and her daughter. So, if your GF wants you to go to the party, the best thing to do is support your GF and go.Also, punishing another adult for bad behavior by ostracizing is so.... high school. Adults don't punish another adult like that. You can't discipline adults. Yes, you don't have to meet/be with the other adult - but that's not punishing the other adult, that's just - avoiding a bad situation.Now, here's Social Interaction 101 applicable to interactions between 2 adults:A rebuke is more powerful when dealt in a clear, concise, no-nonesense manner with no bad energy. This puts all the negativity on one side while the person who gave the rebuke is free and clear with character unsullied. Then there's no question on who the bad actor is.Let's apply it to your situation. Two adults - your GF's daughter and you.Adult 1: <yelling and screaming and being a pain>Adult 2: <catches Adult 1's eye, holds her attention by maintaining eye contact and calmly and seriously says> "Your action is completely disrespectful to your mother that gave you life. This behavior is not tolerated in my presence. Now, be a good girl and pass me the ketchup." <thus ending the rebuke and moving on. Calling her a girl in this case is acceptable as she was acting immature.>Or something to that effect.That's all you need to do. If the yelling and screaming does not stop, you can walk out without having to say anything else. Or, if it is your house, you can ask her to leave without further explanations.Anything after that is a restart. When you meet her again and she continues bad behavior, then do it again. If you get tired of dealing with the bad behavior, avoid meeting her again. Except, in your case, your access to the daughter is dependent on your GF, so if you want to avoid meeting her again, you might have to break up with the GF. Edited May 14, 2013 by anatess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 By the way, she is not your stepdaughter. Your thread title is misleading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 changed the title for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 We are to forgive 70 times 7 times. That said, tell the daughter that you forgive her, however there will have to be some new rules that you can all agree upon set up. You do not want to make a ton of rules, just 3 or 4 basic ones that establish respect, consideration for the other person, and possible consequences for breaking those rules. Everyone needs to agree to this, with the focus on developing a loving home without contention. Then, go and enjoy the birthday party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 It makes a huge difference that the daughter is an adult. Not being a child you should not be treating her as a child. Rameumpton gave some excellent advice. I would go with it. "We are to forgive 70 times 7 times. That said, tell the daughter that you forgive her, however there will have to be some new rules that you can all agree upon set up. You do not want to make a ton of rules, just 3 or 4 basic ones that establish respect, consideration for the other person, and possible consequences for breaking those rules. Everyone needs to agree to this, with the focus on developing a loving home without contention. Then, go and enjoy the birthday party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulder Posted May 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) ... Edited June 4, 2013 by Ulder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 Thank you all for your answers. I know i may seem like an immature adult full of pride, who cant accept an apology. But you dont know the whole story. And i wont bother you with it either. Im a little surprised you all condemn me so hard, wouldnt you have eventually stood up and defended your partner if her kids were being very disrespectful and ungrateful towards their mother/father?I think you are misinterpreting people's responses. You asked for advice, and people gave you advice: Act the part of an adult and forgive her. Reward good behavior; don't punish it. I sensed no hostility toward you in the responses, just honest advice. Specifically, I don't think anyone took exception to your intervention in the daughter's verbal abuse of her mother.If you are going to marry this woman, you will definitely need to be skilled in dealing with her daughter, because the daughter will be a lifelong part of the package. Establish good, mature, grown-up ways of dealing with her now, and that will save you great headaches in the future. I think that's mostly what people have been saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windseeker Posted May 14, 2013 Report Share Posted May 14, 2013 If you felt hostility from the beginning and this girl is now apologizing after you stood up for her mother, that is huge positive step on her part. You can either confirm and sustain her hositilty or put it to rest by your response. My wife is the step-mother to my 4 kids and when my kids are disrespectful I'd prefer she just comfort me afterward. I don't need her to react and widen the rifts in the family. Every book I've read on blended families says the same thing. Step-parents should stay out of conflict and discipline and leave it up to the birth parents. You refusing to attend her party after she apologized would send up red flags to me. I would expect lots of boycotts, silent treatments and withholding of affection in the future. You can choose to be a uniting force rather than a dividing force it's up to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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