Stuck in a rut with my sexual addiction and getting married in 2 months!


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I am Kat and I'm 23. I've been active in the church for 7 months now, despite a few slip ups.

I've sworn in anger here and there, I've masturbated out of anger and frustration at least 4 times after my repentance and re-activity (went cold turkey on the sex for that to work of course) and I'm an avid self-harmer/anger management wannabe.

I assume I have a problem/addiction because it does affect everyday life. I feel like such a pervert, these thoughts I get in my head to do with sex or having sex with my future husband. I do it way too much and I don't know if it's normal or not. I feel like I'm going crazy and every time I get a sexual urge I get really angry, I hit myself, cut myself, the works. When none of that pain works, I masturbate with means to hurt myself down there too. It just makes me SO mad! This happens every 1-2 months. I've repented through prayer, been happy and fine for 5 weeks, then BAM. Depression hits.

Getting married soon has sort of awoken and heightened those senses once more that I thought I had long suppressed. Simply going cold turkey and never speaking of sex again isn't the way forward if I am to have sex again once I'm married. I was actually worried at one point that I wasn't sexually attracted to my fiancé.

Longer story made shorter, I feel like I'm going insane, for real. Sex is everywhere and me getting married and getting to have sex is amazing, but it's also really worrying if I become a sex addict. I live in the UK, so the recovery program isn't as big here that I'm aware of. I fear that if I go to Bishop now, do the whole repentance thing again I won't be able to attend my temple prep classes in order to be sealed in the temple after our civil marriage (as is done in the UK). There is just too much pressure on everything and I'm going to lose it sometime soon.

I feel it's enough to pray and to repent that way, even though I fall down every so often I don't feel horrible enough to speak with Bishop. I really don't know what to do. I feel like smashing my head through a table. If I feel that it's not worth talking to Bishop, does that mean I feel that it's not an important sin to repent of or that I'm trying to justify it in some way?

The answer I'm looking for is that I can overcome this myself and with the help of my future husband and we can come up with ways of keeping a chaste mind even after we're married.

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Not sure what to tell you, Kat. Sex is amazing. It's a good thing. I do not know exactly what "sex addiction" means, but I assume there is no such thing between a husband and wife, unless you are literally unable to function normally in life because of sexual desire -- maybe, say, six months after the wedding. After you are married, chastity involves giving yourself totally to your spouse and to no other, and experiencing sex as the great and Godly gift it is rather than as some form of self-pleasuring mutual masturbation, which seems to be the world's take on marital sex.

Work for self-control. Masturbation is not good, and you should control those urges, but for heaven's sake, let's not magnify this into murder or rape. Christ's gospel is not a system of self-condemnation. It's good that you are not justifying yourself, but I think it's possible to go too far in the other direction and over-condemn yourself for actions which, while not good or Godly, are not the end-of-the-world things you seem to be suggesting they are.

I have no suggestions for the cutting or self-hitting. I have sympathy for your struggles, but that's a level of messed-up that is totally outside my experience. I'm thinking professional help is probably in order for that. Good luck, in any case.

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There are things you can do about cutting and self-harm. I don't know what they are, but its causes and treatment are much better understood these days than even just 5 years ago.

From what I do know, it involves figuring out what issue you're trying to treat, and then finding more appropriate ways to deal with it.

Good luck and God bless.

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Does your fiancé know?

You didn't say one way or another, but I have a suspicion that he does not.

If he does not then this issue becomes something that he needs to know about. Because marriage isn't a cure for the issues you have. While being married will be an outlet for the sex issues. An outlet isn't a cure and it doesn't even touch the self harm issues. You are going to have to deal with those issues for a good long while and that means so is your fiancé. Blindsiding him with it months or even years into your marriage is not a good idea.

If he knows then you have a better chance of having a successful marriage.

As for if you should talk to your bishop... Around here the answer to that question when people ask it is yes. Your bishop has the keys and the authority. If he says you don't then you don't and you can lay your doubts and fears to rest. If its a yes then he is there to walk you thought it. No one here can offer that for you.

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Kat, thank you for coming here for answers. Is it possible to overcome sexual addictions--absolutely! Is it easy--NO WAY! If I didn't believe that change from addictions was possible, I would be a lousy counselor. I know change is possible because I've seen it in my counseling office and experienced it myself. That you are willing to seek help for these problems shows a tremendous amount of strength and integrity. Stay strong! Keep at it!

Our Heavenly Father is someone who wants us to be hopeful and happy. Satan wants us to be discouraged and miserable. When you get those thoughts in your head that you are a __________, or a ____________, or whatever it may be, push those thoughts out quickly. They are only coming from the father of lies. He tells lies to help you feel miserable. When you sin, Satan wants you to think that all hope is lost and that you are completely worthless.

On the other hand, Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ want you to know that there is hope after sin. Jesus doesn't shun you when you sin, but says, "Come unto me." His atonement is real and is part of our eternal plan of happiness. Let him heal you. Your Bishop is available to help you access the fullness of the Atonement. Let him help you. He is the Lord's servant and is there to help.

Let Christ's Atonement heal you. As you put your trust in him, he will lift your burdens and help you find true happiness. You are a strong woman (tell yourself that). Stay strong, and don't give up.

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Not sure what to tell you, Kat. Sex is amazing. It's a good thing. I do not know exactly what "sex addiction" means, but I assume there is no such thing between a husband and wife, unless you are literally unable to function normally in life because of sexual desire -- maybe, say, six months after the wedding.

I know the situation Kat is in isn't a laughing matter and I'm not sure if you intended this or not, but this part of your post just struck me as funny.

Regards,

Finrock

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I hope you aren't thinking a normal sex drive and urges is 'sex addiction'. Just because you have strong desires doesn't make you abnormal. The self-harming (stemming from anger and self-loathing for what you perceive is a sinful lack of self-control?) might stop after you are married and have a legitimate outlet for your desires.

Stop beating yourself up (literally) over having desires for physical intimacy. You can see the end in sight, stay worthy so you can be married in the temple - you and your husband are worth it.

And not to sound cliche (though I probably will anyway), when you are having thoughts or feelings you aren't comfortable with before marriage, then do something physically exerting and non-sexual to take your mind off things - go to the gym and do some boxing or go for a fast walk/slow run. Seriously, it can't hurt :D

If all that fails, then it might be time for some professional counseling (especially with the self-harming).

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Kat,

Everyone that has responded has had excellent comments. It's nice to see the true concern and caring that is directed toward you. Good people on here.

There is one topic, however, that I don't see addressed. I could have skimmed over it and for some reason didn't see any comments; this is the basis of my thoughts.

Darlin, you have to go to the Bishop before you dare enter the Temple. Your thought process, although understandable, is not accurate. Getting married outside of the Temple is all good. It's legal. It's a good decision. Especially knowing the trouble you are having with your self-control. Being married will take so much pressure off of you. This is a good thing. However...and this is a HUGE however, Hon, you have got to take it to the Lord and repent before you enter the Temple. It's an entirely different ball game, so to speak.

Honestly, your fiance probably wants the intimacy as much as you do. Nothing wrong with that. It's just this other thing...entering the Temple...thinking all you have to do is pray and it will be okay.

I remember going through a session once when something was weighing on my mind. I knew I really needed to speak to the Bishop first, but decided it was too embarrassing to admit I had work to do before I really was worthy to go through that particular session. I went anyway. I had a horrible, terrible headache all the way through the session. I felt dirty. Not that I was, but that's how I felt. To top it all off, during the session, the Brother presiding over the session actually stopped the session.

He said (and I QUOTE), "There is someone here unworthy to be within the walls of the Temple. Please leave and return when you have handled your situation."

I started to cry. I was so humiliated. As I started to stand, a brother stood up on the other side of the room, nodded to the brother in the front an walked out of the session. The brother then simple said, "We will continue".

It wasn't ME! You can't imagine the relief I felt. What I thought was so horrible, was not. It was a weakness I had to work on. I did speak to my Bishop. He was kind and loving and the glint in his eyes told me he was probably finding great humor in the situation.

I learned so much that day. The biggest lesson...trust in the Lord and confess it all. Nothing is ever so bad that we can't deal with it. I made myself physically ill for no reason. (Is fear a valid reason? Nope) It will all work out and be okay in the end. And if it's not yet okay, it's not over yet!

You can do it, Darlin. We are with you!!!

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It is better to not go to the temple if you are not ready. Dont put more pressure on yourself. Work through what ever you have too, then go. The best thing imho to do, is talk to your soon to be husband then make an appointment then make appointment for u and ur future husband to see the bishop. Dont give up on yourself, get the counseling you deserve and know that you are a child Of God..and you deserve the very best of all things.

Edited by Roseslipper
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Hi I still haven't figured out how to reply to everyone individually. Here goes,

Thank you Roseslipper I feel so loved by everyone as this is something I am really struggling with.

I know what I should do now, I just dislike waiting around for things to happen. Patience is something I must learn! As for counselling, I just don't know how to even go about that. All things will work out I'm sure, as long as I do something about it.

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Thank you so much Letrell for sharing that story with me. I can just imagine the horror on my face if I dared to go to the temple without resolving anything. I will text my bishop asap to arrange an appointment, it's how we roll. I think the reason why I feel so ashamed is because I've done so well in the past 7 months and it feels like I'm trying to prove myself to everyone and to bishop that I'm OK, I can handle myself, but I just can't any more and I need to come to terms with it and have him help me once more.

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I hope you aren't thinking a normal sex drive and urges is 'sex addiction'. Just because you have strong desires doesn't make you abnormal. The self-harming (stemming from anger and self-loathing for what you perceive is a sinful lack of self-control?) might stop after you are married and have a legitimate outlet for your desires.

That's such a good point, this is where I'm confused as to whether the thoughts and feelings I have are actually normal. As I've grown up I've always been a very sexually active girl, I remember masturbating when I was about 5 years old and I knew it was something private that I shouldn't tell people about at that age, then as I grew into a teenager sex was normal 2-3 times a week until I joined the church. Now having gone cold turkey after over 15 years of such sexual behaviour I feel like I'm literally going insane and actually don't know what is a normal sexual desire! The self harm comes from this confusion and anger. :confused:

I will persevere!

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Thanks Vort, I've always been able to function normally and sex has never been an issue until now, I think about sex more than the average non church member man! Or at least I used to, now I'm getting much better at it because I know it's wrong to think about sex so much or at all. I know I'm a bit of a drama queen, I know it's not the worst thing in the world that I have done or could do, I just need to learn how to deal with it all. I will look for help, I just don't want to be a crazy pill popper.

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From what I do know, it involves figuring out what issue you're trying to treat, and then finding more appropriate ways to deal with it.

Good luck and God bless.

That's what I'm scared to find out, but I know it will help me in the long run and control my inner beast.

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Does your fiancé know?

Yes - for the most part. He is aware and I have told him about these things, we've just never been able to have a proper conversation about it. The best advice he gave me was "to get professional help" which is absolutely useless to someone who just wants to "talk" and have him understand it's something that's a part of me that I need help with and not have to find a solution asap like most men think - or so he tells me men think that way!

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Hi Kat,

My daughter has had issues with self-harm. I have heard that Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be very helpful.

Some additional thoughts -

Marriage can bring its own set of issues and it's important that you learn to manage your strong feelings in a healthy manner. In Marriage both partners desire fluctuates. So it's important that you learn to communicate your needs and he be able to respond and vice versa.

Edited by Windseeker
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Satan wants us to be discouraged and miserable... the father of lies. He tells lies to help you feel miserable. When you sin, Satan wants you to think that all hope is lost and that you are completely worthless.

This is EXACTLY how I feel when I'm in these moods. I just can't do anything about it myself just yet. I will keep trying. Satan will do everything to stop me from being happy, even the stupid little things that make me mad he'll tempt me with.

I actually tried seeing a counsellor once, a regular one. He charged me what I could afford as I'm usually poor which was nice and he did try to help me, but I just couldn't get the words out once again. I never told him what my problem really was and just spoke about other problems in my life because I was too ashamed about self harm and sexual promiscuity. Maybe the fact that he wasn't a member of the church and the Lord couldn't be a part of our conversation or maybe it was because he's a man. I don't know, I just can't get the words out, but I will try and speak with my fiancé tonight about it all in DETAIL and not leave any parts out like I have done before so he knows what I'm dealing with 100%.

He always tells me I'm not crazy though. Which makes me laugh, because I certainly feel crazy at times. I feel so much happier today.

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Kat27, Im glad that you are texting your bishop, hope u did it already that's your first big step, now it's all taking little baby steps, life's a journey right? You do not have to be a crazy pill popper. Get counseling from the bishop and ask him if there's an Lds counselor get the phone# from him and make that call. And it's wonderful that u did it for 7 months, but u have underlying issues that need help. And there's nothing wrong with that. And yes you will preserve. If you need a friend you have one in me, and many others in here. You can do it girl! Step by step.

with love

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If you are still looking for an LDS Counselor, here is the phone number for the LDS Family Services in England:

011-44-121-712-1188

They are located in Birmingham. If you do not live close to them, still give them a call, and they might know of counseling resources where you live.

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Kat27, Im glad that you are texting your bishop, hope u did it already that's your first big step

I DID IT!!! I text him this morning when I had time so I can get everything off of my mind finally. This was something I wanted to talk about previously, I just never thought it was really a problem until now. I suppose it being in the back of my head for 7 months should've been a good sign! Thanks so much for your support :) xx

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Thank you Windseeker, I will see what forms of counselling are available to me. I have spoken to my fiancé and he is super supportive which is so much more than I could ask for. We both struggle with similar issues and we are both on the same page which makes it easier to help each other, not saying it's going to be easy though - far from it. I know not to be ashamed or embarrassed with the right sort of people that are trying to help me and that not everyone needs to know my business. :)

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Thank you for that number I have saved it in my contacts. Birmingham is not close by at all, but I will speak with my bishop this Sunday and if needs be I can still call the number and they will surely refer me to a more appropriate location. :)

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