Independent Play for a 3-Year-Old

[HawaiianShirts]

My son, Little Shirts, is halfway between his third and fourth birthdays. He seems smart. He is socially aware and quite articulate. He doesn't seem to have quite as much active energy as other kids in his age range, but that doesn't bother me any. The problem is that he won't play by himself.

I'm not saying that he CAN'T play by himself. He can. He used to do it. But he won't anymore. I can't figure out why or what to do about it.

He's our only kid so far (one more on the way). We read him stories (which he loves), and we play with him. Sometimes I'll get out my old Lego collection and build something with him. Or he and I will make elaborate train track layouts in the living room. Or I'll engage him with a modified game of Chess or Sorry or a card game. Or he will get out some of his Hot Wheels cars so we can race them across the kitchen floor. And it's all good fun.

During the day, while I'm at work, his mom will do many of the same things with him. Sometimes they'll run a few errands together or go spend a day at the park. I've occasionally come home to find them cooking together or gardening together or (once) even cleaning together.

So he's definitely not neglected, so far as I can tell.

He is allowed up to 90 minutes of screen time per day. That includes TV (usually PBS or one of our DVDs), video games (I found some kid-friendly ones that he and his mom play together cooperatively), and computer stuff (he loves the PBS Kids site). But I want to emphasize that this is a 90-minute allowance, and he seldom uses all of it. In fact, I'd say that his average is 45-60 minutes a day on three or four days of the week.

He has his own Lego collection, dozens of Hot Wheels cars, the old orange Hot Wheels track, multiple bags of blocks, crayons and paper, puppets, CDs to listen to, a marble tower, wooden train track to build with, a bowling set, a golf set, balls, games, puzzles, and lots of other things to play with, all within easy reach, and many of them rotated every three months so they feel new. We've showed him how to make up stories with his stuffed animals or with his cars.

But lately, if we're not playing with him, he'll either pester us for attention or sit on the couch and do nothing. Yesterday, I found that Mrs. Shirts had taken a nap, and Little Shirts had been just sitting with his teddy bear for over an hour, being bored.

His idea of playing with his train track now is watching me build the track layout. As soon as it's fully assembled, he wants to do something else, even though I've done all the "playing." It's become a kind of passive playtime for him, and it takes away from my time, energy, and patience.

So I guess that's the long way of asking: Does anybody have any ideas that I could try to get my kid to spend more time playing by himself when his parents are not directly engaged with him?

[Wingnut]

Sounds totally normal to me.

Also, does he know that Mom is expecting? He might be dealing with a little anxiety related to that.

[Gwen]

I was thinking it sounded pretty normal as well. That is why so many parents let the tv "babysit". If I need to get something done the tv is a great distractor.

I would be preparing him for the new arrival if you haven't started. Talk about the fun of a sibling but also make sure he understands that brand new babies mostly sleep and eat. If mom will be nursing he needs to be prepared for that aspect of it. You can also start teaching him the words he will need to express frustration later. Like when you get home and need to talk to your wife for a little bit tell him he needs to go play it's "mommy daddy time". But then when you are done tell him how much you missed him and now you need some "daddy little shirts time". Then, hopefully lol, after the baby comes instead of throwing a fit or demanding attention he can tell you he needs some "little shirts time".

In my opinion kids 1 and 3 are the hardest. With 1 it's all you for entertainment (that's where you are). With 2 they can kinda entertain each other when old enough. With 3 it's the first time you are out numbered (hands and parents) and you have to learn a whole new way to do things. After 4 it's pretty much the same. lol

[applepansy]

Three to Four years old..... totally normal kid. As you add siblings it will become easier. When he starts preschool it will get easier. In the meantime, you're not only Dad and Mom, but playmates too.

I'm amazed that he sat quietly for an hour while Mom napped and didn't get into trouble. That's pretty self controlled for his age. :)

Parenting takes a lot of time and energy parents often don't have. Get used to it now and decide to enjoy it. If he's not "helping" you build the track then do something else. Set some playtime rules. Sitting and watching Daddy play isn't playing. Give him choices, such as "If you want to play cars then we play together. If you aren't going to play with me then we'll put the cars away and do something else." At this age making decisions about how he spends is time is appropriate, just limit the choices. Giving a 3-4 yo 4-5 choices is overwhelming.

Now would be a good time to start with art supplies. Coloring, painting, play dough, beads and pipe cleaner, etc. Also things that help him refine his fine motor skills. There are soft plastic beads you place on a hard plastic grid and when finished with the design then a parent uses an iron to melt the soft beads together. My grandson loves to play with them. He calls it designing. He doesn't always want them melted together so we've been able to play and play without buying more and more. Sidewalk chalk. An easel with dry erase on one side and chalk board on the other. A roll of butcher paper.

Teach him how to work and make it fun. Making cookies with Mom and learning to measure will teach him math skills. Folding clothes and putting them away. A child his age can fold wash clothes (just don't get picky :) ). He is also old enough to put the silver ware away when you unload the dishwasher.

When my grandson was 3 I often had him stand on the chair at the sink while I washed the pans and dishes that didn't fit in the dishwasher. He loved it. Now he's 5 and he's learning to load the dishwasher too.

In a nutshell, make chores part of playtime with mom and dad. :)

Good Luck! But most importantly, ENJOY! This time will pass too quickly and you'll wish you could go back.

[viannqueen3]

My 5 year old daughter is the same way and has been since she was that age also. 95% of the time she won't entertain herself, but will instead pester me or my husband to the point where we blow a gasket. She will do this all.day.long. Doesn't matter if she's had a fun day of playing with us or when we've been spending a lot of one on one time with her. TV or movies doesn't hold her attention for very long either. She constantly craves social interaction- so much so that she pretty much refuses to do anything by herself. It's exhausting.

One thing you could try is to have him do an hour or 1/2 hour of "quiet time" in his room everyday. He can take a nap or is allowed to play quietly in his room. But they aren't allowed out of the room until their time is up. Other than that I don't have any ideas- just wanted to let you know that your not alone and it's not something my daughter has grown out of. Preschool was a lifesaver for me. My son isn't this way. He will play for hours by himself in the backyard and the contrast is very apparent that for us it's just a personality issue and has nothing to do how we are parenting them.

[classylady]

My 3 1/2 year old granddaughter is similar. She doesn't want to entertain or play by herself, whereas her younger sister can/will. I am my son's "nanny", so I'm over there every day. It can be exhausting trying to keep her entertained. She loves to help with laundry, dishes, etc. She loves to "pretend" play. By that, I mean, pretend to play house, doctor, etc. But, she wants me to pretend with her. She doesn't want to play by herself. And really, can you blame her? It's much more fun and easier to have someone to play with.

[HawaiianShirts]

Apparently, all I had to do was post about it online in near desperation. Just days ago, he's decided that playing by himself isn't so bad after all. He still pesters me, and I'll play with him when I can, but he suddenly started listening when I ask him to go do something on his own.

Weird.

I would be preparing him for the new arrival if you haven't started. Talk about the fun of a sibling but also make sure he understands that brand new babies mostly sleep and eat. If mom will be nursing he needs to be prepared for that aspect of it.

We have been trying to tell him about the pending sibling, but I'm not sure how much he understands. Now he will talk to Mrs. Shirts' tummy with things like, "Wake up, baby! Hello, baby!"

If he's not "helping" you build the track then do something else. Set some playtime rules. Sitting and watching Daddy play isn't playing. Give him choices, such as "If you want to play cars then we play together. If you aren't going to play with me then we'll put the cars away and do something else."

...

There are soft plastic beads you place on a hard plastic grid and when finished with the design then a parent uses an iron to melt the soft beads together. My grandson loves to play with them. He calls it designing. He doesn't always want them melted together so we've been able to play and play without buying more and more.

Good points. Also: Perler beads! Brilliant! I played with those when I was younger. I wonder if Mom still has that big bucket of them...

[Wingnut]

I looked at Perler beads at a craft store a few weeks ago. They're recommended for ages 6+. Three might still be a little young for them.