Help! What to do, what to feel??


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Hello all, (it's kind of long)^_^

The last 21 months in which I've been married, I've had the most challenging times in my life not that my life has been easy but different, my spiritual life it’s been decreasing at the point that I’m not longer active at church, not reading my scriptures or praying in a daily basis.

I’m somehow losing myself, I guess, I’ve convinced myself that being “happily married” is enough for me to be happy, I’ve come to this forums before and in my last posts I’ve been encouraged to keep it up in my marriage and stay firm and faithful but even though all my attempts to do so have failed and now I find myself missing and wanting that life again which makes me want to get out of my marriage. (My husband does not longer believe in God or anything that it can’t be proved to exist.) :(

So I was going to church and always being asked about my husband and it became a pain to excuse him or explain the situation and then somehow I found myself doubting about God but couldn’t there is so many pleads answered and many many blessings and guidance that I couldn’t deny or pretend that those were mere coincidences, but I was sick and then I put a lot of excuses to skip church also every time I went after coming home it felt a weird and awkward sensation around me and my husband, and then went 2 months ago and my bishop talked to me, he asked me in detail my relationship and my spiritual life, so he said, (since I got married I have thought getting divorce endless times) as a bishop I can not tell you or suggest to anyone to get divorce BUT if your spirit is falling and walking away from God, you better consider it and think about future babies without the gospel. I got really mad about what my bishop told me, my husband is a good one and cares for me and blah blah, so I stop going or even considered going to church, because I feel lonely and frustrated and judged.

So a few days ago, I had a dream, it was a blurry one, and in it I was surrounded by men but not just men they were as I could felt on my dream great lds men and I saw a big picture with some phrases that I can’t remember but it brought to me a great desire to have a spiritual life as I was always wanted and was preparing to it but since that dream I have felt the hole I was trying to cover up, now I find myself wondering, what I want in life, if I want to stay away from God and married or single with Him. I don’t want to try to change my husband, I have respected his decisions but he is a big influence on me even though he doesn’t try to convince or keep me away from God.

I was reading some posts and just wanted to let go all the thoughts I have, I know it is easy just start going to church but I know I’ll be asked about why I haven’t gone and then I will get overwhelm by so many people talking and asking about my life and husband. It is a bad thing some times to be really familiar with the people in your ward for 15 years, sometimes is not that easy.

Please if you want o share, or give advice, I'll be happy to know about it.

Edited by CTR4life
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Dear Sister,

I don't know whether you'll like or appreciate my advise but I feel for you and would like to help. There have been long periods of my life where I knew not how to answer someone's question of "How are you doing?"

Such questions would frustrate me because I knew they weren't asking me to unburden my hearts to them or pour out a river of pain yet I wouldn't know how to reply as I still wanted to remain truthful.

Sometimes I would say, "I'm going through some very painful and difficult afflictions right now and if you would keep me in your prayers I would appreciate it."

I found that when I did, I received an outpouring of love from my ward members that lifted and gladdened my heart. They respected my privacy and didn't try to press for the details of my afflictions but indicated their love by asking if there was anything they could do to help. Again I would ask to be kept in their prayers.

Having been in the ward for over 15 years surely they love you like family. Surely they are concerned and want to know whats hurting you. Of course they want to know where you've been. Yet if you feel uncomfortable sharing the details, why not do what I did?

"I'm really struggling spiritually right now and I would greatly appreciate if you would keep me in your prayers. Thank you for helping me feel welcome."

If they still probe, "I don't feel like going into the details but if you would pray for me I would appreciate it."

The same course could be taken with your husband. While there is no shame in admitting you need help or are struggling.

"We haven't seen your husband forever! Where is he and is everything all right?"

"He is really struggling spiritually and I would greatly appreciate your prayers on our behalf."

Such a course is humble, truthful, and allows you to maintain your privacy while still inviting and receiving an outpouring of love and support from ward family members.

After all, you are struggling spiritually are you not? Seeing as you do need help, why not ask for it?

Personally if it was me I'd take it one step further and ask the Bishop if he could ask the Ward to fast on you and your husband's behalf regarding spiritual trials your family is going through.

I know you feel judged but I hope you'll trust me when I say that I know most of the time those feelings of being judged by your ward members are simply not true. Instead they are the lies of the Devil who does not want you there and sincerely seeks to drive you from the safety of the flock.

I know they miss you. Please come back?

Sincerely,

Brother M.

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Martain,

Thank you so much for taking the time and helping me with it, I haven't thought how to aproach members and this are great advices, but since Mexicans are more pushy haha it will take time for them to realized that I dont want to talk about it but sure they love me and since I don't have parents they are really protective and caring which I appreciate.

Thank you!

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