Totally stumped.

[girlygirl]

Im just stumped with a problem that just doesn't have an easy solution. I'm hoping to gather some opinions to decide what's right for me to do...

I am married to a convert and have a baby boy. My relationship with my inlaws is not the greatest, but I think since having my baby, their first grandson, we are connecting a lot better. Now looking back I think it in all honesty was because they are atheists and were very skeptical of their son dating a Mormon girl, and I believe feel like I have 'brainwashed' him to accept my world view and get baptized, my brother in law has hinted at this a lot but that's a long story and not what I would like advice about...

I really enjoying getting together with dh family and extended family functions, although do belief their humor is really out of line. Grandma was saying after a road trip joking we should buy baby a mini tv so he can watch cartoons while we drive. Great grandma was holding my baby and said to him, no he doesn't want to watch cartoons he wants to watch naked women! Everyone but me and dh thought this was hilarious including baby who laughed and my heart just sank.

Later that day at our family gathering baby kept staring at the food we were eating and I said baby just can't wait to eat solids and father-in law went on to say that I should just smear the food on my boobs I'm sure he'd love that and then uncle was like ya and made sucking noises. Dh was like like hey guys that's too far but they proceeded to make cracks about my boobs and baby and again everyone was just laughing it up.

I couldn't sleep all night I was just so offended and worried baby is going to grow up in this environment. Sure its their choice to talk about what they want amoung themselves, but these guys seem to be the only people i know that dont respect you should change up the language when kids are present and have limits. Dh always says to cut it out but they don't listen because everyones just laughing it up and he says there's only so much he can say- his family isn't the heart to heart type and dont ever really talk about problems at all and funny thing is THEY would be offended that Im just a prude and don't like their humor.

I can take the jokes about me. I unfortunately have had to before already but it breaks my heart to see an innocent baby involved in these remarks. It feels so frusterating because I'm just starting to kind of go beyond the small talk to a better relationship with them. They are a really big part of my life I just don't know what to do?!?! Dh is also stumped and feels stuck because h loves his family but know this has to stop. What do we do? His dad is a pretty big man of the house patriarchal guy and we don't think would appreciate us telling him what is and is not appropriate and again just think 'oh that Mormon girl is warping my son'. So... What do I do?

[girlygirl]

I'd like to add the next day at breakfast with dh and brother in law I mentioned that that was really rude of his dad to say that stuff, and he literally spat back at me that that is just my perspective. I said no I think any girl would be extremely offended by a father in law saying to smear food on her breasts and dh chimed in and said ya that was really offensive to hear that about your wife and brother in law just stormed off so I hope you can see what I'm up against?!

[NeuroTypical]

I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is you're asking here. You married a guy who came from a pretty base family. When you go be with them, you'll experience their behavior, and so will your kid. This will never, ever, ever change.

Ever.

I guess you can maybe have rules in your home, and enforce them. That probably means throwing people out and causing a great big stink. I'd only consider that an option if your husband supports you.

But you can't really go hang out with them, and demand they stop being who they are. That's not how it works. Best you can do there, is learn to love people who wear their sins out where everyone can see them, and teach your baby how to do the same.

[mnn727]

Yeah, I kind of agree with Loudmouth -- That is who they are. Other than your husband letting them know their behavior is inappropriate your only option would be to limit their access to you and your family.

And yes, they are going to think that you corrupted your husband, but that's better than them corrupting your child.

Sad that people are like that but scripture said it would happen; people calling evil good, and good evil.

Remember they did raise your husband and he turned out good enough for you to marry him, so they're not all bad.

Edited June 3, 2013 by mnn727

[Martain]

What about asking them:

If you're pulled over for speeding and the cop is a women are you going to say such stuff about her breasts? If you're in front of a female judge in court are you going to say such stuff about her breasts? If one of your bosses or supervisors at work is a women would you say such stuff about their breasts? Would you say such stuff about your female coworkers breasts while at work?

It doesn't matter whether the setting is public private or professional. Such comments are rude and offensive to many individuals.

There are two primary reasons why they would choose not to say what they say to you to those other individuals. One reason is that they fear the consequences for doing so. The other reason is because they respect and don't want to offend those other individuals.

Ask them what their reason is for not saying such things in front of such individuals. Is it fear or is it respect. If it's respect, then why won't they respect you and your husband? If it's fear then they are openly admitting that they do not respect you or your husband and such an admission will prove useful.

Is there more to this story than meets the eye? Is this a common topic in his family growing up? If not, then what are their motives in saying these things? Is it lust?

How would I feel if I married a convert whose sisters made such comments about my sexual organs in front of my wife and children? How would I feel if they did so in front of a young daughter? How would I feel if they did so in front of a young son? What if they continue to do such when my children are old enough to understand their words? I wouldn't take my children into a brothel or a bar so why would I take them into a home where the communication may be similar?

Also, would such comments be sexual advances in disguise? If so I would likely part with their company the same way Joseph fled from Pottifer's adulterous wife. Likewise, you and your husband may want to pray regarding their intent for saying such things. I hope some of this will prove useful to you and don't envy your situation.

Sincerely,

Brother M.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Martain

[Windseeker]

I'd consider this advise I found on families.com

http://www.families.com/blog/choosing not to take offense

It is important to be careful when we choose to take offense at a comment. It is important to realize that it is something that we choose to do. There are comments that others will make at church that are hurtful, rude and uncalled for, but it is up to each one of us as to how we let that comment affect us. It is important to realize that we can choose to brush it aside or we can choose to dwell on it and let the comment affect us negatively for a long time.

Personally I have had times when I have been able to let go of an unkind comment and times when it has really bothered me. The times that the hurtful comments have gotten to me have been difficult ones. I have found that for me, I need to make it a matter of prayer. As I pray, I ask that I may have the strength to let go of the hurt feelings that I have and that I can forgive the other person. Then I try to reach out to the person who offended me, at times I am able to do this and others I am not.

It is also important to realize that many times people do not realize that they have offended you in some way. People often make comments or do things without thinking them through. Other people just do not realize that certain things may bother other people. The majority of the time this is what happens when a misunderstanding arises between two people. This is why it is important to give others the benefit of the doubt.

There are times when someone lashes out deliberately or a group of people gossip about others. When this happens it is often best to cut off contact with this person or group as much as possible. This will limit your interaction, and help you to avoid having negative feelings about others

[girlygirl]

I hope I'm not coming off as bashing my dh family as someone said I need to learn to love them but I do of course I love the sinner hate the sin. In this case I just feel like these comments literally poison my relationship with them and everytime we are enjoying having a good time visiting and they say something i just get an awful feeling in my stomach.

We were talking last night and dh said that what someone mentioned he grew up in this environment and he turned out respecting girls, if anything him and his male cousins just get weirded out when the adults say stuff like that and embarrassed. So does that mean I am just making a mountain out of a mole hill and I'm over reacting?

Again I really do love my inlaws and am SO happy our baby is bringing us closer. i don't want to cut them out of my life. If its not my place to ask them to change their behavior for my son and I don't want to limit being with them then I guess I don't have much options. I was just hoping someone would have a unique way of dealing with this.

I really want my son to be virtuous and I just feel it will be confusing growing up with people he loves talking about this stuff all the time, I mean if he is a baby and great grandma is talking about how he should be watching porn instead of cartoons how will it escalate when he is older?

Edited June 3, 2013 by girlygirl

[Guest]

The only additional advice I have is that as much as you can, don't reward them with a reaction. I know these kind of people, and they love to see you squirm. Practice acting like you don't notice or don't care, and if you get really good at changing the subject, so much the better. You can also get to be an expert at finding interesting things for you and your son to look at or talk about somewhere else. But the bigger a deal you make of it, the more fun it is for them.

[Just_A_Guy]

I'm not really much of a feminist, but comments like those referenced in the OP smack of misogyny to me. Shooting from the hip: I think it amazing that the OP's husband turned out as well as he did, and I sure as heck wouldn't expose my sons--or my wife--to that kind of crap.

[rameumptom]

Just have your husband explain to his family that you are raising the child with certain standards. You want them to be a part of his life and experience, but they will have to abide those standards with the child around. If they get rude, you warn them and they continue even after you tell them, then say that it is time for you to go. You then get up and leave. Once they see that such vulgar attitude denies them access to the baby, even though temporary, they will modify their behavior.

Do this each time you have a group activity. Their access to the baby depends on their behavior. Don't look for apologies, and don't give any. Just explain that this is your expectation for YOUR child. The better the behavior, the longer they can have with the child.

As for insulting you, I would suggest you leave at that time. Then your husband needs to call them later on the phone and chew out the offenders. This is HIS wife, not theirs, and he expects them to treat you like a lady.

[Lakumi]

I think, sometimes its hard for people without religious belief to understand the view of those with religious belief.

I don't understand such things myself, though I keep the crude jokes with the crude peoples (there are certain things I will not say infront of women, for example, but I site that to my personal law of chivalry)

Some people don't understand jokes like that really hurt or offend people, mostly because they've never come across anyone who was offended/hurt by them.

(A family of athiests aren't exactly going to mingle with church goers, I don't know any religious people, for example).

And I think, some wouldn't know how to react... that's what I think, anyways, from a more outsider prospective.

[EarlJibbs]

My opinion? Who cares if they think you are a prude? Who cares if they think you are too sensitive? As long as your husband supports you, then his familiy doesnt really matter.

What I would do (seriously, I would), is let them know that you want them to be a part of your families life and if they would also like that, set some rules. I would ditch either side of my family in an instant if it meant protecting mine from their lifestyle. I think they know we would also. I know that some of my inlaws think that we cant handle the fact that they drink and party so we are not included in a lot of their activities. Regardless of the fact that they think that we have no idea what happens in the world, I personally could not care less about it.

I know who I am and what I stand for. So do they. We have had to ask that my wifes father have NO contact with us a few times for his behavior. We do what is right for our family. The world is hard enough, we need to give our children the best possible chance. They get it hard enough at school and elsewhere, they shouldnt get it with family.

Best of luck with you. Each family has it's own dynamics, so I understand that my example and opinion may only be as good as my personal experience.

[Mojomanny]

I am new here and an investigator and perhaps see this a little differently.

First, kudos to your husband for speaking up and standing up for you.

Second, I do not see this a matter of religion. I see it as a matter of respect for you as a person and a lack of respect for your husband. I could never imagine saying anything like this to my relatives or anyone for that matter. It's rude, crude and inappropriate.

I think you should discuss the whole issue with your husband and determine how he feels about it. I would suggest that, with his support, you come up with a way of breaking the cycle. Ideally the next time a comment like that is made your husband would stand up and explain that it is inappropriate and disrespectful to both of you and that if it happens again you will both be leaving. If it does happen again, you both need to politely say "thank you for a nice day but we have to go now" and leave in as non-dramatic a fashion as possible.

Do not let them continue on. Your body is a Temple and you and your husband cannot allow others to disparage or treat you disrespectfully.

Sadly, I would ask if how the your father in law or brothers in law would feel if someone was making similar comments about their wives, but I am afraid of the answer. I sense they would say they wouldn't care, which I find tragically sad.

Hope this helps. It's my 2¢ and not worth the price you paid for it.

Please let us know how things work out.

[Gwen]

I have in-laws that sometimes take things too far in my opinion (not quite as bad as you describe). I don't make a lot of dramatics, I simply change what I do in relation to it. It's taken time but they are slowly changing. lol When they did things I had expressed not being ok with then I pull back without causing a scene. The visit is over or I refuse to let anyone else hold my baby or watch my kids.

They will figure out that being inappropriate limits their access without you saying anything if you don't want to make a direct confrontation (just know it takes a lot more time that way).

The wanting to watch porn comment, just calmly take your baby and go for a walk. The boobs comment I would have taken my baby, left the room and started packing my things and bid them goodbye. Give whatever reason you want but they will learn their behavior isn't working. ("I don't feel well" is a great reason. It's not a lie, their comments make you sick, but it's also non confrontational.)

You can't tell them how to be in their home but you can refuse to be in their home. You can tell them how to be in your home and if they don't then they aren't invited to later events.

Ppl will eventually learn that's "just how you are". Like most know you don't walk up to me and say "give me that baby" while taking him. You ask and I might just say "not now, thank you". lol

Sit down with your husband and decide where the lines are and how you will handle crossing those lines. If needs be come up with a code phrase or signal that you can say to each other meaning we need to leave asap. Doesn't matter why, you can talk about that later, just the code to start politely making the exit.

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