Life After Spouse's Infidelity...Now What?

[annaleigh]

This is my first time on a forum for support. I write this with a heavy heart and with a reluctant heart, as well. I am in need of direction and really needing to feel that there is hope for my situation. Sorry if this is long-but it will give you a sense of my story.

My husband and I were married in the temple over 10 years ago. We have 3 beautiful children and 1 on the way. Very early on in our marriage, I discovered my husband’s pornography addiction, which had resulted in breaking the law. I was literally blown away by this discovery and had found out at that time, that it was something he had been battling with since childhood. Over the years, we have battled his addiction, going through repentance, only to slip up again. Five years ago, my husband committed adultery. It was a heart-breaking situation for us both. It took me a long time to gain trust and to really feel loved. Years passed and unbeknownst to me, his addiction never really left. When an extreme amount of stress came up in our lives, the addiction reared its head once again, resulting in more occurrences of infidelity.

I didn’t think my heart was capable of handling such pain, and I am convinced it did not. I am more than convinced that the Savior gladly bore the brunt of the pain and anguish that I endured those first few weeks. We found out about ARG (Addiction Recovery Group) and the pilot program for the wives’ support group. We both started to attend and received a lot of help and guidance. I attended the temple as much as I could, prayed, fasted, read. I did everything that I knew could help. I counseled with our Bishop and Stake President on different occasions. I truly felt carried by the Lord those first few weeks. I knew without a doubt that I needed to stay with my husband. That as much as I wanted to abandon someone who caused me so much pain, I knew in my heart that the Lord wanted me to keep our little family together.

Months have passed. The Atonement and ARG has helped my husband to treat his addiction like a true addiction and has made it possible for him to rebuild his spiritual life again. The Atonement has been invaluable to me, to help me to feel loved by my Father in Heaven and to ease the pain. But, I don't love him. I want desperately to love him. I want more than anything to look at him the way I used to-with respect and admiration and feelings of love. I do not. I want to be filled with charity for him. My patriarchal blessing says very specific things about my spouse in it that are not true of our situation. My heart literally grieves, because I feel that I have been a good daughter-definitely not perfect, but that I have tried my best to keep my covenants and to stay true and faithful and yet I feel like I missed the memo. I want to have that Celestial marriage more than anything, but I don’t know what else to do.

I am clinging to the Lord daily to stay above water. As I have been going through this tremendously difficult time, I found out a couple of days ago, that my husband had a small slip again. He let me know that he needs to set up boundaries again, or he could see himself going down the same road again. What?! I don't know if my heart could bear any more, but my sweet dear children have kept me hanging on--and knowing that I need to stay true to my covenants. In my seemingly insignificant life, I have felt so much love from the Lord; but those feelings for my husband are not there. And I wonder if this is what I am called on to endure in this life. I know that we are to have joy in this life, even while undergoing challenges, and I am no exception. I have not lost hope, because I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and that the path I need to go is the one I am on. But, I do not know if I will receive a fullness of joy in this life---and that really hurts my heart. I fear that while trying to be a support to my husband, while overcoming this horrible addiction, I have consigned myself to a loveless and lackluster marriage. What do I do?

Annaleigh

[Guest]

I would go to marriagebuilders.com and do lots and lots of reading on recovering from infidelity.

I am very, very sorry for what you're going through. I know someone having similar problems and it's just heartbreaking. I pray that you will find love and trust in your marriage again.

[annaleigh]

Eowyn,

thank you so much. I have never heard of marriagebuilders and am anxious to read! I appreciate your quick reply...I'm on pins and needles!!

[skippy740]

I am clinging to the Lord daily to stay above water. As I have been going through this tremendously difficult time, I found out a couple of days ago, that my husband had a small slip again. He let me know that he needs to set up boundaries again, or he could see himself going down the same road again. What?! I don't know if my heart could bear any more, but my sweet dear children have kept me hanging on--and knowing that I need to stay true to my covenants. In my seemingly insignificant life, I have felt so much love from the Lord; but those feelings for my husband are not there. And I wonder if this is what I am called on to endure in this life. I know that we are to have joy in this life, even while undergoing challenges, and I am no exception. I have not lost hope, because I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and that the path I need to go is the one I am on. But, I do not know if I will receive a fullness of joy in this life---and that really hurts my heart. I fear that while trying to be a support to my husband, while overcoming this horrible addiction, I have consigned myself to a loveless and lackluster marriage. What do I do?

Annaleigh

Did he tell you, or did you "catch" him?

In the bolded part, he is asking you for help and telling you what he needs.

Let me ask you a question: Do you have HBO, Cinemax or other questionable cable channels in your home? (My guess is probably not.)

If your husband was an alcoholic, would you keep any liquor in the house?

If your husband was a smoker, would you allow any tobacco in your home?

Here's my real question: Do you have internet filters on all your computers in your home?

This is an example of boundaries that should be set in all homes, IMO.

I recommend the following FREE audio recording to help you learn how to help your husband who has admitted to his weakness to you:

A Better Mormon | Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

I think they are excellent and the price is certainly right.

Keep in mind that my comments are based primarily on pornography addiction, not necessarily on an extra-marital affair or anything like unto it. I would hope that he has cut off any ties to any women that he has previously been with and won't engage in any behavior that could lead to that occurring again.

Edited June 5, 2013 by skippy740

[applepansy]

I recommend the following FREE audio recording to help you learn how to help your husband who has admitted to his weakness to you:

A Better Mormon | Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

Educational. Thank you for the link

[John11111]

I second marriagebuilders.com, I also recommend marriage counseling as well its important or at least it was for me.

Also "his needs her needs" book is also highly recommended.

[Martain]

Do we look down on members with the flu, cancer or some other ailment who do not exercise faith sufficient to be healed miraculously by the laying on of hands?

How different is the above to the individual with an addiction who does not exercise faith sufficient to be healed miraculously by the laying on of hands?

I've heard and seen miracles where those with an addiction or illness are miraculously healed by the power of God. To where the addict no longer even desires the thing by which they were bound. To where the illness is just... gone.

Jesus Christ truly lives and the power of the atonement is real. I've seen first hand that an addict can receive not only power to change behavior but through repentance a change in their very nature. What is the difference between each? Faith.

We do not expect those without the faith to be healed to simply endure the illness without any aid do we? Why should the addict without enough faith to be healed believe they need or should endure the addiction without external aid either?

Yet for some reason, the individual sick with an addiction often believes they can or that they need to 'handle it' on their own. If they don't think this way regarding medical illness but seek out help, then why view an addiction as any different?

I know someone who was freed from the chains of their addictions. They reached a point where they could truly say in prayer with their whole heart that what ever it takes, how ever long it takes, no mater what they must give up, no matter what they must add in, what ever the pain and what ever the price, they will do it.

3 Nephi 12

23 Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—

24 Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.

They also sincerely sought to do the above.

3 Nephi 13:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

This too they did do.

Why did they receive such a change in heart and not the others I've seen? In pondering such I was taught that it was their faith.

Having forgiven all who had trespassed against them, having sought to provide restitution to all those they had trespassed against them, having exercised faith through repentance and having offered their whole heart as an offering, they were not turned away by the Lord but received a mighty change in heart to where even the desires was gone.

Has your husband done such? Does he have faith sufficient to be healed in the manner he seeks?

118 And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.

Faith precedes the miracle.

Ether 12:6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith

If he does not have such faith, how can he obtain it?

Romans 10:17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

How often does he read and study the scriptures or read the writings of latter day prophets current and past?

Coupled with the scriptures, "How Great Shall Be Your Joy" by Steven A Cramer is the book which the individual above indicated was pivotal in their gaining freedom. I feel to recommend it to you and your husband and that should you accept and read it, it will be a blessing.

D&C 42

43 And whosoever among you are sick, and have not faith to be healed, but believe, shall be nourished with all tenderness, with herbs and mild food, and that not by the hand of an enemy.

44 And the elders of the church, two or more, shall be called, and shall pray for and lay their hands upon them in my name; and if they die they shall die unto me, and if they live they shall live unto me.

45 Thou shalt alive together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.

46 And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them;

47 And they that die not in me, wo unto them, for their death is bitter.

48 And again, it shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed, and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed.

49 He who hath faith to see shall see.

50 He who hath faith to hear shall hear.

51 The lame who hath faith to leap shall leap.

52 And they who have not faith to do these things, but believe in me, have power to become my sons; and inasmuch as they break not my laws thou shalt bear their infirmities.

Have faith dear sister, all is not lost. Those promises are real and will yet be fulfilled conditional upon your faithfulness. I testify that Jesus Christ lives and is our loving Savior and Redeemer. I testify that the power of the atonement is real and has the power to change our very natures and do so in his name. The healing is real. God bless you.

With Love,

Brother M.

[livewell]

Annaleigh,

My heart hurts for you. Your story is very similar to mine and I have been living this difficult life for over four decades. My husband's porn problem came with a bizarre twist for me because he is addicted to homosexual porn. I learned how to stay in my marriage, but I learned to never give him my whole heart. I've gotten pretty good at playing the role of a loving wife. Outwardly, I don't think anyone would know the sadness that I am living.

I began a friendship, that I shouldn't have because I am still married. It began innocently and though there has not been a sexual aspect to our friendship, it is still an emotional affair, which complicates everything. I have stepped away from my relationship with my friend for the sake of my family. And because I want to do the right things. It's not been easy, but I am trying. I love my family and I want to keep my children close to me. There were some powerful talks on the atonement given in my ward during the month of March and they gave me so much to think about. I thought that if I could learn to leave my burdens at Christ's feet, maybe my marriage could work. The problem is that though I am trying to leave my fears behind, they keep coming back. The same doubts and fears fill my mind. I keep trying to discern if it's Satan or the Holy Ghost telling me to be careful and to not forget the past. Every time I have tried to forget and move on during this entire marriage, my fears have been reconfirmed. And so, I am struggling too. Your statement:

"In my seemingly insignificant life, I have felt so much love from the Lord; but those feelings for my husband are not there. And I wonder if this is what I am called on to endure in this life. I know that we are to have joy in this life, even while undergoing challenges, and I am no exception. I have not lost hope, because I trust that my Heavenly Father loves me and that the path I need to go is the one I am on. But, I do not know if I will receive a fullness of joy in this life---and that really hurts my heart. I fear that while trying to be a support to my husband, while overcoming this horrible addiction, I have consigned myself to a loveless and lackluster marriage."

I'm not sure how to help you. I feel you have written exactly what I am afraid of. I've stayed in my marriage for my family and to keep my covenants. The difference for me is that the recent memories of being in a relationship with someone who valued me and someone who I could love with no reservations, make it so hard to stay in a marriage in which I only know how to give a part of me, not all of me. My relationship with my husband has taught me to be cautious, to be wary and careful with my heart. It makes me sad because that's not the person I am. I love easily and freely. I love being friendly and helpful and open with people. But, with the person that I should be able to be the most open and most loving with, I hold back because he has taught me that the chances of him breaking my heart again, are a very real possibility. I refuse to give all of myself to someone who keeps forgetting me.

I read this, " a marriage that is dealing with sexual addiction is messy and crazy. Nothing like the convenat marriage we wanted or thought we had. I had to say goodby to what I thought I had, what I wanted, the Past, the future, and deal with the present. I had to seek my own healing. I had to and try to keep prayer a constant companion. This is the crazy making business. But, with Christ all things are possible."

And another wise person said, "It is time to lay down your pain at Christ's feet. But it is also time to give up your idea of mortal joy. I believe that Christ will teach you what real happiness is. But submission is the key. Submit to Him entirely and the rest will work it's way out."

My dear sister, I feel your pain. I hope that both you and I can find some peace as we strive to be the women that we would like to be, understanding and understood, loving and loved.

Edited June 12, 2013 by livewell

[IMHp]

Annaleigh,

I first looked at this website yesterday and keep coming back to your posting. I am in familiar territory. We have been married for 18 years, 2 kids. My husband had an affair 8 years ago, even telling me that he was in love with this woman. He worked with this lady, so continued to have interactions with her at work. Even though I kept asking him to please stay away from her, I believe he convinced himself that he could be friends with her. Last year he told me that he had kissed 2 other girls at work, as well as kissing the one he had the affair with. He has also had issues with pornography. Tuesday I found porn on his tablet, along with pictures of someone's house renovations. When I confronted him, he told me that he had begun looking at pornography, as well as communicating with this lady again, who had sent him photos of her house. I have no idea what to do. Right now I despise him. He has had this relationship/friendship/affair with this lady on and off again for 8 years, but keeps insisting they are just friends! When is enough enough? I do not want a divorce, I just want him to be faithful and a worthy husband and father.

[BenRaines]

This is my two cents worth and that is all it really is worth.

For those of you who are willing to accept ongoing infidelity of a spouse, male or female, how do you do it? For those who are sisters who have husbands who cheat and sleep with other women and then come home to you, do you have them tested first? Are you willing to catch whatever they have and perhaps lose your life while you still have children at home who rely on you, heck or ever. A man who sleeps with a woman other than his wife sleeps with all the other men she has slept with and true the other way around too.

I hear that you want to have a Celestial marriage. My idea of working towards a Celestial Marriage is two people working in the same direction towards a common goal. I don't believe that death will change someone. They are not going to become a Celestial partner when they die. The same traits they had in this life will move on to the next. Same nature.

Sorry if it seems a bit harsh but I believe that a lot of people want to gloss over gross sin with the hope of being someone's Celestial partner and I don't believe that is how it works.

Ben Raines

[mdfxdb]

This is my two cents worth and that is all it really is worth.

For those of you who are willing to accept ongoing infidelity of a spouse, male or female, how do you do it? For those who are sisters who have husbands who cheat and sleep with other women and then come home to you, do you have them tested first? Are you willing to catch whatever they have and perhaps lose your life while you still have children at home who rely on you, heck or ever. A man who sleeps with a woman other than his wife sleeps with all the other men she has slept with and true the other way around too.

I hear that you want to have a Celestial marriage. My idea of working towards a Celestial Marriage is two people working in the same direction towards a common goal. I don't believe that death will change someone. They are not going to become a Celestial partner when they die. The same traits they had in this life will move on to the next. Same nature.

Sorry if it seems a bit harsh but I believe that a lot of people want to gloss over gross sin with the hope of being someone's Celestial partner and I don't believe that is how it works.

Ben Raines

worth more than 2 cents. People don't change. When you stay with a spouse that cheats, or has grevious sins, you are teaching your children that it is ok to tolerate that kind of behavior. Not only are you ruining your life, but you are tainting theirs.

There is talk of "keeping covenants" Covenants require both sides for them to be kept. You will never be an eternal companion with someone who does not keep their covenant.

[Guest]

What if the errant spouse is truly repentant and doing everything possible to make amends? What about repentance and redemption? Those are things I'd want my children to know about, as well as doing everything possible to keep covenants.

I think there's no possible way to know what you'd do in a specific situation until you're encountered with the same things under the same circumstances.

For the record, I felt the exact same way as Ben, until I saw 2 families I'm very close to go through it, and keep working at fixing it.

[mdfxdb]

I believe in repentence and redemption. What of it? How many times should you allow the offending party to repent? How much should someone have to put up with? I don't know the answer. We can only respond to generalities. Some people have a higher pain threshold than others. And even if you are willing to tolerate no end of misbehavior how much should someone's children have to tolerate? They have no control over the situation.

[IMHp]

Ben, I appreciate your comments and it makes a lot of sense.

In my situation, it was not a sexual affair (however, it was close to being that). It is an emotional affair my husband is having, which I still term an "affair". Every few months it seems he reaches out to this woman, claiming they are friends, and I have continuously asked him to end this so called friendship. I have stumbled upon emails, not intentionally, because I had no idea it was still going on. But it makes me feel horrible inside. Why I stay with him is because while I despise his actions, etc., I love my kids more. I have watched others go through divorce, and I would never wish that upon anyone. But I feel like I am entitled to a better life, to be loved by someone who only loves me. I have never disclosed any of this to anyone, because I don't want my family and friends to think less of him, like I do. My bishop is aware of everything, but not this latest discovery this week of him communicating with her and viewing porn. I feel completely alone. I was hoping to reach out to someone who has experienced this, on an anonymous level, to give me some guidance.

[Guest]

He doesn't sound repentant or remorseful in any way.

[Martain]

Matthew 6:14-15 & 3 Nephi 13:14-15

14 For, if ye forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you;

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

D&C 64

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

The commandment to forgive does not ignore the pain and suffering heaped upon us. It does not ignore the wounds inflicted upon our very soul or downplay the reality of how deep and horribly painful such wounds can be.

“When we have been hurt, undoubtedly God takes into account what wrongs were done to us and what provocations there are for our resentments, but clearly the more provocation there is and the more excuse we can find for our hurt, all the more reason for us to forgive and be delivered from the destructive hell of such poisonous venom and anger” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 114; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 83).

“You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive (see D&C 64:10). Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord” (Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 45; or Ensign, May 1992, 33).

Having myself once been like the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18 owing a debt of 10,000 talents and having such debt forgiven by my God, how could I be so ungrateful as to with hold forgiveness from another?

Knowing a greater sin lies in me if I do not forgive, and desiring continually to be forgiven of my sins so as to be clean before him and retain a remission of my sins, how can I not obey his commandment to forgive others?

I have been wounded by others to the depth of my soul. I have been violated multiple times in the most soul rending and horrendous and heinous fashion I can imagine. When I talk of pain and suffering, when I talk about the power of forgiveness I talk from the depth of my soul via first hand knowledge.

Does it matter whether a person is repentant or not? No it doesn't. The commandment is that I forgive and so I forgive. It was once I did this that I received my own forgiveness and felt the healing balm of Christ flooding through my entire soul, comforting me and cleansing me of the spirits of anger and resentment. The power is real and the healing is oh so very real and oh so very wonderful.

Just as forgiveness is a gift from God, so too is a forgiving heart. If you lack such a heart then pray for it. Seek it. Thirst for it. Obtain it, forgive and receive the healing grace of Christ.

Were I in your shoes I would first forgive and having repented of my own sins receive forgiveness and the healing power of God. Having received such I would then be in a position where, unfettered by hatred, anger, resentment, or pain, I can pray in faith to the Lord knowing he will answer my plea as to whether I should stay or whether I should leave that individual.

If a beloved child was dying in the hospital would you pull the plug of the life support and let them die so long as there was even the remotest chance that they would live and recover? Marriage is a living thing and so long as there is even a shred of hope, even when it gets hard, even when it hurts to the depth of your soul, if you would not want someone to give up on you then don't you give up on them. Don't pull the life support and let them and your marriage die but fight for it.

One day I will covenant with God and one of his beloved daughters to be her husband and have her as my wife for all of time and all of eternity. Is the prize not worth it? Will my promise only be through the goods times and not the bad?

The Lord knows whether your husband will ever repent. If He knew your husband would never repent, do you imagine He would counsel you to stay in a marriage that is without hope? Do you trust Him? Are you willing to follow his counsel what ever it should be? Do you not want your husband to repent that he too might be healed?

God knows whether or not for the welfare of your soul, and the souls of your spouse and children a divorce is needed. God knows if death is already certain. Seeing as the eternities hang in the balance, do you not need revelation from the Lord your God? Whether it be through the voices of the world, well meaning friends or false revelation, the devil will indeed seek to deceive you. Make sure what ever revelation you do get is indeed from God for not all revelation is. Then act.

My heart goes out to you sister and to all others who share such stories of woe. The healing power of the atonement of Christ is real and it waits for you. God alone has the power to heal your heart and it is to Him you should turn. My prayer is with you.

Sincerely,

Brother M.

Edited July 20, 2013 by Martain

[connieF]

Hi there. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone and have Heavenly Father to help you through this.

Having just found out about my own husband's infidelity this week, I'm having to work hard on keeping him from losing it.

I think we need to help ourselves by getting well - spiritually, emotionally, etc.

Going to the Temple provides such blessings. I went there myself.

I hope you find peace and stay strong.

[jinger]

Hi,

I was having a bad day today. So I started looking at these forums to feel like someone understood my feelings. And...there you were! Thank you. I feel SO the same.

My husband cheated on me for 8 years ish. I didn't find out till we'd been married 10 years w/3 kids. It was as though my husband died. My whole life died. I grieved for that so hard. It was truly devastating. If there were no children it would be a no brainer. Divorce immediately. Problem is the innocent children who created none of this.

Fast forward 3 years since I found out. We've spent thousands on therapy, separated, ex comm, re baptism, restoration of blessings.....blah blah blah. He's repentant. Did all he could blah blah...BUT I am now with a person I don't trust or respect. I'm not interested in physical intimacy but engage in it anyway because I want to stay married. I think that he thinks we're all good.....but I feel left in the emotional dust. We are great at parenting, money management, and even have fun together and laugh etc. It's like we're awesome business partners...when it goes into the emotional/intimacy realm...I just feel it's so unfair to me because he messed it all up.

I want my children emotionally healthy and spiritually strong. This would be much harder in 2 differnet households. I don't want my kids dealing with step mom, step bro sisters etc. I feel like I SHOULD stay and hold it together and be the conduit for everyone to be emotionally strong....problem is...I feel emotionally neglected.

I dont' know what to do with that feeling. Sometimes I'm mad. Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I just don't care.

I appreciated hearing your story and others too. It's nice to know I'm not alone. And for those who have not been through this....you have no idea.

Edited August 27, 2013 by jinger