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Please give me your opinion on my situation.

My wife and I got married 2 years ago and have a 1 year old baby. We did not get married in the temple because she was sealed to her ex. Needless to say we could not wait and got married and worked on getting her sealing cancelled. It has now been cancelled. Over the past 6 months she has no desire to attend church. I grew up in the church and she is a convert. She has become almost anti mormon.

That is problem number one.

I know I can work with her and help her desires but I want to be sealed in the temple, especially to my child.

Problem 2 my biiiiig issue.

When we were dating I would inquire with her about her sexual past because she was a convert. She did not want to talk about it. She said that it does not matter and we love each other now. I continued to press and she said she would explain after we got married (should have been my first sign). I was in Love and thought she has been married and probably been with a couple other guys.

I have come to learn she has been with over 100 men, stripped as a pole dancer, been with women, been a swinger.

I do not see any of this in her. She is a great Mom and seems so nice. But it is killing my heart and my Respect for her. I want to leave and run away so fast. I just do not understand how she could not tell me before we got married. I lost my opinion on this. I could have dealt with it and decided if I still wanted to be with her. Instead I am now stuck and I feel like she misrepresented herself.

I have lost my desire for her and even treat her mean because her past is always on my mind. I have had so many sleepless nights.

What do you think?

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Consider for a moment her perspective...

She has a colorful past full of sin.

Then she was baptized and promised that her sins would be forgiven.

However the person she is closest to doesn't appear to be able to do so(you).

Why would she have any interest in being sealed for eternity to someone who is not sure he wants to stay with her in this life and is even mean to her about her past?

Why would she maintain an interest in the church if in her weakness she feels judged and condemned by the people that should love her most?

She should have told you about her past before. That was wrong of her... But it is now a done deal.

Now you have a choice... You can turn to the Lord for help in letting her past go. And get to work on loving her as she is no matter what, in hopes that the promises of the Lord will be fulfilled and no rightful desire will be denied his faithful.

Or you can choose that it is to great a burden for you to handle. You can give up. In which case it it probably better to get out sooner rather then later

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When we were dating I would inquire with her about her sexual past because she was a convert.

The Lord and His Church forgave her at baptism. Anything before baptism, unless it's a health issue... is none of your business.

She did not want to talk about it. She said that it does not matter and we love each other now.

You can see that I agree with her.

I continued to press and she said she would explain after we got married (should have been my first sign).

Why did you continue to press on something that wasn't your business? That was HER first sign.

I was in Love and thought she has been married and probably been with a couple other guys.

'Was'?

I have come to learn she has been with over 100 men, stripped as a pole dancer, been with women, been a swinger.

Again, except for health reasons, none of that was your business.

I do not see any of this in her.

Then why are you still thinking about it?

She is a great Mom and seems so nice.

Seems?

But it is killing my heart and my Respect for her.

What about her respect for you for pressing so hard on the issue?

I want to leave and run away so fast.

You're sounding like a coward to me.

I just do not understand how she could not tell me before we got married.

Because she was afraid that your opinion of her would change with this news. Sounds like she was right.

I lost my opinion on this. I could have dealt with it and decided if I still wanted to be with her. Instead I am now stuck and I feel like she misrepresented herself.

No, you have a problem understanding forgiveness, baptism, chastity and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Chastity isn't about biology. It's about covenants and an attitude of purity.

I have lost my desire for her and even treat her mean because her past is always on my mind. I have had so many sleepless nights.

You poor, poor baby. [insert sarcasm]

What do you think?

I think you let yourself get talked out of a beautiful relationship with a woman who loves you and with whom was good enough to have a child with.

I think you should get over yourself and your selfish attitude.

You are the problem here and you may want to consider counseling for yourself.

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Someone needs to grow up in your marriage and its not your wife.

What is past is past before she was in the Church and learned the error of her ways.

As a convert myself I had multiple sexual partners before being married. I drank, smoked, viewed porn, gambled. I saw nothing wrong with any of that. 20 years ago next month I was baptized, I gave up all that, God not only forgave me for what I did before I knew better, he also He also chooses not to remember my sins since they are over and done with and He made me a new person and washed away my sins at baptism

Hebrews 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.

or as a modern version puts it: (NIV) For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

I would suggest counseling for you to be able to come to terms with this, see if there is an LDS Social Services office in your area for you to talk to, at the very least talk to your Bishop. What you are doing is not only wrong, its a sin against your wife that unless you repent you will be held accountable for.

Edited by mnn727
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The Lord and His Church forgave her at baptism. Anything before baptism, unless it's a health issue... is none of your business.

If he was considering marrying her and it was something that was going to bother him it was entirely his business. Considering something like bankruptcy or even work history is something that is the business of a potential spouse it's silly to insist that sexual history, particularly if it is going to be a concern for someone, is none of their business. One needs to go into marriage with their eyes open, so if a sexual history was going to be a concern for him then he should have tried to find out, and if the idea that it might be a concern for him was a problem for her then she should have broken things off when he started indicating it was an issue.

What they both should have done is kinda moot though.

Because she was afraid that your opinion of her would change with this news. Sounds like she was right.

In other words she hid something from her future spouse suspecting that it would be a deal breaker. That was not a smart idea. Throwing away the marriage isn't called for, but some sympathy can be managed for his feeling blind sided*, by all appearances he was.

*I am specifically referring to his feeling blindsided. This is not a blanket sympathy of everything he's voiced to date.

Edited by Dravin
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He still married her... regardless of the full disclosure of all these things in her life. She was good enough for marriage... until he found out.

It seems that there is some common themes in this thread as there was in this one here: http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/49792-why-am-i-punished-keeping-law-chastity.html

And strangely enough, my response is rather consistent on this one too! lol

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I'm coming up with a big, "And? This has what to do with the price of fish in Denmark?" What exactly does that have to do with the past of his potential bride being his business? Or are we playing the, "You voiced a disagreement, therefore I am going to respond as if you've voiced disagreement with anything I may have said in this thread?" I'll tell you now, I've no interest in that game. It bores me.

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What do you mean by 'potential'?

My wife and I got married 2 years ago and have a 1 year old baby.

ltdgolf, I'm a divorced LDS man. So, take my words anyway you want. But I'm telling you that you need to get this pain out of your heart and stop taking out your pain on your wife. She's your wife now. Even without a temple marriage, you married her - in sickness and in health, till death do you part. I don't recall any marriage vows that ever said "unless I find out something about your past that I don't like".

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What do you mean by 'potential'?

In response to:

When we were dating I would inquire with her about her sexual past because she was a convert.

You said:

The Lord and His Church forgave her at baptism. Anything before baptism, unless it's a health issue... is none of your business.

In other words, you told him the past of his potential spouse (the whole when we were dating thing) is none of his business.

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That's fair. Thanks for clarifying.

My posts are more about what to do now... instead of what he should've done back then. Once he married her and had child, he accepted everything about her, even if he didn't know everything.

His options at this point are:

1) Love her in spite of it

2) Divorce her because of it

He hasn't chosen a path yet.

BTW, his statement about inquiring about her sexual past because she is a convert was what I got hung up on. Being a convert or not has nothing to do with the reason for discussing her sexual past. Those who are raised in the Church are raised with good morals... but that doesn't guarantee that one is Chaste or hasn't had relations with others before marriage.

By phrasing it in this way, it sounded more like a worthiness issue, so I took that slant when responding. In the eyes of the Lord and His Church, she IS worthy and clean.

Was it important to know before marriage? I will back-peddle and say yes... but not because 'she's a convert' (or a former heathen). But because one should be sharing the details with their future spouse so there wouldn't be surprises.

Edited by skippy740
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Please give me your opinion on my situation.

My wife and I got married 2 years ago and have a 1 year old baby. We did not get married in the temple because she was se....

I have come to learn she has been with over 100 men, stripped as a pole dancer, been with women, been a swinger.

I do not see any of this in her...I have lost my desire for her and even treat her mean because her past is always on my mind. I have had so many sleepless nights.

What do you think?

I personally think you are wrong in your thinking. According to the apostle Paul if the marriage is livable then you shouldn't leave because of the church. Also if she repented, which is probably what you are doubtful of imho, then that's done with. Maybe its that too many people know of her past and she feels out of place in church. Too many do gooders could be her problem too not a lack of testimony.

My opinion is that you should work to make your home a heaven today, irrespective of what has happened in the past. Once it is she may well end up pushing you to go to the Temple with her. And also (personally so don't take offence at this) I'd look to see if she still has those, uhm, dancing skills still but to use in one's privacy off course. Swinging or other women would be out of the question off course. But maybe she could teach you a thing or two to spice up your intimacy?

just my 2c worth off course. ;) Good luck.

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Why is it that whenever someone comes to this board feeling bad about their spouses past that members feel it necessary to mock this person ("poor, poor baby")? Obviously it is causing him some distress and he is going through a difficult time. He is coming asking for advice and help, not to be put down. If you disagree how he is feeling or acting, there are much better ways to express your feeling than to be mean. We are better than that.

Edited by Eowyn
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Livy111us,

I appreciate your position.

In this situation, some people need more of a mirror to repeat back what they are saying and doing in order to see themselves in the proper light.

Sometimes 'shaking people up' is one of the kindest things we can do for people.

Let me remind you of this in the OP:

I have lost my desire for her and even treat her mean because her past is always on my mind.

Yes, he's hurt. But does that justify the way he treats of her? (Sure, we don't have specifics, but he admitted it himself.)

I propose that HE needs to be better than what he posted about himself. He just hasn't seen it.

Let's just say that I have little sympathy. He married her, had a child with her... and NOW he's in pain? It's a little too late to have a sob story. He has a family with her. And now he's 'treating her mean'.

I'm sorry, but a family is a wonderful gift in this life, and a friend wouldn't let a friend continue to think the way he has in order to mistreat that gift.

Take it as it's worth from the divorced guy. I'm the voice/example of warning.

D&C 121:43

43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

Notice how I ended that post:

I think you let yourself get talked out of a beautiful relationship with a woman who loves you and with whom was good enough to have a child with.

I think you should get over yourself and your selfish attitude.

You are the problem here and you may want to consider counseling for yourself.

I needed to remind him of the gift and blessing he has and gave him an additional course of action. Because if he's not careful, he will destroy the very gift he has... just with his attitude.

This isn't something to take lightly, so I will reprove sharply... because I care. And because I know what it's like to lose your spouse to divorce.

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I'm sorry, but the past does matter.

I agree that at this point he needs to work on forgiving and mending his relationship with her. Treating her meanly will not make her want to come back to church, that's for sure.

At the same time I can only imagine with that history, the kinds of feelings and concerns I would have. One or two guys is one thing, having over 100 partners, being a stripper and involved in a swinging lifestyle greatly increases the possibility that it will come back to haunt her, himself and their children. Whether that be pictures posted, or random guys showing up on the scene whether by choice or running into them. I might even worry about these guys showing up to prey on the family or my children.

These are all real concerns. So yeah...totally all about the sins being white as snow, but it doesn't prevent these things from causing pain to us later in life.

I sympathize with what the OP is going thru and wish him the best.

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I'm sorry, but the past does matter.

I agree that at this point he needs to work on forgiving and mending his relationship with her. Treating her meanly will not make her want to come back to church, that's for sure.

At the same time I can only imagine with that history, the kinds of feelings and concerns I would have. One or two guys is one thing, having over 100 partners, being a stripper and involved in a swinging lifestyle greatly increases the possibility that it will come back to haunt her, himself and their children. Whether that be pictures posted, or random guys showing up on the scene whether by choice or running into them. I might even worry about these guys showing up to prey on the family or my children.

These are all real concerns. So yeah...totally all about the sins being white as snow, but it doesn't prevent these things from causing pain to us later in life.

I sympathize with what the OP is going thru and wish him the best.

There is no doubt in my mind that the wife did the wrong thing in not talking about before marriage. It seems she knew it was going to be an issue and seemed to hope it would all go away after marriage. She wagered getting married against staying married and it is coming back to bite her now. But she is not here to talk to. He is.

The fact that he shouldn't have to be in this position is sad and regrettable. But sadness and regret doesn't change the facts that if he wants to to save his marriage, to save his family he needs to step up and become a more Christ-like man then he is currently and do so quickly. As painful as that will be, as much as that will suck it is by far the best path, for now, and for eternity. In fact it might be exactly the path the Lord had in mind for him.

But the choice to walk that path is his and his alone.

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My question is... if you had known about her past before you married her, would you have still done it?

You may have felt the same way upon immediately knowing - my guess is that you are in a state of shock right now, you're "grieving" the loss of the person you "thought" you married - and yet, she IS the person you married. You are angry and I don't begrudge you for feeling that way. You married a convert to the church who had a past, you just didn't expect it to be quite like it is. It might take some time for you to get used to this.

Does that mean you leave her? No. It means you do your best to forgive her, to set a good example to her, to love her and let her know that she matters to you, that your eternal family matters to you. Don't hold her past against her because she has repented of it, it's not who she is any longer. Live in today, not in the past.

Talk to her. Does she have any reasoning for withdrawing from the church? Perhaps some of it is from the weight of her past she has been carrying around, knowing she hadn't been completely honest with you about it. You can forgive her past - but i KNOW as much as others would like to have you do it right NOW, it will take time. Give it that time.

Maybe you could even benefit from some counseling - alone or together.

And i also happen to disagree with those who say that their past is none of your business...if you are going to spend eternity with someone, you deserve to know EVERYTHING.

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Talk to her. Does she have any reasoning for withdrawing from the church? Perhaps some of it is from the weight of her past she has been carrying around, knowing she hadn't been completely honest with you about it. You can forgive her past - but i KNOW as much as others would like to have you do it right NOW, it will take time. Give it that time.

Dealing with this is going to take time. Becoming Christ-like takes a life-time plus easily. But making the choice to be all in on his marriage (and making sure his wife knows that) needs to happen soon. Otherwise he can find that he has run out of time and is much to late to be able to do so.

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Skippy,

I do not think he is correct in at least a portion of his position (treating her meanly) and should realize how wrong that is. You *are* correct pointing out the error in his position. But my concern was using mockery to do so. I do not think that is what the Lord had in mind when He said to "reprove...with sharpness." You can present your same position without sounding condescending. We all are going to disagree with each other on at least some issues, but we can also do it with respect, IMO. Again, I think you had a great post, but you could have done without a few comments.

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