Husband no longer believes


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My husband of a little over a year came to me and told me that he no longer believes in the gospel. He has done much research and has determined that he has been lied to his whole life. Divorce is not an option for either of us. He wants me to do research and discover for myself whether or not its true but will support me either way. Obviously I would love for him to reconcile with the church but I would never force him to by giving him an ultimatum. How do I handle this situation? Specifically, what do I do about tithing? I can't make him pay tithing to a church he doesn't believe in but I would like to continue paying tithing. This whole situation is one I never pictured myself being in and he is very apologetic and knows how much this hurts me. Any thoughts from people in similar situations?

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If you work, then according to the covenants you have made tithing is a commandment. You simply pay it. If he truly respects you he won't mind either.

If you don't work, then speak with your bishop. I know of women, husbands non-members, who don't work. They have spoken with the bishop and he knows their situation and circumstance. Listen to his advice since he is the "judge in Israel" and has stewardship and keys to answer you.

I am sorry to hear about this situation. What will you do when children are involved? Since he feels he has been lied to will he be fine with his children being raised in what he considers a "lie"?

As an outsider who has watched this happen, I truly hope he is a good enough man that he honors his words and allows you to live the religion according to your dictates.

Best wishes. I am, however, confused by people who say, "I have been lied to all my life." I have reviewed the history as well, but I have never been lied to. I have been provided information according to the sincere knowledge of others. I have found more information and information where people obviously were uninformed themselves. Yes, I hope for you he will reconcile his differences and honor the covenants he made with you -- assuming you were married in the temple.

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If you work, then according to the covenants you have made tithing is a commandment. You simply pay it. If he truly respects you he won't mind either.

If you don't work, then speak with your bishop. I know of women, husbands non-members, who don't work. They have spoken with the bishop and he knows their situation and circumstance. Listen to his advice since he is the "judge in Israel" and has stewardship and keys to answer you.

I am sorry to hear about this situation. What will you do when children are involved? Since he feels he has been lied to will he be fine with his children being raised in what he considers a "lie"?

As an outsider who has watched this happen, I truly hope he is a good enough man that he honors his words and allows you to live the religion according to your dictates.

Best wishes. I am, however, confused by people who say, "I have been lied to all my life." I have reviewed the history as well, but I have never been lied to. I have been provided information according to the sincere knowledge of others. I have found more information and information where people obviously were uninformed themselves. Yes, I hope for you he will reconcile his differences and honor the covenants he made with you -- assuming you were married in the temple.

I also do not understand the "lie" part.

I am always a little...perplexed?...when people say they have conducted "research" that "proves" the church lied or is wrong. You can "prove" anything you want. But some things involve faith.

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My husband of a little over a year came to me and told me that he no longer believes in the gospel. He has done much research and has determined that he has been lied to his whole life. Divorce is not an option for either of us. He wants me to do research and discover for myself whether or not its true but will support me either way. Obviously I would love for him to reconcile with the church but I would never force him to by giving him an ultimatum. How do I handle this situation? Specifically, what do I do about tithing? I can't make him pay tithing to a church he doesn't believe in but I would like to continue paying tithing. This whole situation is one I never pictured myself being in and he is very apologetic and knows how much this hurts me. Any thoughts from people in similar situations?

I am not in a similar situation but I have some thoughts.

I think you need to do two things... The first is to maintain and strengthen your faith. Everyone needs to do this. Without a spouse supporting you it will become harder but you simply must be able to stay faithful on your own.

The second is love your husband for what he is. That is how Christ loves us. It is very easy to fall into a trap of 'loving your husband if....' or 'loving him if he would just...' Such thoughts lead us away from really loving them and it will lead to your marriage falling apart on your end.

Those two things will cover all the covenants and promises that you made (both to the Lord and to your husband) when you were married. Your husband still needs to do and figure out his part but you don't have much control over that.

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Frankly by him saying he thinks he's been lied to it sounds like your husband has read some anti-LDS material and has bought it without reading the LDS Counter to it. Antis always put a negative spin to anything and if he makes you read it to "discover for yourself' I hope you understand the spin that is put on all Anti material (anti anything- not just LDS) I've read much of it and its all similar - they put some truth into it just to make it appear believable and then spin it to make it sound like what its not.

Funniest one I saw was the use of ellipses (.....) which when used properly denote missing material that does not really apply. One set of Anti material used ellipses to replace 13 pages of a talk making it appear that a leader (Brigham Young I think, its been a few years since I read it) was saying just the opposite of what he actually said.

-----

For tithing, pay on your income and not on his, if you don't work, let your Bishop know, you will still be considered a full tithe payer even without paying on his income if you have no income of your own.

I am sorry this is happening.

Edited by mnn727
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I find it could he will be supporting you either way. As has been said, focus on your marriage as well as the gospel.

However, don't feel pressured to "research" the way he did. Ultimately, it's your faith. Studying is a very good thing, but, yeah, it sounds like he found the biased anti stuff.

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Specifically, what do I do about tithing? I can't make him pay tithing to a church he doesn't believe in but I would like to continue paying tithing. This whole situation is one I never pictured myself being in and he is very apologetic and knows how much this hurts me. Any thoughts from people in similar situations?

I would suggest one of the following options:

1. If both of you work: You pay tithing (10%) on your income only and he can use 10% of his income on a charity of his choice.

2. If only one of you work: You pay partial tithing (5%) of your combined household income and he can use 5% of the combined income on a charity of his choice.

3. You can donate 10% of your income to a charity which you both agree upon (instead of paying tithe to the church). I think God will understand.

Do NOT try to force him to tithe any of his income to the church. It will only cause hard feelings and resentment.

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Best wishes. I am, however, confused by people who say, "I have been lied to all my life." I have reviewed the history as well, but I have never been lied to. I have been provided information according to the sincere knowledge of others. I have found more information and information where people obviously were uninformed themselves.

I suspect that all sides, to a certain extent, has fallen victim to Confirmation Bias. I have reviewed church history just as you, but I share the view of the original poster's husband. We find what our we (consiously or unconsiously) are looking for. We readily accept information that support our views and, at the same time, tend to disregard the information that challlenges those views.

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I suspect that all sides, to a certain extent, has fallen victim to Confirmation Bias. I have reviewed church history just as you, but I share the view of the original poster's husband. We find what our we (consiously or unconsiously) are looking for. We readily accept information that support our views and, at the same time, tend to disregard the information that challlenges those views.

Very interesting, I am not sure what you were looking for when reviewing Church history, but I will confess I didn't find what I was looking for at all.

I simply found more information about the history of our Church and of Joseph Smith and other leaders of the Church.

I am more curious as to why people think the Church lied? As I said, I didn't come across any lies, but I did recognize that other people were uninformed -- myself included until I actually read from multiple sources. There is a difference between a lie and a person whose knowledge only extends to a certain point, and they express what they know.

What I find more interesting about people who say the Church "lied" is that the people who taught them didn't have the knowledge in the first place to teach either way.

If from your perspective you feel the Church lied, well that is your choice, I however haven't come across any lies, or what I would consider a lie. I have read others who say they have and share what they say they have, yet their information comes from Church published materials, or from members of the Church. It is ironic to me.

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I’m sorry for your situation, I’ve been in something very similar but just a few months after we got married, anyways, coming to this forum has helped me a lot, contrary to you I was so willing to give up on my marriage because all the pain, confusion and loneliness I felt at that time, my husband was willing to let me pay tithing if that made me happy but at the same time he didn’t want me to do so, so I recommend you to stay strong as some people said, for me it’s being really a big deal that I can handle some times, I no longer go to church, it became hard to me because my health at first and then the embarrassment of being alone at church and everybody asking for him and listening to some critics of him plus I went to my bishop’s and he told me that I should consider divorce, my husband it’s not a bad person at all, he is a great husband but unsure of what to believe, he does not longer believe in God so if your husband doesn’t believe about the church, you should encourage him to pray together and read the scriptures, I really miss that, if your husband still believes in God use that connection with him and he may believe again.

Before I went on a mission, 2 months before my departure time I got a job where I had a lot free time and a computer available all the time ( I was a secretary) and searching for some mission experiences I felt into an anti-Mormon web page and at first didn’t know it was and anti Mormon page but I started to doubt some teachings and then more and more till I was doubting if I should go on a mission, the time was coming so close and my doubts were bigger and bigger, I didn’t go to my bishop or anyone else, what I did was that I prayed harder and read the scriptures more, I was faithful at my spiritual experiences and counting all my blessing because I knew HF listened and the HG was real, so even though I had doubts in my head, my heart was telling me something else so I went on my mission, I mostly had doubts about JS but also had answers from HF that why He would answers if what I was going into wasn’t his work?? Example, after I sent my papers I prayed that I would go anywhere that he wanted me to go, but that I would like to go to south Mexico (I’m from and living in Mexico) or north USA and when I was thinking about north USA I thought about Washington state and asked Him to send me somewhere in Washington, I know it sounds silly but I was just being honest, so when I received my papers I was shocked that it was in WA state. So obviously He answer my prayer because is not that I was exactly sent where I wanted to go but because at that time being sent out of the country wasn’t likely to happened, for some may be a coincidence but for me it wasn’t, so I wasn’t given up for some info I founded and made my head a mess, so I went and in the few weeks in the MTC they showed us “The restoration” the movie and I felt so clear and dear the HG confirming that JS was a true prophet of God I started to cry my eyes out and served with all my soul and heart.

Some info we find on the internet can be really hurtful but I we don’t lose our faith in God we always can come back and be filled with knowledge from High.

Ask your husband what he does or doesn’t believe of the church, ask him if he ever felt the Spirit and help him to remember all those great feelings that came from HF, how willing he is to keep being a man of God, make him doubt of his church doubts with love and patience.

I feel for you and your situation, I’m sorry.

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Shaken Faith Syndrome: Strengthening One's Testimony in the Face of Criticism and Doubt: Michael R. Ash: 9781893036147: Amazon.com: Books

From the Table of Contents:

Dealing with Doubt

- Cognitive Dissonance

- Betrayal and Church "Cover Up"

Ex-Mormons, Critics and Fundamentalist Assumptions

Unrealistic Expectations of Prophets

- Deed

- Thought

- Word

Confusing Tradition with Doctrine

Paradigms, Evidence and Imposing Our Assumptions on Others

Scholarly, Historical and Scientific Limitations and Unrealistic Expectations

Adding Cognitions (Beliefs)

Anti-Mormon Disdain for LDS Scholarship and Apologetics

Summary to Part 1: The answers are out there

Fullness of the Gospel

The Book of Mormon Witnesses

Joseph's Environment and The Book of Mormon

Anachronisms: The wrong things at the wrong time

Book of Mormon Geography

Others in the Book of Mormon

Lamanite Identity and the Book of Mormon

Book of Mormon Textual Changes

Reformed Egyptian and Book of Mormon Language

Joseph Smith, Abraham and Modern Egyptology

Historical Issues:

The Journal of Discourses

The Kinderhook Plates

Plural Marriage

The Temple

The First Vision

Magic, Treasure Digging, and the Young Joseph Smith

Race and the Church

I would think that your Husband's concern may be in any of those areas. I would encourage you to pick up this book... for YOUR sake. Depending on how convinced your husband is... you may want it to keep your own soul at peace.

You may want to read it together.

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I have never been shy in delving in to church history. On my mission was the first time I was seriously confronted with anti-Mormon material (my uncle use to hand me Chick tracts before my mission). In my first area on my mission I learned more about church history than I had in the years I attended church as a youth (some of my youth was spent inactive due to parents inactivity). Since then any time I have come across a new accusation about the Church I will research it and find out about it.

There was a time several years ago where I thought to myself, "What if Joseph Smith truly was a charlatan?" or I would think, "What if he was just motivated by lust and power?"

I had an experience on my mission where my companion and I were teaching a woman about Joseph Smith. I will always remember this visit because I experienced something that I had never experienced before and I have not experienced it in such a powerful way since then. But, as I began to talk to this woman about Joseph Smith's first vision, there was a beautiful calm assurance that just entered my body. I relayed the story of how Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and I could just tell that this woman was feeling the Spirit. And at that moment I knew that this woman felt the Spirit and I knew that she knew that this event occured. But I asked her anyways if she believes what I just said knowing her answer and she said "Yes". The sense of having a perfect understanding and a witness of this event was powerful and what made it so much more powerful was the fact that this same feeling of assurance was being shared at the same time with this woman whom we had just met. This experience was a fulfillment of the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants that reads:

21 Therefore, why is it that ye cannot understand and know, that he that receiveth the word by the aSpirit of truth receiveth it as it is preached by the Spirit of truth?

22 Wherefore, he that preacheth and he that receiveth, understand one another, and both are edified and rejoice together.

I have felt the Spirit too many times to go down the road of doubt. I have read the Book of Mormon more times than I can remember and I have repeatedly received spiritual confirmation from the Holy Spirit that the Book of Mormon is true. My testimony of this Church is based on multiple spiritual witnesses that I simply would be foolish and irrational to deny.

My point in saying all of that is that even when I come across material that may cause me to question, all I have to do is think back on those powerful witnesses I have received and I am reminded of the fact that I am in the right Church, the only true Church of Jesus Christ here on this earth.

Regards,

Finrock

Edited by Finrock
Added clarification. Forgot about uncle.
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I agree with Anddenex. I don't think the Church has ever "lied" about anything. Has it said things in its best interests and view? Yes. Does it make an attempt to work into gospel doctrine every single little thing that has happened in its history? No.

I do think it's silly to find things that confuse you and then set about to wondering why didn't stumble upon them before. In most cases, the answer is simply "you didn't stumble on it before". Why sit around lazily and expect the Church to dish out every little detail of gospel and history to you?

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One other bit in addition to the excellent advice already provided:

You should do your research, but don't fall into the trap of believing there's such a thing as an "unbiased" source about Mormonism. You are under no obligation to wallow perpetually in every anti-Mormon website he throws your way. Make apologetics websites your friends--their purpose isn't to prove you right, but merely to leave an open window for belief. And get your testimony to a point where you can honestly say "You know what? I don't have all the answers; but I'm living Mormonism, and I'm praying, and I'm seeking God's presence in my life-and it's working for me."

And you do need to have a frank discussion about how your kids are going to be brought up; and that discussion should happen sooner rather than later. Frankly, if I didn't have kids and my wife told me at the outset that she planned on turning all of our future children against Mormonism: I, for one, would be re-thinking my marriage. It'd be different if we already had kids together, but where there are no children--your spouse's announcement that (s)he will spend the rest of your marriage trying to undercut something that has been a lifelong goal for you, would be a very big deal.

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Funniest one I saw was the use of ellipses (.....) which when used properly denote missing material that does not really apply. One set of Anti material used ellipses to replace 13 pages of a talk making it appear that a leader (Brigham Young I think, its been a few years since I read it) was saying just the opposite of what he actually said.

"Thou shalt ... commit adultery."

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Why should you research something you already have a testimony of? I think this is just your husband's attempt to confuse you over to his own side.

Just remember, when you married, you both had common interests, including the Church. He is the one changing here, not you. So, if he wants to remain married, you ought to have the right to require certain things of him: 1. that he not keep you from worshiping, or try to dissuade you from believing. 2. that he allow you to raise up your children in the faith, as you see fit. 3. that he remain faithful in your relationship.

I think if he cannot agree to those three things, it should be a deal breaker for marriage. Why? Because he is trying to change the rules after you entered a marriage covenant with him. He should not be allowed to change the most important things regarding you.

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I, for one, would be re-thinking my marriage. It'd be different if we already had kids together, but where there are no children--your spouse's announcement that (s)he will spend the rest of your marriage trying to undercut something that has been a lifelong goal for you, would be a very big deal.

This is good advice. Recently married you have an expectation that the ideals, and commanilities you shared pre marriage should still exist. Where there are no children involved you really need to evaluate where you are in the relationship, and if when you do have children you are willing to stand up for the ideals you have wanted your whole life.

I do not know anything about you or your husband, but if he was raised in the church, is a returned missionary, got married in the temple, then just turning his back on the church is a BIG deal. It is not the same as switching between Coke and Pepsi. Because you are married his decision to move away from the church is not only his decision because it affects you and your life as well. You need to decide if you want to live with the consequences of his decisions.

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I would have a very difficult time living with an unbelieving/inactive spouse. My world revolves around church activity. My social life is with my ward family. Most everything I do or say has some bearing on my belief in the Gospel. When my daughter died, I can't imagine what it would have been like to have an unbelieving spouse. I relied on my husband to help me get through this. I needed his testimony, along with mine, to endure the grief. With every pregnancy and birth of a child, my husband gave me priesthood blessings. This is not to say he is "perfect". There are areas we need to work on within our family to make it spiritually stronger. I would like to see him take a stronger role in making sure we have family home evening, family prayer, and scripture study.

Being married, I expect my spouse to be by my side at Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, ward activities, etc. Sometimes we have callings that separate us, such as in the Primary or Sunday School. But, we are still "together" at church. We rely on each other for news within the ward and church. Our deepest discussions always involve some aspect of gospel teachings and doctrine. I don't know what I would do if I could not share my innermost desires and goals with an unbelieving spouse.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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I think labelling the spouse as "unbelieving" is not being fair to him/her. Yes, the spouse might no longer believe what you believe, but he/she believes in something. Listen to your spouse, find out what he/she believes in now and find common ground. I'm not talking about the spouse's disbelief in Mormonism/Christianity, but what his/her actual beliefs are now.

I'm not "unbelieving," I believe in something. Yes, I do not believe in the God of Abraham nor do I believe that Jesus was the Messiah; but I do believe in the concept of Pantheism, I get inspired by the teachings of Gautama Buddha, I believe in love and compassion, and the Golden Rule is my commandment.

There is a common ground, find it and build on it. There is happiness to be found even if your spouse do not share your religious and/or spiritual beliefs. Don't dwell on what you think you have lost, look into the future and build on what you have now.

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I think labelling the spouse as "unbelieving" is not being fair to him/her.

In defense of the OP, she did specify that he no longer believed in the gospel. Since this site is LDS related, it is most often understood that they no longer believe in what the LDS church teaches.

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Swiper, just because you believe in something, doesn't mean everyone does. There are a lot of atheists in the world who believe death is it, game over - you're just worm food at that point

That a person does not believe in an afterlife does not mean that they don't believe in something. Having a belief is not restricted to concepts of a god or an afterlife. I'm sure the atheist might have belief in humanity, in love, and in being compassionate to their fellow man.

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In defense of the OP, she did specify that he no longer believed in the gospel. Since this site is LDS related, it is most often understood that they no longer believe in what the LDS church teaches.

My comment was not aimed at the OP specifically, but only a general statement. I was trying to make the point of the importance to find out what the spouse do believe in and try to find common ground. I think that we often get to fixated on what we think we lost that we fail to look for the beliefs that we still share.

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