Desperately seeking advice on how to save my marraige


Recommended Posts

I am seeking advice on how to save my marriage from further deterioration. I have been married to my husband for 33 years and still love him. But he seems to have just given up on our marriage. About a 1 year ago he developed a close friendship with a younger coworker in his office and they exchanged text, pictures and many phone calls. I thought something was wrong and started investigating and found phone records of the calls and texts which led me to "snoop" on his phone and found very revealing pictures of his friend. I confronted him and he said it was all over and that he had stopped the relationship.

I thought things were worked out with us and we were on a good path to a stronger marriage. About 6 months later I suddenly had a whim to check his email account and found an email that he had forwarded from work to his personal email with her telling him to leave her alone and she did not have the same feelings he did.

A month ago, I went to drop something off at a friend’s and drove by a house with a car that looked just like his... I was positive it couldn’t be his in the middle of the afternoon... but did a quick search and was shocked to find it was her house (I did not know she lived there) When I confronted him about this... he said her car was in the shop and he had been taking her back and forth to work and her son got ill and he brought her home early to get him from the babysitter and they were just talking. I have seen invites from her to lunch which he claims are just business discussions.

He claims he has lost all interest in any form of intimacy and other than a hello / goodnight kiss... we are not intimate at all. He claims he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce... but I feel things are never going to improve and that he must be still involved (at least in his heart if not physically) with his friend.

Any advice on how to save my marriage? Is there any hope?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a lot going on with your husband that is questionable. Is he telling the truth? Who knows. Here are a couple of things that you can do:

1- Let him know that you are not okay with that behavior (be firm, but not critical or mean).

2 - Give him a For the Strength of Youth pamphlet and let him know that if your youth are expected to live those principles that both of you should as well.

3 - Let him know that you are uncomfortable with him having "friends" of the opposite sex. (I wrote a blog post about this Blogs » Boundaries with Members of the Opposite Sex » LDS Social Network)

4 - Work on yourself. Him seeing someone who lacks confidence in herself could push him farther away. Do things that help build you up such as exercising, positive social relationships with other women, healthy eating, doing things that you enjoy, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like he's a liar, and at a minimum he is having an emotional affair. His lack of desire to be physically intimate is an indication to me of a physical affair. You can want to be with him all day long, but if he does not want to be with you then you are spinning your wheels.

I suggest you go to him for clarification, and set some ground rules for what your expectations are of him as far as a husband and companion. If he cannot comply then you will have some hard decisions to make. A for Adultry is one of the 3 A's as grounds for divorce.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your comments. I know for sure he did have an emotional affair... but I thought we were beyond that and had grown closer together till lately. This weekend, i did exaxtly what you had suggested and ask him for some clarification on our relationship. He surprized me by saying I had never been a "loving" companion and that I should be fine with a sexless relationship. He claims he has not interest in sex at all anymore... yet, I asked him to see his phone and while looking thru it came across a downloaded porn video. I guess the pieces of the puzzle just keep falling into place. I moved downstairs and told him when he was ready to act like a husband, I would move back into our room. I think he is is happy to have the bed to himself so probably a self defeating act on my part. Again, thank you for your comments.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I appreciate your words of counsel... I will continue to pray for guidance and seek my Heavenly Father to help find what He would guide me to do. In the meantime, I find it so hard to get thru the day and constantly wonder where we stand. I am tempted to put a recorder in his car to see if I can learn more... but then i know that is not the right thing to do. I need to be honest to expect him to be honest... but its killing me not knowing if he loves me at all anymore. Thanks again!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I appreciate your words of counsel... I will continue to pray for guidance and seek my Heavenly Father to help find what He would guide me to do. In the meantime, I find it so hard to get thru the day and constantly wonder where we stand. I am tempted to put a recorder in his car to see if I can learn more... but then i know that is not the right thing to do. I need to be honest to expect him to be honest... but its killing me not knowing if he loves me at all anymore. Thanks again!

He is not exhibiting the behavior of someone who loves his wife. Think about that. Love is shown. The easiest thing in the world to do is say "I love you". The hardest thing is to actually do it.

Don't waste your time trying to follow him, or snoop. He has stated where he is at. Where are you? Are you ok where he is at? Can you live with that for the rest of your life? For eternity?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All very true words... and things I need to decide. Will things change? Can enough prayer and faith make it happen? No matter what he has his free agency and i can never change him. Unfortunately it is making me so miserable and "crazy". I want to talk thru our problems... he wants to ignore them and act as nothing is wrong. I find myself lashing out at him and saying things that are all true but probably need to be left alone. I am not the person i want to be and am acting irrationally and childish. He keeps claiming there is nothing going on and nothing is wrong with our marraige and when i remind him of what the issues are he says i am crazy that none of "those things" really happened. -- yet i have copies of the phone /text records; dated examples / picture of him at her house etc. etc. etc.... He will barely ever kiss me, never intimate, no more calls or texts during the day (unless in response to one of mine). We are going downhill..... and i guess its time to face up to the reality! How do i act more maturely and not lash out???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I really already knew the answers to my questions. I have prayed and know it is only myself that I can change. I dont know who to talk to about this... I will not talk to anyone who knows my husband in the family, our friends or even church leaders. He is highly respected and thought well of. He is a good man... he just had decided he is not happy in our marraige and I struggle to understand. We worked together in the yard, had dinner out and went to church on Sunday... other than that... he slept and is good at avoiding any additional interaction with me. I guess I am beginining to see it is coming to an end and I want to make our last monthes together as pleasant as I can... and do not want to ever ever hurt our children. They are grown and think so highly of thier father... sometimes I wish I could just dissapear and they would never have to go thru the pain of our divorce. I am looking for coping strategies to get thru this emotional time... I am already praying, reading scriptures, fasting and attending the temple. I dont think he will file for divorce... he is "ok" just being a roommate with his meals cooked, laundry done and a dinner companion occassionaly. I am the one who is heartbroken and sees the end in our future. Any coping suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did you do any reading on marriagebuilders? Have you learned anything about his needs and how you might better meet them to fill his love bucket? It doesn't sound like a lost cause to me, it sounds like a marriage that can be rescued, but someone has to start the work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I'm new to the emotional affair victim myself. I have discovered my own husband of 24 years having one for the last 2 1/2 years. I know that in my situation that I decided that I was not happy in a medeocre marriage and that things have to change or I was done. It took several occasions of me "catching"him at his lies to finally give him the ultimatum to choose her or me. He didn't take me seriously until it happened and I was ready for divorce. I have given him another chance because of the remorse I have seen in him this time that I had not seen before. He seems committed to our marriage now where before I didn't see the committment before. We are also sealed in the temple which makes me more reluctant to give up just now. This will be the last chance though, I have decided this is it. I wish I could tell you that things are all happy and moving forward but it is too early for that in my case. I am still going through the grieving process since it has only been 2 weeks. We have made some advances forward and are finally talking about it. I can tell you that his desire for me had diminished and he even had some ED issues but it didn't mean that anything physical was happening elsewhere. I hope the best for you. My advice is to take care of yourself and really ask yourself what you are willing to live with. You are a precious daughter of God who deserves someone to love you and someone devoted to your happiness and wellbeing. Heavenly Fäther wouldn't want anything less for us. We deserve respect!!

Edited by vickeybear
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I also am confused here. This sounds like an individual who still wants it both ways.

He is a married man. If he truly cares about his marriage, and after what he has done, he should have NO problems:

*Letting you see his e-mails and text messages and giving you his passwords to all for as long as necessary;

*Giving you a strict accounting of where he is and what he is doing, even at work;

*Agreeing to ask you ahead of time (and abiding by whatever decision you make) in terms of any kind of contact with the opposite sex beyond that which is absolutely necessary in the workplace;

*Taking a HUGE amount of initiative in terms of showing, in his life and conduct, his remorse for what he has done, his willingness to help you in the healing process, and his commitment to now making his marriage better than it has ever been.

For those who have done this and are truly sorry, the above things are easily agreed to. These people show their spouse DAILY that they are committed to whatever changes in life they have to make to show that is happening.

Otherwise, this man needs to be shown the door with his suitcases. And even if he tries showing remorse after that, EVERYTHING will have to be done on your terms (and don't be afraid to make them strict), not on his.

In the meantime, my heart bleeds for you. I have been through this myself. Even though my spouse genuinely does not seem to know how to show proper remorse, her actions show me she is trying as hard as she can. And it is clear that ALL contact with this individual has finally ceased (an absolute, absolute must, even if the man has to change jobs).

I wish you well, and God's richest blessings!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share