Members And Non-Members, Does It Work?


Recommended Posts

I have always known that my husband has his own ideas about faith, which he refuses to put into a definable context, (somewhat Buddhist with a bit of Christianity mixed in). Up until joining the LDS Church this was not a problem for us because I was not sure what I believed myself, although I always had faith.

I was what some people have referred to as a 'golden investigator'. I asked the missionaries to come myself, I had looked into the church myself, I did not know anyone else in the church, and I felt everything click into place the more I talked with the missionaries.

After 5 weeks of lessons I was baptised at my Church by one of the missionaries and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. This was on 5th May this year and I am still having new member lessons and I feel I have a LOT still to learn.

My husband is SO supportive and he has helped me as much as he can (being outside the Priesthood), but the more I learn, the more worried I become that we are not spiritually on the 'same page'.

Don't get me wrong, our relationship has not changed, but I don't think he realises how apart we can become as I follow my new path. I have also started taking our son (aged 4) with me to church/Primary with my husbands full support, but again, I don't think he realises the potential problems ahead (when my son cant turn to his own Dad for spiritual guidance so then seeks it from other males in the Priesthood).

The missionary who baptised me has moved on to another Ward (country actually), and I was unexpectedly floored by his leaving. I kept wishing that it had been my husband who had performed my baptism because I would not be feeling such a wrench when this young man left (I am 43 by the way). My husband was again very supportive and said he had expected it to be hard for me and the bond I had with the missionary was evidently strong, presumably due to my baptism.

At another point a different missionary gave me a blessing and I felt that I was really missing out on a wonderful aspect of the church by not having a Priesthood holder in my own home.

I am not asking will my marriage survive, because we love each other very much, but I can see a rocky road ahead. My love for the Gospel and Our Heavenly Father is painted on the outside, people have said there is a physical difference in me since baptism, even my husband has said it, so there is no chance of ignoring the elephant in the room. Can this really work out if he never joins the church?

Thanks for sticking with me through a fairly long post :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can this really work out if he never joins the church?

Thanks for sticking with me through a fairly long post :)

The simple answer is "yes" it can work out even if he doesn't join the Church. What will be more important is how you respond to him not joining the Church.

Elder Bednar's father wasn't a member of the Church until he was baptized later on in life. Elder Bednar mentions how he wanted to be that "good boy" who would help his father receive the gospel.

This will be a great change for him to. Have faith, act in patience, and hopefully through your many prayers and love for your husband he will come around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I was growing up there was a lady who was my primary president, and then YW president, and just someone I really looked up to. She was a member married to a supportive nonmember and she raised her kids in the church, though I think they probably had a choice. She loved him deeply and they made it work. He was always supportive and present, though to this day (they are elderly now) he hasn't had interest in the church.

I think like any marriage, the important thing is a resolve to work through it and respect for one another.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you both for your replies. I think because I am new to the church these things are more troublesome. Firstly I am very happy and excited by it all, and I don't want to alienate anyone (my husband included) by been irritatingly happy lol I also don't have much knowledge of marriage when both are members or where one is not, so I really am still learning.

I have prayed to Heavenly Father about this because its what my heart desires, now I have to exercise my faith that HE knows better than I do how it will all turn out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You may not have the priesthood in your home but that does not mean your husband does not have spiritual guidance to offer. Some of the best counsel I've been given has come from non members.

As your son grows he is capable of understanding that you were married before the church. You chose your husband and you love and honor that choice. He will understand and appreciate that commitment and example. He can love the gospel and both of his parents.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Gwen, its not really my son I am worried about at the moment, its my husband feeling usurped by the Church when it comes to his own family. He is taking a modest role in family home evenings and is very supportive but really, knows only the basics, and to be honest so do I in some respects. I love my husband so I am sure it has to work itself out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My friend married a non-member and she never put pressure on her husband to convert. She loved and respected him despite her desire to have him join the church. She is such a great example of being patient, trusting, and having faith. They had two beautiful daughters together and she took them to church every Sunday alone. She had missionaries over for dinner once a month and relied on her home teachers when she or her kids needed a blessing. It was so exciting for everyone that after 15 years of marriage, her husband decided on his own to take the missionary discussions. He was baptized and a year later the family was sealed in the temple.

Amazing family and story. The husband has been a member for 6 years now and he holds the priesthood, has a strong testimony, and serves in his calling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Gwen, its not really my son I am worried about at the moment, its my husband feeling usurped by the Church when it comes to his own family. He is taking a modest role in family home evenings and is very supportive but really, knows only the basics, and to be honest so do I in some respects. I love my husband so I am sure it has to work itself out.

He doesn't have to take a backseat roll to the church. Family home evening doesn't always have to be spiritual. It is a time to bond as a family, however that works best for you. If he has some kind of faith then prayers in the home shouldn't be too big of an issue. It's ok if he prays differently, it's his expression of faith within your family. That's great.

As your son grows there will be so many things your husband can do without being a member. After turning 8 there is the faith in god program. You can incorporate some of those things into FHE and dad can help with the things that are not priesthood related. If your son chooses to do scouts he can hold leadership positions and do projects and campouts with him. Your husband can participate in wed. night YM's activities.

Participating in these things and being made to feel welcome and most importantly bonding with your son will present opportunities to feel the spirit and will help to bring him to the gospel. Focus on what he can do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He doesn't have to take a backseat roll to the church. Focus on what he can do.

Actually Gwen you did make me feel a bit better. There was a lot there I had not considered yet. One of the Missionaries doing my new members lessons comes from a non member background (he was baptised at 13 and neither parent are members), so I was going to have a chat with him about how it worked for them.

And of course I am still hoping that one day my husband will join the church.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am married to a non-member. When I started going back to church he was not very supportive. As I kept going to church, participating in my callings, and just living by standards with love and respect towards my husband he became more accepting. He has been coming to church and has accepted a calling to work with the scouts. It seems like things fall into place as long as you put your faith in Heavenly Father and put Christlike attributes into the relationship. And I try to see my husband as Heavenly Father does as an eternal being with an eternal purpose. I respect him and his decisions as I would hope that he would do for me. It makes me happy to know that it all has a purpose and it may take time but it will all work out. "Come what may and love it" :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reading through this thread brought back lots of memories. My mother was born in the church, and her ancestors go back to the very early days of the church. My father was not born in the church. Ironically, both my parents' ancestors were on both sides of the conflict in Nauvoo. I have an ancestor whose name was given him in a blessing by Joseph Smith, and that name given was that of one of Joseph's late brother's. I have an ancestor on my father's side who was named after one of the IL militia leaders who rallied the troops against the Mormons in Nauvoo.

Years later my parents married and had four sons, all of whom served missions. My father, even though he was not a member, was always very supportive of my mother. She paid tithing on money he earned, and he never complained. Each time one of us was born, my mother, who was somewhat inactive in the early years, took us to the local unit to be blessed, and my father supported her. When we were baptized, he never complained. He supported my older brother on a mission, without any help from the church. He also donated his skills, time, and labor to building the first chapel in my home town. He did the same for our ward's scout house. He also taught us the importance of remaing true to the covenants we had made. Once my younger brother wasn't getting ready to go to church with Mom and the rest of us, except for Dad. Dad went in to see what was wrong and my brother said he wasn't going to church. My brother then said that since my father never went to church, he didn't have to go. But my father wisely told him that my father didn't go because he hadn't made a covenant with the Lord to do so, but that my brother had and that because he had, he should get up, get ready and go to church to support the church and his mother and be true to his covenant. My father did all this as a non-member.

As the years passed and the church became more important to my mother, she began to want to see my father come into the church as well. Such wasn't going to be easy since some of the members weren't doing much to help out. (I have to laugh when I remember that our home teacher once told my father that because he smoked he was a servant of the devil.) But my mother never pressured him and never gave up hope that perhaps, some day, things might change. But having the missionaries teach my father the lessons wasn't enough since he knew more about the the basic doctrines, teachings, principles and history of the church than the poor elders did. So my mother settled for just having them come to dinner every Monday. Missionaries came and went, but the time came when one missionary came that somehow "clicked" with my father and that missionary was the one who baptized my father.

My father once told us sons that we had a great responsibility since he and us were the only ones among all his ancestors that were members of the church, and that generations of family members now dead depended on us.

Before I went on my mission, my father and I received our patriarchal blessings together. None of us ever really read my father's blessing until he lie dying several years later. What we read was interesting. The first paragraph sounds like that of those who've been born in the church when it said that my father had been faithful in the pre-existence. But then it added something I'd not seen or heard of before. It said that he had chosen to use his agency to be born into a non-member family, and that he had made a convenant with his Father in Heaven that when the day came that he was baptized, he would take the gospel message to those of his family who were not members. Never before had I imagined faithful individuals who used their agency in the pre-existence to be born outside the church as a mission.

In the church we are counseled to marry members. But I'm grateful that my mother did becuase I'm grateful for what both sides of my heritage have taught me. And if my mother hadn't married out, one wonders when and where my father would have joined, and how his family would have ever heard the gospel message.

Your situation and that of my father's reminds me of the words of Elder Orson F. Whitney: "[God] is using not only his covenant people, but other peoples as well, to consummate a work, stupendous, magnificent, and altogether too arduous for this little handful of Saints to accomplish in and by themselves . . ."

Remember, Joseph of Egypt married a non-member, who became the mother of two great nations (Ephraim and Mannaseh), whose members are as the sands of the sea.

So do marriages between members and non-members work? From my own family experience, I would say they can and often do, and sometimes they work in ways we members can't even begin to imagine. And we need to remember that what was begun here in mortality doesn't end in mortality.

Edited by Sean1427
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share