I'm an emotional bully, want to change, HELP!!

[CTR4life]

I’ve been depress for at least 1 year but later it’s seems deeper but I do fight it. Last night my husband told me something that made me think of my behavior towards him, I don’t remember why but he said “You have made clear all the things that you don’t like about me” his voice was kind of sad so, I started to think and I realized that I have lost all respect for my husband, in my eyes he is not handsome, smart, funny, fun to be around, good to have a conversation with, spiritual, sexual, or sexy, handy, etc… see, I can name whatever he is lacking according to me and I pointed out.

I know he is in a depression but some how in my head doesn’t matter. So I see my husband as a loser in almost any way even though he is a good husband, good in helping sometimes when I ask, but somehow that doesn’t seem enough for me, so I guess pointed out the things that I don’t like about him hurts him but never said anything, seems like he doesn’t have a voice. He does always whatever I want, I’m the leader; he doesn’t have an opinion of anything, not ideas, not plans.

Sometimes when I mad at him because whatever he didn’t do, I want to punch him, scream at him but I don’t do it, I get frustrated and keep quiet, he then start doing whatever he was suppose to do. I’m mad at him because I’ve been isolated from friends and sometimes family, because of his dislike of talking to people and because some of them find him rude in a passive way.

I want to change my behavior and learn to accept him in the way he is. I don’t know how to accept that he is not the man that I know he can be or what him to be. I know he knows how I feel about him and I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Also I don’t know how to deal with depressed people.

Please any ideas, counsel, help!

[skippy740]

This link may have some helpful resources for you:

http://www.lds.net/forums/book-club/50563-emotionally-abusive-relationship-beverly-engel.html

[CTR4life]

This link may have some helpful resources for you:

http://www.lds.net/forums/book-club/50563-emotionally-abusive-relationship-beverly-engel.html

Thank you, I will check it out.

[Guest]

What about him made you attracted and loving enough to make you want to marry him? Sounds like you're focusing on a lot of "nots" and turning lots of things into "not anymores". We all change over time, and hopefully our love deepens enough that the negative (usually cosmetic) changes are dwarfed by our deep love and respect for each other. You aren't showing him much respect or thinking of him in loving ways. That's something you can start changing right away. Fake it til you make it and all that. Feed the good, not the bad.

[Traveler]

I’ve been depress for at least 1 year but later it’s seems deeper but I do fight it. Last night my husband told me something that made me think of my behavior towards him, I don’t remember why but he said “You have made clear all the things that you don’t like about me” his voice was kind of sad so, I started to think and I realized that I have lost all respect for my husband, in my eyes he is not handsome, smart, funny, fun to be around, good to have a conversation with, spiritual, sexual, or sexy, handy, etc… see, I can name whatever he is lacking according to me and I pointed out.

I know he is in a depression but some how in my head doesn’t matter. So I see my husband as a loser in almost any way even though he is a good husband, good in helping sometimes when I ask, but somehow that doesn’t seem enough for me, so I guess pointed out the things that I don’t like about him hurts him but never said anything, seems like he doesn’t have a voice. He does always whatever I want, I’m the leader; he doesn’t have an opinion of anything, not ideas, not plans.

Sometimes when I mad at him because whatever he didn’t do, I want to punch him, scream at him but I don’t do it, I get frustrated and keep quiet, he then start doing whatever he was suppose to do. I’m mad at him because I’ve been isolated from friends and sometimes family, because of his dislike of talking to people and because some of them find him rude in a passive way.

I want to change my behavior and learn to accept him in the way he is. I don’t know how to accept that he is not the man that I know he can be or what him to be. I know he knows how I feel about him and I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Also I don’t know how to deal with depressed people.

Please any ideas, counsel, help!

In every scientific study I have ever read - the one most common element of those that perform above average is that there was someone that believed in them and encouraged them to do better. It is the one thing I love about the LDS doctrine - that we are the children of G-d and we are born to greatness.

The one thing about my wife is that no matter how difficult things get or how impossible they seem she always and without fail say, "I know you can do this!" There is a big difference between having someone's back and stabbing them in the back - and it always shows. You were meant for greater things - in is now your time to prove it. A daughter of our Father in Heaven is the difference this world and families needs more than anything else.

The Traveler

[CTR4life]

What about him made you attracted and loving enough to make you want to marry him? Sounds like you're focusing on a lot of "nots" and turning lots of things into "not anymores". We all change over time, and hopefully our love deepens enough that the negative (usually cosmetic) changes are dwarfed by our deep love and respect for each other. You aren't showing him much respect or thinking of him in loving ways. That's something you can start changing right away. Fake it til you make it and all that. Feed the good, not the bad.

I always could be honest with him, he never judged me, he was always there for me, besides that he is really caring, he has alot of good things, you are so right about that I focus more on the nots, and about that I don't find him atractive is not physical but more about his personality, he has change so much that, he is not even close of what he used to be.

As you suggested I need to start changing, I want to respect him and love him madly, I'm not used to fake anything and my honest side comes first, but he is worth the effort and I'm going to try until it feels natural :)

Thank you for your advice!!

[Guest]

Well I'll tell you. . . in 15 years my hubby has more inches around his waist and less hair on his head. He's more stressed out and thus not quite as much fun as he used to be. But when I see him, here's what I choose to see, mostly by choice:

*He has unconditionally loved and respected me through many various weights and moods, including long stretches of depression where I wasn't nearly as much fun to be around.

*He is an incredible father, faithful husband, and fierce protector of his family

*Even through the lean times, he's been willing to do whatever it takes to provide

*He has a strong testimony and lives accordingly

*We have weathered a lot together. A lot. We've taken turns being the tough one, but we've always made it together.

Even though he's not quite the strapping, thick-haired boy that used to make my knees buckle, he is the good, loyal man that I am proud to call mine. If that's not attractive, I don't know what is.

Again: focus on the good. It doesn't have to be a lie. When I said "fake it" I really meant, act like you do love everything about him. . . and only focus on and vocalize those things you do love. Watch what happens. I'm not kidding you. How a woman talks to and sees her man can make all the difference in how he sees himself, and thus, what he does.

[CTR4life]

In every scientific study I have ever read - the one most common element of those that perform above average is that there was someone that believed in them and encouraged them to do better. It is the one thing I love about the LDS doctrine - that we are the children of G-d and we are born to greatness.

The one thing about my wife is that no matter how difficult things get or how impossible they seem she always and without fail say, "I know you can do this!" There is a big difference between having someone's back and stabbing them in the back - and it always shows. ** You were meant for greater things - in is now your time to prove it. A daughter of our Father in Heaven is the difference this world and families needs more than anything else.The Traveler

Thank you Traveler, I do try to be supportive with my husband but if I said "I know you can do it" my husband says, "you do know that and neither do I" I used to said, "lets trust HF and He will guide us" he didn't said anything and just ignored me. He gets kind of mad when I try to confort him with words, so (it's not an excuse, since I know what I do is wrong, and didn't know that I was doing it) I started to bully him.

** Thank you, I have forgotten, who I am, also still do not know where to find me again but always when I do what HF wants me to do, it gets better and better. You are so right, thank you again.

[CTR4life]

*We have weathered a lot together. A lot. We've taken turns being the tough one, but we've always made it together.

Even though he's not quite the strapping, thick-haired boy that used to make my knees buckle, he is the good, loyal man that I am proud to call mine. If that's not attractive, I don't know what is.

Again: focus on the good. It doesn't have to be a lie. When I said "fake it" I really meant, act like you do love everything about him. . . and only focus on and vocalize those things you do love. Watch what happens. I'm not kidding you. How a woman talks to and sees her man can make all the difference in how he sees himself, and thus, what he does.

I'm happy for you, I guess in my mind I kind of made up a fairy tale and if he doesn't fits in it, I become a bad person. My husband doesn't believe in HF anymore and it is the most important thing for me, it hurts me that I don't share this with him.

What are you saying is that, I close my mouth when mean things want o come out, right? :) But do say only the nice ones, right? :)

I want to build him up, so I will start to be nice again.

[Lakumi]

I don't know anything about relationships but I do know a lot about depression. For some, to really overcome it, they need a professional, though I overcame it by myself.

Though you don't think it effects every facet of your life (say your job is terrible) but it does, quicker then you can even see it. I recommend something to pass the time, bring a bit of joy into your life.

A hobby perhaps?