How do you show charity to someone that loves to give but hates to receive?

[Bini]

It's easier to serve and show charity to someone that is willing to take it, and while gratitude is appreciated it's not always given. Regardless, that is not the reason The Lord has commanded us to love thy neighbour as thyself and to serve others through charity. The reason is for the giver to learn humility and selflessness, and it's always a bonus if an act of kindness changes another's life.

But how do you serve someone out of charity that doesn't want help, of any kind, period? Do you skip that person?

I was thinking about someone that I love dearly but she's a tough cookie. To expand, she loves to volunteer and serve others, she's not LDS but has been Catholic for about 60 years -- probably longer. Teaching others about Christ is also a passion of hers. I'd describe her as a lifetime missionary and advocate of charity. All that said, she has a very difficult time allowing others to help her. She insists that there's no reason why she can't mow her own lawn or pick the apples from her orchard -- she says that she's an able body and prefers to be out helping others instead of receiving. Anyway, about 10 years ago her husband passed at home. I remember everyone wanted to do SOMETHING for her, and my mum and a couple other RS women pulled together a goodies basket and went over to visit. This little old lady became visibly distressed when she realised the efforts they went through, and told them that she appreciated it but really wished they hadn't gone through the trouble. So how do you serve someone like this? Because when you do it anyway, it literally burdens that person with distress instead of instilling a feeling of relief.

[Gwen]

Not sure you can. Someone has to want help before you can really help them.

However, if she is open to discuss it there are some christ centered principles she is missing. For someone to give/serve another must receive. We learn the true love of christ through service.... again if there is no one to serve then how will any of us learn. I understand being independent but in a way she is denying others of the opportunity to learn and feel the growth she so much enjoys.

I'm pretty independent and there are a couple of sisters here that I'm constantly helping out with rides to grocery store or laundry mat or what have you. They will sometimes offer to help me out if I ever need anything but I never call on them. One day I decided to actually take one of them up on an offer. My kitchen had just gotten out of control so after dropping the kids off I picked her up and she spent the day at my house helping me get it back together. Could I have done it alone? yup. Though I've also seen a difference in her willingness to help at church and in our friendship since that day.

What I learned is that sometimes it is service to another to allow them the opportunity to serve.

A recent talk on the subject.

The Good and Grateful Receiver

[Traveler]

It's easier to serve and show charity to someone that is willing to take it, and while gratitude is appreciated it's not always given. Regardless, that is not the reason The Lord has commanded us to love thy neighbour as thyself and to serve others through charity. The reason is for the giver to learn humility and selflessness, and it's always a bonus if an act of kindness changes another's life.

But how do you serve someone out of charity that doesn't want help, of any kind, period? Do you skip that person?

I was thinking about someone that I love dearly but she's a tough cookie. To expand, she loves to volunteer and serve others, she's not LDS but has been Catholic for about 60 years -- probably longer. Teaching others about Christ is also a passion of hers. I'd describe her as a lifetime missionary and advocate of charity. All that said, she has a very difficult time allowing others to help her. She insists that there's no reason why she can't mow her own lawn or pick the apples from her orchard -- she says that she's an able body and prefers to be out helping others instead of receiving. Anyway, about 10 years ago her husband passed at home. I remember everyone wanted to do SOMETHING for her, and my mum and a couple other RS women pulled together a goodies basket and went over to visit. This little old lady became visibly distressed when she realised the efforts they went through, and told them that she appreciated it but really wished they hadn't gone through the trouble. So how do you serve someone like this? Because when you do it anyway, it literally burdens that person with distress instead of instilling a feeling of relief.

You may not know it but you are talking about my late father - thus making me an expert on this subject. There are not a lot of options because these kind of individuals are genuine in their expressions that they not receive help. But there are two options that I have found effective. I will try to explain as I go.

The first option requires a little understanding. People like my father and I believe your little old lady do not mind being known and visible but they do not like the spot light nor much praise. They are uncomfortable and out of their element when attention is centered on them. If you dig deep enough you may find the reason but the bottom line is that for what-ever reason they are uncomfortable being at the center of attention. That does not mean that they do not appreciate thanks, help or some recolonization - they just do not want to be the center of any universe. Therefore, help and assistance must be done without any fanfare and far removed from any spotlight. Such service is best done in secret and anomalously.

If they should ask you directly if the service was yours - just act disappointed and and admit that you sincerely wish it had been you but they will have to find someone else to thank.

The second option is not so easy. It requires patents and sensitivity to the spirit. Our L-rd know their hearts and will someday place them in a circumstance that they must rely on someone else. With my father it came during the final few months of his life. My father was stricken and had to be cared for as one does an infant. He had to be bathed, fed, dressed and cleaned up after soiling his adult diapers (and other things). It broke his heart and he was in constant tears while receiving care knowing that he had nothing but his tears to give in return. I was drawn way out of my comfort zone and believe that we are both eternally better for it.

The Traveler

[Gretchen]

I think she does not want to be seen as a burden. Perhaps instead of doing things for her, do things with her. Also, be a friend, sometimes just having someone to talk to is all the help someone needs.

[TalkativeIntrovert]

I was exactly like that lady, and sometimes still am.

The lessons in church, and mentioned above, about denying others an opportunity to do service were invaluable. I always receive service graciously and I am very appreciative but inside I still feel that they shouldn't be doing it for me! I am trying to change.

I now try and teach my 68 year old mother (non member) the same!!!

She still mows her lawn even though she has a lot of healthy, willing children and grandchildren around. She broke her arm a few years ago because she fell off a chair cleaning out the garage (after my father died), we found out she was using a sledgehammer to break up old furniture to put out for council pickup in pieces as she couldn't carry it.

One day, she got wind of us going over for a surprise working bee, and worked all night to get the lawns and house in order so there would be very little for us to do. She even cooked up a magnificent lunch. Stubborn thing she is!

So all you can do with a person like that is continue to be there, and continue to offer help. There will be a day unfortunately where they will have to accept the help, and it will be very hard for them.

[applepansy]

I have a hard time accepting help. Unfortunately, because of my stubbornness, Heavenly Father has given me some blessings/challenges . These blessings have made it impossible to do somethings on my own. I am physically unable to do everything anymore.

What I've learned is that its important to learn to receive. We all have needs, especially those who say they don't. We are not being charitable ourselves when we refuse charitable service from those who want to help. But.... knowing doesn't make it easier.

Also, because I can't do everything myself anymore I've had to learn patience. Note: Do not pray for patience.

[Gwen]

A thought that just crossed my mind..... If we don't learn to receive then how will we ever be saved? After all we can do Christ will fill in the gap. If we can't accept/receive his gift and are bound to accomplish it on our own we will always fail.

[Bini]

A thought that just crossed my mind..... If we don't learn to receive then how will we ever be saved? After all we can do Christ will fill in the gap. If we can't accept/receive his gift and are bound to accomplish it on our own we will always fail.

Traveler, great post. I do believe that is a lot of where she's coming from.

Gwen, I don't think she has a problem with that. She just isn't one to sit and let others wait on her, whatever the form of service it is. For example, she's never even really home to allow anyone to drop by and visit. She is the founder of a little nature walk group, volunteers at the old home, and does all kinds of other service projects. No one can seem to catch her or catch up with her to give any charity lol.