Visiting teaching advice

genericsn · July 30, 2013

I VT this sister who seems like she uses me. I have given her a ton of clothing when she was in need. I have given her things I was going to sale for free (I had one thing sold and I back out and gave it to her for free). I have babysat her kids many times. I am fine with service but they way she acts towards me makes me feel like I am becoming a door mat. I will ask her if she want to meet at a park or something, and she won't even respond back. She will get ahold of me if she needs babysitting though. I think that I will just stop doing things, but then my VT partner feels like I should just do them anyways because we are suppost to. I honestly just want to ask for another person to visit. What would you do? Am I in the wrong for not wanting to help another person, or am I making myself a doormat by helping someone who will only interact with me if they need something?

July 30, 2013

Stop saying yes. "No" is a complete sentence. If you feel you need to say more, just say "That's not going to work for me." Or, "Sure, that shirt is $5" or "I'm glad you asked, I was hoping to make a little money this week. I babysit for $X an hour."

You're a visiting teacher, not an on-call servant. She can only take advantage if you let her. If she has a legitimate need, of course you can take in a meal or whatever you feel appropriate, but letting her use you isn't helping her. Boundaries are healthy for all involved.

IamMe · July 30, 2013

You're there to be her sister and friend, not her doormat.

By all means if she needs a babysitter, provide her with a list of yw/ym that are looking to babysit for some cash, and if she doesn't already know them, introduce them.

I also think this is something to have a chat with either to your vt supervisor or your rs prez

applepansy · August 1, 2013

I agree. You don't need to be a doormat. Sometimes its hard to distinguish between a real need and when someone just wants to take advantage. Saying no sometimes will help you start see where the real needs are. When we automatically say yes to everything we don't allow those we help to grow (this includes our children :) ).

I don't ask for help very often. When I do its usually babysitting but that's not very often. I can't afford to pay one of the young women. I've tried to trade babysitting with a couple of the young mothers in the ward and that's helped, but every once in awhile I run into a day when I need a babysitter and I don't have money to pay someone. This Friday is one of those days.

pam · August 1, 2013

I think some sisters have the misconception that their visiting teacher is there to help with all of their needs. Not true.

dahlia · August 2, 2013

I think some sisters have the misconception that their visiting teacher is there to help with all of their needs. Not true.

Yup. I was assigned to a woman who apparently used her young VTs shamelessly. I was told they selected me because they knew Sister Dahlia was not going to take any s... And indeed, I won't. I won't go into details, but true to form, something came up. Let's just say I had no problems saying 'no.'

Service is one thing, being used is another.

mnn727 · August 2, 2013

Follow the advise of Nancy Reagan "Just say No"

If this sister needs that much help, give her the phone number of the Ward Exec Sec and tell her to make an appointment with the Bishop.

mnn727 · August 2, 2013

but then my VT partner feels like I should just do them anyways because we are suppost to.

You VT partner is wrong, No one is called to be a doormat

MorningStar · August 2, 2013

I taught I lady who thought I owed it to her to watch her three children while she and her husband went to New York for a week.

Is this lady single? Having a major financial struggle? Do what's reasonable, but don't hurt yourself financially for someone else.

alison_143 · August 3, 2013

You said that your VT partner feels that you should just help because you're "supposed to". Does she offer any service to the sister herself? If not, you can direct the sister towards your VT partner. Not in a malicious way, but just so she gets an idea of the type of attitude the sister has. Maybe it will help her see that this sister is taking advantage.

Other than that, boundaries definitely need to be set. I'm a firm believer in honest communication. Next time she asks you for something and you feel like you need to say "No", tell her WHY you're saying no. Don't go calling her an unappreciative mooch or anything, just be real with her. Tell her that you have your own life, kids, chores, school, work, whatever it is and that takes up a lot of your time. Explain that you helping her so much really does put you behind in your own life. Give her resources for other babysitters that she can pay, help her understand bus routes, anything to help her be more independent. If you shared Conference talks with her (in a tactful way) about the emphasis the Church puts on self-reliance. Help her understand the value in being self reliant.

That's all you can really do. If she gets offended by you setting boundaries, you can't change that and you definitely can't keep doing things out of guilt or obligation.

In an ideal world, she'll learn to only call upon you when it truly is necessary, but you have to teach her what is necessary. Remember that saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

Good luck!