Should I tell my member friends that their friend is a married to a child molester?

[lagarthaaz]

I don't even know where to start with this.

First of all, some years ago my best friend's daughter was molested when she was six years old during a sleepover at a trusted family man's home. Once it was reported to the police, his niece (about the same age) said he had also done the same thing to her. He admitted to the crimes and a court case followed. Because he was related to a large family in the church, had held various leadership callings, ran a successful business, had a beautiful family and to all outward appearances was an upstanding member of the community; there were many people who wrote character references for him during the court case. The family also encouraged his little niece to 'forgive' him and she was helped to write a note saying she had forgiven him and had not suffered as a result of what he had done to her (I'm not joking, this really happened).

This made my friend's family and daughter feel that everyone was supporting the criminal - he got lots of understanding hugs from priesthood holders at church and so on. My friend's family meanwhile, were given very little in the way of support at church and were made to feel that they were the ones at fault for not being forgiving enough. The man who molested the girls had previously been excommunicated (twice that I know of) for adultery during his mission, and again when he got home. He was always offering to drive children and young women home from activities, and flirted openly with women at church. I always thought he came across as a bit sleazy and smarmy and never warmed to him at all, but was still shocked that he had molested children. The judge sentenced him to several years as a suspended sentence, on the condition he seek psychological counseling and not re-offend. He was once again excommunicated. I know his ex-wife well - he never sought counseling apart from talking to church leaders. He never apologized to the girls or their families for what he put them through and moved to another city with his family to start over. Eventually he and his wife divorced.

About 18 months ago this man was re-baptized. My friend was upset and called the offender's bishop to ask why he was allowed to be re-baptized when he had never made any effort to apologize or make restitution to the families. It was her understanding that in this situation, the offender was meant to say sorry to the victims as part of the repentance process and that she should have been contacted before he was re-baptized (I don't know if that's the way things are done, but she was told that by a church leader). It turned out the man's bishop was unaware of much of what had happened as this man gave the bishop a sanitized account - the bishop also had no knowledge that there had been a court case over the issue. Both girls have had emotional problems growing up (both are around 20 years old now) - including developing eating disorders and engaging in self-mutilation. Both are still angry at their molester, church and the fact he received no actual jail time, and both have not been active since their early teens.

For a few years I have lived in a new ward, with new member friends. I'm not much for facebook and social media, but one of my new friends recently invited me to join a Relief Society group for our ward. Almost immediately after 'adding her' to my friends list, I saw some posts on her wall from the man who molested the little girls, and his current wife. The new wife has three children, one of whom is a little girl about seven years old - I just felt sick when I saw the pictures I'm assuming his new wife must know something about his past, but I know that my new friends have no idea. He sometimes socializes with them and their children.

His sins are not mine to forgive or condemn - I understand that. Maybe he's repented fully, or maybe he's still a conniving manipulator who has lied to his bishop - I have no idea. Only god knows the state of his heart and hopefully he's a changed man. But knowing what I know, should I keep quiet and hope that nothing bad happens? Or should I let my friends know so that they can at least be aware that there might be a risk to their children. I know that if it were me in their shoes, I would want to know.

Some outside perspective would be much appreciated as I'm really not sure what to do.

[Windseeker]

I commend you on being concerned and I think you are justified for sure.

Is he registered as a sex offender? What are the laws like in Australia? Can you get a hold of the court records? I see no harm in informing them of the facts and letting them make their own decisions.

Does anyone know of what the Bishops responsibility in notifying members in these cases? Is it ever done?

I'm sorry for what these girls have gone thru.

[Guest]

I would want to know.

[HiJolly]

Yes, I think you should.

[skippy740]

An anonymous letter with documentation would probably be very helpful to those who should know. :)

[applepansy]

I would want to know. Its important to keep children safe.

[Dark_Jedi]

I agree that she should probably be told - apparently he hid it from her. Some sort of supporting documentation (court papers, news account) would be helpful. I ahve no problem with you doing so anonymously.

[ruthiechan]

I would want to know and I would be mad as hell at you if I found out later that you knew something and didn't tell me. Supporting documentation would be good if you can get it, otherwise, tell them in a similar way you told us. I would also tell the man's wife too, because it could be that she has no idea. She, too, probably got a light version of events the way the Bishop did. Maybe even call CPS to spark an investigation to protect his seven year old daughter.

[Jane_Doe]

Ditto to all ruthiechan said.

[lagarthaaz]

Thanks everyone for the feedback - that's pretty much how I feel too. I would definitely want to know if someone in my social circle had a history of child molestation, even if it was something he says he repented of and left in his past.

Things are now a bit more complicated - I went back on facebook to write my friend a message. I saved it as a draft as I want to think on the wording. My friend has grown children who are young marrieds...and one of them recently married the man in question's young adult son. So my new friend is related to him by marriage, something I didn't know before. There were lots of rosy, friendly pictures of my friends grown daughters with his grown daughters from his first marriage. His second wife was also in the pictures making comments about how happy she is with him - I really hope she doesn't know about what he's done, because I can't fathom why a woman with young kids would marry a man who has a past of molesting children.

I know I may lose friends and be seen as causing problems once I let a few people know about this man's past. I guess that's a small price to pay to ensure people are at least aware and can protect their children.

I could let people know anonymously, but this issue might not be taken seriously if I go that route.

[lagarthaaz]

I commend you on being concerned and I think you are justified for sure.

Is he registered as a sex offender? What are the laws like in Australia? Can you get a hold of the court records? I see no harm in informing them of the facts and letting them make their own decisions.

Does anyone know of what the Bishops responsibility in notifying members in these cases? Is it ever done?

I'm sorry for what these girls have gone thru.

I feel weird even thinking about applying to the courts for a transcript of this case, but I'm pretty sure my friend whose daughter was a victim in this case might have a copy somewhere.

Fourteen years on and in a completely different city...I can't believe I'm in the position of having to tell people about all this. It's going to upset quite a few people that their trusted friend may possibly be a danger to their children But, I feel the same as everyone here, it has to be said.

Edited August 8, 2013 by lagarthaaz

[Jane_Doe]

My best friend was once engaged to a person, whom I knew to be a child molester. I also know he had told her the “truth” of what happened. His account was total BS, but my friend wished to believe it. If I spoke up against this man and told her what I had seen, I knew my friend would reject me for spreading such 'lies' and ‘slander’. That fear of rejection kept my mouth shut for 2 years, until I simply could not live with it anymore-- I felt that our ‘friendship’ had degraded to nothing more than a façade based on my silence and her willful blindness. Eventually, I did tell her, circumvent over an email (a mythology I regret, I should have had the guts to tell her in person). She refused to believe me and was ordered by her now husband to cut off all contact with me. She complied completely, and I cried many nights.

Years later, she and I have not spoken. The two of them are still together, my words did nothing to even phase her trust in him. Regardless, I am glad I spoke up: I was truthful to myself and what I knew, and that is the best life I can live. What she does is forever up to her, not me.

What you do is up to you. If you do decide to tell your friend, make sure that it is what you want 300%. Speak to her honestly, telling her what you know and freely admitting what you don’t know. I personally feel a court transcript or other evidence will be very useful to have. Realize that this man is a man your friend knows and trusts, and she may very well not believe you—such is her God given right. Even if she does believe you, she may choose to not change anything.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Jane_Doe

[Gretchen]

In America, you can look up a (basic) profile about sex offenders, often by googling "(Offender's Name) sex offender". I do not know if they have a simaler thing in Australia, but if they do, you can always set up a "throw-away" e-mail address with a name like "Anonymous Person", and send bishopric, and any others you see fit (RS presidency, men's group, Primary presidency, etc.) an e-mail with a link to his thing.

(if this message does not make sense, please feel free to ask me to clarify after Excedrin kicks in)

[lagarthaaz]

My best friend was once engaged to a person, whom I knew to be a child molester. I also know he had told her the “truth” of what happened. His account was total BS, but my friend wished to believe it. If I spoke up against this man and told her what I had seen, I knew my friend would reject me for spreading such 'lies' and ‘slander’. That fear of rejection kept my mouth shut for 2 years, until I simply could not live with it anymore-- I felt that our ‘friendship’ had degraded to nothing more than a façade based on my silence and her willful blindness. Eventually, I did tell her, circumvent over an email (a mythology I regret, I should have had the guts to tell her in person). She refused to believe me and was ordered by her now husband to cut off all contact with me. She complied completely, and I cried many nights.

Years later, she and I have not spoken. The two of them are still together, my words did nothing to even phase her trust in him. Regardless, I am glad I spoke up: I was truthful to myself and what I knew, and that is the best life I can live. What she does is forever up to her, not me.

What you do is up to you. If you do decide to tell your friend, make sure that it is what you want 300%. Speak to her honestly, telling her what you know and freely admitting what you don’t know. I personally feel a court transcript or other evidence will be very useful to have. Realize that this man is a man your friend knows and trusts, and she may very well not believe you—such is her God given right. Even if she does believe you, she may choose to not change anything.

Thanks for telling me about your experience and I am sorry that you've lost a friend you obviously loved dearly. It's her loss. I also agree with you that it's better to have this kind of discussion in person rather than via email where things can get out of hand quickly.

There are actually two of my friends who are directly involved with the man in question. I called one today and I framed my words from the perspective that if it were me, I would want to know. I told her everything I know about this man and she was understandably floored. She said she used to live in the same street and socialized with this man and his wife, and that he's the kind of person she'd have no problem leaving her children with if they wanted to go for a playdate with his stepchildren. She said she found him charming, helpful and kind but that she did notice he was a bit of a 'ladies man'. She thanked me for telling her because she had absolutely no idea. She also said that she and her family needed to know, since there is now a relationship by marriage and they will probably see him at a lot of family functions where they'd need to keep an eye on their children.

So, I've let the first friend know and it went ok. Still, that could change over the coming days when she's had time to digest what I've said and tries to fathom how it's possible that Mr Charming has actually molested children.

She is also going to let our other friend 'know'... so we'll see how that transpires in the next few days too.

[lagarthaaz]

In America, you can look up a (basic) profile about sex offenders, often by googling "(Offender's Name) sex offender". I do not know if they have a simaler thing in Australia, but if they do, you can always set up a "throw-away" e-mail address with a name like "Anonymous Person", and send bishopric, and any others you see fit (RS presidency, men's group, Primary presidency, etc.) an e-mail with a link to his thing.

(if this message does not make sense, please feel free to ask me to clarify after Excedrin kicks in)

:) Hope you feel better soon :)

We don't have a system like that here - or not that I'm aware of. There are some websites that publish the names and crimes of sex-offenders, but they are run by volunteers and are not at all comprehensive.

Nothing was in the news because it was a closed court, he was handed a suspended sentence (conditional upon him getting professional counseling and not re-offending) , and he wasn't named publicly because it's law here not to give any information/names that might identify the victims.

If it comes to anyone wanting proof, then I will refer them to my friend who is the mother of one of the victims. I'm a bit reluctant to get a transcript in case it ends up being randomly passed around (not fair on the victims), but if it comes to that I can get if from my friend and only show it to my new friends in person.

[Jane_Doe]

You could always black-out the names of the victims (no one would argue).

[lagarthaaz]

You could always black-out the names of the victims (no one would argue).

Good idea, hadn't thought of that.

So far so good. I've informed both of my ward friends about the situation (since they are involved via friendship and/or marriage with this man), and also called the mother of one of the victims to keep her in the loop. She is going to email the second wife of the man in question, and also contact his bishop again to be sure this woman knows who she is exposing her children to.

Anyway, I've let the necessary people know and now I feel I can let it rest. I'm thankful to everyone for the feedback as it helped me find the courage to do what needed to be done.

[Just_A_Guy]

If ex-wife knows for a fact that he isn't keeping his end of the plea bargain, why hasn't she notified the prosecutor?

[lagarthaaz]

If ex-wife knows for a fact that he isn't keeping his end of the plea bargain, why hasn't she notified the prosecutor?

I really don't know why she did and didn't do a number of things. They are certainly not choices that I would make, but she was under an extreme amount of stress and life as she knew it was falling apart. She told me (a few years ago) that he made initial inquiries to see a pyschologist but never followed through, and I think in her mind, the counseling he was getting with various church leaders was more important to help him repent and change.

This man is quite manipulative - I'm quite sure he had his wife convinced that whatever he was doing was enough. She defended him during the court case and stayed with him for quite a few years after everything happened. Considering her loyalty to him and her willingness to believe whatever he told her, I'm not surprised she didn't inform the courts that he wasn't following through with the formal counseling with a pyschologist.

[Sadsister]

You did the right thing. I am glad you had the courage to do it.