Please help. Youth needing lots of advice.

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I'm not sure if this is the appropriate to ask this in. Please pardon me if its the wrong spot.

I was curious to try this forum. I have so many questions about things, but I have a very hard time asking people things. Pretty much in general, I am not good with words.

I'd be very helpful to get some feed back from many of any, I'd very much appreciate it.

I have had these burning questions within me for almost a year now. I've prayed about them too, multiple times. I may get some saying that I need to be more patient, and maybe your right. However, I felt I should try this.

1st Question:

First though I should give in a little background, this may help a bit on how to help me...maybe.

I've been struggling with going to church this past 2 years. My parents got divorced, and its been challenging finding the right ways sometimes, because of my asking problem.

My father's activity has fluctuated up and down ever since I could remember. His job causes him to be gone for weeks at a time and back for 1. ( So with the divorce, the whole seeing each other thing hasn't really been affected )

My mother however, I have been concerned with for awhile. I used to be so close with her, we were like best friends. I was able to tell her ANYTHING. It was hard to talk to my father, because he often yelled instead of helping. ( he's improved A LOT over the years )

I stay with her at her house and live there. I am almost positive I'm moving out this week to my dads. Her and I have drifted away from each other. As much as I want things to be back to normal, its much more complex than that. You see.... both my best friend and I have noticed shes changed a lot. I know for a fact that the divorce has taken a big toll on her. And it still does. She's been depressed. And even having her boyfriend in her life.

I am stuck. I've been avoiding her for when I can because I'm scared to talk to her.

I am sweet to many people, and hate hurting their feelings. ( a quality I got from her ) But when I talk to her about things, I get really nonchalant and serious. Maybe even appear cold. I hate to envision myself be like that, and especially to my mother.

Ever since she's been dating, I have felt very neglected. My loneliness and frustration fuelled some still remaining resentment against my mother...also I've taken it out on myself to. Both my parents have always told my brother and I it was never our fault for what happened. And I believe it. But, I feel lost. I have needed my mom for things, for answers and also and example. But to be frank, she has failed to meet them. I cant ask my dad either, for certain reasons. I want my mom back. This makes me sound like a real cry baby, but I want my old mom back. She used to be so active and light spirited. But this man that she's with, seems to have brought her down instead of up. Now don't get me wrong, he's a really nice person and I'm not saying he is a mistake. I'm glad I've met him. But his problems, combined with my mom, they both can't help each other up. My friend, who is close with my mom feels my confusion too. He has sought my mother for advice and looked to her as an example.

But now, its been difficult approaching my mother. For the both of us. Also my younger brother. ( He is almost never home either. He'd rather stay at his friends house, I can see why ) We NEVER have Family Home evening together anymore. I'm scared to ask. And also, whenever we start things they never last. My mom has come to me in tears asking for forgiveness many times. And those many times I've forgiven her. But its gotten harder and harder to trust her because she either procrastinates or she goes back to the old way.

I feel my mother is still very young at heart, which makes it hard to count on her. I've went to my grandma to talk to as well, but things are getting hard between us too. ( her mental stability isn't exactly top notch ) My only advisors I can think of that have helped me, is my best friend, and Heavenly Father.

I am moving out to be away from both my mother and grandmother, living at my dads house alone. My question is what to do about my mother? I really don't know what to do here. I've gotten to the point where I want to live away from them. And I never wanted this to happen.

But their guilt tripping drives me away even more. And for the record, please, please do not make this out into that I hate my mother. I dont. I love her dearly. So please dont make any negative comments about what she's previously done. I am looking for advice that will help me now. Or maybe something to inspire me what to do.

2nd Question:

This has to do with my inactivity.

After years of growing up in households that are struggling in holding the gospel, I want to make a change.

Back in my old ward, I still had a hard time meeting my duties in my callings. Not because I didn't want to, or I thought they were dumb, but because my lack of knowledge growing up, I felt embarrassed and unworthy to participate.

I've always loved the gospel and its teachings. I am starting to do better at controlling my thoughts and at disciplining myself. But I know I still have much to go.

I barely passed seminary, thankfully because of my loving and understanding teacher. I didn't go because of the same reason. Scripture study never was imprinted as a priority in our house hold by my mother. But my dad made it seem like it was a chore, or it was a punishment. ( because of the way he acted about it ) Now looking back, I can see where he was coming from of wanting to get us into reading our scriptures. But scaring never works with kids. And neither does procrastination. Even though I have grown up in the church, I still yearn to know much still, but being older now, I hurts that I am so behind. ( and I live in a highly populated mormon area ) I never get teased or anything, but I really feel alone though. My ward is very pleasant, but a bit off, er.. different from my other ward. They are a bright lovely bunch, but maybe I get nervous because I feel inferior or something.. I don't know. I want to fit in, or be able to be like them, to be an example, not just a follower. What is the best way for overcoming fear or nervousness?

I have been practicing and am getting better, but I feel I'm not doing what I should be. How do you start, and keep GOOD habits. My family has a weakness in procrastinating, and I want to break that chain.

Thank you to any of those who have taken the time to read this and answer my questions.

I really appreciate it.

Edited by TheYearningSpirit
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If you had a closeness with your mom before, the foundation should be there to communicate honestly with her. I guarantee she loves you. Sometimes when life hands us such a blow it really knocks the wind out of us. She's going through a tough time and doesn't mean to hurt you or push you away, I'm sure. She's trying to figure out how to be a single mom, how to date again (whether I agree with that is another question), how to accept that life didn't turn out the way she planned. Let her know where you are and what you need from her. A kind, honest conversation could go a long way. Let her know you want to talk and need some time with her.

As for the other, start with one thing. Whether it's reading scriptures before you go to bed, or praying every morning, or whatever. Just choose one thing and keep at it. When it becomes routine, add another thing. At this point your learning is your own responsibility. Take it. :)

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It sounds to me like you are looking for peace and not finding it at your mom's. Divorce is a very difficult thing to live through, both for the parents and the children. I am divorced and tried to keep it from affecting my children as much as possible while establishing a better home environment for them. We all changed a lot over the years because of it and the closeness I felt I had with my children is not the same as it was.

I know it can be hard but find a way to support your mom without letting her guilt trips get to you. If you can do that better from your dad's place then moving may be best. I'm sure your mom still loves you and she too may want the closeness you two once had to return but because of the divorce and how it has affected her she may not know how to do that right now.

On the other hand you mention that you feel neglected and alone and have indicated that your dad is not home much. How will those feelings change if you move to your dad's house?

Have you thought about what you will tell your mom as to why you are moving? How will you moving affect your younger brother?

I am not trying to advise you one way or the other about moving to your dad's but just pointing out things I hope will help you think this through.

As for the fear and nervousness, the only thing that comes to mind is practice. So whatever you fear or are nervous about if you can practice then that could help.

As Eowyn said, start with one thing and then move on to the next. One technique I have used to remember to do things until I establish it as a habit is to put things where they will remind me. So if you were to start with praying you could put a stone in your shoe to remind you to pray in the morning because if you forget it is there then you will feel it when you put your shoe on and remember. Then place the stone (or marble) on your pillow where you are sure to notice it when you go to bed and when you find it there then place it in your shoe again.

Don't worry about how much more other people know than you do. We all started with knowing very little and learned from there and are all at different stages of learning. I was astounded at how much I had forgotten about the gospel when I stopped going to church for a few years. But when I returned I just started learning again and am still learning. As for calling many people receive callings that require them to learn. My understanding of callings is that they are intended to be learned while doing them and I would hope no one would fault you for what you don't know and simply accept that you are trying the best you can with what you know while learning what you don't know about that calling.

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“Stick to the ship of Zion. If boats come to the side, showing beautiful colors and making wonderful promises, do not get off the ship to go to the shore on any other boat; but keep on the ship. If you are badly used by any of those that are on the ship, who have not got the proper spirit, remember the ship itself is alright. We should not allow our minds to become soured because of anything that the people on the ship may do to us; the ship is alright, and the officers are alright, and we will be right if we stick to the ship. I can assure you it will take you right into the land of glory.” - President Joseph Fielding Smith

"This Church has before it many close places through which it will have to pass before the work of God is crowned with glory. The difficulties will be of such a character that the man or woman who does not possess a personal knowledge or witness will fall. If you have not got this testimony, you must live right and call upon the Lord, and cease not until you obtain it. Remember these sayings: The time will come when no man or woman will be able to endure on borrowed light. Each will have to be guided by the light within themselves. If you do not have the knowledge that Jesus is the Christ, how can you stand?" - Elder/Apostle Heber C. Kimball

How do you break the chain of procrastination? How do you overcome your weakness?

The answer is that you don't for alone you lack the power. The power you seek lies within the Atonement of Jesus Christ and He is the one who has the power to heal you and grant you the strength you seek. He can fan the flame of your yearning to where you will pour through the writings of the scriptures and the Prophets in this dispensation to where you obtain such a wealth and breadth of gospel knowledge and strength that you find yourself beyond many of your peers instead of behind them.

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Ask God in faith for the gifts you lack and sincerely offer your whole heart to him. Repent and offer a heart and a contrite spirit where your desire is "thy will be done" regardless of how long it will take or how difficult the journey will be. Plead for a new heart and the healing you need and continue striving to add the works that evident living faith.

If you lack such faith, then plead for such faith and pour our your whole soul unto the Lord in earnest and heartfelt prayer. I have walked a path like yours before and I promise you that He will hear you and if you ask in faith, miracles will occur.


Brother M.

P.S. If you're ever looking for a good doctrinal read/primer I recommend getting and reading the book "The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith - Compiled by Joseph Fielding Smith". You'll be glad you did.

Edited by Martain
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Just a thought, but perhaps it is time to turn to your ward family. I had a YW leader who was more of a mother figure than my own mother, and I've actually run away to try to be with them.

If you can find a family in your ward who you "connect" with, see if you can stay with them for a while while your family works itself out. They (your adopted family) will also likely be willing to help you with church activity and understanding.


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1) I used to be super tight with my son predivorce. But to keep him from having to deal with adult concerns/ worries/ hearing about all the crap his dad was putting me through/ not put him in the middle/ not talk negative,y about his father/ etc. I had to reeeeeally back away. I was going through an extremely AWFUL time, and I needed to be his mother, and not shove all my pain onto him for him to deal with. This was exacerbated by it being a domestic violence divorce. He's ticked at me (still) for pulling back... But when it's all you can do not to cry (or scream, fall apart)... Sometimes the face you present to the world is a little "stiff". Especially when it's someone you are trying to protect. And it gets even stiffer when his dad starts getting all manipulative with my son and I want to launch into a tirade but am literally biting my tongue, force a smile, and try to focus on the good part (yep. My ex may be using our son, but at least he was nice to him. Which means my son is happier & not having to put up with his dads temper for those 5 minutes). Breathe. Smile. Tell the truth "I'm so happy things are getting better for you, kiddo." But NOT the whole truth "And when Jerkface hurts you by doing xyz next week, with this abc thing you're so happy about this week as the platform because he's manipulating you, I'll be there. And I wont link the two. I wont point out how youre being used. I'll let you enjoy the moment. Because more than anything I want you to be happy."

He won't appreciate this superhuman effort, hopefully ever, and at the very least not for years (but I really hope he has better sense than to marry an abusive jerk). If he makes my mistake, and has to sacrifice his relationship with his child to protect them, it will break my heart. This is the worst kind of pain imaginable. Evenday i just wanted to take him and run to the ends of fhe earth and never have to deal with his dad, ever again. instead i had/have to keep,sending him to be with a charming monster. So I really hope he never knows.

In the meantime, he got the "stiff & kind of distant" version of me for about a year and a half (until his dad got bored and stopped messing with me. Which is an eternity to a kid. And I know it. But my only other choice was to make him miserable. I HATE this choice. But the alternative is worse.

The upside... My son was young enough (middle school) that he had to wait it out.

We're back to normal (mostly) now.

Your solution... You're not close anymore so you're leaving to not be close at all... Is something ***I*** would so have done. Heck, I did. But older... I enlisted in the military. Which is major distance. So take this as a warnig: it's almost impossible to get close to someone you're not around. Closeness requires presence and effort. Not cutting and running like I did.

Now, I'm not saying dont move... I don't know you, or your mom, lr your dad. This is JUST my experiemce. Just do be sure to think about what you actually want. If you want to be close, leaving is rarely the way to get there.

All my best,


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