Husband has no "real" job for 10 years!!

[Idealist]

My husband and I came from different cultural background (Asian and European). He lived in my country in Asia for 12 years doing several businesses that failed. He refused to get a job as his excuse was that the money was "peanuts" compared to what he will get in Europe, unless he gets an expat job. He doesn't have the education or the experience to be hired as an expat so he remained in work "limbo" for many years. Recently, we moved to his country with hope of improving our finances and save to be able to finally buy our own house. It's been nearly a year and still no job. He's always targeting for some sort of "business type" work and all he has are prospects which I have dealt with for the last decade. There are times I would remind him to get a job and there would be fights because of it. I think the problem is that he has no pressure at all. There is no immediate need for him to work as we get by comfortably with my salary and his disability pension but I feel that we should not settle with just "getting by". We have no real responsibility aside from ourselves. We have no mortgage. We have no kids and are planning for it, how can we afford it with just one salary and a meager pension? How can i take care of a baby if i am the bread winner? It's really frustrating for me as he is the man of the house and should be the provider but the way things are going, he is content with being the house husband. He cooks and cleans the house which is a saving grace but I'm afraid he is getting stagnant and is not progressing with any skills. I love my husband dearly and I wish he would have higher goals than just getting by? Any advice on how to deal with this?

[Still_Small_Voice]

The Apostle Paul wrote: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." (1 Timothy 5:8)

Pray for your husband that he will be inspired to fulfill his role as a man. I have had many difficulties as others providing for my family as have others. You do the best you can and pray for help. The LORD has been very good to me in helping me provide for our family. My wife still has to work part time to help make ends meet. Make sure you have a good cash flow plan (or budget).

I would be very hesitant in having children with a spouse who did not want to do their part. I would not have children until I knew he was in the process of repenting. It sounds to me as if he is asleep and needs to wake up. Is he a member of the church?

[Dravin]

You say he has a disability pension, those are generally awarded when someone is disabled. Is this not the case? Or is it not something that would interfere with the jobs you desire him to get? It's one thing if he's just refusing to get a job, it's another thing if he can't work.

[Misshalfway]

Does your husband know you feel this way?

Is your husband depressed and therefore retreating into isolation?

Without hearing your husbands side, it's hard to advise. But it sounds like you are arguing with reality. And when we do that we always create more suffering. I'm not saying that we just roll over and let our spouses decisions mow us down. What I am saying is to identify what you can and can't change and move towards more acceptance of what you can't change and empowerment about what you can.

If your husband can work, but won't. It could be good to confront that is some loving and safe way. If he can't work and what it means is that you can't have your dream of staying home with a baby, then mourn the loss of your dream and create another one with the help of your sweetheart.

[Quin]

Being a stay at home dad is a real job.

A 14-18hour a day with weird breaks (naps) for the first 3-5 years, and then an 8-12 hour a day job once they're in school. If they're married to a decent person, they may have decent working conditions (days off and sick days), but it's still a hard job with long hours.

Not sure your daycare costs, locally, but in my area infant daycare costs 1600-2500 per month. Meaning, at a bare minimum a SAHP saves the family 1600 a month, and often 5000 or more each month.

Also in our area, we have lots of professional moms and SAHDs, although SAHMs still outnumber their male counterparts.

Q

[Backroads]

While I agree that if he can't work, he can't work, your post has led me to believe that he is capable of working, what with his business prospects and all. If that is the case, then the two of you really need to sit down and get your goals to match. Yes, I know of working moms and SAH dads within the Church, but you seem to have your ideal. He may be content with running the household, but is he truly happy in that arrangement? Is he holding out for that dream job? Does he want a steady household and a family or would he prefer it to just be the two of you? You and your husband need to decide on a plan for life. Arguing about him working isn't going to go very far.

[TalkativeIntrovert]

We lived the Stay-at-home-dad / working mum situation for a long time. I wont say it was easy, but it worked for us. However we made conscious decisions for it to work like that due to my career vs his job and the differences in pay.

When I became disabled and had to give up work, my husband took a job in the mail room and has now worked his way up to management. The interesting thing is that I always considered him management material and a good, honest, hard worker, and was not afraid to tell him so. I suspect that the extra encouragement (and perhaps pushing) helped him get where he is now, even though he didn't think he could do it.

Maybe there are underlying issues with your husband that need to be sorted out? I agree that you can't go into having children with the uncertainty that he will support the family OR that you can accept him as the SAHP.

It sounds like you need a very matter-of-fact discussion about goals and expectations for the future. I hope it goes well.

(I haven't specified the hardships of being a working mum, ie back to work when baby is 3 mths, but think that carefully through. It is the hardest thing I have ever done)

[Idealist]

You say he has a disability pension, those are generally awarded when someone is disabled. Is this not the case? Or is it not something that would interfere with the jobs you desire him to get? It's one thing if he's just refusing to get a job, it's another thing if he can't work.

He is not disabled in a way that we can't work (he is not handicapped or anything) so this is really not the reason. It's just that he is looking for something that he says will enjoy. Now that does not seem to be a bad thing but if I see no effort in developing his skills to get his dream job then for me it's just a wishful thinking.

[Idealist]

I have tried all these years to be supportive of him which is why I'm thinking maybe I have not emphasised enough the need for him to work because as I said we get by comfortably with my job and his pension. But the thing is I want more stability. I want to start a family and he told me he also wants those things. We talk about the future but i think I'm the one who steers it more than him. When I ask him, he doesn't seem to have any concrete plan. He just goes-with-the flow sort of guy and honestly I'm getting tired of it as he's not young anymore. It's really frustrating!

[Idealist]

You say he has a disability pension, those are generally awarded when someone is disabled. Is this not the case? Or is it not something that would interfere with the jobs you desire him to get? It's one thing if he's just refusing to get a job, it's another thing if he can't work.

Does your husband know you feel this way?

Is your husband depressed and therefore retreating into isolation?

Without hearing your husbands side, it's hard to advise. But it sounds like you are arguing with reality. And when we do that we always create more suffering. I'm not saying that we just roll over and let our spouses decisions mow us down. What I am saying is to identify what you can and can't change and move towards more acceptance of what you can't change and empowerment about what you can.

If your husband can work, but won't. It could be good to confront that is some loving and safe way. If he can't work and what it means is that you can't have your dream of staying home with a baby, then mourn the loss of your dream and create another one with the help of your sweetheart.

Misshalfway, that is what I have been doing for the last 10 years. But the difference is that I was much younger then when stability and dreaming of having children is not in the forefront of my mind. Just having the two of us was enough but now its different. I love creating dreams with my husband but at some point you'd like to make that dream a reality and that's when I struggle when I feel I am the only one trying to achieve those dreams.

[Mahone]

What type of work is he after? Is he aiming higher than he is able to reach at the moment, but refusing to take anything lower?

[Idealist]

Being a stay at home dad is a real job.

A 14-18hour a day with weird breaks (naps) for the first 3-5 years, and then an 8-12 hour a day job once they're in school. If they're married to a decent person, they may have decent working conditions (days off and sick days), but it's still a hard job with long hours.

Not sure your daycare costs, locally, but in my area infant daycare costs 1600-2500 per month. Meaning, at a bare minimum a SAHP saves the family 1600 a month, and often 5000 or more each month.

Also in our area, we have lots of professional moms and SAHDs, although SAHMs still outnumber their male counterparts.

Q

Quin, if we have any children I would not mind having a SAHD because I know that is really hard work. But when there is just him and me, what is there to do at home? I cook our meals from scratch 3x a week and he heats dinner the rest of the week (I say heat because the food is ready-to-eat) so I don't think that takes a lot of time. We still share house chores even when I'm the one working so I don't think he slaves himself too much with house work.

[Idealist]

What type of work is he after? Is he aiming higher than he is able to reach at the moment, but refusing to take anything lower?

Mahone, he is looking for business type of work where he can work from home and manage his own time. He doesn't mind not having any salary as long as commission is good. He is not wanting to work in a 9 to 5 job if possible. He would consider it if the pay is good. But as I said in my earlier post, no one is hiring him for those positions because he is not qualified. I was encouraging him to take any lower position and just work his way up but he's unwilling to do that. He used to have a good job in management position about 20 years ago so that is why I think he finds it degrading to start low again in a junior position, considering his age, too.

[Idealist]

While I agree that if he can't work, he can't work, your post has led me to believe that he is capable of working, what with his business prospects and all. If that is the case, then the two of you really need to sit down and get your goals to match. Yes, I know of working moms and SAH dads within the Church, but you seem to have your ideal. He may be content with running the household, but is he truly happy in that arrangement? Is he holding out for that dream job? Does he want a steady household and a family or would he prefer it to just be the two of you? You and your husband need to decide on a plan for life. Arguing about him working isn't going to go very far.

Backroads, we have talked so many times about our goals and we both seem to be in the same page on that. I think the difference is that after the planning stage, I am ready to execute the plan while he is still ho,ding out for the perfect job (he's waiting for 10 years now), and in the meantime, we can't go past step 1 because he is not helping enough to achieve our goals.

[Mahone]

Mahone, he is looking for business type of work where he can work from home and manage his own time. He doesn't mind not having any salary as long as commission is good. He is not wanting to work in a 9 to 5 job if possible. He would consider it if the pay is good. But as I said in my earlier post, no one is hiring him for those positions because he is not qualified. I was encouraging him to take any lower position and just work his way up but he's unwilling to do that. He used to have a good job in management position about 20 years ago so that is why I think he finds it degrading to start low again in a junior position, considering his age, too.

Maybe he should consider going back to school? He isn't working at the moment, so has the time to do it. Are there any industry specific qualifications/certifications that he could gain in a year or less that would help him get the job he is aiming for when he finishes?

As you're in the UK, try the open university: Distance Learning Courses and Adult Education - The Open University. It will allow him to work part time or full time from home (for the most part - there are some day schools and exams that he'll have to attend). It's a well respected and worldwide accredited university, in fact more so than the vast majority of bricks and mortar universities.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Mahone

[Idealist]

Maybe he should consider going back to school? He isn't working at the moment, so has the time to do it. Are there any industry specific qualifications/certifications that he could gain in a year or less that would help him get the job he is aiming for when he finishes?

As you're in the UK, try the open university: Distance Learning Courses and Adult Education - The Open University. It will allow him to work part time or full time from home (for the most part - there are some day schools and exams that he'll have to attend). It's a well respected and worldwide accredited university, in fact more so than the vast majority of bricks and mortar universities.

I have encouraged him to do that, too. He just doesn't have the drive or motivation to do anything. I know this is bad to say but I really think he is just plain lazy. It's not that there are no opportunities, he just finds excuses all the time not to do things. I really don't want to acknowledge this before as I want to look at him in a good light but given these facts, I have to call a spade a spade.

[Backroads]

I have encouraged him to do that, too. He just doesn't have the drive or motivation to do anything. I know this is bad to say but I really think he is just plain lazy. It's not that there are no opportunities, he just finds excuses all the time not to do things. I really don't want to acknowledge this before as I want to look at him in a good light but given these facts, I have to call a spade a spade.

Have you ever been so blunt with him before? I don't know what your discussions with him are like, but it is starting to sound like he needs a wake-up call.

[pam]

I guess I have to admire that you have put up with this for 10 years. Personally I wouldn't have.

[Idealist]

Have you ever been so blunt with him before? I don't know what your discussions with him are like, but it is starting to sound like he needs a wake-up call.

No I wouldn't say I have bluntly told him this. But maybe that's something I have to think about now that you mentioned it.

[Idealist]

I guess I have to admire that you have put up with this for 10 years. Personally I wouldn't have.

Well I am getting at the end of my patience as well and I can feel it that's why I thought of posting here so I can release some of my feelings. I would never seriously discuss this with friends or families as I don't want them to think badly of him. His excuse is that he has the pension which is nearly as much as what I am earning and he pays most of it towards our house expense. But for me, it's not about the money but just the thought of his wasting his time accomplishing nothing and not progressing at all.

[Backroads]

it's not about the money but just the thought of his wasting his time accomplishing nothing and not progressing at all.

This resonates with me. Work really should me more than just about the money. I can't comprehend people who do "nothing."

[apexviper]

My husband and I came from different cultural background (Asian and European). He lived in my country in Asia for 12 years doing several businesses that failed. He refused to get a job as his excuse was that the money was "peanuts" compared to what he will get in Europe, unless he gets an expat job. He doesn't have the education or the experience to be hired as an expat so he remained in work "limbo" for many years. Recently, we moved to his country with hope of improving our finances and save to be able to finally buy our own house. It's been nearly a year and still no job. He's always targeting for some sort of "business type" work and all he has are prospects which I have dealt with for the last decade. There are times I would remind him to get a job and there would be fights because of it. I think the problem is that he has no pressure at all. There is no immediate need for him to work as we get by comfortably with my salary and his disability pension but I feel that we should not settle with just "getting by".

I want to first point out that he's getting a disability pension. Perhaps his attitude is because of whatever disability he has. You need to look at every part of this picture.

We have no kids and are planning for it, how can we afford it with just one salary and a meager pension? How can i take care of a baby if i am the bread winner? It's really frustrating for me as he is the man of the house and should be the provider but the way things are going, he is content with being the house husband. He cooks and cleans the house which is a saving grace but I'm afraid he is getting stagnant and is not progressing with any skills. I love my husband dearly and I wish he would have higher goals than just getting by? Any advice on how to deal with this?

I get why you feel this way but, no offense, I do get a little bit of a laugh from this. There are more situations than members realize where the husband is the one who stays at home taking care of the house and kids while the wife works. I've seen it.

Someone pointed out Timothy. To mention something overlooked, the scriptures teach that the mother AND father are BOTH responsible for nurturing the children.

People talk about how the mother needs to be with the kids and the father always needs to provide. Yes, your husband needs to work. But, the father also needs time with kids. He deserves it just as much as the mother does. I've heard people say "the mother brought the kid(s) into this world." That's half true which makes it false. It takes 2. The woman cannot be a mother if there is no man. Initially, the child comes out of the father first, just in a different way.

To sum it up: 1. He does need a job. 2. Could his disability hinder him after a while. 3. He also will deserve time with his future children.

[mnn727]

I would be very hesitant in having children with a spouse who did not want to do their part. I would not have children until I knew he was in the process of repenting.

which would include being gainfully employed

[Guest]

which would include being gainfully employed

A friend of mine quit his job the day his first son was born. His wife made more money than he did so they made a tactical decision for him to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad while the wife went back to work after 3 months maternity leave. He went back to work (part-time) after their last son entered middle school. He doesn't plan on getting back to full time work until after the last son starts college.

It's an interesting dynamic but it works out great for them.

[mnn727]

A friend of mine quit his job the day his first son was born. His wife made more money than he did so they made a tactical decision for him to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad while the wife went back to work after 3 months maternity leave. He went back to work (part-time) after their last son entered middle school. He doesn't plan on getting back to full time work until after the last son starts college.

It's an interesting dynamic but it works out great for them.

I bolded and underlined the key words to your post. That has not happened for the O.P.

The husband has made the choice all by himself.