Suicidally depressed and grieving sister needing prayers


KellyLC

Recommended Posts

I'm sorry in advance if I say something wrong in this post.

I've been a member since I was 11 years old in 1991 and a suicide griever since February 3, 2008. A good friend I'd known since I was about thirteen chose to cross the Veil at his own hand that day.

:tears: :tears:

My family and our bishop keep saying "you can only do temple work for your family" but this friend of mine was a young non-member named Will. His family set this site up for him, it has his picture on it:

Will Jones Memorial

I loved him (I still do) and I never got the chance to tell him! Maybe I could have saved him. . . He killed me too.

:tears: :tears:

Also, I didn't know anything about it until September 11 thanks to a series of "TRICKLE-DOWN" E-MAILS (as I call it) bounced between his mom, my dad and then it "just happened" to come to me:

The first e-mail came from my father to me, 8-15-08:

His exact words were:

1: "I heard from Rosie for the first time in a year. She needs someone to talk to.

'I lost my son earlier this year. He committed suicide this past Feb. I have had a hard time with it. Your friend-ship would be appreciated. Rosie'

She loves you

drop her a line

dad."

--------------------------------

I didn't see a name, so I automatically thought it was Rosie's other son, James. I didn't want it to have been James; I just didn't think my friend had done it. I'd forgotten most of the message because I'd had a seizure that day, but I remembered my 'father's' section of the message: 'she needs someone to talk to'. I send Will's mother a reply:

2: Hi, Rosie. Sorry I haven't been in touch in so long. We've been closing down the store. I got an e-mail from dad; he mentioned you needed someone to talk to? My end's always open.

--------------------------------

Her next mail to me comes 8-21-08 at 11:29 pm:

3: Hi, I have been really down this year. I don't talk to your dad anymore except rarely, and a couple weeks ago when I was espically down I e-mailed him of that fact. He wrote me back that he was sorry that I was having a hard time and that is probably why he wrote you. I don't want to burden you with my problems, you have enough of your own. I'm sorry to be so gloomy. I love you, Rosie

--------------------------------

I send a fast reply back the next morning at 9:22 am:

4: It's understandable. If it'll help at all I'll be praying for you.

Hugs, Kelly

--------------------------------

The next message I get from Rosie on 9-11-08 at 9:10 pm hit me like a knife; I read that e-mail and it literally felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart:

5: hey baby, I just talked to your grandmother. She told me your dad told ya'll about Will. I didn't know how to tell you. I hope you aren't mad at me. Any questions you want answered, just ask. I miss him so much. It has been really hard for me. I love you. Rosie

--------------------------------

I'm in shock; I send her back a fast reply at 9:29:

6: I'm not mad at you, Rosie. Dad didn't tell me any details or names, he just said that something had happened. I didn't know it was Will until your e-mail tonight. I'm so sorry. What happened?

--------------------------------

Her next e-mail to me at 10:04 pm was another knife:

7: Will felt like he couldn't live in this life anymore. He took his own life. He had been troubled for a long time. He is at peace now. If you have any questions you think I can answer, just ask. This has just about killed me, but I am doing better lately. I want to live for my James and April and my little grand-daughter, Austin. I love her with all my heart. I think Will wants me to get better to be a good grandmother for her. Love, Rosie

--------------------------------

I send her a fast, stupid reply at 11:42 before I just lose it completely, start screaming and crying and can't stop:

8: I have a lot of questions and I don't know where to start.

--------------------------------

Her next mail to me the next day starts off like this:

9: Ask me what questions you need to. I don't have all the answers but I will do my best for you. I have a lot of depression, I go up and down, half the week I'm up and half the week I'm down.

WHY?! My family keeps saying really cold and insensitive things about Will's memory (Mom's a member of the Church, Grandma isn't) and I can't stand it anymore:

"The boy was nothing to you"

"Maybe this'll make his mother straighten up"

"You need to get over it"

They don't care about my feelings or me, just about the health insurance I'm bringing in. STUPID Medicaid.

I wasn't there to help my friend. . . . I'm seriously thinking about going home myself February 3 of next year: There's a railway line that runs north to south through Melbourne FL near our ward building; our ward building's west of the railway. All I have to do is walk to the tracks, wait until a train's coming through, then just not move out of the way and let it finish the job.

My family can take care of my insurance policy afterward.

But at the same time I don't want to dump that job on someone else and have them stuck with the burden of sending me across the veil.

I don't pray for help for myself or usually ask for prayers for myself but I'm hurting more than words can express and I don't know what to do.

:tears: :tears: :tears: :tears:

I'm sorry if I got on a rant. I didn't mean to. If this post is just in the way can someone delete it please?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Kelly and welcome. Suicide is a horrible thing, that can leave marks on the surviving loved ones that last a lifetime.

"TRICKLE-DOWN" E-MAILS (as I call it) bounced between his mom, my dad and then it "just happened" to come to me:

...

I remembered my 'father's' section of the message

...

before I just lose it completely, start screaming and crying and can't stop:

...

I have a lot of depression, I go up and down, half the week I'm up and half the week I'm down.

...

WHY?! My family keeps saying really cold and insensitive things about Will's memory

...

They don't care about my feelings or me, just about the health insurance I'm bringing in. STUPID Medicaid.

It seems to me that you're coming here with three things. First is your friend's suicide, but the second thing that seems to scream more loudly, is your issues with your parents.

If I'm reading this correctly, you were 11 in '91, that puts you in your 30's, right? You mentioned seizures - are you dependent on your parents for your support?

If so, you're sort of stuck in the relationship you have. You can't change them, only yourself.

If not, you have more control over your relationship with them. But you still can't change them, only yourself.

There's a railway line that runs north to south through Melbourne FL near our ward building; our ward building's west of the railway. All I have to do is walk to the tracks, wait until a train's coming through, then just not move out of the way and let it finish the job.

My family can take care of my insurance policy afterward.

But at the same time I don't want to dump that job on someone else and have them stuck with the burden of sending me across the veil.

This suicide threat is of course your third thing. Kudos to you for not wanting to burden random strangers with a hand in your death. But yeah, you should probably seek some professional help to help you with these thoughts. Are you in a position to do so? Sounds like you would prefer to not have to go through your parents to see someone...
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm 32. I don't know what to do right now. I'm stuck living with Mom and Grandma because of my seizures.

I didn't really have issues with them until they bashed Will's memory and said "he was nothing to you". I'd just found out less than a minute before they said that to me that I lost a friend to suicide and they had the GALL to say that to my face?!

Edited by KellyLC
Link to comment
Share on other sites

LDS Family Services has grief counselors.

I would very strongly urge you to call your Bishop first thing in the morning and set that up.

For tonight:

Kristin Brooks Hope Center - Hopeline. &

800 784 2433

800 SUICIDE

Just because they're family, just because a person loves us, doesn't mean they'll say the right thing much less know why what they are saying is wrong.

All my best

Q

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hugs! The suicide of a friend us very hard to get through. I was best friends with a guy whose best friend committed suicide. It causes a domino affect. ;( Please do look for help, via LDS Family Services, a bishop, or something. I think LDS Family Services can be free? I know there are free hotlines you can call for help, at least temporarily. I am glad you are reaching out. Keep reaching out!

John 14:27

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One day many years ago found me laying upon my bed very discouraged and low in heart. Thoughts of suicide as if from no where seemed to well up within me and I contemplated death.

"No one really cares."

"No one really loves you."

"No one really understands what you're going through."

"Life isn't worth living."

"It's never going to get better."

"Why even bother?"

I wish to tell you with all of the power I posses that such thoughts are lies placed within your mind by the angels of the evil one. You are under attack! I know such, because I have endured such.

In the depths of my sorrow something cried out within me and rallied.

"No! I don't want to die!"

Rising from my bed and rallying from my sorrow I found myself aghast and fearful regarding where I had just been. Such thoughts scared me deeply and immediately I sought out my father and asked for help.

I tell you these things that you might believe me when I say I know something of what pain feels like. I know the heartache that comes from deep pain and what it's like to wish for healing or death rather than continue to endure the pain. I likewise know that God lives and that he loves me. By the comforter called the Holy Ghost I have been given the strength to endure something that otherwise would have laid me low.

And I know... that without the gift of the comforter and the comfort given me, I could not stand.

It wasn't until I was thoroughly grasped by the hand of depression that the devil introduced the darts called suicide in his barrage and such may be the same for you. Since the primary cause for my depression was due to sin and thus spiritual in nature, repentance and the power of the atonement proved the cure to such sorrow. That being said, for me there is also a lesser component which is physical but the Lord has blessed me and lead me to tools and aids that cover that aspect as well.

Via the power of the atonement and via the physical aids endorsed by the Lord I do not fear depressions return and thus I need not worry about suicidal feeling either. Even when there are valid and very painful events which happen within my life which depress the spirit and heart, when my heart is rent in pain, my Savior puts it back together again.

Likewise you suffer pain. Whether a portion be due to sin within you I do not know but if so, repent. Likewise pour your heart out unto God pleading for comfort and healing from these spiritual wounds and strength and protection against the devil's fiery darts for He will hear you and will help you.

Although I do not share here all the means and tools the Lord lead me to in my search for comfort and healing, lead me he has. Rather than mention them all here I will say this, ask the Lord. Ask whether or not the things he granted to me are the tools he would have you use to likewise receive healing. If so then let me know and then I will share with you what he shared with me. If not, know that the tools are out there and he does want to heal you. Ask, seek, knock.

May the Lord bless you and keep you and if I can be of further help please let me know.

Sincerely,

Brother M.

Edited by Martain
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...