How can I know?


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How can I know if my husband is cheating? addicted to porn / sex? if he constantly denies and hides everything? I have brought up the subject several times and he always has very "answers".

There are so many symptoms like no interest in sex or intimacy (he says things just don't work anymore) yet I found a prescription filled for viagara (he says he tried with me... but it would not work) He really doesn't have much time other than his commute and time at work that is "unaccounted for".

I have noticed less willingness to serve and go to church or the temple and more "moody" lately too. (he says its stress at work) I want to believe him... yet I feel driven to find out the truth and then get on with whatever is going to happen next.

Is it dishonest for me to put a small recorder in his car? a tracking software on his phone? I do not want to misjudge and invent problems... but I need to know. Has anyone else ever dealt with similar feelings? Am I going crazy? Suggestions?

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You can use those things but it doesnt truly build trust. I wouldnt consider that a dishonest thing. It is just a major lack of trust on your part and it wont help at all.

I suspect he is cheating, as I caught my wife cheating recently. Check history of your internet browsers, and facebook. An often less noticed thing is cookies. It records the website, though not when, that has been accessed on your computer. Does he hide passwords for emails, facebook or other communicating sites? Do you get your a list of all calls for your phone bill? How long have there been troubles? Also porn can cost money so how on top of your finances are you? I would also suggest that there are marital issues. I'd suggest you go talk to the bishop with your husband. He'll help refer you to counseling and getting your marriage in the right direction.

The last thing is when you meet with your bishop, mention to him beforehand what you suspect and so in the meeting while talking about marital problems, he can be mindful or watchful for anything suspicious that he might be able to catch.

I'm really sorry if this is presumptuious. But in light of recent events for me, I think these things should help you find out and see what else you need to do as the Bishop will help.

I suspect there are marital problems because I can see you aren't trusting him. If you did, then you wouldn't be concerned about this. I'm speaking from experience on that one. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it there isn't much of relationship in my opinion, just parasites and freeloaders.

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Posted (edited) · Hidden
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Transparency in a relationship is key. Do you love this guy? If so tell him and tell him you need to speak to him as your concerned that your trust in him is wavering because of (and explain your concerns). Be completely honest and open with him as you expect him to be honest and open with you.

I wouldn't go ahead and check his phone or record anything simply because it just shows you don't trust him and I think it's better he hears your trust issues coming from YOU and not your actions.

If the response you recieve is defensive and your not making progress then I'd say go see your bishop for further advice.

Ultimately what happens next is up to your husband. Will he respect you (and himself) to be honest and open with you his wife and admit to any mistakes he has made (if any). That I can't say. Your only responsible for your actions. So be wise and thoughtful and don't jump to any conclusions on things although I am sure it's hard and you must feel some pain right now.

He could just be super busy at work and stressed. He could be having impotency issues that can be very phychologically upsetting. Yes he could be having an affair too but whatever it is you both need to speak about it TOGETHER.

I'll also add pray often and seek guidance from Heavenly Father :)!

Edited by Tosca
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Thank you for your comments insights. I appreciate them. You are right, I do not trust him. I think he has gotten extremely skilled at hiding everything since I have caught him a couple of years ago in an "email /text affair" and he said it was all done. Then other circumstances that all had convenient excuses or reasons behind. I think he is addicted to porn, but I have no evidence. I just don't want my insecurities (if that is what it is) to tear us apart even further. I am so sorry you are dealing with issues with your wife and I pray that all will work out well for you both. Thank you for your help.

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There is a good reason for investigating carefully without your spouse knowing.

Go to the forums at marriagebuilders.com, and they have (stickied to the top, I believe) a discussion on the proper ways to find out and, if you're right, build evidence. Not for the purpose for destroying your marriage, but to save it.

Good luck.

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I am sorry to near that you are going through this. A couple of years ago, I went through the same thing and caught my husband having inappropriate (with sexual undertones) online relationship with several women from various chat rooms. I have caught him also chatting and flirting with other women. I got all these evidences from digging into his computer and phone. I confronted him with it and in fact almost cost us our marriage. He made amends and i have forgiven him. Since then, I have not had anymore reason to believe he was being unfaithful. Personally, I would rather know the truth so do what you need to get these evidences just so you can also establish that you are not just being paranoid or insecure. When you have the facts, then you can decide what you want to do with it. You can still survive and save your marriage after this, which will depend on how your husband repents and abandon this sin and how you are willing to forgive and most importantly FORGET. I know of at least 2 friends who have similar problems with cheating husbands. One of them chose to ignore and continue forgiving her husband but her husband until now is cheating on her. Another one punished her husband by cheating as well and they are still living in a miserable relationship. What you need to do would be dependent on a lot of things as each one has different circumstances but my advise to you is hold on to your faith, continue doing the right thing because that is the only thing you can control. The rest will depend on your husband. If he choose to throw away your marriage, there is nothing you can do no matter how hard you try to save it. At least by doing the right thing, at the end of it, you know that you will be safe and your future will be at The Lord's hands. I wish you all the best and hope you can overcome this.

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