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lordie

i can never find the one

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In my experience... A couple things:

1) Men are like busses. You wait and wait and wait... And then 4 arrive at the same time.

2) There ISN'T "the one". That's a popular misconception. I stead, there are "the many". Many for whom each of us could be happy with, and make happy. Many for whom we could have stellar marriages, good marriages, loving marriages. And the inverse, as well. Many for whom we can drive to despair and drive us to despair. Each person we MIGHT marry brings o different things in us, and we bring out different things in them than the other people they've dated.

In long marriages, partners are usually familiar with this... Because we run into people we could have married instead over the decades. They bring flashes with them, of what life with them would be like. And then it passes. Until the next time we run into one of "the many". ((Some never really seem to realize there ARE many people out there, and with each successive meeting throw away their lives and their marriages in pursuit of this other "many" thinking they've made a mistake in "finding the ONE". Because bloke 2, or lady 6 is obviously the "real" "one".)) in long loneliness, as well. People give up chances at a life with one person because of something they THINK disqualifies them from being "the one". Their ideals so specific, that no real person ever stands a chance of meeting them.

It's a delicate balance. Not getting married or being with someone because they're in love with love (instead of the other person), or scared (ill never find anyone else... Pearl jams "better man" comes to mind). As well as not staying aloof in an ivory tower missing opportunities for happiness left and right. Missing the trees for the forest.

The pivot, again in my experience, is knowing yourself.

.02

Q

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The only way The One exists, is if you make it happen.

There are pages and pages on this forum about gender roles and expectations with references to a life plan that is somehow mysteriously absent during the angst of a single life.

A successful relationship that can lead to marriage, tends to be a collision of self acceptance, realization that there is no perfect person designed specifically for us, random chance, with a dash of persistence and a whisk of attractive preparation.

I used to think I was too immature to date, too unattractive, but the reality that I realized, nearly 10 years later than everyone else, is that I was more mature and attractive than most of my peers. So instead of accepting what is, I lived in a world of wishful thinking with the years spiraling by.

I am still single, but enthralled in the mind games of a woman, who frustrates the heck out of me. I love her though.

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Learning "patience" the way you put it sounds like a load of white knuckling. I suppose you could do that and exhaust your adrenals. But I'm not sure "learning how to wait for a man" is living life.

My advice is live the life you have and learn to love the life you have right now. See if you can find gratitude for everything about your life....even the parts that aren't what you want right now. Learn to find companionship inside yourself and with others that cross your path right now.

This is a life lesson. It isn't about whether or not marriage will come to you. It's learning that happiness doesn't come for arriving at some future "when this happens" or "when I get my wish". It is cultivated in the now.

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